~~~~~*~~~~~

Three days passed, and Clare deliberately spent her free time at work away from the members of the group. It was easy to do since the men’s' schedule had ramped up suddenly with the tour now rapidly approaching.

Since it was early June and the temperature outside was rarely dropping below 81°F, Clare had been spending most of her lunch breaks down by the Compound pool. She'd found that swimming laps helped her to completely switch off her mind and blow away most of the cobwebs that had settled there.

It also meant that Sara knew exactly where to look for her when she needed to find her that morning. She stumbled upon Clare during the middle of her seventh lap and called loudly from the poolside to catch her friend's attention.

Hearing the sound of her name being called, Clare stopped mid–stroke and allowed her legs to sink to the bottom of the pool. Fortunately, she was in the shallower section of the pool and therefore her feet just touched the bottom. Brushing the water and some of her wet hear out of her face and eyes, Clare searched the poolside until she noticed Sara waving wildly at her from beside one of four sun loungers. She wasn't alone, and Clare felt a smile pull at her mouth as she noticed Jason standing beside Sara with a similar crooked grin on his face.

Clare walked slowly through the water across to them, brushing droplets of water self–consciously from her bare arms and shoulders before reaching behind her head to squeeze the water out of her dripping hair. As she reached the side of the pool, Clare avoided the pool steps and instead lifted herself out of the water and onto the poolside in one easy motion. The regular swimming wasn't just helping to clear her mind, but improve her upper–body strength, too.

"Hi!" Clare greeted her friends, still slightly out of breath from the exertion of her activity. She climbed to her feet, her legs wobbling slightly beneath her, and held her arms out to Jason as an offer of a hug. He regarded her curiously before Clare came to her senses and realised that she was dripping with water. She chuckled and lowered her arms in understanding.

"Sorry," she muttered before Sara pottered over to where Clare had discarded her beach towel and retrieved it for her. Clare gratefully wrapped it around her body and steered her friends out of the direct sunlight and into the shelter of the nearby porch that surrounded the main building nearby.

Once out of the glare, Clare was able to properly look at both Sara and Jason and she offered them a weak smile—the most she'd been able to do in weeks. The sadness in her eyes surprised Jason, even though he'd been pre–warned by his sister, and he was alarmed to see the change in Clare from only a few weeks. She looked like a different person completely.

Jason returned her smile, if a little hesitantly. "Hiya, Clare–Bear. Nice to see you."

Clare grimaced at his sickly–sweet nickname and tried to narrow her eyes at him playfully. Although the intention was there, her humour was stifled by the ache in her heart. However hard she tried, she couldn't bypass the well of grief and loss inside of her which was making almost everything but crying practically impossible. She wondered how long she would feel this way, and hoped that it wouldn't be forever. It was exhausting feeling so lost and broken all the time.

"Hiya, Jace. How've you been? How’s being adored by millions of women workin' for ya?"

Jason chuckled and lowered his head bashfully. "I'm not sure that's accurate, but I am good, thanks." He hesitated, and then decided to ignore the niggling feeling that told him to avoid the subject. It felt wrong not to state the obvious, and he felt he would be doing her a disservice as her friend if he didn't. "I heard about Libby, Clare. I can't tell you how sorry I am. Truly."

Clare swallowed audibly and looked up at him with wide, child–like eyes. It seemed strange still hearing someone mention Libby's accident as though it had only just happened. It seemed so long ago to her that she'd overlooked the fact that she hadn't actually seen Jason since Libby had been in the hospital. For her it felt as though it'd had been years, and not just a few short weeks.

Clare opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out. She was too cut up inside to be able to discuss anyone else's grief, or even acknowledge Jason's kind words. When she wasn't feeling torn apart inside she was feeling swallowed up by an all–consuming feeling of numbness which often left her feeling as though she were an observer of her life, rather than the centre of it. She nodded in understanding and dropped her eyes to the tiled floor.

"Sara tells me you haven't been doing that good lately...?"

Clare chewed down on her lip and tried to compose her face. What was she supposed to say? That she was fine? Surely they wouldn't believe that. That she just needed some time to get her head on straight? Was that true? Was that even possible?

"I... I'm getting there," she lied, avoiding both their pairs of eyes.

"No, you're not," Sara told her firmly and then turned to her brother. "She's not."

"I can see that," Jason replied softly, meeting Sara's concerned face before turning back to Clare. "You know, Clare, me and Sara have been talking—"

"Yes, we need to take her with us," Sara interrupted, eyeing her brother intensely, silently willing him to agree with her. She was adamant that her plan was the right thing for Clare but she needed her brother's support and agreement to go ahead. It wouldn't be easy to convince Clare of what they had planned, but she knew that if they worked together it would be more successful. Up till now, Jason had said that he would save his final judgement until he had seen Clare himself and Sara could only hope that now he had, he'd go along with the plan.

Clare's eyes snapped up, and she eyed Sara, then Jason, with wary eyes. Take her with us? "Take me where?"

Sara took a deep breath and glanced quickly at Jason's face to see whether he looked as though he would interrupt her. He didn't and so she continued.

"Jason's headed to Spain next week," Sara explained. "It was always the plan that I would travel with him, as a sort of mini–break before the tour kicks off—" Sara glanced at Jason, willing him to take over.

"—Sara filled me in on what's been happening and we both felt that maybe you would like to join us. On vacation, I mean. It'd be a mini–vacation for you, too."

Clare opened her mouth to speak but Sara quickly cut her off before she had a chance to politely decline. "And before you just flatly say no, think about it, Clare. You need a vacation." She leaned forward and lowered her voice, her eyes staring knowingly into Clare's puffy, red–rimmed ones. "You need to get away, if only for a little while."

Clare flicked her eyes to Jason's sympathetic face, and he nodded slowly. "She's right, hon. You need a break more than anyone."

Clare glanced back down at her bare feet as the hundreds of reasons why she shouldn't go with them raced through her mind. She had every reason to need to stay behind, and yet there was a very small part of her, the selfish part that she usually kept locked tightly away, that whispered to her that she should forget all the other reasons and just do what she wanted. But what did she want? She wasn't really even sure.

"It'll be fun, Clare. I promise," Sara assured her. "Jason will be working so during the day it'll just be me and you. Picture it! Seven days of sleeping in, laying about in the sunshine and maybe even going out to a club in the evenings and picking up some Spanish men!" Sara wiggled her eyebrows suggestively at Clare who stared back at her in barely disguised horror.

"You don't have to do that, Clare," Jason butted in, cutting eyes accusingly at his sister.

Sara looked momentarily chastised before turned back to Clare with a bright smile. "It'd be just what you need. I promise. Get away, get some distance from—"

Jason grimaced and cleared his throat to interrupt his sister. "—What Sara is trying to say is that it'll be lovely to have your company, Clare. We'd look out for you and you would have a lovely time. Promise."

Clare offered him a weak smile and to her surprise she felt her defences weakening. Was this possible? Could she actually agree to this? Could she really just pack up and leave? The idea was so attractive... but...

"Libby..."

Sara nodded in understanding. Sara knew that leaving Libby would be a big obstacle for Clare to overcome if she was to agree to come along with them and therefore she had a counter–offer already prepared.

"Justin. I've already talked to him," Sara explained causing Clare to grimace. Great. I bet he thought even less of me after finding out I might be considering going on vacation.

As if reading her mind, Sara's expression softened, and she reached a hand out to place on one of Clare's arms. "What I mean is he's agreed to take over your visiting schedule. Libby won't be the worse for visitors just because you've gone away for a little while. In fact, as I am sure you can imagine, he was pretty thrilled to have more time to spend with her—"

Sara and Jason both shared a knowing smile which Clare reluctantly mirrored. Trust Justin to see the silver lining in her absence. Thrilled had probably been an understatement.

"—Plus Libby's mom has offered to call if anything changes. We can be home within a day if we need to, so you needn’t worry about missing anything."

Clare looked at Sara's eager face and then at Jason's. He gave her a thumbs up and smiled encouragingly.

"I guess you've thought of everything," Clare said weakly and her face cracked into a small smile. "It would be nice to get away from everything for a bit," she said, and surprised herself to find that her words felt true.

"Exactly!" Sara said, bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet with excitement now that she was almost certain that Clare was going to agree. Jason eyed her out of the corner of his eyes, silently willing her to keep it together. There was still a chance that Clare would change her mind and he didn't want Sara putting her off by being too full–on.

"So whaddya say?" Jason asked.

Clare sucked in a deep breath and then let it out in a huff. "I think I'm saying yes."

"Yes?" Sara repeated eagerly causing Clare's smile to widen slightly. It was true. If there were two people on the planet capable of bringing her out of her gloom then it was Jason and Sara. If she agreed to go with them, Clare was certain of a good time. If she allowed herself to have one.

"Yes," she repeated. "I say yes."

~~~~~*~~~~~

The rest of the week continued pretty much as usual, only Clare had a small glimmer of hope to cling onto that somehow helped her to get through. The more she thought about it, the idea of getting away seemed like a dream come true. And, as she silently crossed the days off in her mind, she actually began to look forward to it rather than being filled with guilt and indecision. Sara was right; it was exactly what she needed.

To Sara's surprise, Clare had asked that no one other than Justin be told about the vacation. Clare felt that she needed to begin cutting ties with the group and felt that now was as good a time to start as any. It hurt her to think it, but she was forcing herself to consider her options now that things between her and JC had changed. She needed to start thinking of her life outside of *NSYNC and she hoped that getting away would help her to do that with a clear head.

Although she'd fully expected it, Jamie was the first to openly mention the 'JC' subject with her. She'd managed two days before she'd come bursting into Clare's office and demanded that they both sit down and talk about what had happened. Jamie had overheard some things that the group and Sara had mentioned and she'd realised straight away that Clare would be deeply affected by it all. She wasn't her best friend but Jamie felt that she was almost as good a shoulder to cry on as Libby.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Jamie had asked as she'd discreetly—or so she'd thought—pushed a box of tissues across Clare's desk towards her friend. Clare eyed the box and then looked up to meet Jamie's eyes. It would be funny if she didn't feel so dead inside.

"About what?"

"Come on, Clare. Don't do that. You can talk to me." Jamie lowered her voice and glanced at the office door before turning back to her friend. "I know about Alyson. I know what happened."

Clare nodded and looked into Jamie's searching eyes before breaking away to glance at the window. She hated seeing the looks of pity on her friend's faces. Another reason to get away. It would be such a relief to be surrounded by strangers who wouldn't look at her with sympathy, or even look at her at all. She'd be just another tourist in the crowd. It was an appealing thought.

"I'm getting by, Jam."

"Are you? Are you really?" Jamie asked, reaching across the desk to place her hand over Clare's. Clare flicked her eyes back to Jamie's face and noticed that once again that searching, sad expression was back. Clare swallowed audibly.

"I'm doing my best."

"I could rip her hair out," Jamie muttered angrily as she thought of Alyson. "How dare he let her treat you that way. And in front of everyone," she spat.

"Yeah..." Clare replied in a shaky voice. This was exactly why she hadn't wanted to talk to anyone about it. She just couldn't conceal anything anymore. Her feelings were visible for everyone to see on her face and she hated it. She used to be so good at camouflaging the way she felt. But now she felt naked. Open for all to see. Her inner strength was gone. Crushed under a lifetime's worth of problems and heartache.

"You didn't hear this from me, of course, but Chris ripped into him over that. He was furious. We were supposed to go out for dinner that night but all we ended up doing was talking about you two."

"Great," Clare muttered sarcastically. "Thanks."

Jamie's cheeks flushed slightly, and she gave Clare's hand a squeeze. "Not like that. Sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I just meant that we were both concerned about you. It was such a shitty thing to do, Clare. That's all."

Clare nodded as the lump in her throat returned. I'm not going to cry. I'm not...

"I'm really surprised at JC," Jamie continued. "I know this Alyson has a hold over him, but he's not an asshole. I don't understand what's changed. He's turning into a—"

"He's in love," Clare muttered darkly as she dropped her eyes to the table. For Clare it was the only explanation. It was the only way she could excuse his actions. Otherwise...

"No, Clare," Jamie replied with a snort of angry amusement. "He's not."

Jamie's eyes regarded Clare's face and she once again squeezed her hand, her voice softening as she came to the realisation that Clare really did believe JC to be in love. She needed to get some sense into her and quickly. She couldn't have her friend believing something that wasn't true.

"He's not, Clare," she repeated. "Hey, look at me!"

Clare's eyes flicked up to meet Jamie's face.

"He's not. I promise you. I have, unfortunately, had to spend time with them and he is not in love. That's what I don't understand—"

"He's marrying her."

Jamie bit down on her lip and stared at Clare's sad, down–beaten expression. It hurt her to see her friend so dejected and she wished that there was something that she could do. She wished she had a magic wand to wave to make it all better. But of course, she didn't.

"Clare, I know he has feelings for you. I've spent two years around you. There isn't anyone he cares for more than you. He'll come around, I'm s—"

"I'm getting away for a bit," Clare interrupted her and they both looked momentarily surprised by her words. Clare hadn't anticipated telling anyone about her vacation but the words had just jumped out of her mouth. She'd so badly wanted Jamie to stop talking, to not try to raise her already dashed hopes that her subconscious had forced the words straight out of her mouth.

Jamie's mouth fell open, and she stared at Clare with wide eyes. Eventually, she spoke. "With Sara?"

Clare nodded. "Yes. We're going to Spain for a week."

Jamie nodded and eyed Clare cautiously. "You are coming back though, aren't you?"

"Of course. I'd never leave Libby—"

"Oh, I know. I'm just..." Jamie took a deep breath. She chewed down thoughtfully on her bottom lip and then broke out into a small smile. "You'll have a good time, I'm sure."

"Yeah, they'll take care of me."

Jamie nodded and Clare could tell that there was so much more that she wanted to say. It was obvious that she was holding back but Clare was relieved. She couldn't keep talking about JC. She couldn't keep thinking about JC. She needed to get as far away as she could where no one would want to talk about her problems unless she bought them up.

"When do you leave?"

"Sunday." Three days. Just three more days to get through and then I can escape my life for a little while.

Jamie nodded. "I hope you have a great time," she said sincerely although her face looked troubled. "We'll miss you."

"I'll miss you, too. But I need this, Jam. I need to get away." Clare searched her friend's eyes for a sign that she understood. It didn't matter, she'd still leaven anyway, but it would help to know that Jamie understood her reasons. It would remove a little of the guilt she felt about leaving Libby.

"I understand," Jamie said sadly and let out a small sigh. "I just wish things could have been different."

Clare nodded and swallowed audibly. "Me too."

~~~~~*~~~~~