Charlie tortured herself for nearly ten minutes standing outside, trying to pull herself together.  She had managed to hold back her tears but could not shake the tight anxiety in her chest.  It was just her luck, the moment she was willing to let her walls down, reality slapped her across the face.  A few times, she felt the tingle under her tongue like she was going to throw up.  Deep breaths helped to keep her dinner down.

Once she managed to gain her composure, Charlie re-entered the bar to collect her things from the back office.  She gave a half-hearted wave to the two bartenders as she exited once more, still numb from her previous trip outside.  She was regretting her choice in clothing along with many other things at the moment.

Other than her house, Charlie wasn’t sure where JC would go at this time of night.  It was late and he didn’t know the area that well.  He would need to seek shelter eventually from the arctic temperatures.  Unless he grabbed his things from Charlie’s and headed to Portland to go home early, there wasn’t anywhere for him to go.  Except maybe the hotel for the night.

With the thought that JC might pack up and leave, Charlie’s foot pressed down harder on the accelerator.  She needed to try to find him.  She had tried his cell phone as she drove towards her house but after several rings, it went to voicemail.  She didn’t leave a message.  She needed to see him in person.

To her dismay, Charlie didn’t find JC’s rental parked in front of her house.  She entered the house, flipping lights on in nearly every room, still hoping she would find him even though his car wasn’t there.  Going into her bedroom, she found his suitcase still sitting open on the easy chair in the corner.  His toiletries still dotted the normally unused side of the double vanity in the bathroom.  She took this as a good sign that he had to show up eventually.

The tightness of anxiety still pulled in her chest again.  This had been the strongest urge that she had had in awhile.  Her hands were planted on the vanity, her head hung in exhaustion, as she tried to breath through the feeling; her vision starting to blur.  A wave of nausea and a light headed feeling hit her at the same time.  She willed herself to fight off all emotions.  She needed to keep it together.

After quickly checking on the dogs, Charlie settled on the couch in the living room to wait until JC showed up.  She decided to leave the dogs locked in the laundry room, not wanting to have to deal with out of control animals if they got into an argument.

The entire day played on a loop in Charlie’s mind as she waited.  She continually beat herself up for pulling such a stupid stunt.  She didn’t know what made her think he wouldn’t freak out.  She crossed a line that treaded into sensitive territory.  He had obviously written that song for someone special and she’d appropriated it in a violating way.

As worked up as she had made herself, Charlie didn’t think it was possible to fall asleep but at some point she had dozed off into a dreamless sleep.  It wasn’t until she heard a car door slam, which caused the dogs to bark, did she realize she’d closed her eyes.  The clock on the wall read a quarter to midnight, she had only been out for about thirty minutes.

Charlie held her breath as she waited for JC to either ring the doorbell or just walk in.  She heard his heavy footfalls as he climbed the few steps onto the porch.  There was a brief silence before the front door opened.  She jumped to her feet, waiting for him to appear.  When he finally did, her held breath rushed out of her lungs in a violent whoosh.  She couldn’t read the expression on his face.  She wrung her hands in front of her stomach nervously.

“Josh, I….  I didn’t mean to…..  I obviously upset you…..  I wasn’t….”  None of the rehearsed apology that Charlie practiced was coming out the way she wanted it to.  As she stuttered to explain herself, JC cocked his head to the side as he stared at her.  His intense gaze made hers drop to the floor.  The tears that she had been holding in stung her eyes.  She bit her bottom lip to settle the quiver that started.  “I’m so sorry, Josh.  I never meant to hurt you.”

Charlie’s voice was barely a whisper.  She couldn’t bring herself to lift her head.  Tears quietly slid down her cheeks as she hoped he would say something soon.  The silent treatment was making her embarrassment worse.

“Please say something Josh.”  She heard JC move through the room but kept her head bowed.  The tops of his Converse sneakers came into view in front of her bare feet but she was still only met with silence.  Her humiliation became too much and she moved to put distance between them again but he reached out to stop her.  His motion to pull her back caused her head to raise up, a small yelp escaped her lips as his mouth covered hers.

The last thing Charlie expected was JC to kiss her.  Why had he disappeared so abruptly, with no word, only to show back up as though nothing happened.  His lips were cold as though he had spent quite a bit of time outside.  His thumbs brushed the tears from her cheeks as he changed the pressure and angle of the kiss.  She pulled back when the lack of oxygen became too much.

Putting a few feet of distance between them, Charlie brushed the remaining tears from her cheeks, trying to read JC’s face.  Their labored breathing the only sound between them for several moments.

“Are you sure?”  JC moved closer once again, his hand lifting Charlie’s chin to meet his eyes.  “Are you sure, Charlie?”

“Josh, I didn’t mean--”

“I don’t want you to apologize to me.  I’m not mad you sang my song.”  He moved away to pace the small area in front of the couch.  His hands raked through his hair and down his face in frustration.  “You have to be sure you’re prepared to take a chance with this.  You’ve been hurt badly in the past but so have I.  Before either of our hearts get anymore involved in this, you have to tell me you trust me and you’re going to be honest with me.  I want us but not if there’s doubt.  Hearing you sing those songs, those words, I won't compromise.”

JC plopped down on the couch, his palms pressed to his forehead.  Charlie’s doubt in herself was raising doubt in him.  Her heart was breaking watching him question their relationship.  She pulled his hands away from his face, he looked up to meet her eyes.  She slid into his lap, her legs straddling his waist.  She small hands gently cupped his jaw.  She ran her thumb over his lips, staring at them for several seconds before speaking.

“I want this, Josh.  I want us, I want you.  I want you to be my what if.  I am willing to take the leap and trust you.  You’ve shown me you want this and I want to do the same for you.  All of the pain of my past will be hard to rehash but I’ll get there.”  Charlie smoothed down JC’s hair as she spoke softly.  His hands fisted the cottony material of her skirt bunched at her thighs.  She placed kisses on his forehead, nose, and mouth before pulling him close in a tight embrace.       

For several minutes, they sat there holding each other.  JC’s forehead was pressed against the crook of Charlie’s neck as his hands skimmed up and down her spine.  Her fingers twirled the hair at the nape of his neck.  Their wordless embrace healed a small part of each of them.  

Charlie dipped her head to lick the exposed skin just above the collar of JC’s sweater.  Her teeth joined in, gently grazing before kissing.  She repeated the process, moving back up to his mouth.  When her lips captured his, she started a slow swivel of her hips against his causing his fingers to press into the fleshy roundness of her ass due to the added pressure.  His head was swimming with so many emotions.  He wanted her.  All of her.  She pulled up on his sweater wanting to feel more skin.

“Charlie, we don’t--”  Charlie quieted JC with her mouth, the grind of her hips speeding up.  She didn’t want him to second guess this.  Another rejection might shatter her heart completely.

“I want to be with you.  I want to show you.  It's gonna happen so just enjoy the moment.”  Her thumbs caressed under his eyes, silently willing him.  That was all the permission JC needed to allow his hands to explore further.  His thumbs massaged her inner thighs as he pushed Charlie’s skirt up to her waist.  His fingers hooked into the hem of her panties, a thumb teased her most sensitive spot.  With closed eyes, her head fell back, enjoying the euphoric feeling of his hands on her body.  She licked her lips, never wanting this feeling to end.  She blanked her mind of all thought except for what was happening between them at that moment.

Leaning back slightly, Charlie swiftly discarded her blouse and tank top, leaving only her simple black bra covering the top half of her body.  She struggled to pull up JC’s sweater.  He removed his hands from her long enough to oblige her actions and his sweater and undershirt quickly added to the collection building on the couch next to them.  Their lips joined again in a heated kiss.

JC moved his hands across Charlie’s spine again, setting small fires under her skin at the contact.  He made quick work of the hooks of her bra, allowing it to fall between them.  The light dusting of his chest hair rubbing up against her already sensitive nipples produced small moans.  When his mouth attached to one of the hard buds, even louder moans sounded.  He alternated between biting and soothing his tongue across her breasts.  Feeling the shudder of her body as his teeth pulled gently on her nipples sent a rush straight to his groin.

“Take me to bed, Josh.”  Charlie’s ragged breaths came out in short puffs.  Her body felt electric.  She slid off JC’s lap, the material of her skirt returning to its long draped state when she stood up.  She held her hand out for him which he gladly took.  He pressed his chest firmly against her back as they stumbled towards the bedroom, his mouth attaching to her neck, his hands continuing to explore her torso.  His erection was pressed firmly against her as it strained through the material of his jeans.  A small giggle escaped her lips as he kicked the bedroom door shut.

Charlie pushed JC up against the door, reciprocating his earlier actions by gently biting and sucking his nipples.  She wanted to make him feel as good as he was making her.  His head banged against the door as his hands tangled in her long brown hair.  With nimble fingers, she undid his belt buckle and the fly of his jeans.  Their eyes locked on one another when her hand slid into his boxer briefs.  He felt his breath catch in his throat in anticipation.  His grip on her hair tightened.

At the contact of Charlie’s fingers curling around his thick erection, a groan from deep within JC’s chest rumbled.  She started her pumps slowly, her thumb stroking the head.  His hips moved in time with the long strokes of her hand.  It had been nearly six months since a woman had touched him this way.  All of his pent up sexual energy was spilling over.

“Does that feel good, baby?”  JC’s forehead pressed against Charlie’s as he relished in the pleasure her hand was giving him.  He peered down between their bodies to watch her touching him.   When his mind wandered to what the feeling of being inside of her would be like, he had to stop the motion of her hand.

“Wait, wait, wait, not yet.  I want to be inside you when I come.”  A new wave of excitement crashed over Charlie’s body at his words, gasping at the thought.  She pulled JC towards the bed, pushing him to sit on the soft comforter, placing a sweet kiss on his lips.  She opened the nightstand next to her and found a few condoms which she dropped by the alarm clock.

Stepping back a couple feet to remove the remainder of her clothing, Charlie hooked her thumbs into the waistband of her skirt and panties, shimmying them down her legs.  JC kicked off his shoes and socks, his eyes staying glued to her the entire time.  His tongue dragged across his bottom lip.  He took in the feminine curve of her hips as she righted herself from shedding her clothes.  He added his pants and boxer briefs to the pile of her clothes on the floor.

The only light in the room was provided by a floor lamp in the corner.  JC caught sight of the tattoo on Charlie’s ribcage, under her right arm, that he had seen a glimpse of on their Seattle trip.  Pulling her close again, he ran his fingers over the skin art.  In a flourished calligraphy, the quote ‘Dreams come true, not free’ spread over a small area.  Under that, the letters ‘LOP’ and the date ‘12/2/10’ was also tattooed on her skin.  He himself was too fearful of needles but could appreciate good artwork.

Charlie watched in wonderment as JC placed sweet kisses along her tattooed skin, admiring the small piece art.  Gently grabbing both of her wrists, he alternated placing butterfly kisses along the faded scars on her forearms.  He wished he could make them all go away and that she never had to experience the pain that drove her to mar her beautiful skin.  Each touch of his lips sent a shock of pleasure shooting through her body.

In one swift motion, he scooped her up and laid her head against the pillows, pressed together skin to skin from head to toe.  His hand slid back between her legs, slipping one, then two fingers in.  He felt her nails bite into his shoulders as she gasped and moaned in ecstasy.  He started in slow circular motions around her clit, getting her ready to slide his fingers lower.  She hissed and bit down on his shoulder.

“Oh, God.  I’m-- YES!  Josh, I want you.  I need you.”  Charlie’s voice was nearly hoarse from her heavy panting.  JC’s wet lips against her neck only added to her intense pleasure.  His thumb took over on her clit so his fingers could bury deep into her folds.  A small fire lit in her lower abdomen, rapidly growing bigger with the changing speed of his fingers.  Her hips bucked off the bed in time with his rhythm.

“I’m gonna make you feel good all night long, baby.”  His huskily spoken words were all it took to send her over the edge.  Her hands flew to the headboard and gripped the wood so tightly, her knuckles turned white.  Her back arched and her gasping moans were muffled by his mouth.  His hand didn’t slow its feverish pace until he was sure she rode out her entire high.

“Holy mother of God, you’re good at that.”  Charlie’s heartbeat and breathing began to slowly come down from her orgasm.  Her entire body vibrated from her release.  She kissed the corners of his mouth, rolling her and JC so she was straddling his waist, his erection pressed between them.  She grabbed one of the condoms from the nightstand, ripping open the foil wrapper.  He watched her scoot back on his legs and take him into her mouth.  Her tongue swirled a few times around the head before completely taking him in.  She kept her eyes on him as her head moved up and down his shaft.  She rolled the condom on when she felt him twitch in her mouth.

Charlie enjoyed the look of shocked pleasure on JC’s face at the mini blow job she gave him.  Scooting back up, she took his erection into her hand, placing him at her entrance.  His hands grabbed ahold of her hips.  Not that he really thought he could stop himself going through with having sex with her at that moment, JC locked eyes with Charlie.  He needed reassurance that there was no doubt or fear.  She just smiled, nodding slightly.

JC guided Charlie’s downward descent until he filled her completely.  Her eyes closed and she bit down on her bottom lip.  Neither of them moved for several moments, enjoying the feeling of their bodies wholly connected.  His hands skidded up her torso and pinched both of her nipples, causing an almost involuntary grind of her hips.  Both of them moaned as she continued the torturous snap of her pelvis against his.  Mouths and hands explored each other as he moved inside her.

JC wanted to make this last as long as possible.  When Charlie’s pace would start become erratic, getting lost in the haze of their sex, his hands would guide her hips in long strokes, prolonging both of their pleasure.  Her breathy moans and sighs almost made him get lost in the moment.  With each thrust, it felt like he was going deeper and deeper.

“Josh.  Baby, fuck you feel so good!”  Charlie fisted her own hair, her head falling back as her hips pressed harder against JC.  Her clit rubbed against his pelvis, sending her into another fit of moans.  “Fuck me, baby.  Fuck me!”  She hadn’t been lying when she said she was vocal in bed.

JC flipped them over, pinning Charlie against the mattress.  The piston like thrusting of his hips ignited the flame in her abdomen again.  The scent of his eucalyptus mint shampoo, his cologne, and the undeniable male smell that is JC assaulted her senses.  She wrapped her legs high around his slim waist, locking her ankles behind his back.  The slight change in angle allowed his thrusts to go deeper, hitting her spot.  A noise between a yelp and a moan escaped her lungs.

“Do you like that, baby?  Do I make you feel good?  Are you gonna come again for me, baby?”  He briefly dipped his head to take her right nipple between his teeth, tugging and licking the small nub back to rock hard.  His hips not relenting their pace.

“Yes!  Please make me come again.  Please, I need it.”  JC was propped up on his elbows, watching Charlie’s face twist and contort in the pleasure they were giving each other.  Hearing her beg nearly sent him over the edge.  His forehead dropped to her shoulder, the motion of his hips speeding up.  It wouldn’t be much longer.

JC peered between their bodies once again, watching himself thrust in and out of Charlie.  Seeing her sheath him repeatedly as their hips slapped together brought him right to the edge.  He lifted his head to meet her eyes.  One of her arms was wrapped around his shoulder while her other arm was pushed against the headboard to give her better leverage.  He hooked an arm under one of her knees, yet again thrusting deeper.

“Open your eyes for me Charlie.  I want you to look into my eyes when you come for me.  Let me see those beautiful eyes, honey.”  Charlie felt almost drunk from her building orgasm.  She didn’t want the pleasure to end but at the same time she wanted to feel her release take over.  Her eyes opened lazily as she tried to focus on JC’s face.  She watched a bead of sweat run down his brow, traveling down his nose.  She was so close.  The burn in her stomach began to spread.  “It’s okay, baby.  You’re safe with me.  Let it go.”

The sweet words that JC whispered set off Charlie’s release.  Her entire body quaked and her walls clamped around him, never breaking their eye contact.  Moans and curse words slipped out of her mouth as pleasure assaulted every fiber of her body.  Wave after wave of her orgasm ebbed and flowed over her.  This feeling, she thought, could never get old.  Both the physical and mental stimulation were like a drug.

“Josh….. baby….. come for me.”  Her saying his name always seemed to do something to him.  A warmth washed over him as his own orgasm racked his body.  Several grunts ripped from his lungs.  After a few final thrusts, JC collapsed on top of Charlie, his weight settling against her.  They laid tangling in a pile of limbs and heavy breaths for several minutes..  “Holy shit.  Why did we wait so long to do that?”  He chuckled in her ear, kissing down her neck and across her shoulder.

“So that it would be as amazing as it just was.”  His tongue pushed past her lips, exploring and battling with her tongue.  His hips began an agonizingly slow thrust after a few minutes of rest.  “And we’re going to repeat it several times tonight.”  She snickered against his mouth.

“Amen to that.”

***

Their final day together before JC was to fly home was spent much the same way they spent the previous night.  Between naps, movies in bed, a shared shower, and food, they spent the day exploring each other’s bodies.  In the nearly thirteen years that Charlie was with her ex-husband, she never recalled sharing with him the level of intimacy that her and JC shared on that day.

Her and Owen had sex regularly; they went at it like horny rabbits at times.  She had loved Owen and loved sex with him.  There was just something different about sex with JC.  The way he touched her.  The way he kissed her.  The way he brushed her hair off her forehead as his body moved above her.  The way he could be slow and sensual as well as rough and animalistic.  He would kiss her gently one minute and smack her ass the next.  She had never been so turned on both physically and mentally by someone the way she was with him.

And now it was Monday.  JC had to leave soon to be on the road back to Portland to catch his flight home.  Charlie busied herself making breakfast and folding the last of his clothes that she insisted on washed so as not to send him home with a suitcase full of dirty clothes.  If she kept herself busy doing something, she wouldn’t have to think.  She wouldn’t have to think about him leaving for God knows how long.  She wouldn’t have to think that she never told him the things that she should have before they slept together.

Charlie had given a little more detail with relation to her marriage and divorce but it was only the tip of the iceberg.  She by no means regretted sleeping with JC but she was cursing herself for not telling him more like she promised herself she would.  She was so deep in thought that she nearly jumped out of her skin when she felt his arms slip around her waist as she placed the last article of clothing in his suitcase.

“Let’s just go back to bed.  Forget my flight.”  JC’s hands smoothed up and down Charlie’s stomach as he licked the shell of her ear.  He was freshly showered and his scent was reeking havoc on her senses.  His hot breath cascading down her neck.  She leaned further into him, not wanting him to leave.    

“As much as I want you to stay, we both know it’s not possible.  You have work and the holiday with your family.  We’ll figure something out to see each other again soon.”  JC contemplated for a moment asking Charlie once again to accompany him for Thanksgiving but knew that it was a losing battle.  He wanted to end his trip on happy note.

“You really didn’t have to wash my clothes for me but I do appreciate it.  Thank you.”  Charlie turned in JC’s arms and kissed him nearly breathless.

“You’re welcome.  Now come on, I have just enough time to make you an egg sandwich before you have to leave.”  He chuckled at the cute expression spread across her face.  He watched her shuffle out of the bedroom, towards the kitchen.

“You’re not helping me leave here, woman.  Hey, how about that quickie on the kitchen counter we never got to the other day?”  JC could hear her laughter on the other side of the house.

Breakfast was quickly cleaned up and JC’s bags were loaded into the car.  Charlie stood on the front porch, a robe pulled tightly around her over her pajamas and a pair of warm slippers on her feet.  She did her best to keep a brave face.  She waved to him as he began to pull down the gravel drive.  Just before the car disappeared, he threw the car in park, leaving it to idle.  JC exited the car and jogged back to Charlie.  He damn near knocked her over when he collided with her.  He pressed her body against the house as he attached her lips with his.

“One more for the road.”  He spoke against her mouth without breaking contact.  The brave face that Charlie was trying to maintain was going to crack if JC didn’t leave soon.  There’s no telling how long they stood there, lips attached to each other.  Any sense of time was lost at that moment.

“Go on, go.  You’re going to miss your flight.”  Charlie shoved JC playfully.  

“I’ll text you when I land.”  He held onto her hand, appearing as though he was about to say something else.  When no other words were spoken, he jogged back to the car and disappeared.  It was at that moment that the tight twist of anxiety started in her chest again.

After taking several deep breathes of the cold November air, Charlie re-entered the house.  She stood next to the front door, taking in the eery quietness of her home.  For the first time since living there, she didn’t like the quiet surrounding her.  A slight shiver ran down her spine but not from being cold.  She was alone and it frightened her.

Charlie shuffled into the closet of her bedroom.  Moving aside several boxes, she opened the small safe she had bolted to the floor.  Once she retrieved the small metal object, she proceeded to the opposite end of the house.  Across from her office stood a locked door.  She stared at the plain white door for what seemed like an eternity before finally using the key she procured from the safe.

The bedroom was nearly void of any light.  Dark, heavy curtains covered the windows in the room.  Charlie felt along the wall, searching for the light switch.  Once she found her target, a dim overhead light illuminated the small space.  The walls were plain; no decorations hung.  One wall of the room was stacked with boxes, containing bits and pieces of her former life.

Charlie stood in the middle of the cramped room, her back to the boxes lining the wall, her eyes fixed on a single framed photo resting atop a dresser.  Next to the dresser was a crib which matched the dresser, a changing table, and a rocking chair.  She fiddled with the mobile suspended over the crib before picking up the photo.

Charlie sat in the rocking chair, staring longingly at the baby in the picture.  Tears she didn’t want to shed quietly slid down her cheeks, burning a hot trail across her lips.  Her fingers ran over the sweet child’s face.

“I miss you, my darling boy.”