Guilt.

Guilt pressed down on Charlie’s chest.  It was stifling and suffocating.  At times, she had to remind herself to breath.  The guilt was like an oppressive heat strangling her.  Why hadn’t she just been up front and honest with him from the beginning?

The truth was, she hadn’t been honest with anyone, even herself, in a long time.  She didn’t think her ‘friendship’ with JC was going to last as long as it had where she would feel this guilt.  The longer she hid her true identity, the worse the lie became.  Her only reprieve was that he had gone home almost a month ago.

The day after they returned to Cannon Beach from their Seattle trip, JC headed back to LA.  Work was lining up for him and he needed to get back into the swing of things.  Charlie was sad to see him go but didn’t show it.  She didn’t want to appear upset or needy.  It was a good thing he had left.

While he may have thought she hadn’t noticed, Charlie was well aware how turned on JC had been after the charity event.  She had been just as turned on but it was much less evident.  It was the raging guilt inside of her that stopped her from sleeping with him that night.  Once they slept together, there would be no turning back.  She either needed to come clean to him or figure a way to shut him out.

True to his word, JC called and texted Charlie regularly.  He wasn’t making it easy for her to forget about him.  At times, she wished he was more occupied with work so he’d have less time to contact her.  What did he see in her that kept him coming back?  What was she not seeing in herself?

Charlie was also true to her word that if she needed to talk so she wouldn’t cut, she called JC.  There had only been a few times that she had gotten that tight twist of anxiety in her chest that burned with need.  She tried to talk herself out of calling him but each of those times, she found herself dialing his number.  Each time, he managed to calm her anxiety.  She knew this wasn’t going to be possible for very long.  She needed to figure out a way to deal with this on her own or she would fall back into old patterns.

Now, on what would have been the eve of her twelfth wedding anniversary, Charlie was watching her wedding video and flipping through her wedding album.  She had this sick and twisted ritual of pulling out these things each year and torturing herself.  She missed the happy feelings of that day.  She wanted to feel them again.  Like a drug, she came back to these memories every year but the ‘high’ was never the same.

Nothing seemed to numb the pain of her divorce.  She was publicly ridiculed and her name dragged through the mud.  She had hurt Major League Baseball’s golden boy, Owen Peterson.  If they only knew what he could be like behind closed doors.  They had been in love once and it was epic.  Owen was it for Charlie.  Sure they married young; she was only twenty and he was twenty two but she thought she found the one.

Charlie ran her fingers over the photo in front of her.  They both looked so happy.  She thought back to standing in front of all the people they loved; both of their families, their high school friends, his college friends, every person that meant something to them was there.

When Charlie was eleven, her mother moved her and her sister from their home in Arizona across the country to Iowa, running away from a bad relationship.  For nearly the entire time Charlie lived in Iowa, she hated it.  She was away from her grandmother and she rebelled in the hopes that her mother would send her back to live with her grandparents.

One of the few bright spots of living in Iowa was that she met Owen.  He was a grade ahead of her but they lived a few houses from each other so they saw each other regularly.  The funny thing was, they never dated the five years she lived there.  They had some mutual friends but didn’t hang in the same groups at school.  Owen hung out with the baseball jocks and Charlie hopped between the football jocks, the swim team, and the band and choir groups.

The two had a few classes together in high school.  They chatted but nothing too serious.  It wasn’t until about six months after he graduated and went off to college in Miami that they started dating.  She had moved back to Arizona when she was sixteen.  One of her friends from Iowa, that graduated at the same time as Owen, followed her when she moved.  Owen contacted Charlie’s friend and put them in touch with each other.

Over the nearly four years they dated before getting married, there were a lot of back and forth trips between Miami and Phoenix to see each other.  On one of her trips out to visit him, he proposed on stage at a Billy Joel/Elton John concert.  They managed to make a long distance relationship work until he graduated from college.  Charlie figured if they could survive that, they could survive anything.

The summer of 2002, Owen was part of the MLB Draft.  Him and Charlie got married in November of 2002.  Just a few months later, he got the call that the Boston Red Sox wanted to sign him to a multi-year, multi-million dollar contract.  Those first eight years of their marriage were great.  One fateful night changed it all.

Charlie slammed the photo album closed in frustration.  She cursed herself for reliving the memories.  She couldn’t seem to pull herself out of the past.  At the rate she was going, she would be suffering the rest of her life and it would be her own fault.  She glanced up at the TV on the opposite side of the living room from her.  She watched herself and Owen dancing their first dance.  She powered off the TV when the nausea hit her.

Charlie needed to get out of the house and get her mind off Owen.

***

There weren’t many places Charlie could go locally that would occupy her time.  The town was pretty sleepy this time of year.  Portland was only an hour and halfs drive but she wasn’t in the mood for a long drive.  She opted instead for slowly browsing through the grocery store to kill time.  

Charlie had picked up a few items that were now resting in her cart.  She was blankly scanning the deli counter when her phone began ringing, the caller ID showing her it was JC.  

“Hey, Josh.  How’s it going?”

“Hey, sexy.  What are you wearing?”  Charlie was stunned at first upon hearing JC’s question in a deep, throaty breath.  She glanced at the phone before bringing it back to her ear.

“Someone is feisty today.  You must have dialed the wrong person.”  His sexy chuckle shot a chill up the middle of her spine.

“Oh no, honey.  I definitely meant to call you.  You didn’t answer my questions.”

“Well sorry to disappoint you, cupcake, but you caught me on laundry day.  I’m in a mumu.”  Charlie balanced the phone between her shoulder and ear as she reached for a box on a high shelf.  JC’s hearty laugh rang through the phone.

“I’m sure you still make that mumu look good.  So other than laundry, what are you up to today?”

“I’m currently at the grocery store picking up a few things.  Headed back home soon.”

“I hope you have more than soup and hummus in your cart.”  Charlie glanced down at the few items in the bottom of her cart.  Sure enough, soup and hummus were the primary items.  JC was becoming to know her pretty well.  Maybe too well.

“I have a few other things as well.  Calm down.”  She pushed her cart past the dairy coolers, grabbing a carton of milk before heading to the produce section.  “What trouble are you getting into today?”

“I just finished up lunch.  I’m in the car driving.  Thought I’d see how you were doing.”

“Well that’s sweet of you to check on me but I’m a big girl.  Besides, you texted me this morning and I told you I was fine.”

“I know but I wanted to hear your voice.  Is that a crime?”  His words weren’t harsh but stated very matter of fact.  This wasn’t helping her figure out how to let him off the hook.  He showed a genuine interest in her and she was being frigid.  Her acute sense of self-awareness wouldn’t allow her to forget that.

“No, it’s not.  I’m sorry, Josh.  I’m glad you called.  It’s good to hear your voice.  Tell me how work has been going.”  JC went into a brief ramble, telling her about the new up and coming artist that he had been working with in addition to other producing jobs.

“And, kinda random but I got call from my manager telling me about a movie that is going to be shooting after Thanksgiving and they have a part for me.”  There was an excitement in his voice.

“That’s great news!  Have you read the script yet?”

“Eric is couriering it over to me.  By the way, what are you doing for the holiday next week?”  Charlie hesitated.  She hadn’t really celebrated any holidays since moving to Oregon.

“The bar is closed but I work a double at the hotel so everyone else can spend the day with their families.  I take the dogs with to keep me company.  It’s rare but there have been a few times we’ve had people pass through needing a room.  It should be pretty quiet.  Maggie from the diner usually drops off a plate of food to me.”  There was a long silence on JC’s end.  For a moment, Charlie thought she lost the call.

“So, you spend it alone working?  You don’t spend the day with anyone other than a random stranger who may pass through?”  When he said it out loud, it sounded pretty pitiful to her.

“Someone has to cover the desk.  Might as well be the one with no family in the area to visit.”  Charlie picked up a red delicious apple and smelled it.

“Don’t get red, green’s better.  When was the last time you spent a holiday with someone?”  She was taken back by the comment that preceded his question.  She placed the apple down and turned to pick up a green one when a movement caught her eye.  She found JC leaning against a display of bananas, his phone to his ear, and a single red rose in his hand.

Charlie nearly knocked over the pile of apples in front of her from the shock of seeing JC.  She didn’t think she would be so happy to see him again in person.  This really wasn’t helping her quest to shut him out.  He walked purposefully towards her, moving around the produce displays.  He stopped just a step away from her, both of them still with their phones to their ears.

“You told me you were wearing a mumu.”  That devilish grin crept across his face as his eyes grazed suggestively up her body, taking in her usual jeans and sweater.

“You didn’t tell me you were coming to town.”  Charlie ended their call on her phone, setting it in her purse.  JC followed suit, slipping his phone into his pocket.  He offered the rose to her which she accepted.  She barely had a chance to smell it before his lips were pressed against hers, he cradled her head as he deepened the pressure.  She did love the feeling of his lips on hers.  Her hands rested on his biceps to steady herself when his tongue grazed her bottom lip.  She was really enjoying this way too much.

Charlie shifted her hands to rest on JC’s waist, pulling him closer.  He smiled against her lips, enjoying that she was reciprocating.  He finally broke the contact to look her in the eyes.

“I didn’t realized how much I missed you until I saw you.”  He nudged his nose with hers.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming in?  You just keep showing up.”

“I like the surprise on your face when I drop in on you.”  He went in for another kiss, this time using his hips to press her body against the display of apples behind her.  She pushed him back slightly.

“I don’t think the owner would appreciate you bending me over and taking me on his apple display.”  A bolt of electricity shot through JC’s groin at Charlie’s mention of bending her over.  He leaned in close to her ear, his tongue peeking out to flick her earlobe.

“Don’t tempt me.”  His voice was husky which caused her to shudder slightly.

“Whoa there tiger.  You really are feeling frisky today.  And quite handsy as well.”  JC had slipped his hands under the hem of her sweater at her waist.  The skin to skin contact was turning Charlie on.  “If you’re this handsy with your friends, I can only imagine what you’re like with someone you’re dating.”

“Do you wanna find out?”  She was stunned silent.  This was the most forward that he had been with her.  Her eyes moved quickly back and forth, looking for some sign that he was kidding.  His face was serious.  “Are you actually gonna make me say it?”

“Say what?”  JC laughed and Charlie felt embarrassed.  She knew what he meant but something inside of her needed verbal confirmation.  The end of her marriage had left her with a deep insecurity about dating.  

“You are going to make me say it.  I feel like a fifteen year old telling his crush that he likes her.  Okay.  I like you Charlie and I wanna date you.”  Again, she was looking back and forth between his eyes waiting for a sign he was joking.

“Why?”  JC’s head dropped to her shoulder.  He had a feeling that she would be apprehensive.

“I think my actions have been pretty clear that I like you.  I like spending time with you.  We have a connection and I want to see where things go.”  His breath warm on Charlie’s neck was making her tingly.  “I’m not trying to rush you to get you to sleep with me but I’m not gonna lie and say that I don’t want to.”  Wow, was he laying all out there for her.  

Charlie figured JC was a pretty sexual person.  All of his kisses and touches were proof.  Hell, she had listened to his solo album.  Damn near the whole thing screamed sex.  She was by no means a prude but she too felt the connection with him and feared her past would break that connection.  Sex would complicate it.  She had to tell him.  She needed to tell him everything before this got out of hand.

“Josh, I--”  JC pushed his index and middle finger against her lips to quiet her.  He saw a fear stirring in eyes.

“Like I said, I am not trying to rush you.  I want you to know how I feel.  I want you to think about it.  I’m here until Monday.  There’s no pressure.  We’ll spend the next four days together and just see how things play out.”  He placed a succession of light kisses up her neck before meeting her eyes again.  “We good?”

“We’re good.”  Charlie laced her fingers with JC’s as they moved through the grocery store.

“Good.  Now we need to get something other than soup and hummus for dinner tonight.  Also, you and I are spending the day tomorrow in Portland so clear your schedule.”  He gave her a sexy wink before walking ahead of her to check out the meat counter.

Charlie smiled at the man before her.  How did she get so lucky?  She promised herself she would talk to him this weekend and tell him everything.  JC needed to know before he got in too deep.

***

“Are you going to tell me what we’re doing today in Portland?  Anything specific?”  JC had woken Charlie up earlier than she expected so she was a bit cranky.

“We’re gonna see what kind of trouble we can get into today.  No real agenda.  Just something different than Cannon Beach.”  He had tasked her with driving while he was feverishly texting away on his phone.

“I’m gonna warn you now.  I tend to have a mild case of road rage when I hit traffic in Portland so don’t be surprised if expletives start flying.”  JC cocked an eyebrow at Charlie.

“Really?  Have you ever seen LA traffic?  If you road rage in Portland, you’d probably murder someone in LA.”  He returned back to cell phone.

“I’ve driven in worse traffic than Portland but these last few years in Cannon Beach have spoiled me, making my road rage worse.”  She shot him a toothy grin.

The drive into Portland was pretty smooth.  They got into some rush hour traffic but nothing that sparked too much road rage in Charlie.  They decided to take advantage of the warmer and drier than usual November day, opting to go to the Portland Zoo.  Since it was a Thursday, there were very few visitors; they enjoyed exploring leisurely.

They found a small brewery downtown to have lunch after the zoo.  They were sitting among the men and women in business suits on their lunch breaks from the tall buildings surrounding the restaurant.  Charlie recalled when she used to be one of the 9 to 5 crowd.  Truthfully, she missed it sometimes.

“Good Afternoon, I’m Amy.  I’ll be taking care of--  Oh my!”  The waitress there to take their order recognized JC.  She looked to be about Charlie’s age.  JC smiled politely at the woman.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude.  What can I get you two to drink?”  The waitress shifted nervously as they gave her their drink order and scurried away quickly.

“You have quite the affect on women don’t you?”  Charlie grinned.  JC reached across the table and grasped her hand.

“The only woman I’m concerned about affecting right now is you.”  He lifted her hand from across the small table, placing a kiss across her knuckles.  The waitress returned quickly with their drinks.  She froze for a moment when she saw their interlocked hands.  Charlie pulled back as their drinks were placed in front of them.

Lunch was nice.  They chatted comfortably as they ate.  Their waitress checked on them periodically, typically addressing JC when she arrived at the table.  This amused Charlie because JC really paid the woman no attention.  Charlie excused herself to use the restroom when they finished eating.

“Here’s your check.  I hope you enjoyed your meal with us.”  The waitress smiled nervously at JC.  He placed his credit card on top the check.

“We did, thank you.”  The waitress was back with his receipt and credit card it seemed within seconds.  

“Would you mind if I asked for an autograph?”  JC gave her a tight lipped smile.

“Sure.”  After signing for their meal, he signed the back of their check for her.

“Thank you so much.  I really appreciate it.  I’m a big fan.  Wait, are you in town for--”  JC caught a glimpse of Charlie walking through the maze of table, returning from the restroom.  He looked up at the waitress and placed his index finger against his lips, motioning for the waitress to hush.

Charlie looked between JC and the waitress at their faces as though they had been caught in the middle of something.

“Everything okay?”  Charlie moved to retake her seat but JC stood and grabbed her hand.

“Yeah, everything’s good.  We’re ready to go, bill’s paid.”  He guided her to the door, his hand on the small of her back.  They began walking the nearly one block trek to her truck, pinky’s linked together.

“She was into you, hardcore!”  Charlie tried to stifle her laughter.  JC rolled his eyes, pulling her closer to place his arm around her shoulders.  He rested his lips against her temple as they walked.

“So glad you’re amused.  She was being a bitch and lucky she got a tip.  Damn rude of her not to acknowledge you.”

“She was starstruck.  I know that’s not the first time that’s happened to you.”  She fished her keys out of her coat pocket as they neared the vehicle.  He pulled her in for a slow kiss.

“She was rude to the woman I like.  I don’t care if she was starstruck.  By the way, I’m driving.”  He quickly pecked her lips one more time before plucking her keys away.  They loaded in and merged into downtown traffic.

“Just go easy on my truck.  You break it, you bought it, handsome.  So, where to next?”  Charlie waited for a response but JC was busy fiddling with his cell phone while half paying attention to driving.  “How about you not kill us and tell me where we’re going?  I’ll tell you how to get where you want to go.”

“It’s a surprise and I know how to get where we’re going.”  He smiled slyly as they headed Northeast out of downtown.

“I thought there was no agenda for today.  What are you up to?”  She eyed him curiously.

“Don’t you worry your pretty little head, honey.”  They crossed the Willamette River and the basketball arena came into view.  Charlie noticed an increase in traffic around the arena.  It was still too early in the day for there to be a basketball game and truthfully she really wasn’t a basketball fan.

JC navigated the vehicle around the arena to a security-manned gate.  He caught sight of a large group of women loitering around and feared there might be a scene.  He pulled his hat lower over his face as he rolled down the window when the guard approached.

“Can I help you, sir?”

“A friend is expecting me.  Chasez is the last name.”  JC handed the man his ID when he whispered his last name.  The guard quickly scanned the ID and a clipboard in his hand.  He passed the ID back through the window.

“You better pull in quickly so these crazies don’t mob you.”  The gate opened before them, a few additional guards stepping out to hold back the crowd.  JC pulled the truck through and was led where to park.  Charlie had seen a few of the homemade t-shirts some of the girls around the gate were wearing.  She turned to face him when he parked.

“You keep springing your NSYNC buddies on me.  Did you coordinate your visit to come see me with Justin’s tour stopping in Portland?”   

“I don’t need my friend’s tour as an excuse to come see you.  It’s coincidence that the first stop of the last leg of his tour is here.  I just found out about it being here after I flew in yesterday.”

JC exited the vehicle, rounding it, he opened Charlie’s door and assisting her out.  As they walked the secured lot of the arena hand in hand towards a backdoor, a chorus of screams and cheers sounded from the crowd at the gate.  Some of the women were yelling JC’s name, causing a louder roar.  He waved to the crowd, the scream decibels increasing.  Charlie kept her head down to shield her face.

They disappeared behind a large truck that was being unloaded of equipment.  At the backdoor, they were greeted by a large bodyguard.

“Holy shit, C!  How are you man?”  JC and the beefy guard clasped hands, briefly hugging.

“Big E, man you are still following J’s punk ass around?”

“Not much longer.  I’m too old for this shit.  This is my last rodeo with the kid.”  Charlie watched the interaction of the two men quietly.  The guard smiled politely at her.  “And who’s the lovely lady?”  JC pulled her close.

“This is Charlie.  Charlie, this is Eric.  We call him Big E.  He’s been watching Justin’s butt since the NSYNC days.”

“Seventeen years I’ve been with this brat.  It’s a pleasure to meet you, Charlie.”  Big E shook Charlie’s hand.

“You too.”

“J here yet?”  JC noticed what appeared to be Justin’s tour bus parked close by.

“Not yet.  He’s enroute from the hotel right now.  Should be here in about fifteen.  He asked I meet you guys.  You’ll need these.”  He handed them VIP passes that they placed around their necks.  He pulled the door open allowing them to pass.  “I’m gonna hang out here until he gets here.  Feel free to wander around.  I’ll catch up with y’all in a bit.”

JC and Charlie moved through a series of hallways.  Crew members moved hastily around getting everything prepped for the show.  JC introduced Charlie to people he recognized, stating Justin still employed crew members from when the group toured.  She liked watching him chat animatedly with his old friends.

It appeared that a majority of the stage was already constructed.  Screens and lighting were being tested.  JC guided Charlie up onto the main stage area.  She stood on the edge, facing where the audience would be in a handful of hours, in awe of everything going on around her.  This was all familiar to JC but he liked watching Charlie experience it.  He felt like he was experiencing it again through her eyes.

“Pretty amazing, isn’t it?”  His arms circled around her waist, pulling her back flush against his chest.  She was looking up at all the lighting being moved into place in amazement.

“I don’t know if amazing can truly describe it.  This is insane.”  He chuckled against her neck as he was placing small kisses along the collar of her sweater.

“Imagine when it’s full of fifteen thousand screaming fans.  That’s insane.”  Charlie had been looking down at the arena floor, which was about ten feet below where they stood, when she turned slightly to face JC.

“Do you miss it?”

“I miss the performing and the traveling.  I miss seeing the fans faces when they sing your songs back to you.  I don’t miss the treacherous schedule that kept me away from my loved ones and had me miss out on a quiet life.  I busted my ass, sacrificed, and followed my dreams.  I’m glad I experienced it but I’m grateful I don’t live in the middle of chaos anymore.  I’m financially comfortable and I make music on my terms.”

Charlie liked the open, uninhibited honesty that JC shared with her.  It made her guilt in her own dishonesty start to bubble in her chest.  She kissed his lips in the hopes of quelling some of the guilt.  She just wanted to enjoy the moment.

“No scamming for ass on my stage, man.”  JC and Charlie broke their kiss, turning to face the voice that joined them on stage.  A smiling Justin Timberlake stood before them, dressed as though he had been lounging around all day.

“I don’t need your stage to scam for ass.”  The two men shared a manly hug.

“Josh has to do better than a Justin Timberlake concert if he’s hoping for a piece of ass out of me.”

“Darlin’, you’d be surprised how many men get lucky because of my concerts.”  Justin smiled his megawatt pearly whites at Charlie.  His eyes ran over her body in much the same way Joey’s had when she met him.  “You must be Charlie.”

“That I am.  You NSYNC men have a thing for violating women with your eyes.  You now make number three.  I guess I technically only have one left to worry about.”

“What can I say, I like looking at beautiful women.  And just because he’s gay doesn’t mean Lance can’t appreciate a nice ass on a woman.  He just won’t sleep with you.”  Justin winked playfully at Charlie.

“Touché.”

JC was enjoying watching Charlie and Justin banter.  She was getting along with his friends which could be difficult at times.  They all tended to be protective of each other.  The three of them chatted for a few minutes before Charlie began wandering the stage again, taking in more of the awe inducing sights.  JC and Justin moved down to the arena floor to the sound mixing platform where Justin began prepping for his sound check.

“Joe was right.  She’s a quick witted one, that one.  You met her here in Oregon?  What the hell were you doing here in the first place?”  Justin was fiddling with his in-ear monitors.

“I had writer’s block and needed a break from LA.  Kinda stumbled upon her passing through.  Glad that I did.”  Justin eyed JC curiously.  JC’s eyes never left Charlie as they talked.  What JC wasn’t aware of was that Justin and Joey had talked in length about his recent interest in Charlie.

“She’s done something to you.”  This caused JC to take his eyes off of her and finally give his friend his full attention.

“What do you mean done something?”

“You’re different.  Good different.  Of all the women you’ve dated over the years, I’ve never seen you like this.  She’s brought something out in you.”  Both men watched Charlie as she chatted with Justin’s piano player.

“She’s a good different.”

“Have you slept with her?”  JC glared at Justin who didn’t flinch or seem embarrassed asking the question.

“No, not yet.”

“How long have you known her?”

“Jesus J, what’s with the twenty questions?  I’ve known her a few months.”  JC knew his friend well and expected the questions.

“You know you can’t bring women around us without getting the third degree.  Is she spending your money like some of the others used to?”  This produced a laugh out of JC.

“No, she’s not.  My bank account is safe.”  JC went back to watching Charlie.  She began to play Justin’s “Blue Ocean Floor” on the piano.  Justin’s head shot up from the computer monitor he had been engrossed in.  She sang the first verse and pre-chorus of the song, hitting the pitch just right.

“She’s definitely a female you.  She can’t be half bad.  She knows my music.”  Justin smiled cockily.

JC shook his head in amusement at Justin’s ribbing.  He could tell Joey had filled Justin in on Charlie.

Justin joined in when Charlie got to the chorus, jumping up on the stage.  The rest of the band slowly joined in, playing out the rest of the song even though it wasn’t on the set list.  JC took in Charlie’s happy expression.

Yeah, Charlie isn’t half bad at all.