I managed to stay away from JC for the rest of that week with the help of Jen, Brooke, and Lance. He would come looking for me before and after shows, but as soon as we’d sung our last song, I hurried off in the opposite direction and locked myself in the dressing room until it was time to go. Usually, Brooke would come get me as the guys were doing their encore and we’d either get on the bus or a limo would take us back to the hotel. I still hadn’t told anyone else about the pregnancy and to be honest, I wasn’t thinking much about it. I was surviving and trying to stay away from JC more often than not. But eventually, it all came to a head. It had to. I couldn’t hide forever and I knew in a few more weeks I could start showing anyway. 

I was on the bus after our last show in Portland. We were making the trek down to San Francisco and would arrive early in the morning. I was tired all of the time now, but chalked it up to everyone else as just getting used to tour life. They all bought it and left me alone and I was able to rest easier trying to get through hiding the baby. It was late at night when I’d let my mind drift to the fact that I was going to have a baby and that I had no idea what I was going to do after it got here. My parents would disown me, I still had no idea what JC would do, and I had a feeling once it all came to the surface that I’d be kicked out of the group, even though Jen and Brooke had sworn that wouldn’t happen. I knew they couldn’t promise that. It wasn’t up to them. We were supposed to have some sort of a good girl image, just as Nsync was supposed to have had a good guy image, but that was blown out of the water the first night we’d all hung out together.

I was able to get on the bus before the encore had started and immediately went to my bunk, which was the bottom bunk under Brooke’s. Brooke and Jen never slept on there any more. At this point, they were both with Chris and Justin (except for the following week when Britney was joining us and Justin and Brooke would have to sleep a part) and were always sleeping on their buses. It was nice to have the bus to myself and just sleep or watch television to my heart’s content. Normally, Brooke or Jen would check on me before they left, so that night when I heard the bus door open, I assumed it was one of them. I was snuggled up under the covers and had the overhead light on above me while reading Cosmopolitan. I heard footsteps getting closer, so I put the magazine down and was about to call out for Jen or Brooke, when the curtain opened and JC stood in front of me.

“You can’t hide from me forever,” he knelt down next to me. “Baby, I’ve missed you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Come back to me. I need you.” He was stroking my arm with his thumb and I was cringing, unable to speak.

“We’re not together,” I somehow managed to get out.

“Yes, we are,” he answered, not batting an eye.

“JC, we’re about to pull out? Are you staying on this bus?” the bus driver, Al, called from the front. 

“Yeah! Thanks, Al,” JC called back and looked at me. “Please, baby. Please just let me hold you tonight.”

“No,” I was trying to be firm, but his grip had tightened on my arm and I was anxious, praying Jen or Brooke would get on the bus before it was too late. I wanted to scream out at Al to stop, that JC wasn’t on this bus at all, and that I wanted him off. But my voice was caught in my throat and I couldn’t form any words.

“Why have you been so distant from me?” he somehow managed to crawl in next to me, even though I had tried to make it impossible. “Tell me. What is it?” His hands roamed up my thigh and I tried my hardest to move away from him, but he wouldn’t let me. 

“I don’t want to be with you anymore,” my voice was just above a whisper. “You weren’t even there for me when I was in the hospital. And you have yet to ever say anything to me except how hot I am or whatever. You don’t love me, you don’t care about me. All I am is just someone you can get in bed with and that’s all I ever was.”

JC sighed and hung his head, then looked back at me. “Addie, please forgive me. Please let’s start over. I want to be the kind of boyfriend you need me to be,” he released his grip on my thigh and had managed to move next to me and lie down. The bunk was not very big, but we were able to lie there together without it being uncomfortable. “Come here. Please let me just hold you.” His arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me next to him. I had no choice but to rest my head on his chest. “Isn’t this better? Haven’t you missed this?”

Truth be told, I had somewhat. It was nice to have someone to fall asleep next to, but it was also nice to have someone who you weren’t terrified of controlling you. I relaxed and closed my eyes. Maybe if I slept, he wouldn’t want to do anything else.

“Addie?” he whispered, the bus starting up and rolling out of the arena.

“What?” I answered, my eyes still closed, my heartbeat slowing down and feeling more relaxed.

“I love you,”

My head and my heart reeled. I didn’t know what to think. He loved me? He loved me even though he hadn’t been there for me at all last week? He loved me even when he had forced himself on me? Was there a reason behind it all and this was it? Love? I didn’t know that this wasn’t love. I had no concept of being in love, other than the fact that I had thought I loved him because he had been the one and only man to have ever taken something I had held in high regard. Suddenly, I felt the weight lift from my chest and I let out a shaky sigh.

“You do?” I looked up at him, and he smiled at me.

“I do. I love you,” he captured my lips with his and then stopped. “Do you love me?”

Did I? I was having his baby, I had had countless hours of sex with him, and even though a few days ago, I’d wanted to break up, the fact that he was here holding me and making promises and telling me he loved me somehow overshadowed that. And in my insecure, fragile state that I was in, I responded to him.

“I do. I love you, too,”

“Addie,” he gently rolled himself on top of me. “Addie, please don’t leave me like you did. I couldn’t handle it.” His hands were searching underneath my tank top and soon it was discarded as were my shorts. I helped him undress and our clothes lie in a pile next to the bunk bed. He eased himself inside of me and we began to move with each other at a slow pace. He kissed me and touched me and made sure I was enjoying every moment. It hadn’t been this way in a while. He was showing me, so I thought, that he loved me. He felt me tense up around him and began to move slower inside of me.

“JC,” I breathed. “JC, go faster. I need you to go…faster!” I wanted to come, I was ready, but he was deliberately making it last.

“Just wait. I want to come with you,” he kissed me again and began to make slow strokes within me, so that I could feel every single movement. It had never been this good. Every inch of my body was tingling and on fire. I didn’t want him to stop. My eyes pleaded with his and we were suddenly grasping onto one another as our orgasm’s hit us almost at the same time. His fingers touched me between my legs and began to massage me so that I wouldn’t stop and soon I was gasping for breath once more, my thighs pressed against his, my head thrown back against the pillow.

“JC,” my arms clung around his neck, as he rested his head into the nape of my neck. “That was amazing.”

“I wanted you to see how much I love you, baby,” he raised his head and kissed me softly.

I wondered if I should tell him then. He had to know and we’d just had pretty intense lovemaking. Not to mention, he’d told me he loved me. I hesitated, but only for a second. I wanted to tell him. I needed to tell him.

“I have to tell you something,” I spoke softly, as he rolled off of me and pulled me close to him.

“Anything,” he kissed my forehead and his hand lazily ran down my back.

I looked up at him and he smiled at me. It seemed so reassuring, that I suddenly felt as though I could tell him anything.

“I’m pregnant,” I was smiling as I said the words, but the smile faded when his face turned to that of pure detestation.

“What do you mean?” he couldn’t really sit up too much, or else he’d bump his head, but he leaned up so that he could look down at me.

“I mean that I’m going to have a baby. We’re going to have a baby, I guess I should say,” my voice was cracking and I was wishing I’d just kept my mouth shut. I was also wishing Jen and Brooke were there to buffer this whole conversation.

“No we’re not,” JC said, flatly. “Once we get off tour, we’ll go take of it.”

I suddenly remembered the conversation from the first night on tour. I’ll take care of it, he’d said. He hadn’t meant that he would help me take care of it. He meant he’d pay for the abortion.

“I-I don’t know-“ I started.

“We’re not having a baby. Are you kidding me? I have no time and neither do you. No. So get that out of your head, Addie,” JC lay down again and turned away from me.

“JC, I don’t know if I want an abortion. I-“

“It doesn’t matter. You have to have one. Don’t you want to stay in Three4One? If you have this baby, you’ll be out on the street with it,”

“But I thought you loved me? I thought you’d want to raise it together or-“

“I do love you. But we’re not having a baby. So get it out of your head. The sooner you do, the easier it will be. Goodnight,” 

“JC-“ 

“Goodnight, Addie,”

I didn’t sleep at all that night. As tired as I’d been, I couldn’t fall asleep. I could only think about what we’d just discussed. He’d made the decision. We weren’t going to have a baby. We were going to pretend it had never happened. And I wasn’t allowed to have a choice in the matter at all. Not that I’d even thought much about it, but when he’d said he loved me, I only assumed that that meant we would be able to raise our child together. Now, we weren’t going to raise it at all. And I didn’t know how I felt about it. I didn’t know if I wanted an abortion.

The next morning when we arrived at the hotel to check in, Jen immediately came over to me when she’d seen us exit off the bus together. Her eyes showed concern and she grabbed my hand and pulled me away from JC, who was in a conversation with one of the sound guys near the check-in desk.

“What the hell, Addie?” she whispered. “Please tell me you didn’t-“

I looked at her, guilt written all over my face. “I did. He told me he loved me. And I told him. I told him about the baby,” 

“Addie…” Jen reached for me and hugged me. “What did he say?”

“He wants me to get an abortion,” my voice was shaky as I answered her. 

“Is that what you want?” she pulled away from me to look me in the face.

“I don’t know,” I shook my head and looked at my feet.

“Addie!” JC called to me and I looked over at him. “Come on. Our room’s ready,”

“You don’t have to go with him, Addie,” Jen reminded me. 

“Just let me go, Jen,” I muttered and released myself from her grasp on my shoulders. I went over to JC and he took my hand in his. As we passed Lance, I saw the look of worry and concern written all over him. I ignored it. I didn’t know what to think anymore. He’d told me he loved me. That was all that I knew. That and that he wanted me to have an abortion. Something I’d been taught all my life was wrong. I was all for women’s rights and all that, but I didn’t know if I could go through with it and the more I’d thought about it in the last 10 hours, the more I shuddered at the thought. 

“JC,” I said softly, as we entered the hotel room. He was putting our stuff down next to the luggage racks and looked over at me.

“What?” he turned away from me and continued to unpack.

“Can we talk? About what I told you last night?” I ventured to ask him, coming over to where he was standing. He turned and regarded me, a look that I wasn’t able to recognize on his face. Disdain? Exhaustion? Or was it just heartlessness?

“We already talked,” he answered me, turning back to his unpacking. “We have an answer. There’s nothing to-“

“I don’t want an abortion, JC,” I interrupted him. “At least not right now, I don’t want one. It scares me to be honest.” 

I heard him sigh heavily then he turned back to me. “Addie, I don’t think we really have a choice. It’s the baby or it’s our careers.”

“But, JC, plenty of people have babies in this business!” I countered. “Can’t we just give it more time before we make a decision on it that’s so final?”

He walked over toward me and stood face to face with me. “Those people have been around a lot longer than either of our groups have. They’ve got nothing to lose. We have everything to lose. There’s nothing else to discuss. It’s me or the baby. It’s your career or the baby. You pick.”

“JC-“ I began, but he shook his head. 

“No, Addie. No. It’s final. You heard my decision,”

I stood there not really knowing what to do or say next. We were back to where we’d been only a day ago. I felt tears in my eyes once more and let them fall. I didn’t hide them from him. Nor did I hide the sobs escaping my lips. He didn’t say anything, just continued to unpack. I went to the door and said nothing as I slipped out and went to find Jen or Brooke.

Lance was coming out of his room and saw me in the hallway. When he saw me, he came towards me and pulled me into his arms, smoothing out my hair, letting me cry. 

“It’s okay, Addie. What did he say?” Lance’s voice was just above a whisper and he tugged at me to follow him towards his room.

“He wants me to get an abortion,” I was sobbing harder now and a hiccup escaped as I brushed a tear away. “I don’t want one. It scares me. And he told me that was my only option.”

“I thought you broke up with him?” Lance opened the door to his hotel room and I followed him inside. “What happened?”

“He told me he loved me,” I murmured, thinking back to the night before, wondering if he’d meant any of it. It hadn’t taken him long to revert back to the person he’d scared me away from. “And so I thought it was okay to tell him I was pregnant. He said it was him or the baby.”

“Oh, Addie,” Lance shook his head. “You don’t have to take that, sweetie. You don’t have to get an abortion.”

“I don’t know what I want,” I sat down on the edge of the bed and sniffed. “I don’t even know if I want to be here anymore.”

Lance didn’t say anything, only sat down next to me. “If you don’t want to be here, no one’s making you stay,” he said softly.

“A contract is making me stay,” I reminded him. “Besides, we only have two months left. I’ll talk to Johnny then.”

“Get out of it, Addie,” Lance said, his arm around my waist. “Just tell him you want out of it. Tell him what’s been going on-“

“I’m not drawing attention to this,” I interjected. “I’ll just deal with it. I have to deal with it.”

I left soon after and headed back to the room I was sharing with JC. When I walked inside, he was sitting on the edge of the bed, aimlessly flipping through television channels on the TV. He looked up at me and then at the TV again. I walked past him and lied down on the bed, hoping to catch a few minutes of sleep before we had to be at the arena.

“Where did you go?” he asked me, not bothering to turn around.

“I went for a walk,” I answered, rolling over and facing away from him.

“That tells me nothing,” he muttered, turning off the television and crawling in bed next to me.

“I went for a walk. In the hotel. On this floor. Is that better?” I snapped, closing my eyes. 

“Don’t be a bitch,” he grabbed my arm and jerked me over to his side of the bed. “Look at me.” I opened my eyes, knowing they were still tear-stained. “I know what’s best for you. You have no idea how you’d get spit up and thrown out of this if they found out you were pregnant. Do you want that?”

“Sometimes I think I would,” I answered, locking eyes with him. “So there.”

“You’re not leaving,” his grip tightened on me. “I’ll make sure of that.”

“You can’t do this,” I told him, pushing him away with my free hand.

“Don’t!” he raised his voice and jerked me back. “You aren’t leaving me. And when this is over, we’ll deal with whatever we have to deal with. And you’ll see it my way. Do you understand?”

I understood. I understood that I’d made a huge mistake the night before. He hadn’t meant any of it. He just wanted me back in his control. I had no power when it came to him. I couldn’t escape him and I knew it then and there.