“Is she awake?” 

“Hmm… no.”

“Is she dead?”

“What? No!” 

“Are you really really sure?” 

“Yes, Lacie, I’m really, really sure.”

“My hamster died.”

“He did. But, he went to Heaven.”

“My friend Parker’s fish died. He went to heaven in the toilet.” 

“That’s just how fish get to heaven. They have to swim there, and not everyone can be near the ocean. So they send them in the toilet.” 

“If Mommy’s dead, can she go to heaven in the toilet? Mommy knows how to swim.” 

I held it in for as long as I possibly could, but the laughter finally escapes and I can feel the tears running down my cheeks. I cannot believe how much I missed them. 

The bed shifts and a moment later, the wind is knocked out of me when a tiny body collapses on top of me. I instinctively slide my arms around her and hold her tight, smiling at the sweet giggle she lets out. 

“Good morning sunshine…” 

She grins up at me and I’m blown away by how much she’s changed in three months. Her face has thinned out, I swear she’s at least 6 inches taller, she’s speaking more clearly… she’s growing up. Way too fucking fast. 

And I’ve missed so much of it. 

I quickly blink back the tears and force a smile. I do everything in my power to keep those thoughts locked away, because as soon as my mind starts on that train, it’s gonna be a downward spiral. 

“It’s Daddy’s birthday.” Lacie states matter of factly, her nose centimeters from mine. “Pancakes.” 

In a flash, she leaps off the bed and skips through the room, singing “pancakes” in every tone, voice, and volume she can possibly think of as she makes her way down the stairs. 

Justin shakes his head before crossing the room and easing down on the edge of the bed, a warm smile spreading across his face. “Welcome home, dear.” 

“She spends too much time with you.” I mumble as he brushes the hair out of my face. “You’re the only other person I know who’s that excited in the morning.”

“Well, I am going to choose to take that as a compliment and fix our daughter some pancakes before she burns this place to the ground.” Justin kisses me quickly and stands up. “Take your time doing what you need to do… dinner isn’t until tonight, so you’ve got the entire day to chill. Lace knows how this all goes.” 

He heads from the room and closes the door softly behind him. I know this is the routine. These were the decisions we made almost five years ago when we found out I was pregnant. It’s not new. 

But every time I come home… I can’t help but feel a distance. Justin couldn’t be more loving and supportive if he tried… I know I’m the problem. 

We found out I was pregnant at the start of a European tour. After the complete shock had worn off, I hauled ass back home, determined it was still early enough that I could safely complete the tour. So, that’s what I did. 

I came back home at 5 months pregnant, and didn’t go back to work until Lacie turned one. The sleepless nights, post partum depression, stress and confusion were hard but that first year was just so incredible. It was the three of us in our own little bubble. We got to bond in a way that I’m sure most families would absolutely kill for. 

But. There’s always a but. 

But there’s a reason we were able to hide away in becoming parents for a year. And after a year, that reason came calling. 

After the tour in Europe ended, the original plan had been to start writing and get back in the studio right away. The label and everyone was so great when I told them I wanted the time off to start our family. But I also knew that would only last so long. Because at the end of the day, it’s business. 

So… I went back to work and that’s kinda been it these last few years. Justin isn’t as hands on with the day to day at the label and made the decision to be a stay at home dad 85% of the time. Fortunately for me, it’s clearly what he was born to do. 

Besides that whole multi-talented, world renowned pop star thing. 

Literally from the second this child was born, Justin just knew what to do. It came so naturally to him and it blew my mind. Granted, I knew he’d spent time around his brothers as infants and I had zero experience to go on, but it was even above and beyond that. 

Lacie could be in near hysterics, and Justin’s mere presence would calm her. He could pack a diaper bag and be out the door in ten minutes, whereas, it would take me two hours to get myself and the baby ready, and I’d still be late. He just knew what to do, and he was so good at it. 

It took me awhile, but I caught on. Just when I finally felt like I had the mom thing down… it was time to leave the amazing little bubble we’d created. 

That’s not to say the last three years of my career haven’t been amazing too… because they have. Once the original lineup of The Ledge had completely changed, I was able to buy everyone out of their rights to the name and music, retain the name, rebrand as Madison Fox and The Ledge, and I was off and running. The split was totally amicable, thank god. Sure, I know all the shit that’s been said and the rumors… but none of it’s true. 

I never relapsed. I never slept with anyone in the band. Although, in hindsight… I totally had a girl crush on Stella and always will. There wasn’t any fighting over money, or spotlight, or credit. None of it was that complicated. It was just life. 

Benny got married and wanted to settle down. Shocked the hell out of me, but it happened. Last time I saw him, he and his wife had settled in Denver with their three kids. 

Ryan wanted to start a metal band. Wasn’t a major surprise to me after working with him for so long and knowing he’s just as much of a music whore as I am. He’d planned to just step away for awhile, but the band really took off, and that was the better creative outlet for him. They’re actually on tour in Japan, at the moment. He even came to a show in Germany a year or so ago. 

Stella. Stella, Stella, Stella. It’s gotten easier to talk about over the last several years, but it will never not shatter my heart. It’ll be 8 years this summer, and all I can say is that cancer is a mother fucker. 

We found out when we finished the last actual The Ledge album. The promotion and tour was planned, and Stella being the bad ass she’s always been, refused to cancel anything. We had the absolute most wonderful doctors and care team on the road, and she did great for awhile. By the end of the tour, the cancer had spread, and we could see the toll everything had taken. Sometimes, I wonder if cancelling the tour would have bought her more time, and then I feel so fucking guilty for giving in and letting her go through with it. 

But, then I think about who Stella was. How much she loved the band, and touring and the fans, and music. If there’s anything on this earth she’d have wanted to go out doing, that was it. We lost her six months after that tour. By then, Ryan’s band was doing well, and Benny was planning his wedding. 

I’m not so sure the three of us could have gone on without her, honestly. It just wouldn’t have been the same. 

I finally muster up the energy to roll out of bed and wince when I stand up. The joys of getting old as shit… coming home from tour has you sore for a minimum two weeks. 

40. I’m gonna be 40 fucking years old on May 17th. Ugh. 

I grab the first leggings and sweatshirt I can find, throw them on and make my way down the stairs. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear I just walked into an all girls daycare center. Dozens of pink and purple toys are littered throughout the house, books on tables, sippy cups strewn about… a random observer might question if adults live here at all. 

She’s beyond spoiled, I know. 

I find her seated at the table, happily eating her breakfast and kicking her legs back and forth. Kids and their complete refusal to be still blows my mind. How does any living being contain so much energy that they have to be in constant motion? 

Kids are fucking weird. 

I wouldn’t trade her for anything on the face of this earth, but she definitely wasn’t part of the plan. Sure, we’d tried for quite awhile after we got married, but after two years with not so much as a scare… we started seeing doctors. Having struggled with shitty periods all my life, it seemed I just wasn’t quite normal in that department, and we could keep trying, but it was “highly unlikely.” Second, third and fourth opinions all confirmed it. 

So, we accepted it and moved on. We were happy together, we had the dogs… a baby would have been an amazing bonus, but we weren’t going to let it ruin our future. If it was meant to be, it would have happened. 

Funny how the universe always knows what it’s doing. 

We stopped trying, and bam… next thing I know, I’m hugging the toilet everyday for two weeks. I finally broke down and took a test, and the rest is history. 

“So… what’s the birthday agenda?” 

“Well…” Justin shuts off the faucet and dries his hands before turning to face me. “I figured we’d just chill around here for the day… we’re meeting everyone for dinner at 8, and Lace is spending the night with Nanny… then we’ll come home and crash.” He smirks at me, one eyebrow arched. 

There it is. The look. 

The look that has had me losing my fucking mind for the last 16 years. 

The look that he knows gets me. Every. Single. Time. 

I swallow the lump in my throat and nod. “So-s-sounds good.” I manage to sputter out. 

He grins and crosses the room before planting a quick kiss on my forehead. “I missed you so fucking much.” He breathes in my ear and a chill runs down my spine. 

Have I ever mentioned how much I love Justin’s birthdays? 

**********

I slide out of the car behind Justin and follow him up the walkway to the front door. He must have had the housekeepers specifically scheduled while we were at dinner, because I can already see the place is spotless.  Justin opens the door and I can’t help but smile. The house is dark with the exception of the soft glow of the candles scattered throughout the house. 

I feel his arms slide around my wait from behind as he places a kiss on my neck, then rests his chin on my shoulder. “I’m glad you’re home.” 

“Me too.” I turn to face him and slide my arms around his neck. “Happy Birthday.”  

In an instant, his lips are on mine and he pulls me tight against him. No matter what was going around us… this has always been how we connected. As cornball as it sounds… there’s always been something different in the way he touched me. The chill that runs down my spine when his fingers brush my skin, the way every part of me melts when he kisses me… even during the times I tried to convince myself I hated him… the moment he touched me, I knew I was just lying to myself. 

Justin is the other part of me. Always has been, always will be. And Lacie was the last piece of our puzzle. 

I’m not sure where the next few months are going to take us… but there’s no one on earth I’d rather go through every bit of it with, than my husband and our gorgeous little girl.