~~~~~*~~~~~

Clare couldn't sleep.

Maybe she'd drunk too much coffee? Or perhaps it had been a bad idea to watch a scary pay–to–view movie right before going to bed? Either way, as she lay awake staring at the ceiling, she knew that sleep was not going to be an option.

She let out a deep sigh and rolled her eyes. Miami had been a mistake.

If she'd thought that being alone would somehow help her to clear her head, then she’d had been very wrong. In reality, she'd found out that there was nothing scarier than being left alone with her thoughts without any interruption.

Clare pitied her friends. She wasn't an easy person to be around at the moment and she had a new respect for Sara, who'd put up with so much during her vacation. Miami felt too close to home, and yet still a million miles away from where she wanted to be.

Where did she want to be? The answer was easy. She wanted to go back five months in time to when everything had seemed so perfect and life had still been worth living. She wanted her best friend back, and for the easy camaraderie between her and JC to return. She wanted Alyson out of the picture, and to not even be a glimmer of possibility on the horizon. In short, she wanted the impossible.

Letting out another sigh, Clare decided that it wasn't worth lying in bed, torturing herself over the fact she couldn't sleep. There had to be something that she could do in a hotel room at three in the morning. Her eyes settled on her laptop bag, which had remained untouched throughout her trip to Spain, and now Miami. She'd been carrying it around regardless and even now it was propped up against the wall at the other end of the room patiently waiting for her to notice it.

Check emails. That's something I haven't done in over a week.

She climbed out from under the covers and crossed the room to collect her laptop. With any luck she could distract herself by clearing out her inbox which had every chance of boring her into a sleep–like trance. It had been known to work on previous occasions.

Clare removed the computer from the bag and placed it at the bottom of the bed. She sat down in front of it, crossing her legs beneath her as she waited for the welcome screen to load. So far so good. She'd already checked the hotel's Wi–Fi settings in the leather bound visitor's pack, and so it didn't take long for her to connect to the internet. Before she knew it a minute had passed, and she was staring at a page full of unread emails.

'You have 43 unread emails!' Microsoft Outlook told her cheerfully.

Clare let out a sigh. 43. Great. Maybe she didn't have the energy for this after all.

She scanned down the page through the obligatory money–off vouchers, bank detail requests, and suggestions that she'd won competitions she hadn't even entered until she found a name that she recognised.

Jamie King.

Clare smiled to herself. Poor Jamie. She didn't envy her being stuck at work preparing for the tour by herself, and not for the first time since she'd left Orlando, she felt a pang of guilt. 

'Clare, I've finished the re–scheduling and everything is now sorted. I've attached the new schedule for you to have a look at when you get a chance. No pressure, I know you're supposed to be on holiday (but I also know you're like me and can't switch off!) Enjoy your vacation. Love Jam xx'

Clare continued to scan down the page until she noticed Lisa's name.

'Hiya, Clare. I know we spoke yesterday, but I wanted to update you on my hospital appointment. Joey made me go (of course) and I've had loads of tests, but apparently there's NOTHING WRONG. Whatever. So pissed off. Anyway, make sure you enjoy the rest of your holiday. Miss ya and we'll catch up when you're back. Loadz of love, Lis. xxx

The next three emails were all from Justin, with attachments, which she could only guess were things he'd found on the Internet about Libby's condition. Doubtless they would be interesting, but she knew she would have to be completely alert and in her right mind to understand them. Now wasn't the time. She scrolled down to the email sent most recently. Judging by the date, she realised at once that it'd been sent after she'd spoken to him last.

'She opened her eyes!!!!! Clare, she actually OPENED HER EYES!!!'

Clare grinned and let out a snort of amusement. She could feel Justin's overwhelming excitement through the email, and she sucked in a breath as the reality dawned on her. Libby was starting to regain consciousness. Her eyes flicked to the rest of the email, speed reading through the remainder of the text.

'It was only for a second and she hasn't done it since but !!!! It was amazing!! I wish you could've seen it. The doctor said that she could wake up any day now, so you better get your butt back here. Come back and start bossing us all around again! Call me when you get this – JT

Clare grinned and reached for her cell phone before realising the time. It was 3:18 a.m. There was no way that Justin would appreciate her calling him in the middle of the night. Even if it was to talk about Libby.

She closed down Justin's email and continued scrolling.

'Turn on your phone!'

That was so Chris. Blunt and to the point. Not to mention repeated three times in a row. Clare smirked and shook her head. Chris.

The next block of emails took Clare's breath away.

38. And all from one person.

What can he possibly have to say thirty–eight times? Clare asked herself as she highlighted all the emails from JC, and with a click of the touch–pad sent them all to the recycle bin without a moment of hesitation.

'These messages are about to be permanently deleted!' the computer warned her. 'Are you sure you want to delete these messages?'

Oh, yes. Another click on the touchpad and the messages were gone.

~~~~~*~~~~~

Later that afternoon, Clare found herself back in her hotel room staring at her cell–phone as she chewed down anxiously on her thumbnail. It was time. She had to do this, she kept reminding herself, but it was hard. Taking a deep breath she picked up her phone and dialled Chris' cell–phone number.

Time had run out, and Clare knew in her gut that it was time to head home. She'd stayed away long enough, and it was high–time to return to her life in Orlando.

Clare had kept in regular phone contact with Justin and Catherine about Libby's progress whilst she'd been away, but everyone else had been communication with her via email. It had been so much easier for them all, and Clare had been relieved to find that she'd had more control over the subject matter that way. She hadn't admitted it aloud to anyone, but she'd been fearful of speaking to her friends over the phone just in case she heard his voice in the background. She'd been trying to protect herself, and so far it had worked. For no one dared mention JC in an email.

Clare fully anticipated getting an earful of abuse from Chris for not keeping in contact more regularly, but she stood by her decision. This vacation was supposed to have been an opportunity for her to clear her head, and there's no way that could have happened if she'd been attached to her cell–phone the entire time.

Her compromise was to let him be the first person to hear that she was coming back to Orlando. And she hoped that if she asked nicely, that he might also pick her up from the bus depot and give her a ride home.

"'Lo?"

"Hello," Clare said, smiling at the familiar sound of his voice.

"Hello?"

"Hello."

"Hello?"

"Okay, at this rate this is going to be a very expensive phone call!"

"Giddy?"

Clare sniggered at the obvious excitement in her voice. She was flattered, but also amused. Sometimes it was so hard to believe that Chris was the oldest member of *NSYNC. He was just a big kid at heart.

"This is she."

"Where the heck have you been? I've almost been tempted to fill out a missing person’s ad you've been gone so long!"

"I'm on vacation!" Clare answered shadily. "You knew that."

"I meant where exactly? Sara came home and said you wanted to keep it a secret, or somethin' crazy like that."

Clare chuckled. "Well, since you asked I'm in Miami."

"Miami! What? What are you doin' there? I've tried calling you but your phone was always off."

"Yeah... bad reception."

"Bad reception, my ass," Chris snorted not buying her excuse in the least. "You've just been avoiding me, admit it. I remember the last thing you said at the airport, 'I have my cell with me. I'll be in touch!' Whatever, you big fat liar!"

"I said I had it with me," she replied with a chuckle, "I didn't say that it would be on."

"Technicality," Chris replied, the laughter also evident in his voice. "You'll have to pay for that when you get back you know."

They fell into an easy silence, and Clare began to wonder when it would be appropriate to mention her plans to return. Should I wait for him to ask?

"How the hell are you, anyways?" Chris asked, breaking through her train of thought. "It seems ages since we've seen you."

"I'm on the road to recovery," Clare answered in a droll voice. "My rehab is going well. I'm almost clean."

Knowing that Chris couldn't see her, Clare pulled a face. She knew that her words were far from true. She was nowhere near being completely over JC, however much she wanted to be. But at least she was making steps in the right direction. She had to start somewhere.

"Good, good. And have you been taking your pills?" Chris asked playing along.

"Which ones? There are so many it's hard to keep track," Clare giggled back. It was so easy to talk to Chris. He made even the most difficult of conversations easier to bear. Maybe because he was so child–like. He didn't get swept into complicated adult conversations full of angst. He got straight to the point, and was one of the few people that Clare knew who could be counted on to say exactly what he was thinking.

"I'm fed up of talking about me, though," Clare said, eager to draw the conversation away from herself. Discussing how she was feeling only made her think about how she was feeling, and that always took her to the same dark place. Once again, she didn't want to go there. She didn't want an image of him in her head. "How is everyone else?"

"Everyone is good. I'm guessing I don't have to tell you that we don't see Justin any more. He's taken up permanent residence at the hospital. I think they're even going to name a wing after him soon—"

Clare chuckled. Poor Justin. There was no way that he was going to be able to keep his feelings for Libby under wraps now.

"—Joey and Lisa are the same smug, happy couple that they always were," Chris teased, and Clare heard an irritated 'hey!' from Joey in the background. Clare giggled. She'd missed hearing the guys teasing and poking fun out of each other.

"—Lance is like a bear with a sore head since Jenny left, so that's always fun—"

"Chris, that's mean," Clare interrupted, but she couldn't keep the laughter out of her voice.

"—Sara has returned with a renewed energy, and I swear she is out to kill us all. And last but not least, JC—"

"So you're all good. Great. How are you and Jamie?" Clare asked cutting him off before he could go any further. Chris let out a deep sigh but didn't object.

"Good, thanks. We've reached second base," Chris chuckled and turned his head to wink at his girlfriend, who was watching him from across the room. Jamie scowled at the smug grin on her boyfriend's face and Chris wiggled his eyebrows suggestively back at her.

"You've both said the 'L' word?" Clare asked with a chuckle.

"Yes, but I'd like it officially noted on the record that she said it first—" He said, before his voice was cut off abruptly. Clare frowned and pulled her cell–phone away from her face to check her signal. It was showing at least three bars, and gave her no explanation for why his voice had cut out so suddenly.

"Chris? Hello? Are you still there?"

Clare heard the sound of hushed talking and strange, muffled noises before Chris returned to the phone.

"Err... Clare, there's someone here who would like to talk to you..."

Clare's heart began to thump loudly in her chest. Let it be Justin. Please let it be Justin.

"Who is it?" She asked tersely, determined that if Chris was about to hand the phone over to who she thought he was, then she'd end the call first. She was not going to be tricked into talking to him.

"Chris? I said 'who is it?'" She snapped, her voice coming out angrier than she intended.

There was no reply.

"Kirkpatrick!"

"He's gone. It's me."

Those four words sent Clare into a trembling mess.

God dammit! She thought miserably to herself. This is exactly what I didn't want to happen!

Should she hang up? She wondered. Could she hang up? Despite her best wishes, JC's voice still set her heart racing and caused her stomach to start summer–saulting. Clare screwed up her face and willed her body to stop reacting to the sound of his voice. It really wasn't a good sign of her abilities to get over him. Clearly she hadn't made as much progress as she'd hoped.

"Hello? Are you still there?"

No. "Yes."

"Hi."

Clare frowned and chewed down on her bottom lip. "Hi," she replied shortly even as her heart continued to race in her chest.

"How have you been?"

Terrible. "Fine."

"What have you been up to?" JC asked, and Clare could detect the tension in his voice. He was clearly trying to tread carefully and draw her out, but she knew him well enough to know his game. He'd try to get her chatting and feeling safe before pulling the rug out from under her, but she wasn't going to let that happen again.

"Soul searching," she snapped. "I'm lucky, it turns out that I actually have one."

JC cleared his throat. "Okay, I guess I deserved that," he mumbled, trying but failing to keep the hurt out of his voice. Of course he'd expected her to still be angry, and he knew that having this conversation over the phone wasn't the right way, but he was running out of options. He was grasping at straws here. He hoped that even with her anger, she might at least be able to hear him out. To keep things civil.

"No, believe me that's pretty tame for what you deserve. Unfortunately, the distance between us prevents me from hurting you properly."

Perhaps not, JC thought glumly. He should have known better, he told himself as he tried to think of a way of turning the conversation back around in his favour. He knew that Clare could hold a grudge.

JC cleared his throat once again. "I tried to get to the airport to see you. Clare, I really need to talk to you."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"And?"

JC sucked in a breath and released it in a controlled sigh. He was beginning to get annoyed, but he knew that he had to keep it together. He had to keep reminding himself that he'd hurt her and that she was acting completely understandably considering what he'd done to her. Even so, it wasn't easy...

"Come on, don't be like that. Can't we at least talk about this? Can't you just give me an opportunity to explain?"

"To explain why you broke my heart? No, thank you. That's definitely a conversation that I don't need to hear."

"But..."

"Nope! Ding, ding, ding! Time's up! That's my quota of tolerance used up for today. Pass me back to Chris, please."

"Clare..."

"No! You should be grateful I'm even speaking to you, buddy. How dare you—"

"It's me."

"Chris! Why did you give him the phone?" Clare asked angrily. "What kind of friend are you?"

"He wanted to talk to you!" Chris replied, playing the innocent card. "I swear he ripped the phone right out of my hand!"

"Chris!"

"Okay! Calm down! Jeez, he really did a number on you, didn't he! Anyways, what were you callin' for? Other than to have that precious moment with JC I mean..."

Clare decided to be the bigger person and ignore his little jibe. His question had reminded her of her initial agenda, and she tried to rein in her anger after remembering that she needed a favour from him.

"I'm coming back tomorrow," Clare said, fighting back the flutter of butterflies she felt at saying the words aloud.

"Don't tell me, you need someone to pick you up?"

Clare smiled. Great. Now I don't even have to ask.

"You read my mind. Yes, please."

"No problems, I think JC is the only person free tomorrow, so he'll—"

"Chris!"

"Jokin'! I'm only jokin'!" Chris chuckled and even Clare had to fight back a slight giggle. He really was impossible sometimes. "Text me when you're ready and I'll come and get you, 'kay?"

"Okay. Thanks."

~~~~~*~~~~~

Chris glanced across at JC—who was still hovering near his shoulder—as he hung up the phone and flashed him a sheepish grin.

"Well, that went well," he quipped as he eyed his friend carefully. Of course Chris had only heard one half of the conversation, but he'd been able to tell from what he had overheard—and the expression left on JC's face afterwards—that Clare had laid into him pretty badly. "You okay?"

"She'll never forgive me for this..." JC said glumly as he wrung his hands together.

"Forgive you for what?" Chris asked with an edge of frustration in his voice. "Doin' the right thing?" He let out a deep sigh. Already he thought that the tension between JC and Clare had been getting out of hand and had been going on for far too long. They really both needed to just sit down and talk it out, but it seemed that neither of them were any closer to a resolution.

Chris pitied JC. Of course he also understood Clare's feelings, but he sympathised with his band mate’s predicament. The decision JC had been forced to make hadn't been easy, and he'd been prepared to sacrifice an awful lot to stand by his actions. But even so he'd been the one ending up with his feelings hurt.

Chris hadn't been completely shocked to hear that the baby Alyson was carrying wasn't JC's. Finding out had been a surprise, and the way JC had discovered the news had shocked him, but Chris had always had his doubts about Alyson. Sure, looks wise she was exactly the kind of woman he knew that JC liked—dark–haired, tall and curvaceous. But personality wise? No way.

"You were torn between two people, and one was pregnant," Chris reminded JC, somewhat unnecessarily. "You owned up to your responsibilities, man. Not a lot of guys would have done that. For that, at least, you should be proud."

JC let out a bitter laugh and ruefully shook his head. "But the kid wasn't even mine!"

"You didn't know that at the time. You thought it was yours and you were tryin' to do the right thing. Giddy knows that you wouldn't have hurt her intentionally. She's just acting out 'cause she's upset, and she's tryin' to deal with her pain. She just needs time, man. You'll see."

Chris nodded confidently and although he had no doubts that Clare and JC would eventually work it out, he wasn't as confident that it would be any time soon. He knew Clare was an expert at holding grudges, and he could only guess that JC would have to jump through a lot of hoops to get back in her good graces. There was no doubt that she would make him earn her forgiveness.

JC nodded sadly and attempted a smile. "Man, I really hope you're right."

~~~~~*~~~~~