~~~~~*~~~~~

Packing was never easy for Clare. It wasn't that she didn't know what to pack, it was just that she didn't know what not to. As she stood over her bed—which was completely covered in the majority of her wardrobe—she felt the familiar feeling of panic rise up in her which usually accompanied her pulling her dusty suitcase from the top of the wardrobe.

She just had so much stuff. But when she got down to the nitty–gritty of choosing what to bring on vacation with her, it all seemed essential. So far she'd packed and re–packed her case at least three times and she still wasn't satisfied. Once again she'd hauled it all out and started again from the beginning.

Usually she had Libby to help her. Libby was a dab hand at packing light, even though she'd had even less opportunity than Clare to travel. Somehow Libby had the God–given ability to pack what she called a 'capsule wardrobe' and still managed to have everything she needed and look fabulous at the same time. It really wasn't fair.

Seven days. It's only seven days, Clare reminded herself firmly. Choose seven day outfits, a few night outfits, bathing suits, sleeping things and underwear. That's all you need.

Clare chewed thoughtfully down on her bottom lip. But what if the weather changes? What if it's cold? I'll need a sweater. Or maybe two. Or perhaps I should bring a rain coat? It rains a lot in Spain, right? She found herself subconsciously humming the chorus to 'The Rain in Spain' from My Fair Lady. Yes, definitely a coat.

Clare scanned the heap of clothing that was scattered haphazardly across her queen–sized bed. And evening wear? What if Sara does want to go clubbing one night? Should I take something skimpy? Or what if we go out to eat every night? I'll need something classy. Like my black dress... But that doesn't go with any of the shoes I've chosen. Oh, God. I've got to start all over again. Again.

Clare felt her face drop. At this rate she'd never meet Sara and Jason at the airport on time. She glanced at her bedside clock's display and grimaced. Two hours. She really didn't have time to be so indecisive. She just had to pack what she thought she needed and hope for the best.

As she once again reached for one of her many plain t–shirts, Clare heard a tentative knock at the door and her head snapped around to listen. She wasn't expecting anyone and really didn't have time for visitors, but for all she knew it could be Jason or Sara coming over to help her pack. She couldn't afford to turn down an offer of assistance.

Clare rushed down the hallway towards the door and yanked it open eagerly.

"You really shouldn't tell my girlfriend stuff," Chris said as he stepped into the apartment without waiting for an invitation. He turned to face Clare and shrugged. "Jamie can't keep a secret to save her life."

Clare narrowed her eyes at him and shook her head. It frustrated her that he'd found out about her leaving but since he, too, was aware of her feelings for JC he surely would understand her need to get away.

"I think you have more reason to be concerned about that than me," she remarked dryly as she closed the front door and made her way back along the hall to her bedroom. Chris followed cheerfully behind.

As Chris eyed the mountain of clothes, shoes and bags cluttering up her room his mouth popped open in surprise and he let out a low 'oh'. Hearing the sound Clare turned around to face him with a raised eyebrow.

"I know it looks bad, but it's organised."

"Are you sure?" Chris chuckled good–naturedly as he made his way across the room and perched on a semi–clear spot on the side of her bed. "Looks like chaos to me."

"Organised chaos," Clare retaliated with a smirk as she lifted a long–sleeved t–shirt off the bed and regarded it carefully. She gave a half–hearted shrug and tossed it back onto the pile. "Actually, you're probably better at this than me. Any tips?"

"Yeah," Chris chuckled. "Get someone else who's organised to do it. I usually get J..." Chris's voice faltered and Clare looked up to meet his eyes. She knew exactly what he was about to say and was glad that he stopped himself before he said the word. It was the last thing that she needed to hear.

Chris cleared his throat. A fleeting look of embarrassment crossed his face before he brushed it off and reached out to pick up one of her discarded shirts.

"So how long will you be gone?"

"A week," Clare told him as she folded a pair of jeans and placed them in the suitcase. "I won't leave Libby for any longer."

Chris nodded in understanding and watched as Clare continued to pack. Although the silence wasn't particularly uncomfortable, Clare felt weighed down by the unspoken questions in the air. She knew that Chris was being careful not to upset her, but that didn't stop his silent judgement. She knew what he was thinking, even if he wasn't saying it aloud.

"I need to clear my head," she said eventually, avoiding his eyes as she squeezed several rolled up camisole tops in the gaps in her suitcase. Chris remained silent and Clare flicked her eyes up to see whether he'd understood. She met his penetrating gaze and swallowed audibly. It never failed to unnerve her whenever she saw that serious expression on his face. Probably because she so rarely did.

"You don't have to run away to do that."

Clare narrowed her eyes at him. He clearly had no idea. "I need to get away. I need space."

"So you are running away?"

"No. I'm taking a vacation."

Chris sighed and dropped the shirt. He twisted his body so that he was facing her full–on. "Clare, you can talk to me. I understand. If you need someone to talk to—"

"That's just it," Clare snapped back, angrier than she intended. "I'm fed up of talking about it. I'm fed up of thinking about it. I just want to get away from it all. I just want a break from my life."

Chris was silent for a moment as he absorbed her words. He understood her point, he really did, but he was concerned for her. He was worried that the problems that she was running away from would still be there on her return. He knew from his own experiences that this was likely to be the case.

"So when do you leave? Jamie said your flight was around seven…?"

Clare dropped her eyes and continued to pack up her things. "Erm, no. Actually we changed to an earlier flight. I'm meeting them at the airport in a few hours."

"Oh," Chris muttered in surprise as he pulled his cell–phone out of his jacket pocket. "I'll have to make some calls. We were gonna come and wave you off."

"We?" She repeated accusingly. The last she'd heard only Justin knew about her vacation. I guess good news travels fast, she thought gloomily. She hadn't really wanted everyone to find out. But maybe that hadn't been very realistic. After all, they were bound to notice when she wasn't at work...

Chris looked momentarily sheepish and shrugged. "Well, you know... once I found out..."

"Everyone else found out?" Clare asked, narrowing her eyes as she watched him begin to dial a number and hold the cell to his ear. His eyes met hers as he waited for the call to be connected.

"Not JC," Clare told him in a tone that was almost begging. Chris said nothing but continued to hold her gaze. "Please, Chris. I'm serious. I don't want him there. I can't handle seeing him again. I'm trying to get some distance."

Chris let out a sigh and dropped his arm, cancelling the call with a press of his thumb against the keypad. "No, you're running away from him," he said causing Clare's head to snap up, and she glowered at him. "Hey! You might not want to admit it, but that's what's happening here."

Fully preparing to chew him out and kick him out of her house, Clare opened her mouth to speak but Chris was quicker. He talked over her until she was silenced by his words and was forced to listen.

"He's going to be hurt when he finds out that you left without saying goodbye. Especially if he's the only one."

"No, he really won't," Clare said dryly and began to resume her packing. Chris—taking the hint—returned his cell–phone to his pocket and continued to watch her with sad eyes. He knew that she was hurting, but he didn't want her to leave with things so unresolved between her and JC. It wouldn't help in the long run. And as for her 'getting some distance', he knew that it would be impossible. He knew that she'd only end up feeling the same way she did now, only from far away. And if anything that would likely make her feel worse.

"It's such a shame," he muttered quietly as he reached out to fiddle with the zipper on one of her hoodie tops. "You guys were so close."

"Were being the operative word," Clare snapped back and glowered down at her suitcase. She'd finished filling it but like before it was just as chaotic and unorganised as it had been during the last attempt. She let out a sigh and dropped onto the bed, not caring that she was creasing some of the shirts she'd spent an age ironing that morning. Clare turned her head to meet Chris' eyes and at once he noticed that the fire that had been there only moments ago had been extinguished. She was losing some of her fight.

Clare sat there for a moment, chewing down on her bottom lip before letting out another sigh. She felt exhausted and now that she was sort of packed, she realised the full implications of what she was doing. It tugged on her heart and she felt some of the familiar ache return. As much as she didn't want to think about them, Chris' words kept replaying in her mind.

'... No, you're running away from him.'

She was, wasn't she? If things hadn't changed between her and JC would she still be leaving for a week? No. It had been torture when she'd gone to the hospital that morning to see Libby for the last time before she left. She'd felt racked with guilt, even though she knew that Libby would think her ridiculous for it, she'd still shed tears for the fact she was leaving.

She felt trapped between a rock and a hard place. Part of her craved the release from her daily routine. The endless hours in front of the computer and the daily trudge of heading backwards and forwards to the Compound and the hospital. Her life had lost some of its colour and she felt like a zombie running through her daily routine without seeing, or feeling, any of it. When she thought back on the last few weeks all she felt was tiredness and an overwhelming desire to close her eyes and hibernate for several months, at least. She hoped that going to Spain would help to revive her a bit and bring back a bit of her joie–de–vivre.

But on the other hand, as much as she didn't want to admit it, she realised deep down that she was running away. Not just from JC, she realised sadly. But Libby, too. It felt like everywhere she turned, everyone she loved, only added to her sadness. The Compound, which had at one time been like a second home to her now felt like a prison. Her apartment, which had once been her sanctuary, was the last place she now wanted to be. The longer she spent there without Libby the more she felt haunted by memories of the past. The laughter, the joy, the peace. It was all gone.

She felt terrible for feeling that way. It wasn't Libby's fault. But if she hadn't had her accident...

Clare shook her head firmly to push the thought from her mind. No. That wasn't fair. Even if Libby hadn't had the accident. Even if she'd recovered and was back home Clare's heart would still be breaking. She'd still have lost JC. Wouldn't she? She'd lost him that night nearly two months ago at the club. That's when Alyson had waltzed back into his life.

Even if Libby's accident hadn't happened, she'd still need to get away. She'd still need to find a way to get over him. Yes, she assured herself. She'd still most likely take a vacation. Only this time it would've been her and her best friend. She would have gone with Libby.

The thought cut into Clare's heart and she felt the tears well up. Was she selfish? Was she cruel to leave when Libby when she was so helpless? What kind of friend was she to take a vacation whilst her best friend was in the hospital?

"I just can't handle it anymore..." Clare sobbed causing Chris' eyebrows to shoot up in surprise. He wasn't expecting this, and he looked momentarily stunned as Clare's head bowed and her shoulders began to shake. He stared at her for a moment before realising that he had to do something, and he got to his feet and stumbled over towards her. Kneeling down in front of her, Chris reached out to lift her chin with his fingers so that she was looking him in the eye.

"Hey," he said softly as she met his eyes and a fresh wave of tears spilled down her cheeks. "Don't cry."

Clare shook her head slightly and opened her mouth to speak but only managed a grimace instead. How could she explain it? How could she tell him how she was feeling? She could barely keep up with her emotions herself, let alone explain them to someone else.

"...I feel so guilty about leaving her, but I can't do this anymore..." Clare sobbed, and she squeezed her eyes shut to avoid Chris' concerned gaze. There it was again in his eyes. The pity. "I just want to get away from it all. From everything."

"I know," Chris said, reaching out to hold both her hands in his and giving them a squeeze. "I know, Clare. It'd be too much for anyone to bear. You've been so strong and brave for so long. You were bound to reach your limit at some point."

"But... Libby..."

Chris took a deep breath and looked at her earnestly. "Libby doesn't know what's happening, Clare," he told her gently but firmly. "Libby loves you, and she would want you to do whatever is best for you."

Clare shook her head and was about to argue when Chris shook his head, silencing her.

"She won't be left on her own, Clare. She has many friends who will take care of her while you're away. You can't put that on your shoulders as well as everything else. You've got to start cutting yourself some slack."

Clare swallowed and felt her tears slowly begin to subside. Although she found it hard to accept, she knew that he was right.

"Libby wouldn't want to see you like this. We don't know how long this might go on for and you need to get your strength back for the long–haul, you know?"

Clare nodded slowly and let out a loud sniff.

"If you need to get away then do it. It doesn't matter what I, or anyone else, thinks. You do what's best for you. And I don't just mean that for now, Clare. I mean always."

Clare sucked in a breath and the ache returned as soon as JC's face appeared in her mind. Chris was right. She had to do what was best for her and that meant finding a way to suppress the nearly two–years’ worth of feelings that she had for JC. It was the only way she'd be able to handle returning in a weeks’ time. Who knew what she might return to. In just a few weeks he'd gone from apparently having feelings for her, to having a girlfriend and now a fiancée. Would she return to find he'd eloped and married?

She had to find a way to compartmentalise her feelings. Stuff them away in a corner of her mind so at least she could think, eat and sleep again without the constant ache in her heart. It was the only way she'd be able to continue with her job. Or else—as she'd thought before—she'd have to leave. But that was a last resort. She'd at least try this first.

Clare met Chris's eyes again and gave him an attempt at a weak smile. "You're a good friend, Chris." She said and was surprised to see a flash of pain flicker in his eyes for a moment. Clare felt her stomach flip in response and she frowned slightly as her eyes flicked between his, searching for an explanation.

"What?" She asked him in a panic. "What?"

Chris cringed and let out a long sigh. He squeezed her hands affectionately and once again the pity look was back in his eyes. "This isn't the right time," he said gloomily and Clare watched as he broke eye contact and glowered at the ceiling for a moment before glancing down to meet her eyes. "And I wish that I didn't have to tell you this, Clare, but I wouldn't be a good friend if I didn't."

Clare felt her heart begin to race. This was more bad news, she knew it was. But what was there left to tell her? Hadn't she had every kind of bad news imaginable? She searched his eyes desperately, even as her gut begged her to block up her ears, to not listen. That whatever it was that she needed to tell him, that she was better off not knowing.

"He doesn't know that I'm telling you this, Clare—" Chris said, his eyes wide and serious as he regarded her face. "—But I know that as much as this may pain you, you deserve to know the truth—"

Clare stared at him and her whole body began to tremble. Chris felt it and squeezed her hands tighter.

"—I don't know what he told you, but there's a reason why he's suddenly back with Alyson. And why he's suddenly engaged even though they've just gotten back together—" he said through clenched teeth and for the first time Clare considered the effect that JC's engagement might have taken on the rest of the members of the group.

She'd been too preoccupied with her own feelings to even give a thought to theirs. Even though it was her job to balance the portrayal of the guys personal lives with their public ones. Joey was one thing. Most of the fans knew that he had a long–term girlfriend and it was unlikely to take the fans by surprise if he were to suddenly announce his engagement. But JC? That was bound to go down like a lead balloon.

Chris sucked in another breath through his mouth and let it out in a long sigh. "I know this won't be easy for you to hear, but Alyson... Well, she's pregnant, Clare."

Clare's mouth fell open, and she stared at him with wide eyes. Was it true? She was pregnant?

Chris grimaced at the expression on her face but knew that he had to continue anyway. He'd started and now he had to finish. "I'm not making excuses here, but when he found out he said he had to do the right thing. No matter what it cost him."

Clare flicked her eyes away to her patterned bed cover. She couldn't bear looking at the expression on his face any longer. He looked so apologetic, so regretful, and so full of pity. She felt her breathing become erratic and forced herself to keep a lid on it. Not to let herself fall apart once again. She couldn't keep doing this to herself.

"No matter what," she repeated without any emotion. She felt dead inside. The numbness that had threatened before to consume her had done its job to completion. Although it was the worst news that she could expect to hear, it was almost as though her brain was blocking it out; stopping her from absorbing it properly. Although it was an eerie feeling, she was grateful.

"He meant you, Clare. I know he did," Chris said, slightly desperately. "He'd never have chosen her over you if it weren't for the baby. You need to know that. You do understand that, don't you?"

Clare nodded simply to shut him up. She couldn't talk about it anymore. She couldn't think about it anymore. She needed to finish collecting her things, get to the airport and escape. Thank God for Sara and Jason. Thank God she'd agreed to go on vacation with them. Thank God she was able to run away.

"Can you drive me to the airport, please?" She asked him in a shaky voice. She wouldn't think about what he'd said. She'd just focus on her holiday. It was the only thing that she could do. Two hours. That was all. She just had to survive the next two hours.

Chris seemed surprised by her response. Whatever reaction he'd been expecting from her, it hadn't been that. "Err... yeah. Course.”

"I'm ready to go now," she told him and met his eyes once again. They both understood the double meaning in her words and Clare raised her chin defiantly, refusing to allow the tears that were threatening to spill flow down her cheeks. She was so ready to leave now. The guilt that she had felt only moments before had gone. She didn't care if not saying goodbye to JC would hurt him. She hoped that it would. She hoped that he'd be in as much pain as she was. She hoped he'd have as hard a time getting over her as she was having him. Unlike her, he wouldn't be able to escape from his life so easily.

~~~~~*~~~~~