As much as a teenage girl could love a teenage boy-which, by the way, is a lot, I loved JC.

With all my heart, as young and undamaged and untested as it was, I loved him. He made it easy by not changing very much after we were ‘official'. We still hung out with our friends, we still studied together a few nights a week and we still went to school functions like games and dances and other events together. Nothing really changed, because we'd been doing all of that stuff already. We just added sneaking around to have sex to the equation.

For the most part, we were able to be alone a lot. Our parents worked, Tyler had his own friends and Heather had her after school projects and got a part time job. We could go anywhere really, but we mostly hung out at the Del Ray's. Nick's parents worked long hours at the clinic, often leaving him alone in a rambling house with a built in home theater and way too many guest rooms. JC and I never got the nerve to have sex there, but when Nick and Morgan would disappear into the bowels of the house, we took full advantage of the freedom to be alone as a couple.

Things got a little easier after JC got a car when he turned 16. A Jeep, actually, very used but in good condition. Roy, thought it would come in handy for carting us kids back and forth to games and dances and weekend and summer activities. He had to work for gas money though, so he got a job where Roy worked, fixing computers. He found he had a knack for it and passed Computer Science with flying colors. JC worked a few hours on Saturday and the occasional weeknight. Back then gas was cheap and that was all we really needed to get around. All I could think about was if the backseat folded down and how much room was back there.

JC having a car gave us freedom and privacy. Nick had a car, but it was a fancy Doctor's son's car and besides, we always felt like we were intruding on him and Morgan. Now we could go to a drive-in movie or head to the lake or the beach. It was nice that it was just the two of us and the flicker from a fire JC made, just for the romantic light. He always kept a blanket under the back seat and yes, the back seat did fold down.  

My favorite night with him was the fall of our junior year. It was starting to get dark early and there was a hint of a chill in the air. We drove out to Lake Conway, one of our favorite spots. There were some townhomes that were built along the lake on one side; the other side was all forest, uninhabited. JC found a dirt road that would take us north, far away from any of the homes, further away than anyone would likely be coming to fish. We'd swim and eat whatever we packed to bring, listen to music, talk... and when the sun dipped below the horizon, we crawled into the backseat.

Those were the best times, the night air smelling so clean, the sound of the lake mere feet from us lapping at the rocks on the shore, no noises or disturbances except the bleating of frogs and coyotes in the distance mixing with the crackle of the easy listening station on the radio. JC insisted it help set the mood. I thought most of the songs were cheesy, but if it made him want me, I was game.

That night we laid there next to each other, talking and touching, taking our time. JC sat up and turned on the overhead interior light and then just... stared.

"What? What's wrong?" I grabbed a corner of the blanket and folded it over most of my body since I was naked. "Do we need to leave?"

"No. Nothing's wrong." He grabbed the blanket and gently pulled at it, revealing my body again. He smiled, then reached out to touch me. The tip of his finger dragged across my skin, leaving fire in its wake. My nipples stood on end and goosebumps rose and my breath quickened. "I like looking at you," he said, his finger traveling south. "I like touching you."

"I... I like it too," I managed to stutter, though made quite speechless by the sensation of his finger stroking, circling, applying pressure. I opened my legs wider to give him more room, more access. He bent to kiss me, then moved down my body and his mouth took over and....... oh my God.

"Holy fuck, please don't stop." He moaned. I could feel him smiling. It didn't take long before the steady flickflickflickflick of his tongue was making my hips roll so violently he had to wrap his hands around my thighs. I tried really hard to be quiet, but then I realized we were in the middle of a forest so I could be loud if I wanted to. And I wanted to. I came so hard I cried.  

I had worked myself to the very edge of the seat, trying for some reason to get away from JC, when what I really wanted was more-I just couldn't take how good it felt. JC laughed and laid next to me, pulling me back toward him and wrapped me in his arms until I stopped shaking and my breathing returned to normal and I could stop saying, "oh my God," over and over.

"Did you like that? Was it... was I okay?"

I didn't mean to laugh in his face, but it seemed like a crazy question to me. "Are you kidding? Did you not hear me screaming?"

"Yeah, I heard you," He said, a cheesy grin on his lips. "I just wanted to hear you say it was good."

I was lightheaded, so I'm sure I sounded all dreamy when I assured him. "It was good, baby. So good."

"That makes me happy," he said softly, stroking my cheek. "I have something to tell you."

"What? Something bad?"

"No. Just that... we've been together a while now... but we've been hanging out longer, so I've known this for a long time, but... I love you. A lot. And I want you to love me. And whatever I have to do to make that happen, just tell me and I'll-"

I stopped his ridiculous ramble with a kiss. When our lips parted, I said, "If you don't know by now that I love you, then you are a really dense boy."

He laughed a deep hearty laugh that warmed my heart every time I heard it.  "I mean I had an idea..."

"But you just wanted to hear me say it?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I love you. Very much, more than anything." I pulled him toward me and he wrapped his arms around me again.  "I think I never want to love anyone else.  And I never want to be with anyone else. And I want to be the only person you've ever been with. That's a crazy thing to say, huh? Am I scaring you?"

JC hesitated to answer, but then shrugged a shoulder and said, "I'm not scared."

We had managed to keep our relationship under wraps for a while. For a long time only Nick and Morgan knew we were dating. Our parents definitely couldn't know, otherwise they'd never let us hang out alone together.  After JC got the Jeep, everything changed. We sat them all down one night and told them that we were dating-had been dating for some time.

The reaction was mixed. I don't think they were very surprised. JC and I had been attached at the hip for so long, I suppose it was inevitable. I think a small part of them hoped we would just stay friends and they wouldn't have to deal with the problems of a teenage relationship. You can only bury your head in the sand for so long, but once something is in the open, it has to be dealt with.

For example, that moment when you confirm, with proof, that your sixteen year olds are having sex.

One night I had been at Morgan's to help her write an English paper on Shakespeare. I came home to find both my parents sitting at our kitchen table. My dad pointed to a chair and said, simply, "Sit."

I dropped my book bag and sat, with some idea of what this talk was going to be about. My mom had been hinting that maybe JC and were getting too close, spending too much time together, were too attached. I thought I had done a good job of talking her down, but now my dad was involved.

"What's up?" I asked, looking from my mom to my dad and back.

"This," my dad said, dumping a gallon sized Ziploc bag onto the table. My eyes slammed shut and then automatically reopened. It was a bag of condoms. "You're doing the city or you're supplying the city. Either way, we need to talk."

After we started having sex, we had to find ways to get condoms without having to buy them. I learned from Morgan that we could pick them up from a number of clinics, no questions asked. Every time I went downtown for some reason, I went to one of three clinics and picked up a handful. I had the nurses convinced I was handing them out at school.

The condoms were way more important to me than to JC so I always made sure to get them. Otherwise, like our first time, he would use the first thing he got his hands on. Maybe I got a little carried away with collecting them, but we were always protected. Many times over.

"Honey, are you and JC having sex?" My mom asked, her voice shaking.   

"We're obviously being careful," I answered without really answering, nodding toward the bag. "How did you find that? It was pretty well hidden in my room."

"Actually, it was in the back of JC's Jeep," my dad said. "Roy took it in for maintenance, opened rear door and it was like a sex den back there. "

I laughed without meaning to. It was never like a sex den in the back of the Jeep. We were always careful to put the seat back up, fold the blanket, put it under the seat and pick up any wrappers. No matter where we were, I made JC pick up every scrap and take the used condom with him. We couldn't risk our parents finding out that we were doing it at home.

"Eric." My mother rolled her eyes at my dad. "Roy said he found a condom wrapper stuck to the blanket under the seat. He kept looking and then he found the bag. He let us know because... well you're our daughter and you two are very young to be participating in such adult activities. They're probably talking to JC right now."

"We're very careful. Always."

"Listen, I don't want you seeing that kid-"

"Dad," I interrupted. I'd never interrupted my dad before but I couldn't even let him suggest that I'd be willing to break up over this. "JC and I are dating. We love each other and we aren't going to stop seeing each other. Yes, we have sex. We are careful. Obviously." My hand flopped onto the table near the bag of condoms.

"We aren't going to stop having sex just because you're mad about it. And I hope the Chasez's know that too. Please don't make us sneak around to see each other."

My dad fumed. He was angry, but cornered. I could tell he didn't know what to say. He wanted to lay down the law, but I made a good point. If we had to sneak around, we would.

"I love you guys. And I love that you're worried and concerned about me. About us. But we're doing everything right."

The chair scraped across the floor as my dad pushed back from the table. He stood, stomped away, then came back, pointing a finger at my mom.

"I want her on the pill!" He demanded, before stomping back out again, leaving my mom and I to stare at each other in the kitchen, with the bag of condoms as a centerpiece.

The next day, the ride to school was tense.  Well, JC was tense. I thought it was kind of funny.

"My mom is pissed," JC said.

"Why?"

His eyes left the road briefly so he could glare at me. "Why do you think?"

I grinned. "Cause we're fucking in the backseat of the car they bought you?"

"It's not funny, Angie."

"Okay, sorry."

Silence for a few moments, and then, "So are you grounded?"

"Nope. You?"

"No. But my dad lectured my ear off about birth control and STD's and AIDS and shit. Like I don't know about that stuff from health class. And like you're the kind of girl to have STD's."

"Right. It's not like I'm Stacey Rodriguez or anything. I can't even imagine what she has. She'll fuck anybody."  JC didn't answer. He stared at the road ahead and chewed on the inside of his lip. "I have to get on the pill," I confessed.

"Really?" He glanced at me and I nodded. "Do you want to go on the pill?"

I shrugged. "Doesn't matter to me. I was going to ask about it anyway. Now I don't have to.

"Does that mean we can stop using condoms?"

"Uhm. I don't know. Maybe? But we should make double sure, in case the pill doesn't work."

"Yeah."JC nodded but sounded slightly disappointed.

"So... I guess we kinda got off easy."

"Yeah." JC inhaled a deep breath and sighed, then glanced at me with his usual gap toothed smile. "Guess we did."

That year and the following summer was busy, full of school activities, games, plays, and beach parties. We both spent extra time with our families and let things settle. We had the rest of our lives to be together, we told each other. If we needed to sacrifice a little time to reassure everyone that we had our heads on straight, that's what we would do. It wasn't long before we were back in their good graces and we could resume our evenings at Lake Conway.

I didn't think it was possible to be more in love with JC, but every day, every time I saw him or talked to him, I realized how deeply I felt for him, how close I felt to him, how all I wanted was to be with him. I learned so much with him, explored so many things with him, felt so safe and taken care of with him. In my mind, nothing could destroy that.

The beginning of our senior year was full of excitement and promise. Fall meant Homecoming and spring meant prom and graduation. JC and I were already talking about our plans after graduation-I was going to stay in Orlando and he decided to stay too, maybe go for a Computer Science degree and work with his dad. We would still be doors away from each other and we could ride to classes together. Eventually, maybe the summer after our freshman year, we would get jobs and a small apartment near campus. We talked about the future nonstop. The only thing standing in our way was this last year.

Homecoming was a huge event at Clark High School. Our football team was undefeated the prior season and hadn't lost a homecoming game in ten years. Spirits were high for the game and the dance, held at the Orange County Country Club, a swanky, high class establishment. Nick's dad had a membership, so sometimes we could go over in the summer and swim and play tennis. I liked pretending there was a distinct possibility that I could ever belong there.

Morgan and I had gone shopping and picked out awesome dresses. Mine was black, sleek, strapless with a slit up the side that stopped mid thigh. I bought a pair of shimmery heels that made my legs look like they belonged on Cindy Crawford. My mom helped me flatiron my hair and do my makeup. I was flawless, and proud to say so.  This was going to be our last Homecoming Dance at this school and we planned to make it count.

JC arrived right on time in a black suit, baby blue dress shirt, skinny tie with blue pin stripes and black shoes buffed to a high shine.  His hair was shiny and bouncy, combed back into stylish waves.

"Hey. You look great," he said, his eye roving from my hair to my feet and back up. "Really great."

"Thanks," I said, blushing. Crazy how he still did that to me. "You're so handsome! You look really good."

"Thanks. My dad had to help me tie my tie."

"It looks good," I said, giving him a peck on the lips, which my mom and Karen insisted on getting a snapshot of.

Our moms must have taken an entire roll of film before we made our escape, climbed into the Jeep and headed toward the Club. The parking lot was already crawling with cars, girls tip toeing across the pavement in long flowing dresses and guys strutting proudly, yelling jokes and names at each other. I heard the thump of bass coming from the inside of the club. The beat matched the thump of my heart as we made our way inside.

The decorations were festive and bright. A disco ball spun in the center of the room, shooting out sparks of light. Couples were already mid floor, dancing, laughing and talking. A few people were gathered around the punch bowl, waiting for a cup. There were rumors that someone planned to spike the punch, so the bowl was being guarded by the Guidance Counselor.

We met up with Morgan and Nick and danced our hearts out. JC sweated all the way through his shirt, having shed his jacket early on. Morgan and I headed toward the ladies room to freshen up. After using the facilities, we met up at the sink to wash our hands and fix our makeup.

"Did you guys get a room for tonight?" Morgan asked. 

"No," I said, frowning into the mirror. "JC has to work tomorrow. He thought it would be better to work this weekend because he's taking prom weekend off." I dabbed a little powder on my face and pulled out a tube of lipstick. "But he doesn't work till like 10 tomorrow, so I think we're going to sneak up to the lake for a little bit."

"Oooh.... bow chicka bow bow," Morgan teased, snagging my lipstick before I could apply it to my lips. "I like this color. You think it would look good on-"

A door slammed open behind us and we both turned to see who was making such a commotion. Ugh. Stacey Rodriguez, my junior high nemesis stepped out of the stall.

She stepped around us to pump soap into her hands, lather and scrub them under the spray of cold water. Morgan and I ignored her, chatting away and fixing our makeup. I grabbed the lipstick back from her and applied a thick coat, then blotted with a paper towel.

I snapped my clutch closed. "I'm ready. Are you?"

"So ready," Morgan said, tossing her paper towel in the garbage, narrowly passing Stacey on the way out.

"Hey, Angie," I heard behind me. Against my better judgment, I stopped and turned around.

"Yes, Stacey?"

She wore a lace dress that was nearly see-thru and barely covered her ass. She had gained some weight and was trying to carry off fat as ‘shapely and sexy'. It wasn't really working.

"How do you like my handiwork?" She asked, ripping a towel from the machine and rubbing her hands dry.

I stared at her, confused. "I don't follow. What are you talking about?"

"Uh, your boyfriend?"

"JC is my boyfriend. Has been for a long time and I know you know that. So?"

She sighed, tossed the paper towel into the garbage and teetered her way over to me in four inch stiletto heels. "I heard you bragging about going up to the lake tonight. Probably to fuck. I mean, that's why he and I used to go there."

"Excuse me?" I was starting to see red, but trying not to show it. Morgan grabbed my arm, I imagine just in case I felt like slapping her.

"Oh, he didn't tell you how he heard about that place? Didn't tell you who took him there first? Who taught him all the fun, sexy, dirty shit he knows how to do? He didn't, did he?"

"Uh...." I shook my head. "You're a fucking liar. He's only ever been with me, Stacey. Ask him yourself."

She chuckled then her lip curled in an angry sneer. "I don't have to lie, sweetheart. I fucked JC in the 8th grade and believe me, he was a virgin. I had to cut him loose, though; he was getting too attached. So then he came after you. You ask him yourself.  And if you like what you're getting, you owe me a nice big thank you for his skills."

I wanted to vomit at the idea of JC's mouth being anywhere near Stacey's snatch. And then my mouth.  

I started to back away, make my way out of the bathroom before I really did slap her. People were filtering in and out; albeit slowly so they could eavesdrop. Stacey has a huge mouth so she may as well have been telling the entire school that she fucked my boyfriend.

Before me.

I left her behind and walked right into JC, who standing outside the restroom. "Hey, someone said there was something going on over here. You okay?"

Stacey came barreling after me, yelling something that I didn't catch.  I wound my fingers between JC's and turned around to face her. "Ask him. He'll tell you. He's only ever been with me."

"Stacey, please don't," said JC.

A slow smile crossed her face. I can only liken it to the grin on that evil little monster, The Grinch That Stole Christmas. "You think your sweet JC is so perfect and would never lie to you, but... surprise! If he told you that you were his first and only, he lied. He was with me first."

I rolled my eyes at her and glanced at JC but instead of seeing indignant anger in his face, I saw something else. Something I didn't like. Something that looked like guilt and shame.

"JC... is this true? Were you really with her first?"

He licked his lips and tightened his fingers around mine. "I need to talk you..."

"About what? How you've been saying all this time that I was the only one you'd been with and you were with her like a year before me?"

JC looked pained, so helpless at that moment. I didn't blame him for being as scared as he looked.   "The thing is, Angie...I never actually said that-"

I sucked in a lungful of air in complete shock and pulled from his grasp. I had distinct memories of the exact opposite. "The fuck you didn't! The first night-"

"Angie! Shhhhh!" He grabbed my arm and tried pulling me away from the growing number of people standing around. "Let's go talk. I'll explain."

I yanked my arm out of his grip and stared at him. Hard. I wanted him to feel every ounce of anger that was coursing through my veins. He looked so uncomfortable. I didn't care.

"Are you saying to me that I wasn't your first? For anything? Everything we did together, you did with her first?"

I will never forget the look on his face. Helpless. Near tears. Desperate. He shook his head slowly, reaching for me. "Angie... baby, please. "

"Oh. My God, JC." I couldn't get away from him fast enough. I backed up until I hit the wall and couldn't go any further. And then I began to sink to the floor.  JC kneeled to try to help me up, but I didn't even want him touching me. I smacked his hands away.

Smirking, and apparently satisfied, Stacey swished by, hips swaying and heels clicking.  "I win," she said, as she pranced past us-me on the floor, JC on his knees. "Enjoy my sloppy seconds, Angie."

There was no enjoying the rest of the night. I was disgusted. I felt like throwing up. It shouldn't have been such a huge deal, except it was. It meant everything to me to be JC's first. I thought I was.

It was killing me to know that first of all, I was wrong. About so many things I was wrong. Namely, about this man... this boy I was in love with. Thought I was in love with. On top of everything, I was second to Stacey. A battle I thought I won long, long ago had been quietly raging. She was right. She won the war.

My stomach flipped and churned at the thought.

I made JC take me home. The ride was twenty minutes of JC talking and me not saying a word. He wanted to say something, but didn't think it was that big of a deal. He knew it meant a lot to me and didn't want to take that away from me. Please don't be mad at him, he didn't think about it.

He considered me his first.

"No wonder you could lie to me so easily. You lied to yourself!"

I got out of the Jeep, slammed the door shut, stomped up the front steps and through the front door. My parents were still awake, watching TV in the den. I heard my mom rush behind me as I ran up the steps to my room.

"Angie? Back so soon? Did you forget some--Angie! Evangeline Nicole, I'm talking to you! What happened?"

I wanted the tears to wait until I was well inside in my room, face down in a pillow so no one could hear me.  I made it as far as the top of the stairs, where I tripped over the hem of my dress, landed on my knee and collapsed in a sobbing mess.

Attempts to make me feel better were a complete waste of time.   Morgan would come over, sit with her arm around me and let me cry and scream and vent.

"I gave myself to him, you know? My whole self, my whole body. What a waste."

"Not a total waste. You guys had some really good times."

I glared at her. "Based on a lie! A total waste."

She shrugged me. "Maybe, maybe not."

"How is it not? He wasn't being brave and bold and exploring new things for the first time like I was. For all I know he was reliving his time with..." I retched, like I was going to throw up. "Her."

"You know that's not true. He was with you for three years. He chose you. Don't you think you're more important than... her?"

"I want to be, Morgan. I really want to be. But when I think about it, I'm not." I looked at her, the tears welling again, my nose growing bulbous and red again. "She got to be the first. She got to be the special one and she didn't even deserve it. She took away what should have been mine. Now I feel like just another girl. I don't feel special at all."

JC called, sent letters, left flowers and candy at our doorstep. Every day, something new showed up. I was throwing them away but my mom got mad, saying he was spending good money on me and the least I should do is talk to him. He was the last person I wanted to see, but getting my mom off my back was important to me, so I told her to tell Karen to tell JC to come over.

He looked... bad. Probably about as bad as I looked. His hair was disheveled and dry, his curls frizzy and flyaway. His clothes sagged on his body and he was pale. His eyes were red and swollen. I wanted to feel sorry for him, I really did.

I really wanted my heart to go out to him, and to see him and think that being mad at him was stupid. When I saw him, I wanted to throw things at him. I wanted to vomit. I wanted to die.

He came in and sat at our kitchen table. I sat across from him and stared at the wood grain and waited for him to say something. He was quiet for a minute. Then, in a grainy, gritty tear worn voice, said, "I'm really sorry, Angie."

I swallowed back tears, but said nothing. He kept talking. "I know you're mad at me and you have every right to be. But I was with you because I wanted to be with you. And I'm sorry I didn't tell you about that time with her... I didn't think you would go out with me if you knew about her."

My eyes flicked up to his. Gorgeous, deep cerulean blue orbs that I loved. Used to love. "You are right. I sure wouldn't have. I don't go out with boys that have fucked Stacey Rodriguez."

"I know," he said softly. "I really did want to be with you. I always wanted to be with you."

"Then why weren't you with me? Why were you with her? Why did you do that stuff with her first? Practice?"

"No... I don't know. I... she just...I don't know. I was still getting up the nerve to ask you out and I thought you didn't like me like that and she... she just... we were hanging out, and...." He shrugged. We all know what happened next. The same thing happened with me and JC.

"It's not even that. It's that you let me think I was special to you-"

"You are! You always have been. I love you so much... please..."

"And then you let me waste all my firsts on you."

I couldn't control the venom in my voice. I had nothing but hate for the boy that sat across from me. I didn't even know him anymore. "I can't... I can't do this. I don't want to be with you. Or see you. Or talk to you or hang out with you. I used to think you were the most awesome guy, but..." I shook my head as tears fell from my eyes. "You're just like all the other guys. And I hate that about you."

I got up from the table and tried, very hard, to forget the look in his eye as I said those words. Despite everything I've said to him since, I think those words hurt the most.

JC worked double time, over time to get me to forgive him. He showed up in places he knew I would be, still tried to hang out with Nick and Morgan and I but it wasn't the same. If I knew JC was going to be there, I wouldn't show up. I started spending a lot of time with Morgan. JC and Nick became closer, because I hogged Morgan like a selfish brat.  

And then one day a month or so later, he gave up. The calls and letters and emails stopped. He no longer dropped by to drive me to school-I rode with Morgan and Nick. He ignored me unless he was forced to speak to me. There was a giant invisible wall between us, one that neither of us was willing to climb.

JC's plans for after graduation changed. What was keeping his grades up was me, forcing him to study for tests, helping him with his homework. His new girlfriend didn't give a shit about his grades apparently; they dropped so low that the administration threatened to keep him from graduating. He just barely skated out of high school with a passable GPA.

He ended up going to Rollins because his admission to University of Central Florida was put on hold due to his senior year transcript. He spent a year there and was finally allowed to transfer.  

As near as I can figure it, JC has spent the last... lifetime, it seems... making sure I see him every day. Maybe it's his way of reminding me of what we used to be, what we used to have, what I was missing out on.  Maybe he thought he'd stick around just in case I changed my mind. 

Was it a mistake to break up with JC? Sometimes I think... yes.  I feel a little like I created this monster. And maybe I could make the monster go away by un-making that huge mistake. I was an emotional teenager; we are prone to fits of senselessness.  

But... then I think about Stacey Rodriguez. How he let her tell everyone I was enjoying her sloppy seconds. How he let me think I was something special to him, that we shared something special that no one else had with him...and I ended up just being another notch in his bedpost.

And I think about all of the women since then. Was he making up for lost time?

And the kind of work he does. The clients he represents. His penchant for earning a buck, no matter the personal cost.

And the man he is; a man that is so different from my sweet JC. 

A sick taste sits at the back of my mouth and... I just can't do it.