In the days that followed, I completely shut down. I didn’t know what else to do. I wanted desperately to sneak off with Lance, if not just for sex, at least for comfort. I wanted to talk to Jen and Brooke. I wanted to get away from JC. I knew I couldn’t cross him because of what had happened. He made it known that he was going to control me as long as he could. And that’s what I didn’t understand. He supposedly cared about me, told me he loved me, but we never had any meaningful conversations. Obviously, I was a toy in his bed to play and abuse. I hated touring now. I hated being anywhere near him. My mind wandered all of the time to the future because I was so desperate to get out of where I was. We were also getting more famous the more that we toured and the more that our first single, “Uptight”, was getting radio play. By the end of the next week, we’d reached #2 on the Billboard charts. Jen and Brooke had been ecstatic but I had only managed to smile and try to appear happy. I was literally becoming a shell of myself, and all I knew was to withdraw and pretend that JC was the best thing to ever happen to me in public.

We had pulled over to a truck stop so that the buses could refuel. JC miraculously decided to get off the bus and stretch and I dared myself to go find Lance or Jen or Brooke. None of them knew about what had happened the day JC raped me. Lance had sent me looks across the stage and all I could do was shrug. I wanted to be with him just as much as he wanted to be with me but it was impossible. I wasn’t about to get myself in that situation again with JC. I walked towards Chris’ bus where I knew Jen would be. She was sitting up front typing on her laptop but stopped immediately when she saw me.

“Addie,” she smiled at me and stood to hug me. “I’ve been so worried about you. We all have. What’s going on?”

I stared at her for a minute before saying anything. I looked out the window to make sure JC was still inside the truck stop. If I wasn’t on his bus when he got back, I didn’t want to think about what he’d accuse me of or even what he might try and do.

I suddenly burst into tears and Jen let me cry on her shoulder. She didn’t say anything, just smoothed out my hair and let me sob. She pulled me over to the couch that was against the bus window and took me in her arms, and I suddenly felt relieved to be here. I felt that freedom that I’d felt the week before when I’d escaped the hotel room and was able to have that moment with Lance.

“Talk to me. Tell me what’s going on,” she said softly. “I knew things weren’t going well. Lance and I talked.” I looked at her suddenly and I knew she knew everything that had happened with us. She smiled at me. “I won’t say anything. But he’s crazy about you and you know he’d treat you better than that dick you’re with now.” She brushed away a tear that was falling down my cheek. “Is that why you’re upset? Do you feel guilty for having sex with him?”

I shook my head. I hadn’t felt guilty in the least. In fact, if anything, it had been the best thing that had ever happened to me. Because it was the one time I’d had sex where I’d actually felt like the other person wanted me for more than my looks or to control.

“What is it, then? What happened?” Jen squeezed my hand in hers.

I let out a sigh and tried to control my sobbing so that I could speak. “JC. JC raped me when I got back from being with Lance. He didn’t believe anything I told him. That I’d gone on a walk by myself. Which was true at first because I did. I don’t think he knows anything about Lance because if he did, I’m pretty he’d hurt him,” I watched Jen’s face turn from surprise to shock to complete anger. “And when he was raping me, he got mad that I had closed my eyes and wasn’t watching him. So he hit me.” Having to reiterate it only made me sob once more. I hadn’t talked about it with anyone and had been carrying it around with me for a week.

“Addie,” Jen shook her head and pulled me into a hug. “Addie, you poor thing. Why didn’t you say anything before?”

“I can’t get away from him! This is the first time since then that he’s let me out of his sight and that’s only because he got off his bus to go walk around. I guess he figured that I wouldn’t be stupid enough to leave, but I had to. I probably should go back before he-“

“No!” Jen was adamant. “No, Addie, you aren’t going back there! And we’re talking to Johnny as soon as possible. I don’t care if it messes our image or whatever up, he needs to know and JC needs to get off this tour and you need to go home. You’ve been through way too much in the last two months.”

I didn’t say anything. I felt as though a weight had been lifted. I didn’t have to get back on that bus. I was going to stay here with Jen and she wouldn’t let me get hurt anymore. At that moment, Chris stepped inside with a bag full of potato chips, candy, and a six-pack of Budweiser.

“Hey, Addie! What brings you here-“ he started to say as he placed the items on the table across from us.

“JC is an ass. That’s what brings her here,” Jen finished for him. “I told you he wasn’t right, Chris. He’s been abusing Addie from the beginning.”

Chris looked from Jen to me and then back again. “What? What do you mean? What happened?”

“Just what I said. He’s been abusing her. And I knew something was wrong the whole time, like I told you,” Jen looked over at me. “We’ll get your stuff off of his bus when we get to Salt Lake. You just stay here and it’ll be fine.”

“I knew he was possessive,” Chris said, sitting down across from us. “I had no idea he was abusive.” He shook his head and looked at me. “Addie, I’m sorry. We should’ve all seen it. He’s been acting completely different lately. His last girlfriend didn’t put up with him for long and I think it devastated him. She was really good friends with Lance and-“

“That explains why he hates Lance so much,” I muttered and shook my head. It answered my question – if he knew what had happened, I couldn’t imagine what he’d do to Lance.

“Yeah,” Chris nodded. “And he’s jealous of Justin. Really jealous. Lately he hasn’t been talking to any of us. We just thought it was because he was so infatuated with you.”

I shook my head. “No. It’s beyond infatuation. I don’t even know what it is,” I said, and leaned against Jen.

I heard someone step onto the bus and the three of us whipped our heads up to see JC standing there. He had a bag as well filled with junk food and a bottle of Heineken. He glared at all of us, but me in particular. I felt Jen’s arm wrap tightly around me and she looked over at Chris who watched JC closely.

“Let’s go,” he told me, without blinking. “You got on the wrong bus, baby.”

“No, she didn’t,” Jen snapped at him. “She’s on the right bus. And she’s not leaving.”

“Shut up, Jen,” JC retorted, then looked back at me. “Addie, let’s go. Hurry up! They’re waiting on you to get back on so we can leave.”

“C, you need to go. Addie’s gonna stay here. She’s not going back with you,” Chris answered for me. “And I think it’s obviously for the best.”

JC dropped his bag and walked over to me. He held his hand out as though I would willingly take it. Which, before, I probably would have. But not anymore. I looked away from him and down at my lap. “Addie, don’t do this. Come on!” he raised his voice and I shook my head.

“No,” I looked up at him, his eyes blazing with fury. “No, JC. I’m not going back with you. I don’t want to be with you anymore. And I mean it this time.”

“Get off the bus, dude,” Chris stood up and went over to JC.

“Addie,” JC’s voice was soft. “Addie, what do you mean? I love you, baby. You know I make you happy and-“

“You scare the shit out of her so she’ll pretend to be happy around you,” Jen interrupted him. “You’re not going to hurt her anymore. You’re done.”

“Shut up, Jen! I wasn’t talking to you!” he raised his voice and his hand was clutched around my arm. “Get up, Addie. Don’t be an idiot! You’re carrying my child, baby! You can’t leave me now!”

“Your child that you want to abort as soon as you’re home,” Jen wasn’t relenting. “She can do what she wants. She doesn’t need you.”

JC wasn’t giving up so easily. He pulled me up with such force that I stumbled and fell into him. “She needs me. Don’t you, baby girl?”

“No!” I yelled at him. “I don’t need you!” I suddenly felt more powerful with Jen and Chris behind me. I knew he wouldn’t dare try to hurt me in front of them. “You’ve abused me since the first day I ever met you! And you raped me, JC! You raped me! You don’t care about me!”

“I did not rape you,” his grip on my arm tightened, but Chris came over and released me from it.

“You need to go. I think you’ve done enough damage and you’re making us late now,” Chris was firm but soft. “Goodbye, JC.”

JC looked down at me and pushed me away forcefully. “Fine. But don’t spread lies about me. I didn’t rape you and you know it.” He went to leave, then turned back to me. “Addie, you’re making a huge mistake.”

“I made a mistake when I let myself have anything to do with you,” I retorted, and turned away from him, heading towards the back of the bus. I don’t know what happened after that, all I know is that he must have gotten off because the bus started and we were leaving. And I was safely away from him. For now anyway.

Two weeks later, we were in San Antonio. I had officially moved back onto my bus and everyone else who didn’t know just figured that JC and me had broken up. As much as I’d wanted Lance to join me, we were both cautious about anything we did in front of our friends. Jen was the only one who knew that we’d shared that intimate moment with each other and even though I knew we both wanted to see what happened, we had to be extremely careful for a while. I was also careful not to let myself get anywhere near JC and he kept his distance when the eight of us were together in a group. I thought things were slowly returning to normal-sans the fact that I was pregnant with his child-and I began to come out of my shell a bit more. I hung out a lot with Jen and Chris and Lance would sometimes join us. He made the mistake once or twice of putting his hand on my leg and Chris had raised an eyebrow in jest at that. He said nothing and I was relieved our secret was still safe.

I was sitting in our dressing room backstage putting on the final touches to my eye make up when there was a knock at the door. I stood and opened it ever so slightly, just in case it was JC. To my relief, it was Lance. He’d never stopped by before because of how careful we were being, but that night I guess he’d taken a chance. I smiled wide and opened the door for him to come into the dressing room.

“Hi,” he said and pulled me into a hug.

“Hi,” I looked up at him and he bent down to plant a kiss on my lips.

“I’ve been wanting to kiss you for two weeks now,” he chuckled, his fingertips tracing my lips. I kissed his thumb and wrapped my arms around his neck, letting him know that I was ok if he wanted to continue. “How are you?”

“I’m better,” I told him, as he pulled me to him. “He hasn’t really come around much. I’m just keeping to myself.”

“Yeah? Good. I’m glad,” he pulled away from me and cupped my face in his hands, kissing me again, this time with more hunger. “I want to take you out to dinner. We have a day off tomorrow in Houston. Would that be okay?”

I brightened at that and nodded excitedly. “I would love that,”

“Good,” Lance smiled. “It’s about time you went on a date with the person you might start sleeping with.”

I bit my lower lip and looked at him. “Lance, I don’t know if you want to go down that road with me. I’m kind of a mess right now,”

“I’ll take my chances, Addie,” he kissed my forehead. “I’ve been wanting this since the day I met you but I lost it to JC and I’m not going to lose you again. And I can clean up messes. I’m good at that.”

I looked down at the small little bump that I only I could really detect and then back up at him. “Are you sure?”

Lance reached down to touch my stomach. “I’m positive.” He looked at the clock on the wall and then back at me again. “I need to go. I’m supposed to be on the lookout for Joey.”

“Joey?” I questioned, as we walked towards the door.

“Yeah. He and Brooke are in his dressing room and she was supposed to meet up with Justin soon,” Lance shook his head. “I’m only doing it because Joey’s my best friend.”

I shrugged. “You’re not going to get any grief from me about it,” I told him. Before he opened the door he looked back at me and we kissed once more. “Good luck tonight, Addie.”

“Thanks, you too,” I smiled and kissed his cheek before he left. I stood at the door and watched it, secretly wishing he’d come back and we could keep making out. I felt the little bump on my stomach and sighed as I rubbed it. Jen had sworn she couldn’t tell but I knew it was starting to make itself known. I went over to the mirror and examined it from the side, then pulled my shirt up and looked at my silhouette from the side. The door opened and I looked in the reflection to see JC standing in the door -frame. I pulled my shirt down and clutched the back of the chair, daring myself to look at him again.

“Are you keeping it?” he asked, still standing in the doorway.

“I don’t know,” I answered, talking at him through the mirror.

He said nothing, just stood there and stared at me. “Don’t expect me to help. I want nothing to do with you or that little brat,”

“Part of it is your brat, too,” I retorted and glared at him through the mirror.

“Why did you tell people I raped you?” he ignored my response.

“Because you did,” I faced him and still kept my hand gripped to the chair. I think part of my thought was that I could throw the chair at him if I needed to.

“We were together,” he said. “We both wanted it.”

“No. You wanted it,” I was suddenly feeling brave. “And you hit me. And you fed me lie after lie, JC. Why would you ever think I’d want to be with you after all that?”

“Have a nice life, Addie,” he spoke sharply at me. “Keep believing those little lies you feed yourself if it makes you feel better. And don’t come bitching at me for child support. I want nothing to do with it. Nothing.”

“Good. I don’t want my child raised by a psychotic bastard anyway,” I heard myself saying and then saw JC clench his fist tightly.

“Fuck off,” he muttered, and walked out of the doorway.