JC briefly recalled hearing Charlie move through the bedroom at an hour that seemed too damn early.  He saw a faint glow of light around the heavily curtained window.  He definitely wasn’t ready to get out of bed but wasn’t sure what her plans for the day were.  

Due to thunderstorms, they had spent most of the previous day at Charlie’s watching movies after their near sex slip.  JC had vowed that when the time came they were going to sleep together, she had to be the one initiating with zero doubt.  If he sensed any fear, he would stop it like he had before.

JC had fallen back asleep shortly after hearing Charlie rise.  He was woken again when she kissed him goodbye.  He vaguely recalled her saying something about having to work at the hotel and they’d catch up later.  He tasted the lingering flavor of the mint in her toothpaste.  Once again, he slipped into unconsciousness when the front door clicked closed.

Being that he dropped in on her once again, JC knew that Charlie would have to work at some point during his trip.  It was now Saturday so she would have her closing shift at the bar.  He figured she had gotten summoned to the hotel and decided to take advantage of the quiet, sleeping until noon.  Something he felt he didn’t do nearly enough anymore.

JC likely wouldn’t have a chance to sleep in like this for a while.  After the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, he would fly to Mexico City for a few weeks to film the movie his manager filled him in on.  He would also be spending time in the studio since the movie was as well a musical.

He was excited for what was to come but it meant he wasn’t sure when he’d be available to spend time with Charlie.  JC tried to convince her to accompany him to Thanksgiving at his parents house but she refused stating again that she had to work.  They would have to settle for phone calls and text messages for the time being.

It had been several years since JC had brought someone home with him for the holidays.  He had dated several people over the years but he hadn’t brought them home to his parents.  Something about the holidays held a sacred place in his heart and taking a woman to his parents house to share it was not a common occurrence.  He had introduced girlfriends to his family, just not at holidays.

Something about Charlie sparked the want to introduce her to his parents.  Perhaps it was a bit too soon and slightly naive but he could see a long term relationship with her.  He was pushing forty; something his mother liked to remind him on a regular basis.  He didn’t think he would be ready for marriage anytime soon but it wasn’t something he had completely ruled out.  Same thing with having kids.

JC just needed to figure out how to shake down the walls that Charlie still had standing.  She had shared that she had been married once but no detail as to why they separated.  He was becoming frustrated with the lack of detail he was getting out of her.  He was constantly reminding himself to be patient.

Figuring it was time to join the living, JC stretched his tired body; several loud cracks echoed through Charlie’s bedroom from his joints protesting the movement.  He glanced down next to him to see Cosmo laying flush against his leg.  When they made eye contact, the dog’s tail wagged happily.

“You finally warming up to me sleeping in your bed with your momma, buddy?”  JC scratched the happy dog behind his ears before standing up.  While showering, he decided that he would surprise Charlie by picking up lunch and taking it to her at the hotel.

JC grabbed a to go order from the diner and headed to the hotel.  He was surprised when he walked in and Charlie wasn’t behind the desk.  Rather, another employee was there.

“Is Charlie here?”  The older woman looked up from the book she had been reading, smiling warmly at JC.

“Yeah, she’s back in the manager’s office.  Go on back hun.”  He nodded appreciatively to the woman and made his way down a long hall behind the desk.  The door to the office was cracked open.  He peered in to find Charlie with her earbuds in, her head nodding to the rhythm of the music drifting in her ears.  Her attention was on a stack of paperwork in front of her.

The scene kind of reminded him of the time he caught her off guard when she was dusting.  He smiled at the memory.  Rather than freak her out this time, JC flipped the light switch next to the door a few time to get Charlie’s attention.  She glanced upward at the overhead light before settling her eyes on him.  A bright smile split across her face at the sight of him.  Turning off the iPod and removing the earbuds, she met him at the door, kissing him deeply.

“Hey there!  What a nice surprise.  What are you doing here?”  JC brought the bag of food from behind his back.

“I come bearing sustenance.  Figured you could use a break.”  He moved deeper into the small room, Charlie closing the door behind him.

“You are a mind reader.  I’m starving.  Please tell me you brought some of Maggie’s amazing meatloaf from the diner.”  JC took the seat on the opposite side of the desk and began unloading the food containers, nodding in confirmation.  Charlie cleared an area for them, grabbing a couple of bottled waters from a mini fridge along the wall behind her.  They settled into their food.

“Listening to Elton again?”  JC tilted his head in the direction of her iPod as he scooped a spoonful of coleslaw into his mouth.

“What can I say, old gay men that play the piano just do it for me.”  Charlie dipped a piece of meatloaf into her mashed potatoes before shoveling the bite past her lips.  A twinkle of playfulness danced in her eyes; a sight JC was glad to see.

“Well, would you settle for an aging straight pop star that plays the piano and could introduce you to Elton?”

“Eh, I’d consider it but I’ve already met Elton.”  The forced bored expression on her face made him chuckle.

“Thanks for the consideration.”  A few moments of comfortable silence passed between them before JC spoke again.  “I think Cosmo is finally warming up to me sleeping in the bed.  I actually got a tail wag out of him.”

“I told you Cos would come around.  He’s just not used to having to share his half of the bed.  You’re growing on him.  He’s just making sure to keep you in line.”  Charlie wiggled her eyebrows at JC suggestively.

“He’s a ninety-five pound chastity belt of teeth and attitude.  I can barely touch you in bed without getting the stink eye from him.  Just imagine what he’s gonna be like when we start having sex.”  Charlie froze for a few seconds, processing the comment.

“I don’t plan on having an audience when we have sex so no worries about my ‘chastity belt’.  Besides, I tend to be a bit vocal in bed.  I don’t need curious dogs investigating.  They’ll be locked up in the laundry room.”  JC groaned at Charlie’s mention of being vocal in bed.

“Damn you.  You had to say that, didn’t you?”  She feigned an innocent look.

“What?  You said you wanted me to be more open and honest with you.”

“Tease.  Okay, change of subject.  Are you sure you can’t come home with me for Thanksgiving?  It’s just a few days.  I’ll cover your plane ticket.”  Charlie sighed deeply at JC’s mention once again about the upcoming holiday.

“I think you’re looking for a fight rather than a change of subject.  It’s not about the cost of a plane ticket.  I can’t and won’t change everyone’s schedule this close to the holiday.  It’s not fair to the other’s here.  I’m not budging on this one Josh.”  JC knew he was pushing his limit; it was written all over Charlie’s face.

“Then Christmas?  That gives you a month to figure it out.  Come on Charlie.  Work with me here.”  The pitiful look on his face was working her nerves.

“Don’t you think it’s a little soon to be meeting the family already?  I know I’m not ready to subject you to my batshit crazy family for your sake.  The therapy bills alone would put me in the poor house.”  JC recognized Charlie’s defense mechanism of using humor to talk her way out of an uncomfortable situation.  He understood it but didn’t like it.

“Everyone has a batshit crazy family.  It’s not uncommon to ask the person you’re dating to spend a holiday with them.  I’m asking you to consider it.  You default to no or crack a joke to avoid an uncomfortable situation.  Just think about it.  Jesus!”  He used his fork to stab at the bun of his pulled pork sandwich.

“You’re about the get Mouthy Charlie again.”  She pushed the food around in the container in front of her.  This was her opportunity to tell him the truth.  “Maybe I’m not ready for this.  Any of this.  I thought after three years I might be but there is too much buried that I can’t seem to let go of and I don’t want to drag you down into this pit with me.”

“Whatever you think you need to protect me from, I’m a big boy.  I can handle more than you might think.  I want you to tell it all to me.  The good, the bad.  All of it but I understand it’s hard to relive all at once.  I want to understand what was so bad that you have hidden yourself here for three years.”

They stared at each other in silence for several minutes.  All the words bubbled in Charlie’s throat, threatening to spill out before them.  The thought of complete vulnerability was keeping the words at bay.

“I told you Josh, my divorce damn near killed me.  I invested too much into one person at too young of an age.  That level of commitment to someone, I don’t know if I can put myself out there again.  He screwed up and I came out looking like the bad guy.”  It was a small bread crumb but JC would take it.  Another piece of the puzzle.  He tilted his head to catch her gaze.

“Did he cheat?”  Charlie refused to cry even though tears hovered behind her eyes.

“Not physically but I think that makes it worse.  The feelings that a married couple are only supposed to share with each other blurred for him.  I think it would have hurt less is he was screwing her.”  Her last comment tasted bitter in her mouth.  She wasn’t sure if it was true but after the pain she felt, she figured anything would have felt better.  

JC abandoned his meal, standing to walk around the desk to close the distance between them.  He knelt down next to Charlie, swiveling the office chair so she was facing him.  She met his eyes but flinched when he placed his hands on her jean clad thighs.

“I’m sorry you went through that Charlie.  I know it hurts when someone cheats on you.  You gotta talk to someone though.  Whether it’s me, your sister, a therapist, hell, even the dogs; just talk to someone.  Don’t bottle that shit inside of you and allow it to ruin your future relationships.  You gotta learn how to take chances again or a good thing might slip away.”  JC stood up, his hands still on her thighs and leaned over to place a warm kiss next to her ear.  “Don’t let it slip away.”

A small shudder snaked up Charlie’s spine.  Her eyes closing momentarily.  She felt a chill wash over her when his body left her immediate vicinity.  A panic rose inside her.  She was sabotaging herself.  

“What if?”  JC stopped his exit from the office at her questions.  He waited a few seconds waiting for her to finish.  He turned towards her when he was met with silence.  “What if you’re my what if?”  Charlie swallowed the lump forming in her throat, licking her dry lips.  Her hand went up to the silver stud in her left ear to play with in nervousness.  He swore he could see a slight tremble in her shoulders.

“You’re what if what?”  He stayed at the door, his hand poised at the knob, ready to exit.

“What if you are the one who will show me how to trust again?  What if you are the person who can make me see that while love hurts sometimes, it’s worth fighting for?  What if you were dropped in front of me for the reason of opening my eyes to my stupidity and open up to someone completely again?  What if that’s you?”  Charlie’s eyes dropped to her hands in her lap.  JC bit his bottom lip as he processed her words.  He dragged his thumb nervously down the bridge of his nose.  As much as he wanted to cross the room and pull her to him, he resisted.  She needed to decide if she could take the leap of faith.

“You need to decide if you want to allow me to be your what if.”  He turned the doorknob, opening it slightly.  “I’ll see you tonight at the bar.”  With that, JC was gone.

***

For the remainder of the day, JC grabbed his notebook and the dogs, heading down to the river to think.  Not to seem conceited, but JC had never experienced such resistance from a woman before.  Another first that Charlie was giving him.  She was the opposite of the clingy, self-absorbed women of his recent past.  He didn’t want those type of women but the walls Charlie had up were challenging.

JC needed to decide if he wanted to put in the effort to pursue this relationship or cut his losses now.  His heart was already involved.  He was asking her to take a leap of faith.  Was he willing to do the same?

Charlie’s doubt in herself was creating a small amount of doubt inside JC.  Before their last conversation, he felt pretty confident that he was ready to embark on something long term with her.  She said he might be her what if.  Could she be his?

The other side of the what if’s between them were: what if things end messy?  What if secrets come between them?  What if this was all a mistake?  The good with the bad.  If you don’t take the leap of faith, a good thing might slip away.

JC was willing to take the leap but Charlie needed to decide now rather than later if she would as well.  He wasn’t willing to compromise his own heart if she doubted that she could let him in.  Not at this stage in his life.

Just after eight in the evening, JC stepped out of the frigid November air and into the warm atmosphere that the bar provided from its Saturday crowd.  As usual, mostly locals milled around the open space; a sprinkling of tourists dotted the crowd.  He craned his neck to hopefully catch a glimpse of Charlie behind the bar.  He saw the short blonde, Sadie, that typically worked Saturday’s with Charlie.  The other person behind the bar with Sadie was definitely not Charlie.

A tall, older gentleman was working alongside Sadie.  No sign of Charlie was present.  A small twinge of panic sparked in JC’s chest.  She had made no mention of not being at the bar that night when he told her he would meet up with her there later.  He moved to the far end of the bar to catch Sadie’s attention.  She smiled brightly when she caught sight of him.

“Hey there, hun.  You want a beer?”  Sadie moved to push her breasts together when she leaned on the bar in front of JC.  He caught what she was trying to do but wasn’t impressed.

“I’m actually looking for Charlie.  Is she around?”  He glanced in the direction of the male bartender, showing that he wasn’t expecting Charlie to not be present.

“Sure thing, hun.  She’s back in the office.  Use the side entrance down the hall.  Last door on the left.”  Sadie tipped her head in the direction of a narrow hallway that JC knew to lead to the bathrooms.  He nodded in acknowledgement and proceeded down the hall.  He knocked lightly on the designated door before entering.  He found Charlie sitting on a small couch.  She smiled at him when he appeared.

“Hey.”

“Hey.  You’re not working tonight?”  JC closed the door behind him but stayed next to it across the room.  Charlie rose from her seat, making quick work of closing the distance between them.  Her fingers grazed across his neck, into his hair as their lips met in a deep kiss.  He was taken aback for a moment at the sudden contact.  His hands gripped her waist tightly as he fell back against the wall behind him.

The kiss didn’t feel desperate or needy.  It felt powerful and almost healing in a way.  Their conversation earlier that day had an impact on Charlie and JC could feel it in their kiss.  He rose his hands to cup her cheeks, pulling her face back to look into her eyes.  He saw no signs of the previous hollow, lifeless person he originally met.  He also saw no signs of fear like he had the previous day.  She was either hiding all of her emotions really well in that moment or a calm had finally settled in her to allow him in.

JC glanced down at her attire, taking in the floor length black skirt and her sandal covered feet.  The thin material of the charcoal grey top she wore over a dark colored camisole didn’t look to provide much warmth.

“You’re not exactly dressed to sling beer tonight.  Did I miss something?  It’s freezing outside.  Where are the rest of your clothes?”  He pulled Charlie close, feeling the need to provide her warmth with his body.  She dropped light kisses along the hollow of his neck, her tongue lightly grazing his Adam’s apple that bobbed as he spoke.

“I got someone to cover my shift tonight so you and I could spend more time together.  I will be performing with the band tonight but other than that, I’m all yours the rest of the weekend until you leave Monday morning.”  The stubble of JC’s week old beard tickled Charlie’s nose as she kissed up his jaw, back up to his mouth.  “I get to see what Saturday is like on the other side of the bar tonight.  I’m buying, no exceptions.”  She placed an index finger between their nearly adjoined lips so he couldn’t protest her paying for their drinks.

“Thank you.”  JC placed another deep kiss on Charlie’s lips, his tongue teasing hers briefly before they exited the office, fingers laced together.

Charlie was enjoying seeing what it was like to experience the bar on a Saturday as a patron rather than an employee.  Her and JC nursed their drinks while sitting closely to one another in a small booth, slipping into easy conversation.  They people watched and made up funny stories about some of the more colorful characters surrounding them.

A few minutes before she was due to be on stage, Charlie eased out of the booth.  She had Sadie bring over another round of drinks and she disappeared behind the black curtain of the stage.

Charlie sang a couple of duets with the lead singer before she took over for a few songs of her own.  She sat behind the electric keyboard, preparing herself to take over the spotlight.

“Thank you all for coming out tonight.  I got a few songs for your guys tonight that I hope you enjoy.  The first one is called ‘The Day Before You’.”  Charlie and the band broke into the open chords of the song.  JC couldn’t place it right off the bat but it had a country vibe to it.

I had all but given up on finding
The one that I could fall into
On the day before you
I was ready to settle for
Less than love and not much more
There was no such thing as a dream come true
Oh, but that was all the day before you

Now you're here and everything's changing
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I will never have to go back to
The day before you

In your eyes I see forever
Makes me wish that my life never knew
The day before you

Oh, but Heaven knows those years without you
Were shaping my heart for the that day I found you
If you're the reason for all that I've been through
Then I'm thankful for the day before you

Now you're here and everything's changing
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
I will never have to go back to
The day before you

Was the last day that I ever needed alone
And I'm never going back
No I'm never going back

Now you're here and everything's changing
Suddenly life means so much
I can't wait to wake up tomorrow
And find out this promise is true
No I'm never going back
I will never have to go back to
The day before you   

For a majority of the song, Charlie’s blue eyes were glued to JC’s.  They had bonded over music and in that moment, that’s what she was using to show him that she was willing to bring down the barriers she put up around herself.  

At the close of the song, loud cheers and applause erupted through the bar.  Charlie managed to see the grin plastered on JC’s face.  She knew her own was flushing a deep shade of pink as she thanked the crowd.

“You’re too kind.  Thank you.”  Charlie waiting until a dull roar settled around the bar’s occupants.  “This next one is one you probably haven’t heard before.  It’s uh….  It’s kind of an unconventional love song written by an amazing songwriter.  I want to dedicate it to someone very special who has come into my life recently.”

It felt as though butterflies the size of eagles were migrating through Charlie’s stomach.  She knew singing the next song may not go over well but she was willing to dangle herself out there if she was really going to try to be open with JC.  After several quick deep breaths, Charlie’s fingers glided over the piano keys.

In the first few opening bars of the piano intro, JC’s spine locked ramrod straight.  He could feel his heartbeat thump loudly in his ears along with the notes of the song playing.  How did she manage to find it?  It hadn’t been officially released.  It was meant for his sophomore album.  Charlie closed her eyes and opened her mouth.

I could be the first to let you know
That nothing means anything
Now I'm standing here outside your door
in the pouring rain
And I can't believe nothing's supposed to get to me
Now I'm in this misery

I can't be with anyone since I felt our worlds collide
It's like I almost died
The way you make me feel
I'm changing, got me breaking down inside
Baby can't you see, you ruined me
For life

I will be the last to let you down
All your fears and doubts are
Hovering above you like a cloud
And the water's rising
Now I can't breathe, nothing's how it's supposed to be
How did you do this to me
Locked inside your heart shaped box

I can't be with anyone since I felt our worlds collide
It's like I almost died
The way you make me feel
I'm changing, got me breaking down inside
Baby can't you see, you ruined me
for life

I don't wanna be in love
I don't wanna feel this way
All I wanna do is leave
But all I can do is stay
Nights and days go by
and I can't wait to touch your face again

I could be the first to let you know, whoa
That I can't be with anyone since I felt our worlds collide
It's like I almost died
The way you make me feel
I'm changing, got me breaking down inside
Baby can't you see, you ruined me

Oh, I can't be with anyone since I felt our worlds collide
It's like I almost died
The way you make me feel
I've been changing, got me breaking down inside
Baby can't you see, you ruined me

I don't wanna be in love
I don't wanna feel this way
All I wanna do is leave
You ruined me for life

This time, Charlie couldn’t bring herself to look at JC while she sang.  She found the song on YouTube when she was poking around the internet, looking up info on him.  How she managed to keep her voice steady through the entire song was beyond her but she did.  She knew the crowd was cheering but it felt as though her ears were plugged with cotton.

Charlie finally managed to open her eyes to face the bar patrons.  She smiled shyly, rising from the stool behind the electric keyboard.  She bowed before finally scurrying her eyes to the table she was sharing with JC.  Her blood ran cold when she found the table empty.  She quickly scanned the bar, keeping the smile plastered on her face.  She found no sight of him.

After hurriedly hugging the members of the band, Charlie shuffled back to her table.  Both of their beers still sat there, JC’s half gone.  There was no note.  Him and his jacket were gone.  She bobbed through the crowd up to the bar, flagging down Sadie.

“Sadie, have you seen Josh?”  Sadie looked pitifully at Charlie.

“He tossed two twenties on the bar and beelined it for the door just as you were finishing up your last song.  His face was pretty blank and ghost white.”

Charlie felt a wave of dread punch her in the abdomen.  Had she just royally fucked up?  She ran to the front door, hoping to catch JC on the street.  She instantly was overcome with chills from the icy sea air blowing around her.  Her teeth chattered as she looked up and down the block in both directions, praying she found him.

The dark street was mostly deserted, no sign of JC.  Charlie fisted her hair in her hands, instantly regretting her decision to sing his song.  Her body began to shake with unshed tears along with the freezing temperatures.  She leaned against the wall, her ragged breaths coming out in smoky puffs in front of her.

“Dear God, what have I done?”