Bat your eyes girl
Be otherworldly
Count your blessings
Seduce a stranger
What's so wrong with
Being happy?
Kudos to those who
See through sickness
Yeah
Whenever my father sets foot in the perimeter of space that has been deemed 'mine' you know that it's something big. He didn't knock, not that I would expect him to, but when my door flew open to reveal Edward marching into my bedroom I was a little shocked.
After about two minutes of him not saying anything I'm afraid someone may have died. You see, my father likes to spend as little time with me as necessary, he doesn't just hang around like this. Any situation involving me, well, my dad just wants nothing to do with so this is highly unusual. Maybe my mother finally drank herself to death. After all, if given the choice she would always be the bearer of bad news. She just loves that sort of shit. Anyway, this is really fucking awkward and I wish he would hurry up and tell me what the hell is going on so he'll leave and I can go back to sleep. I was up late last night on the phone.
He's pacing back and fourth a bit like Danielle used to when she was pissed off at me, except she never wore Armani suits just for the hell of it. I think my father may sleep in a suit. I can't be sure though, he never comes home at night.
When he finally turns to look at me, I'm sure he's finally gonna talk but he just looks at me with disgust. Like I'm some vile creature wasting air and space or something. So what if it's three in the afternoon and I'm still in bed? It was my birthday last night.
Oh right, he doesn't acknowledge that.
I just want to go back to sleep so I break the silence. "What?"
For an alright-looking old man he sure can make an ugly face. "I don't ask a lot of you, Cosette."
I hate that tone. It's like that fake voice he uses when he tries to act like a semi-parent, and I know I've done something wrong. And he won't be able to act even remotely like a father for more than that sentence, I'm sure that took some serious effort. I just know the raging is coming. In 5...4...3...2...
"You better not be sleeping with that tabloid trash!"
My mind goes blank and I'm instantly confused. That was not at all what I was expecting and I'm positive it shows on my face. Neither of my parents have ever taken an interest in what I do as far as dating or anything goes. Secretly I've wondered if my dad would pimp me out to his friends if he could get away with it. Old men check me out a lot, it's gross.
I haven't responded yet and obviously to Edward that is just unacceptable so he thrusts what looks to be today's paper in my face, a big picture of Justin leaving our club on the page he's turned to. After wiggling it in front of my face as if I'm some kind of idiot who didn't see it in my face the first time, he pulls it back and begins to read from what is no doubt the gossip section. "Justin Timberlake was spotted sans girlfriend Cameron Diaz at Club Marc in New York City on both Saturday and Sunday night in the company of a mystery girl. The two were seen looking quite cozy on Sunday evening sharing drinks into the wee hours of the morning."
He just stares at me and I don't say anything. I already know what happened.
"Do you have any idea how much it cost me to keep your name out of that article?" His face is flaming red and I'm a little afraid. He gets like this with my mother and it never turns out good.
"I'm sorry," I whisper, knowing it won't be anything to him. The sentiment doesn't mean much to me anymore either, it just might keep me from getting hit.
"Let's just get one thing straight," he snarls, pointing his finger in my face. "You're eighteen now, and finished with school. I don't owe you anything.”
He pauses for a moment, maybe to contemplate on how to make me feel even more like shit. If at all possible, his voice is even colder when he continues. “You do as I say, or I'll throw you out so fast you won't know what hit you."
Tears are rolling down my cheeks, not because his words hurt but because I can't believe this is my life.
"You will not embarrass me by fucking around with those kinds of people! Haven't you done enough to me?"
The torrent of "I hate you"'s and "You ruined everything"'s that usually follow don't come and he storms out slamming my door so hard a nearby frame falls slanted on the wall. It's a picture of my parents and I when I was a baby, when they pretended they were happy. Lydie is in the background. She was before my mother, and she was the one who really ruined everything, but you could never tell my father that.
Even with my father's terrifying rant I can't help but be grateful that he prevented my name from being printed. What if they had said my age, as they so often do in those stupid articles--and what if Justin had somehow seen?
I know it's sort of ridiculous for me to be as attached to Justin as I already am. You would think that the certain circumstances in my situation would cause me to be sort of distant or whatever, but I'm not. At least, I don't think I am. I just want friends, really.
I guess I can call Justin a friend. About ten minutes into my ride home last night he called the number I gave him to "make sure it was correct." I still can't believe I actually gave him my phone number, I don't usually ever do that and plus it was like inviting trouble but I can't take it back now.
We talked about random shit for awhile, but then he started asking me personal questions again. I wish he wouldn't do that. I haven't known him long, but its so easy to talk to him when he's not trying to make me tell him things I don't want to. It's so annoying too because he doesn't want to know the truth, even though he thinks he does, if that makes any sense at all?
Since I wouldn't budge, he decided to give me his life story in its entirety, no Cliff's Note's version here. I'm not sure why he felt compelled to do this, but I suspect that he thought that maybe I would give up some info in return. He was also fairly smashed, which was funny to listen to. I usually hate drunk people, but I guess he's one of the few who make it seem fun. Maybe it's people like him that make people like my mother want to drink, always looking for that good time. It turns out though, by the time he was done with his long winded speech he had to go to bed to catch a flight early this morning. It was nice to just listen to him though, I didn't have to think about anything bad.
I kind of wish I was him. Is that wrong?
I wish that things didn't have to be so fucking complicated, that I could just tell the truth every once in a while or something. I wish I hadn't lied to him. I just know he wouldn't give me the time of day if he had known I was just a teenager. He wouldn't give me the time of day if he had any idea of the mess that is my existence. He'd say, "Wow, you're pretty fucked up-- see ya." And that'd be that. He'd be just like everyone else.
So what am I supposed to do? The truth doesn't work, so you lie. That's all.
I think I'll call Danielle.
She woke in the morning
She knew that her life
Had passed her by
She called out a warning
Don't ever let life pass you by
* * *
I love planes. The slightly muffled sound it gives to just about everything is amazing when being confined in a small space with a pissed off female. Cameron and I aren't doing so well, in case you didn't know. I always promised myself I wouldn't do this, hold on to the last threads of a long damaged relationship, but I really don't like hurting people. The world may think I'm an arrogant ass, but I do care about people besides myself.
Really, I don't even understand the issue here. We're not in love anymore. I don't think Cameron even likes me as a human being anymore, not that I blame her. I'm not liking myself too much right now either. I think it's that territorial “He's mine, Bitch,” thing that women have in their DNA.
I tried to kiss Cosette last night. I didn't succeed, she wouldn't let me, but I got some neck action kind of by accident. Being drunk is no excuse though, I wouldn't let others use it as one so I'm not that big of a prick to say the rules don't apply to me. The whole idea of cheating is what I hate, you know, thinking of ways to be with someone else when you shouldn't be. That was me last night. Thinking of ways I could get someone who's not my girlfriend to kiss me.
As if that whole deal wasn't bad enough I had to go and call her last night. I think I bored the shit out of her but whatever. I can't wait to see her again.
Next time I might not even feel guilty.
I suggest we
Learn to love ourselves
Before it's made illegal
When will we learn
When will we change
Just in time to see it
All come down
Those left standing
Will make millions
Writing books on ways
It should have been
* * *
That went well.
It's been like fucking two minutes and Danielle is already fucking in love with her life over there. The weather is beautiful, the people are nice, everything is just fucking peachy! I was hoping she would say she hated it and she was over there miserable just like me. I don't even think she misses me.
Since I hung up the phone about five minutes ago I've been sobbing like a two year old. I know no one's in hearing range so I don't really care that I'm being obnoxiously loud and I probably look like hell. No one will see me.
After the huge Daddy meltdown I wanted to do what I've always done, run to my best friend. She always understands. But today I couldn't, and not 'cause shes on the other side of the country. Danielle was just so happy, and I couldn't ruin it. From the minute she picked up the phone I could hear the cheer in her voice that she had been missing working with me. It must be hard to be happy when the only person you're around is so miserable all the time. Maybe that's why no one likes me, I'm just a downer.
The more I think about it the more I cry so I try to block it out. I know I should be happy for her, and the idea does make my sobs soften a bit. I really shouldn't be so selfish, my life's not terrible. Danielle always used to remind me that it could be worse, and I guess it could. I could be in a field somewhere sobbing and alone and that would be worse. Taking a deep breath I wipe my eyes and try to calm myself down. Looking at myself in the mirror I can't help but laugh at my reflection. I get really blotchy and stuff when I cry and my eyes look all swollen, with makeup running down my cheeks. Not to mention my roots are horrendous. I make a mental note to make an appointment with Rita at the Salon and begin to wipe the mascara from my face.
Then my phone rings.
She woke in the morning
She knew that her life
Had passed her by
She called out a warning
Don't ever let life pass you by
The Strange by sofia
Author's Chapter Notes:
Sorry for the wait, I was on vacation!
Chapter End Notes:
song credit, Warning by Incubus
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