The thing about being in a relationship with someone who’s a controller and a manipulator is that you really don’t see how much you’re being controlled and manipulated. When I was 19, I was putty in his hands. He could tell me to jump and ask him how high. I was in love with him. I worshiped him. And the fact that I followed him around like a lost little puppy only made it easier for him to control me. I ignored Jen and Brooke and their comments they’d make to me when we were alone in our dressing room. I’d all but stopped talking to any of the other guys because JC had told me he thought that Justin was giving me a once over. I wanted to ell him he was being bogus because Justin was most definitely into Brooke, but I didn’t because I knew he’d tell me I was wrong. He got sex whenever he wanted it the whole first month we toured with them. I was afraid to say no sometimes, even if I wasn’t in the mood. I’d learned (from Cosmopolitan and Brooke) that you could “fake it” and I would often do just that when I didn’t feel it. He could get mad at me for a lot of things, but he never once got mad or found out that, many times, I could easily make more noise and he’d think he was doing it all right.
“You make me so hot, baby,” he would whisper after every show. “Let’s go back to our room. No sense in wasting time at a stupid party.” And I had no choice-no, I thought I didn’t have a choice. I would see the looks from everyone else when he’d lead me away from them. I’d catch a glance from Chris or Joey or one of the others when we’d walk past them and over to his bus to head straight back to the hotel. He was becoming just as distant with his band mates as I was with mine. Only he didn’t seem to care like I did. I was literally trapped in our hotel room from the time we got in after the concerts until we checked out the next morning. And we still hadn’t been on a date and it had been a month and a half now.
I was growing tired and weary. All I wanted to do was sleep. And I’d also become reliant on alcohol to a point where it concerned Jen and Brooke. I had at least two drinks before a show and many times when we’d go back to our hotel room, JC and I would get drunk and be so hung over I the mornings that we’d stumble onto the bus in front of everyone. But the alcohol made it easy to cope with how miserable I was becoming. I didn’t want to lose JC. I didn’t think I could. But he made me unhappy because I didn’t feel a part of anything anymore. All I did was have sex with him and get drunk –and high a few times- with him.
On a random night in Detroit, I’d managed to sneak out of the dressing room without running into him backstage. I knew if he saw me, he’d immediately want me to join him in his dressing room and I had been overly exhausted that day in particular. The night before we’d stayed up until three or four drinking and I hadn’t really fallen asleep properly before the alarm went off at six. I sat down on a couch outside of the dressing room I shared with Jen and Brooke, who were still getting ready. Bringing my knees to my chest, I rested my chin on my knees and closed my eyes. I felt numb to everything. I could have easily fallen asleep right then and there and began to feel myself breathing heavily.
“Addie?”
I looked up to see Lance standing in front of me. I smiled at him and then closed my eyes again.
“Are you okay? You look really pale,” Lance bent down to my level and touched my arm.
“Yeah,” I yawned and rubbed my eyes. “I’m just really tired today.”
“You have two hours before the show starts. You could get in a nap if you wanted,” he told me. “C’mon, I’ll help you up-“
“What are you doing?” JC’s voice bellowed from the other end of the hallway and I cringed.
“C, I was just helping her up. She’s worn out and doesn’t look very good,” Lance backed away and I dared myself to look up at JC.
“She’s fine,” he snapped at Lance, then grabbed my arm and pulled me up, roughly. “C’mon. You can lie down in my dressing room.”
I staggered as I walked and JC pulled me next to him. His arm came around my shoulder and all I wanted was for him to carry me. My legs felt like they weighed a hundred pounds each.
“I don’t feel good, JC,” I mumbled, reaching for him.
“You’ll feel better in a minute, baby,” he whispered and I knew what that meant.
“Please. I just want to sleep,” I begged him and felt light headed all of the sudden. I started to wonder just how much I’d slept in the last month and knew it couldn’t have been many hours at all. I suddenly felt my head lurch forward and the ground coming closer to my face. I braced myself before I fell and closed my eyes, ready for the floor to meet my forehead.
“Addie, are you awake?” It had to have been hours later, but it felt like I’d just opened my eyes five minutes after I’d fallen. I looked around and saw Jen standing on one side and Brooke at the foot of the bed. I was in a hospital room and there was an IV attached to my left hand. I gasped and looked at them both, wide-eyed.
“You fainted,” Brooke told me. “You fainted and the doctor felt it would be better to let you sleep.”
“What time is it?” I asked, groggily. “Where’s JC?”
Jen shook her head. “Don’t worry about him. It’s 11:00 at night, sweetie. You’ve been out since five.”
I wanted to try and sit up but couldn’t find the energy. I saw Brooke and Jen casting looks at each other and I knew they weren’t telling me something.
“What?!” I demanded. “I want to know where JC is and why you’re hiding something from me!”
Brooke sighed and walked over to the other side of me. “Addie, JC’s at the hotel. He said he’d come see you tomorrow. We canceled our show in Milwaukee tomorrow night because you need a day off and the guys can go on without us there,” she looked up at Jen. “Addie, the doctor’s ran some tests on you. Um, when’s the last time you got your period?”
My period? I couldn’t remember to be honest. Before the tour, probably. But my brain wasn’t working right at the moment and I felt fried all over.
“I don’t know,” I responded truthfully.
Brooke just nodded and bit her lower lip, looking back at Jen, who just nodded silently. “Addie, um, you’re pregnant,” Brooke paused and waited for my reaction. I just stared at her in shock. “You’re almost four weeks. The doctor’s a little worried. He asked us if you drank or smoked and we had to answer truthfully. JC doesn’t know. We told the doctor that you’d tell him.”
I was still silent and didn’t know what to think. Obviously it was bound to happen. You can’t have sex as much as we did without using anything and it not happen. But I didn’t want to think about that. I didn’t want to think about how two months ago, my life had been going fine. I’d been excited about Three4One and looking forward to a fun year with Brooke and Jen. And now? Now who knows what would happen. And I didn’t want to tell JC. I had a feeling his response wouldn’t be that of excitement. In fact, he’d probably go off and make it all my fault because I hadn’t been the one to get on birth control soon enough.
“I don’t want to tell JC,” I said, flatly. “I can’t tell him. He’s gonna be so mad at me.”
“Addie, we’ll go with you if you want us to,” Jen offered. “But you’re going to have to let him know. We’re keeping it safe from Johnny and the producers because our album hasn’t even gone on sale yet.” She sighed and looked at me. “You didn’t use anything that first weekend, did you?”
I started crying and shook my head. “He-he didn’t want to. He said I’d be fine,” I sniffed and Brooke handed me a tissue. “I’m such an idiot. I cannot believe I trusted him when he said that!”
“Addie, now’s your chance. You can get out of this relationship and start over,” Brooke squeezed my hand.
“Start over? With a baby? I don’t want a baby! I’m 19 for shit’s sake!” I was sobbing louder by now and a nurse poked her head in the door.
“Everything ok?” she asked us, and Brooke nodded. “Ok. Visiting hours are over, by the way. You two should probably leave.”
“Give us five minutes?” Jen looked at the nurse.
“Fine. Five minutes. That’s all,” the nurse left us, and Jen calmly began to stroke my hand.
“Addie, regardless of what you decide to do, you have to tell him,” she said. “Whether or not he takes it well is his problem.”
“I’m going to wait until after the tour is over,” I stated as boldly as I could.
“Well, as long as you don’t start showing, then do what you want,” Brooke looked over at Jen. “But we’re not letting you quit. Right Jen?”
“Right,” Jen smiled at me. “We’ll help you raise the kid if we have to.”
Jen and Brooke had started out as strangers to me. I never in a million years had thought they would end up being two of my dearest friends in the world. But going on tour had proved me wrong. When you’re away from everything you’ve ever known, it’s amazing who can come in and fill that void. I knew then in the hospital that these two people would be in my life for a long time, if not forever. They were all I had to lean on, especially knowing that JC hadn’t even come to the hospital. It infuriated me, but I couldn’t process it just yet. I wanted to fight with him, to even break up. But knowing I was carrying his child now made me realize that I might have to be even more dependent on him and that if he actually was happy about being a father, he probably wouldn’t let me break up with him.
I was released the following day and went back to the hotel to rest. JC hadn’t come and had left with the guys to head on to Milwaukee. I don’t know why it surprised me, but it did and made me break into sobs when I got back to the hotel room. I didn’t let Jen and Brooke know how upset I was, but when Jen came in to check on me and saw me on my side crying, she knew that I had been devastated.
“Addie,” she came over and sat next to me on the bed. “It’s ok. Come here,” she pulled me into her arms and let me sob into her shoulder. “He’s an ass. You have to break up with him. Even if you’re having his baby, he’s not treating you at all like he should be. If he cared about you, don’t you think he would have at least been by your side last night? Don’t you-“
The phone ringing next to me interrupted her. I sniffed and wiped my eyes, reaching for it
“Hello?”
“Addie, baby, I’m so sorry. I was going to come last night but-“
“Shut up,” I cut him off. “I don’t want to hear it. You should’ve been there. You should’ve found a way, but you didn’t. I’m tired of it, JC. I’m so tired of all of it!”
“Excuse me? Addie, you have to understand. I was exhausted last night. I had to come back and rest-“
“Oh, I am so sorry you were exhausted. Meanwhile, I’m holed up in a hospital and fainted from exhaustion because you want to keep me up all night!”
“This isn’t my fault,” his voice was calm, but had an edge to it. “Don’t you dare blame me.”
“I can blame you if I want to,”
“What kind of meds did they give you? You sound like a little bitch right now,”
“And you sound like the world’s biggest asshole. So there you go,”
“I’ll see you tomorrow. Maybe by then you will have calmed down,”
“This isn’t my fault!” I yelled into the phone, but all I heard was the click on the other end. He had hung up on me. I threw the phone back down on the cradle. I didn’t think I had any tears left in me, but I was wrong and soon they were falling down my cheeks again. Jen just let me cry it out until I was finally able to calm myself down enough to eat lunch.
We didn’t meet up with the guys for two more nights and by that time, they’d flown to Seattle. I hadn’t heard from JC since the fight we’d had and Jen and Brooke were still the only ones that knew I was pregnant. I was still in shock and didn’t talk much about it in those 48 hours. It was still such a new thing and I had no idea what the hell I even wanted to do with this baby and not thinking about it made it easier for me to get back into the tour mindset. That was until I saw him for the first time. He had seen us do our sound check and was sitting in the back of the arena, waiting for us to finish. I tried to ignore him, but he met me when we came offstage.
“Can we talk?” he asked, looking more sincere than I’d ever seen him.
I sighed and looked back at Brooke and Jen, who were eyeing us from the drum kit on stage. I looked down at JC and slowly nodded, following him backstage to his dressing room.
“I’m sorry,” he took my hand in his and brought it to his lips. “I’m sorry that I didn’t come to the hospital. Please forgive me, baby.” He hugged my waist and I stiffened, not wanting to give in to him. “Please, Addie. Please, baby. I care so much about you.” He took my chin in his hand and leaned down to kiss me. I tried not to respond, but he was insistent and soon was straddling me on the couch in his dressing room.
“No,” I tried to push him off of me, but he wouldn’t budge.
“Shh, baby. We have to make up for lost time,” his hands wandered down my body and I continued to try and roll out of his grasp. “Don’t fight it. You know you want us like this, Addie.”
“No, JC. I don’t,” I could barely get the words out of my mouth before he started kissing me again. He pulled down the pink leggings I was wearing that went with the concert outfits we were sporting that night. “Please, JC. I don’t want to.”
“Yes, you do,” his voice was suddenly harsh and he’d put all of his weight on top of me.
I couldn’t fight him. I knew it. I was still extremely tired from everything that had just happened to me. So I lied there and let it happen. I didn’t even try to fake it, I was just like a numb fixture that he was screwing. I let a tear fall down my cheek as he continued thrusting in and out of me, calling me “baby” and telling me how “hot” I was. When he finished, he stood up and gathered himself together, then looked back at me. I had turned away from him and was staring at the back of the couch.
“Addie, you know you wanted that. Don’t pretend you didn’t. These little games you’re playing lately are starting to get old,” I heard him walk back over to me and felt his hand on my arm. I pushed it off me and sat up, glaring at him.
“I didn’t want that,” I said through gritted teeth. “I don’t always want you like you think I do. You don’t care about me. All you want me for is sex. And God only knows what the hell you were doing or who you were doing two nights ago when I was in the hospital.” I stood up and faced him. “We’ve been dating or whatever you call this for almost two months. You haven’t taken me to dinner or to a movie or anything. You don’t let us hang out with anyone because all you want to do is fuck me. Well, guess what? I’m tired of it. I didn’t want it tonight and I don’t want it again. We’re done.”
I went to walk towards the door, proud of myself for telling him off and I couldn’t wait to see the looks on Jen’s and Brooke’s face when I told them what I’d done. Somehow, JC beat me to the door and suddenly had pinned me against the wall.
“We’re not done, baby,” he glowered at me. “You and me, no. Never. Sorry. You’re mine.”
“Let me go!” I tried to push him away, but he held me firmly against the wall, his finger tracing my jawline.
“Addie, you’re an ungrateful little bitch, you know that?” his hand roughly cupped my face in it. “But I want to keep you around. You’re good for me. And I’m good for you. And maybe the sooner you realize that, the better it will be for both of us.” He let me go and I felt myself shaking.
I left the dressing room and didn’t look back, literally running right into Lance.
“Hey! Welcome back, how are-“ he started, but I burst into tears and cried into Lance’s chest. “Shh, c’mon, Addie. Let’s get you out of this open hallway.” He took me back to our dressing room, which was empty. “Addie, what is it? What’s wrong?”
I sat down on the couch and put my face in my hands, trying to collect my thoughts before speaking. I looked at him and let out a shaky sigh. “I hate him,” I whispered, feeling Lance pull me to him. “I hate him and I don’t want to be with him but I’m trapped. He won’t let me break up with him.”
“Tell Johnny what’s going on,” Lance said, causing me to whip my head up quickly.
“Are you kidding me? I’m not about to risk all that that would cause to explode. No way. I’ll deal with it. And-“ I paused, wondering if I should continue, but I felt close to Lance and he’d always seemed like someone I would’ve liked to have gotten to know better. “-and I’m pregnant. So there’s that.”
“Shit, Addie,” Lance sighed and shook his head. “Does he know?”
“No,” I replied, looking down at my hands. “I’m not telling him until the tour is done. Jen and Brooke, and now you, are the only ones that know. He’s not going to be happy, I know that.”
“I’m so sorry, Addie,” Lance hugged me again. “I won’t say anything. I promise. And if you ever need anything or anyone to talk to, you can always come find me.”
I’d remember what Lance had told me. Because soon, I would need him more than I realized.
