He’d known it was her without looking because he’d given her a special ringtone a matter of weeks ago. It was a terrible polyphonic rendering of Edelweiss, because she’d once told him that she’d been obsessed with the song and The Sound of Music as a kid. He’d liked the way she’d giggled, recalling playing the song over and over on an old record player she’d inherited from her grandmother, and how it had driven her dad crazy.

Usually he smiled when he heard her ringtone play, but last night he’d felt what was akin to a sense of dread. After seven days of complete radio silence, he was more than a little anxious about what she was calling to say. He’d picked up the phone and held it for a moment, not yet flipping it open to answer it. He’d wondered if she’d call him to make it official that they were done; walking out on him the way she had gotten the point across clearly. But maybe she wanted to make sure he understood.

With an exhale, he’d raised the phone to his ear. “Hi,” he said softly. There’d been a brief pause and he heard her intake of breath.

“Hi.”

He’d waited and several seconds ticked by before she spoke again, her words pouring out in one breath. “JC, um...can we talk tomorrow night? Face to face? I have a lot that I want to say to you...if you’re willing to listen.”

Despite the nervous anticipation he felt just from her being on the line, he’d agreed immediately. She’d cut straight to the chase and that surprised him more than anything else.

He looked at the clock; she was due to arrive at his room in the next ten or so minutes. Anxiety had given way to curiosity and he found himself running potential scenarios through his head. Before he knew it, he heard a knock on the other side of his door.

***

Casey raised her hand to the door and stopped. Nervous didn’t begin to touch what she was feeling. She’d called him the previous night and had been surprised when he’d so easily agreed to a face to face conversation. Standing on the other side of his door, she wasn’t sure if she should be alarmed or encouraged by that.

With a shaky exhale, she brought her knuckles to the door and knocked twice in quick succession.

After no more than fives seconds had passed, the door opened and JC stood there staring down at her. He was in usual hotel room uniform: t-shirt and baggy sweats, socked feet. And as usual, she was overwhelmed with how good he looked. The week they’d spent apart suddenly seemed like much longer to her.

Casey looked up at him and tried to decipher the somewhat blank expression he wore; it wasn’t unkind exactly, but his blue eyes were guarded.

“Hi,” she said timidly.

“Hi,” he said, just as reserved. After another moment of the two of them staring at each other he said, “Do you want to come in?”

She pulled her bottom lip between her teeth and nodded. “If you don’t mind.”

He paused for a moment before stepping back to let her through. “Of course I don’t mind, Casey,” he said in a small, semi-aggravated sounding voice. “I never wanted you to go in the first place.”

She deserved that, she knew. She was the one who left after all. And now...now she was back. With what? A piddly apology and a hope that he would accept it and it would make everything better?

“Have a seat,” he said, gesturing toward the couch.

Far away, she noted with some consternation, from the bed. Not that she was in anyway even remotely thinking about sex, but they had a tendency to do a lot of their talking on beds. Side by side, holding hands or touching in some way. And this time...well, he offered her the couch and pulled a chair up opposite the coffee table in front of it. He was clearly, and not at all subtly, keeping physical distance between them.

She was out of her element, again. There she was, for the second time in the same week, being the person to try and patch things up. There she was, sitting in JC’s room because she decided to be mature and to confront the problem head on and address everything with him. And now she had nothing to say. Sitting right in front of him, there were literally no words. And what the hell was that all about? She was never without words. Even at times when she probably needed to be silent, she had something to say.

It had been easier with Amber, mostly because Amber was so obviously happy to see her, and willing to meet her halfway. But JC just sat quietly in his chair, on the other side of the table which, she reasoned, may as well have been on the other side of the room, left ankle resting on right knee, right arm casually draped across the back of the chair, left arm resting in his lap. Content, or so it appeared, to let her take the lead. His entire posture was relaxed and yet, in addition to the physical distance between them, she sensed a certain amount of emotional distance as well. But his expression was mild, possibly slightly interested, but only in a vague, not overly concerned or excited sort of way.

There was something behind those blue eyes. She had spent enough time over the past several months looking at them, to know that he hid a whole lot beneath their placid surface. But she had no idea what it was. There was a kind of calm expectancy in his entire stance, as if he were waiting for her to say something. And she figured that made sense since she had knocked on his door and was now sitting across from him, staring dumbly. She cleared her throat.

“I, um…” She closed her eyes and smiled self-consciously. The truth was probably the best way to begin. “I don’t know what I’m doing here, JC.” She looked up at him.

He pursed his lips and shrugged slightly. “You can leave again, if you want.”

Well, damn. He was not going to make this easy, was he? She shook her head quickly. “No. That’s not what I mean. I…” She rubbed her palms on her jeans and stood up. She always thought better in motion. Her mother hated it, her tendency to pace while talking. But right now, the only way the words were going to come out was if she was moving.

“I don’t know how to do this because I usually don’t. Like, come back and apologize and…”

This shit was not coming out the way she wanted it to. She peeked at him and he still sat the same way, now right leg jigging up and down lightly. But his expression hadn’t changed, still held only mild curiosity.

She walked back and forth. “I’m not ashamed of you, JC. In any way. OK? Not at all. Not even a little bit. And I’m sorry that I made you feel like I am. This is…” She rubbed her hands over eyes, still pacing. “I know I’ve been...weird. And you’ve been...amazing. You’re always patient and sweet and just…”

Casey groaned. “You’re one of the kindest, most generous people I’ve ever met in my entire life. And you’re just this genuinely good person with a kind soul in an industry where so many people are just, well...assholes. And you’re the same with everyone. I mean it’s not just me; I’ve watched you with your fans, and it doesn’t matter if it’s three o’clock in the morning and you’ve had no sleep, you’re just so unbelievably nice and I just…” She trailed off, knowing that she wasn’t getting to the point of what she wanted to say. Her words were pouring out in a disjointed tumble and she just hoped he could understand what she was trying to say.

It was a wonder, she had marveled on a number of occasion, how she managed to convey her feelings lyrically, because trying to talk it out was an absolute mess. She was not, however, going to look at him, not once, while she was talking. Because then, she knew, she may lose her nerve and hightail it out of there and lose whatever slim chance she had to fix things.

“It’s not you, JC; it’s me. And I know that sounds like so much cliche bullshit, but it’s true. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. There is absolutely nothing wrong, for me, about being with you. I love being with you. In every way. And I would...I would love to be with you...publicly. And not care what anyone else thinks or says. But...it’s not that simple and--”

“Casey.”

He spoke so quietly, and she was pacing so mindlessly and speaking so rapidly that she almost didn’t hear him. She whirled around to face him. He was no longer leaning back in the chair; both feet were planted on the floor and he was sitting on the edge of his seat with his chin propped in his hand.

She was moving nonstop, from one end of the relatively small room to the other. Back and forth, from one wall, turn, and back again to the next. And as she walked, she twisted her ring furiously.

"Y-yes.” She stopped, eyes wide, again wondering what he was thinking.

His face had the ghost of a smile on it, and his eyes were sparkling, but narrowed.

“You’re making me dizzy,” he said with barely concealed amusement in his voice.

“Huh?” Her face twisted in confusion. “Oh. The pacing.”

He nodded. “Yeah. The pacing.”

“It drives my mom crazy.” She shrugged and laughed nervously.

“Yeah,” he said with a smile, “I can understand why.” He stood up and held out his hand. “Come here. Please.”

She stared at his hand for a moment, almost as if she were afraid of what it was going to do to her. But she approached it, approached him, gingerly. She took his hand and he led her back over to the couch, where he sat down and pulled her down next to him.

“This’ll be easier if I’m moving,” she said with a one shoulder shrug.

“Why?” he asked, still with that slight, almost not quite there, smile on his face. And that barely withheld laughter in his voice.

“I don’t know,” she said quietly. “But it is.”

“I missed you,” he said, still holding on to her hand.

He was looking at her in a way that made her heart light, because his forgiveness was so clearly on his face. But she almost didn’t trust it, because it seemed too easy. Because she hadn’t even yet uttered the words ‘I’m sorry’ so she didn’t see how he could possibly already be so ready to accept her apology.

She stared at him, blinking in confusion. “Huh?”

“I said,” he began again, cradling her face in both of his hands. “I. Missed. You.” Much to her very obvious surprise, his lips brushed against hers lightly. “I thought it would get better after the first night, trying to sleep without you there, but it didn’t. It sucked. I barely slept all week.”

She sighed. “I missed you, too.”

He kissed her again, lingering much longer. He could feel her body relaxing beneath his fingers and he smiled against her lips. After pulling away he rested his forehead against hers. “So...what were you rambling about?”

Her jaw dropped slightly. “I was trying to tell you that...I’m sorry.”

“Uh huh,” he replied softly, fingers still gently cradling her cheeks. “For what?”

“Do you want a list?” She shook her head. “For the radio show. For the complete freak out over the pictures. For…” She groaned a little. “For not being honest with you about...why.”

He leaned in and kissed the top of her forehead before sitting back up to look at her seriously. “So you’re going to tell me the truth about what’s been going on with you?”

Casey frowned and wrapped her arms around herself. “Before I tell you that, I just want you to know something, OK? Everything you said, everything about how you feel about me and what you want, I feel the same way. I want to be with you, too. No hiding, no lying to nosy DJ’s.” She relaxed a bit when he cracked a smile. “But there’s stuff you need to know, JC. And when you know it, you may feel differently. About being with me.”

He moved in close to her, until their noses were touching. “I wanted to call you every single night that we weren’t talking. I kept pulling up your phone number up on my phone and I’d be all ready to press send. I did it like ten times a day.” He traced her lips with his thumb. “I wanted to so badly, but I already knew how I felt about you. That I wanted to be with you no matter what. And what I needed to know was that you felt the same way about me. And I needed you to be ready to tell me.”

Casey’s head creased in confusion as she tried to make sense of what he was saying.

As if reading her thoughts, JC continued. “You showed up. I know how hard that is for you, and what that means for me is that I know that you want to be with me just as much as I want to be with you. And as long as that’s true, whatever else you have to tell me doesn’t matter.”

At first his lips were a whisper against hers, a barely-there brush of skin against skin. But he pulled her closer, and pressed his mouth tighter to hers. When his tongue slipped past her lips to caress hers gently, she moaned and abruptly pulled away.

With her own chest heaving she placed her hand against his. “Maybe you should hear me out first.”

He took hold of her hand and tried to pull her back to him. “Case, there’s nothing you can say--”

“JC, wait--”

“I know how I feel--”

I'm trying to tell you something," she protested with more than a bit of a whine.

"Yeah, I know. You're telling me that you want to be with me but you're afraid of what people will say, right?"

She nodded and sighed. "Well, yes. But--”

"And I," he interrupted slowly, rubbing one thumb up and down her cheek, "am saying fuck people."

Again her jaw dropped and he laughed at her expression. "JC," she said sternly, "you don't say things like that."

"I know," he said with a grin. "But you do, though. You must be rubbing off on me."

She frowned. "In the worst possible way, apparently."

He traced the outline of her jaw with one fingertip. “So some of my fans will be upset that we’re together; so what?”

Her expression was wistful as she gazed down in her lap. “More than just your fans, ‘C.”

“Listen, I know some stuff’s been going on for you, OK? That’s been obvious. And I really do want you to tell me what it is, but I don’t want you to worry about how I’m going to react to it. I’m not going anywhere, Casey. I promise.”

When he wrapped his arms back around her she rested her head against his chest for a moment. He felt good and solid, and leaning on him, being with him that way felt, well, right. And she knew how silly it sounded, but it was the truth. Being back in his arms felt good. And she hoped he would still want her there when she finished telling him what she had to say.

Casey inhaled deeply and sat back up and away from him, nervously pulling the hood of her sweatshirt over her head. She kicked her shoes off and pulled her feet up, wrapping her arms around her bent legs. Resting her chin on her knees, she breathed slowly, trying to stop the shakes that were beginning again.

The wave of nausea she felt every time she thought about the book hit her again but she inhaled deeply, trying to breathe through it. The couch moved as JC shifted closer to her.

“So tell me,” he urged. “It’s got something to do with Tony, right?” She blinked in surprise and he shrugged. “I figured. Plus I heard you and Dara talking about him backstage one night.”

She grimaced. “Nothing stays secret on tour, huh?” She looked up at him and immediately dropped her eyes when they met his. He was looking at her that way he always did. With so much concern and compassion and...well, love. She was pretty sure she saw love there, even if neither of them had said it.

With a deep breath she began talking. “It started in Chicago. When he showed up at Sam Goody I could never shake the feeling that he was planning something. He was way too smug. Right after that, a couple of weeks maybe, Dara told me that someone at the label got wind of a book he was supposedly writing. Like a, I don’t know, behind-the-scenes of the industry type thing. With a heavy focus on the time he worked with me.”

When she started twisting her thumb ring, JC took hold of both of her hands in his and nodded for her to continue.

“That night we, um, ran into Tony,” she smiled wryly knowing that wasn’t an accurate description of what had happened, “earlier that morning I had, um, gotten some mail. You were doing an interview, I think. It was couriered directly to me at the hotel, which should’ve been a red flag, but I, um…” She exhaled shakily and felt the sting of tears in her eyes.

“I wasn’t thinking about it. And so I wasn’t like, prepared when I realized it was his book.” She closed her eyes, quickly pulling one of her hands away from JC. She held her hand over her face to cover the tears that were beginning to slide down her cheeks.

JC didn’t speak, but she was comforted by the feeling of her other hand being held between both of his. When she was sure she could continue, she wiped her eyes and took a deep breath. “It’s not a behind-the-scenes look at anything. It’s basically...it’s trash about me. And him. When we were together.

“The thing is, it’s mostly bullshit.” Her voice was quiet but emphatic. “There’s so much stuff in there that’s just fabricated garbage. Stuff he says I did with him...stuff he says I did with other people. But, there’s just enough truth in there that…”

She looked up at JC to see him still watching her intently, his brow creased in concern and concentration. She made a face and let out a long breath. “Tony and I started as a...kind of a hook-up,” she said in quiet voice. “And he makes the case that it’s a pattern for me. And considering you and me and that night with the ice…” She shrugged. “He’s not exactly wrong.”

“Casey,” JC began.

“If it gets published,” she interrupted, pretending like she didn’t hear him, “people are going to think things about me. And most of those things won’t be true, but it won’t matter. Because you know how people are. And even though Tony says I was hooking up with Justin, if people know you and I are together, well...it’ll be like he said that night. Right idea, wrong member of *NSYNC. He used to tell me that no one would take me seriously if they thought I was a hoe; he was right, probably. And if his book gets out, people will most definitely think I’m a hoe.”

She stopped talking, not really sure of what else to say. Her cheeks were wet with tears, and with her free hand she wiped them away again. At least, she thought somewhat wryly, she hadn’t completely fallen apart.

She peeked to see him sitting there quietly, just staring back at her in what appeared to be confusion, his eyes were slightly narrowed. She wondered if he’d ask her for details, but a minute passed and the only sound was the dull hum of the air conditioner in the room.

The longer the silence stretched between them, the more heavily her heart beat in her chest. She could only imagine what was running through his mind.

“Say something, please?” She sniffed again, and dared to look at him. “I know I should’ve told you everything a long time ago. I guess I just hoped it would go away.”

He blinked several times and cleared his throat. “He wrote a book about you,” he repeated very slowly, his voice almost eerily low. “A...trashy tell-all.” He almost spat the words and Casey grimaced.

“Um, y-yeah. Yes.” He was quiet again and her stomach tightened in discomfort. “I’m sorry, JC,” she whispered.

“You’re sorry?” His voice boomed and she jumped in surprise. “That fucker wrote a piece of shit book about you, after talking shit about you on the radio, after...basically stalking you and you’re sorry?” He stood up and rubbed furiously at the back of his neck. “I could kill him, Casey,” he sputtered angrily.

She blinked several times, watching as he paced. She’d tried to picture his reaction several times, and while a few scenarios didn’t have him running out on her, she never once imagined him being angry on her behalf. She opened her mouth to speak but JC wasn’t paying any attention.

“It’s not legal, is it? This can’t be legal,” he muttered, seemingly to himself. “You have a lawyer, don’t you?” He glanced over at her but continued before she could respond. “It doesn’t matter. We’ll find a lawyer--the best lawyer. We’ll get a gag order until we--”

“Whoa, JC.” She stood up and walked over to him. “Calm down. Dara says--”

“No!” He whirled toward her, eyes blazing hotly. “I sure the hell won’t calm down! That asshole just...he’s the biggest...fuck!”

She’d never seen him so angry and although she hated to be part of the reason for it, she was deeply touched that he felt so strongly on her account. She placed her hands on his chest and could feel his heart racing beneath her palms. “Hey. Look at me.”

He stopped moving and looked down at her, his breath coming in furious pants. “He keeps fucking with you, and it’s just… It pisses me off.” He blew out a breath. “I could cut off his dick and feed it to him.”

“JC!” she exclaimed in shock. That was decidedly not the reaction, or language, she’d ever expected from him.

“Sorry,” he muttered, not looking or sounding the slightest bit contrite. “He’d deserve it though,” he finished sullenly. “After everything he’s already done to you, this is bullshit, Case. You don’t treat a woman like that. You don’t put her personal business out in the street like that. Never. I don’t care what happened between the two of you. And in your case, you haven’t done dick to him, Casey. And he keeps…”

She hooked her fingers into his belt loops and pulled him closer. Reaching up to his face, she tilted his head down to look at her. “Thank you.” She stood on her tiptoes and kissed him softly. “For having my back in the most violently extreme way.”

He slid his arms around her and rested his chin atop her head. “Why didn’t you tell me, Casey? I know I couldn’t have done much, but…I hate that you’ve been walking around for the past few weeks carrying all of this by yourself.”

She closed her eyes and breathed him in, once again feeling a sense of peace just by being with him. “I didn’t want you to know. I hoped that everything would blow over and I’d never have to tell you. That you’d never have to think of me...that way.”

“I don’t care what he says in his stupid, fucking book.” He pulled away just enough to take her by the shoulders and look at her steadily. “There’s nothing anyone could tell me about you--especially not that sonofabitch--that changes how I feel, OK? Nothing, Casey.”

She sniffed again, feeling the tears coming back for a completely different reason. “Also, I kept thinking about you and AnaBeth. In the hallway.”

“Casey. I don’t want her; you know that, right?” JC sighed and pulled her back into a hug.

She nodded against his chest and wrapped her arms around his waist. “I know you said that--”

“I meant that,” he interrupted forcefully.

“And I believe you,” she acknowledged, “but I still kept seeing her. And her perfect face. And her perfect body. And I couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that you guys were together, looking like the perfect couple, for a long time. And she doesn’t have any ex-boyfriends writing books about how much she liked to get down in public places.” Casey tilted her head back to look him in the eye. “Which isn’t true, by the way.”

Groaning, he slid his hands up her arms until he was holding her face between his palms. “First of all, AnaBeth isn’t as perfect as she likes everyone to think she is, but it doesn’t matter because she’s a non-factor. She asked me, in the hallway, if I was serious about you. I told her yes.”

She blinked quickly, trying stop the tears before they started spilling. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’m kind of a mess, JC.”

“You’re certifiable.” He smiled lightly and brushed his lips across her forehead.

With a sniffle, Casey hugged him again. “Thank you.”

He pulled her back into his arms and kissed the top of her head. “You don’t have to thank me. Anything I can do, I will. Anything you want me to do, I will. I want you to know that.” He grunted again. “We should’ve let you hit him again that night.  We should’ve helped.”

She turned her face into his chest so her voice was muffled. “There’s one thing…”

“Hmm,” he said absently. He rested his chin on the top of her head and rubbed her back.

“Um, if it happens to come out--the book I mean--please don’t read it.”

Everything about the way she’d fallen apart that night came back to him, and he felt an anger bordering on rage flare up. “I can promise you that.” He shuddered. “But it’s not going to come out, honey.”

She nodded against him. “That’s what Dara says. I hope you’re both right. She and Jeff--he’s my lawyer--they’re handling it. It’s just that…” She sighed heavily. “They want to get a restraining order against him ‘cause they say it’ll help in the overall case to stop the book from getting published. But I’d have to testify about why he isn’t on the tour anymore. And I don’t think I want to do that.”

“Why not?” he asked. “What happened in that room that’s so bad you won’t talk about it, Case? I mean, maybe if you get it out he won’t hold so much...emotional power over you anymore.”

She rubbed one hand over her face and used the other to pull him. “Let’s sit down, OK? I know you’ve wanted to know what happened in the hotel room that day, and while I’m telling all of my secrets, I may as well tell you this one too.”

He nodded, and let her lead him past the couch and over to the bed.