Turn and walk away or stay and help her.

This thought bounced around JC’s head the entire night.  His sleep had been fitful and restless.  So much had transpired the previous night that his mind was a jumble of confusing thoughts.  His emotions ranged from happy, infatuated, angry, frightened, and disappointed.  So much in such a short period of time.

He drove Charlie home in his vehicle, leaving her’s parked near the bar.  The entire ride back had been silent other than the faint sound of the radio.  She remained curled into a ball in the seat next to him, never looking at him or speaking.  She had completely shut herself off.  He didn’t push her to open up.  He allowed her to sit with her thoughts.

JC helped her into the house, immediately taking her into her room.  As he aided her in sitting down on the bed, she appeared almost catatonic; void of any expression.  He slipped off her shoes and socks, pulling back the covers to allow her to settle in.  When he moved to leave, she reached out and grabbed his hand, silently asking him not to leave.  She scooted over, pulling him to lay next to her.  He toed off his shoes, settling in next to her.

Charlie laid facing JC, her face buried in his neck, her arm draped around his waist.  He hummed softly, stroking her hair until she fell asleep.  Much the same as him, her sleep was restless.  She seemed to be having dreams on and off all night; she would make small noises, tossing and turning.  A few times, he had moved to leave the bed but she would pull him back.  His presence was providing her a comfort.  

At some point in the night, Cosmo jumped into the bed and wedged himself between Charlie and JC.  This amused him as the dog was obviously very protective of her.  He scooted away, giving Cosmo the room to curl up next to his master.  The dog placed his head protectively on her stomach.

The clock next to Charlie’s bed read a quarter after seven in the morning.  They had gotten back to her house around two AM and the lack of sleep was hitting JC.  He rolled his head to watch Charlie sleep.  She was laying on her side, facing him.  Her right arm was curled under her head; her left arm rested on her hip.  He took in the dark circles that lined the underside of her eyes.  She looked broken down and exhausted.

He rolled his head to look back up at the ceiling, contemplating what he should do.  Should he stay or should he run?  He truly wasn’t sure what to do but decided that trying to sleep was a fruitless effort so he carefully slid from the bed so as not to wake her.  He stepped into her bathroom, latching the door quietly.

JC took in the neat yet sterile surroundings of the large bathroom as he emptied his bladder.  Everything seemed to have its place and was tidy but like the rest of her home, it seemed impersonal.  There were no touches that made the space feel warm.  It seemed as though she moved in and only unpacked the necessities.  While washing his hands, he spotted a razor sitting on the edge of the tub that he assumed she used to shave her legs.  This brought the memory of his discovery of her small tin back to the forefront of his mind.  Once his hands were dry, he quietly searched her bathroom for any other blades she might have.

JC’s anger began to rise as he invaded her personal space.  He dug through drawers and rummaged under the sink for any signs of blades.  He checked her medicine cabinet and the small linen closet that held her towels.  He moved around pill bottles that rested on the countertop; he even peeked inside her birth control compact for contraband.  He didn’t turn up any companions to the one kept in her purse.

He exited the bathroom quietly to find Charlie still in the same position.  Guilt washed over him for poking around in her stuff.  He knew it was wrong but he couldn’t bear the thought of her hurting herself.  He couldn’t understand what could have happened to her that she needed to go to extreme measures.  He knew so little about self-harming in the manner of one intentionally cutting oneself.  

Reaching down to grab his shoes, JC quietly exited Charlie’s bedroom, leaving the door cracked.  He wasn’t sure what he should do.  He wanted to talk to her but wanted to let her sleep.  He wanted to run but he wanted to stay.  He had never been so torn over someone he had known for a short period of time.  He didn’t typically develop attachments this quickly.  

Setting his shoes by the front door, JC began wandering around Charlie’s house.  He purused her DVD collection and a few CD’s that were left out on her coffee table.  He closely examined some of the paintings on the walls, not recognizing any of the artist names on them.  He ventured down a hallway on the opposite side of the house that he assumed contained the other two bedrooms and bathroom of the home.

JC did a once through the bathroom looking again for anything Charlie could use to hurt herself.  He moved further down the hall to one of two closed doors.  The first door he tried was locked.  He found this odd since she lived alone and from what he gathered, she didn’t have regular visitors over.  He ran his finger over the keylock on the door handle.  It wouldn’t be easy to pick if he tried.  He considered trying the keys on her keyring but thought better of it.  He had already violated her privacy more than he should have.

He tried the door opposite the locked one and it opened into a brightly lit office.  Three of the walls were covered in dark cherry bookshelves.  All of the shelves were covered in either books or CD’s.  He ran his fingers along the spines of some of the books, reading the titles.  He did the same with the massive CD collection before him.  This was the largest collection he had seen aside from his own.  

JC noticed the CD’s were in alphabetical order by artist name.  Curiosity got the best of him and he checked to see if she might have his solo album.  He was pleasantly surprised to see that she in fact did.  She also had the entire collection of NSYNC albums.  This brought a smile to his face.  He quite liked how diverse her music tastes were.

The fourth wall of the room was floor to ceiling picture windows giving Charlie an amazing view of the trees and river behind her home.  It was a cloudy day and a light drizzle covered the area.  It was fitting for the mood that he was in that morning.  

JC’s gaze moved to the large desk that matched the color of the bookshelves.  She had an impressive desktop computer set up.  Three large monitors mounted to the desk above the keyboard.  A tablet also rested on the desk next to stacks of folders.  Various spreadsheets containing a brain bending quantity of numbers were scattered on the surface.  It looked like she was running some type of business from home in addition to her jobs at the bar and hotel.

Charlie was turning out to be quite an enigma to him.  JC didn’t expect her to spill her entire life story on day one but as he began peeling back her layers, he was amazed at each new discovery.  Her complexities both intrigued him and frightened him at times.  Most women he interacted with were one dimensional.  Charlie was anything but one dimensional.

He knew he more than pushed his limits on invading her privacy but he tapped the mouse of the computer, waking up the sleeping monitors.  No programs appeared to be open but the computer’s wallpaper was of two small children, a little boy and little girl.  While both were very cute, they didn’t look like Charlie.  They were both darker complected with dark brown hair and eyes.  She obviously cared about them if she had them as her computer wallpaper.

The guilt was becoming too much for JC.  He turned away from the desk to leave the office.  In the doorway, Ginny sat quietly, her tail wagging.  He patted her head as he exited the room, closing the door behind him.  He made his way into the kitchen, desperately needing coffee.  

While rooting around for what he would need for coffee, he noticed a general lack of food.  The freezer was nearly bare, only containing a few bags of frozen vegetables.  The refrigerator wasn’t much better.  He found condiments, water, milk, and beer.  Her barren cupboards held a few cans of soup, a sparse selection of cereal, and some canned fruit.  He did find the small pods needed to make use of the Keurig coffeemaker.

Being that Charlie didn’t have the supplies needed to make a decent breakfast, JC decided to make a trip into town to the grocery store.  He hoped he would be able to get there and back before she woke.  Her truck was still parked by the bar so she wouldn’t be able to get too far on foot if she tried to leave.

JC scooped up Charlie’s keys along with his own as he pulled his shoes on.  He wanted to better his chances of her staying put while he was gone.

***

The dull ache that had settled behind Charlie’s eyes would no longer allow her to sleep.  She began waking up in degrees, slowing become aware of her surroundings.  Her mind began to clear and the memories of the previous night hit her like a ton of bricks.

Her right arm was draped across her eyes, blocking out any light.  She lay completely still as the memories continued to washed over her.  She felt a heavy object lying across her stomach, somewhat restricting her breathing.  She lifted her head and peered down at Cosmo, who looked up at her from his splayed out position.

“Hey buddy.”  Charlie’s voice was raspy and her throat dry.  She dropped her head back to her pillow.  She felt hungover.  She only had two beers so she knew it wasn’t that.  What she was was emotionally hungover.  All of the combined events from the night prior tossed her through a tornado of emotions.  Her stomach rolled when she thought of watching JC pull that little tin container from her pocket.

Charlie lay on her back for several minutes, staring at the ceiling, allowing herself to become more alert.  The sudden aroma of bacon hit her nose.  She was confused because she knew she hadn’t had any bacon in the house.  She figured that JC had to still be around and she was dreading having to face him.  Part of her hoped that he would be gone when she woke up.  She recalled silently requesting him to stay with her last night but now she just wished him away.  She couldn’t believe she had practically thrown herself at him the previous night.  She just wanted to feel something other than the pain that was coursing through her at that moment.

She pushed herself into a sitting position.  She looked down to see she was still in the previous night’s clothes from her shift at the bar minus her shoes and socks.  She knew she needed to get her talk with JC over with sooner rather than later.  Her alarm clock read ten thirty.  She pushed herself onto tired legs and headed for the bathroom.  

While brushing her teeth, Charlie cringed when she saw her disheveled appearance in the mirror.  Her hair was a tangled mess and the dark circles under her eyes made her look older than she was.  She splashed cold water on her face to ward off her haggard look.  She ran a brush through her hair, pulling it into a messy bun to get it off her face.  While digging through her medicine cabinet for ibuprofen for her headache, she noticed everything seemed to have shifted.  Nothing was missing but everything looked disturbed.

Charlie guessed that JC might have been looking for more blades that she would have kept hidden.  Of course she wasn’t proud of what she was doing but she only had the one she kept in her purse.  There was no need to hide them since she limited her interactions with people.

After downing a few ibuprofen, she stared at herself in the mirror, giving herself a pep talk.  She needed to get this over with.

Charlie exited her bedroom, creeping quietly down the hall.  She could hear the noises of plates shuffling and silverware clanking together.  She also heard the sizzle of bacon and smelled coffee which she so desperately wanted at that moment.

“That’s fine Eric….Yes, I’ll be there…..Plus one….I’ll text you details…..Did he already confirm attendance...I’m not sure the exact date yet but soon…”  Charlie listened to the one side of JC’s conversation she could hear.  She had come to learn that Eric was his manager.  It sounded as though he would be leaving Cannon Beach soon.  It was likely for the best.  After last night, she wasn’t expecting to see him beyond today.  She figured he’d say his piece and be gone.

Charlie took a seat at the kitchen peninsula, watching JC move around her kitchen while he talked.  He nodded at her in acknowledgement and placed a coffee mug on the coffeemaker to brew her a cup.  He flipped the bacon in the pan before fetching eggs and coffee creamer from the fridge.  The whole time, still holding his conversation.

JC poured a small amount of cream and a single sweetener into the mug, placing it in front of Charlie.  She mouthed a thank you to him.  She liked that he remembered how she took her coffee.  He returned to the stove, removing bacon from the pan and sliding it off the heat.

“Look Eric, I gotta go.  I’ll talk to you later….You too, man.”  He ended his call, slipping his phone into his pocket.  He leaned on the counter opposite her, his hands gripping the edge of the counter.  “Good morning.  I was wondering if you planned on joining the living today.”   

“I did debate staying in bed all day but alas, here I am.”  Charlie looked up from her coffee cup.  JC appeared freshly showered and was wearing a different outfit than the one he had on the night before.  At the moment, she wished she had at least changed her clothes.  His ever present black rimmed glasses rested on the bridge of his nose and he still had several days worth of facial hair though it appeared neatly trimmed.

“Breakfast is almost done.  You cool with scrambled eggs?”  She nodded and he turned once again to the stove.

“Popstar and chef.  I thought your friend Joey was the cook?”

“I wouldn’t call myself a chef but I can cook enough to at least sustain myself from starving to death.  I can’t say the same for the scarce amount of food I found here.”  JC briefly turned to glance at Charlie.  Her head was bowed to stare into her coffee.  “And Joey is definitely a better cook than me.”    

A long, uncomfortable silence stretched between them while he cooked eggs.  She needed to break the deafening quiet before she went crazy.  “So when I stopped into the hotel earlier this week, I changed your room rate to a long term stay rate.  We rarely get long term guests this time of year so it is our way of saying thank you for your business.”

“I appreciate that.  I’ve enjoyed my stay here.  That hotel was a great little find.”  He moved the slimy eggs around the pan.  He didn’t know how to open the conversation of the previous night.  “I drove past the bar this morning to check on your truck.  I’ll drop you off after we eat so you can pick it up.”

“I wasn’t worried about it.  Matt’s an idiot but not stupid enough to do anything to my vehicle.  I’m sure the graveyard deputy kept an eye on it.  And don’t worry about dropping me off, I’ll find a ride.”  JC portioned the now cooked eggs between two plates.

“It’s no hassle.  I’ll take you.”  He removed the bacon, hash browns, and toast from the oven, placing some of each on their plates.  He walked them to the dining room table.  He handled both of their coffee mugs in one hand and took her hand in his free one to lead her to the table.

“I don’t know how you’re so skinny if you normally eat like this.”  Charlie stared down at the large portion of food on her plate.  “I may go into a food coma after this but it look delicious.”

“Well, I picked up more cereal just in case this isn’t edible.”  A small bit of the tension was relieved with his joke.  They both ate quietly for a few minutes before JC piped up.  “So, Matt…..”

“Matt.  Matt was….He was a mistake that I should have gotten rid of a long time ago.  Chalk it up to another one of my stupid choices.”

“But he’s married with kids?”  Charlie cringed.  She sounded like a homewrecker.

“They were separated at the time I met him.  He claimed they were divorcing.  I wasn’t looking for a relationship when I first moved here.  He was a distraction.  We never officially dated, just hooked up.  I’ve tried many times to end it but as you saw, he doesn’t take no for an answer very well.”  A twinge of anger flared in JC.

“Was he forcing himself on you?  You know that’s--”

“He wasn’t raping me if that’s where you going.  It just became easier to stop fighting so he’d leave quicker.  I guess I should be happy he agreed to use condoms.”

“Just stop!”  Charlie jumped at JC’s outburst.  “Why do you do that?  You do this thing where you defend other people’s treatment of you.  His sorry ass should be in jail!”  She was shocked at his honestly.  She pushed her plate away from her.

“Why the fuck do you care?  Why are you still fucking here?”  He threw his hands up in frustration.

“Here we go again!  You still have this hang up about us being friends.”  He sat back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest.  “Truthfully, I have asked myself why I didn’t run out of here when I found that damn razor blade.  I haven’t the first fucking clue and can’t even begin to fathom what would drive someone to do what you’re doing.”

“You’re right.  You have no fucking clue!  How dare you come into my home and tell me how you pity me for being some weak, broken excuse of a person that needs to harm herself!  I’m not hurting anyone else so don’t you fucking pass judgement on me.  Don’t act all high and mighty.  If I disgust you that much, just go.  Leave.  Tell me what I owe you for the food you bought this morning.  Forget about the pitiful woman hiding in a small town, just trying to survive.”

Charlie walked her plate into the kitchen, leaving it on the counter near the sink.

“You’re just gonna run away?”  JC moved from his seat to block her from leaving.  He had her cornered against the kitchen counter.  His hands were planted on either side of her hips on the counter, preventing her from getting away.

“Don’t you dare do this.  You obviously think I’m unstable.  You sure you wanna poke the bear and treat me like a caged animal.  This bear bites.  Hard.”  There was a spunk and a fire in her eyes that he was glad to see.  This was the most alive he had ever seen her.

“Just hear me out, Charlie.”  Charlie crossed her arms over her chest, glaring at him, waiting for him to say his piece.

“Well, I’m waiting.”

“First of all, you owe me nothing for breakfast so don’t go there.  Second, I don’t pity you.  It saddens me to see one of my friends hurting.  I know our friendship is new but I want you to feel you have someone to talk to and I’ll do the same with you.  I don’t think you’re weak or broken or unstable.  You’re obviously in a lot of pain but I don’t think less of you as a human being.  I want to help you.  I want to be your friend and not have you question my motives.  My work is going to take me back home soon but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna forget about you when I leave.”

Charlie couldn’t look at JC.  Her chin was tucked against her chest while she absorbed his words.  She was speechless.  He was the first person since moving away from home who made an effort to get to know her.  The residents of Cannon Beach accepted her as a local but no one went out of their way to really learn about her.  Matt was only looking to get laid.  He never asked her about who she was.  JC leaned in close so he was right next to her ear.

“And for the record, you’re a bear I wouldn’t mind poking.”

“Oh, you are too much sometimes.”  Her head fell forward to his shoulder as she laughed at his attempt to lighten the mood.  He hugged her close and was glad she was being receptive to him.  He placed a kiss on her neck before pulling back to meet her eye to eye.  His hands cradled her head.

“I’m serious, Charlie.  If you need someone to talk to, I’m here.  If I’m not here, you can call me, anytime.  I can’t always answer right away but I will call you back within an hour.  I promise you.  When you feel a need to hurt yourself, reach out to me first.  If you just wanna talk, no matter what the topic, I’ll be there to listen.”

“Are you gonna break out into a Bill Withers song because I’m not sure I could handle that right now?”  A smile spread across her face.  His head fell back with laughter.

“Oh, I’m too much?”  When his laughter settled, JC pressed a soft kiss to Charlie’s lips.  “Promise me you’ll reach out to me first.”  His intense blue eyes were reeking havoc on her pulse.  Those electric currents were shooting through her body again.  Her arms snaked around his waist.

“I promise, Josh.”  He kissed her again, this time longer and more passionate.  She pulled back to meet his gaze.  “Can I ask you something?”

“Shoot.  Well, don’t shoot.  Bad choice of words.  Can I just say having a gun pointed at me twice in a three weeks span is not my idea of fun.  You guys do really love you guns here in Oregon.”  Charlie pressed her fingers to his lips to silence him.  She was amused by his mini rant.

“You’re rambling again.”  JC kissed her fingers pressed to his lips.

“Sorry, ask away.”  He watched as a nervousness came over her.

“What did you do with it?”  He knew exactly what she meant by ‘it’.

“I disposed of it when I drove into town.  I feel guilty but I also checked your bathroom for others I needed to get rid of.”

“I could tell.  My stuff looked disturbed but I know you were doing it out of concern and I appreciate that.  It really does mean a lot to me that you want to be my friend.  I haven’t been around true friends since being here.  Thank you.”  JC ran the back of his fingers over Charlie’s cheek as she spoke.  He was becoming more and more enamored with her by the minute.

“You’re welcome.”  He no longer held back when he had the urge to kiss her.  He once again captured her lips in a deep kiss, his tongue exploring her mouth.  Her hands moved up and down his back as the kiss continued.  To allow them to catch their breath, he dropped soft kisses on her neck.  “Can I ask you something now?”

“Yes.”  Charlie pushed herself onto the countertop to bring her eye level with JC.  He settled between her legs dangling against the cabinets.  His hands rested on her thighs.

“I have a charity event to go to next week in Seattle and I want you to come with me.”  He watched as a flash of fear crossed her features.  “It would be an overnight trip.  Just one night.  I’m hoping you can take the time off work.  I could pay to board the dogs for you while we’re gone.”  She rolled her eyes.

“Okay, don’t be obnoxious.  I don’t need you to pay to board my dogs.  I’m more than capable of paying for it.  Second, I don’t think it would be a good idea.  I mean, won’t there be photographers?  People will think we’re dating and I don’t know what kind of image you’re trying to maintain but people talk.”  He put a finger on her lips.

“Let me worry about my image.  This isn’t some awards show with annoying paparazzi.  There are going to be photographers covering the event but not intrusive assholes.  If you can’t get out of work, I understand.  I just thought it would be fun to get out and have a good time and it’s for a good cause.”  

JC didn’t want Charlie to lose any income from going out of town with him.  He didn’t know her financial situation at all but looking around at the nice house and newer model SUV she had, they weren’t cheap purchases.  She worked two minimum wage jobs so how she was able to afford her life was beyond him but he didn’t want to pry.

He watched her as she chewed on her index finger, deep in thought.  The thought of a public event brought up a lot of fears of her past.  Someone she knows could find out where she’s been hiding out.  How would she explain to JC if she was discovered.  She was about to tell him no but the sweet, encouraging look in his eyes did something to her heart.

“I’ll see what I can work out.”  Charlie liked the excited, child-like joy that overtook his features.  He placed several quick kisses on her lips.  “I can’t say for sure yet but I will try my hardest.”

“That’s all I ask.”

“Can I show you something?”  The expression on her face appeared apprehensive and a bit unsure.

“Of course.”  Charlie slid off the counter and headed for her purse by the front door.  She recalled seeing JC grab her notebook from under the bar and place it in her purse before they headed home the previous night.  She flipped through several pages as she met him back in the kitchen.

“Now, I didn’t write this but I came across it and jotted it down so I wouldn’t forget it.  I can’t seem to find out who the author is but I think this is a pretty good description of me over the last few years.”  She almost chickened out but slowly handed over her notebook.

JC knew how protective he was of his own notebook so the fact that she was allowing him a glimpse into hers, he knew was a big step.  When her fingers released the book to him, she appeared to wilt into herself, bracing herself for some kind of backlash.  He looked at a poem that was written in the flourish of Charlie’s beautiful handwriting.

She’s learned to hold
All her feelings inside
Until late at night,
And cover her mouth
With her hands so
No one hears her.

She’s perfected
Her fake smile.
And she’s been taught
- oh so painfully
To build her walls up
High, to keep everyone out.

-- A.S.               

JC wasn’t sure what to say.  Even if they weren’t her words, Charlie had just bared her soul to him in a very vulnerable way.  The words written on the paper were of all the things he had seen in her since meeting her.  She was very self-aware of how people saw her.  She kept people at a distance to protect her heart.  Her showing him this gave him a glimpse of a small part of her heart.

Charlie nervously wrung her hands, waiting for JC to say something.  She was beginning to regret showing him.  She snatched back the notebook after several more moments of silence.

“I know it’s stupid but I thought it provided a peek into--”  He covered her mouth with his, quieting her attempt to justify her decision to show him her notebook.  When he was sure she was breathless, he pulled back to lock eyes.

“Thank you for sharing that with me.  You have no reason to explain yourself.  I appreciate you sharing a piece of yourself with me.  Don’t ever apologize for that.”