Early the next morning, Justin was the first to wake and when he felt Kiki’s warm soft body molded against his. A lazy, but content smile spread across his face and he tightened his grip around on her waist, burying his face in her riot of hair. Even after their vigorous activity last night she still smelled so good, he thought, as he inhaled her scent. His hand slid down and back up her hip, and across her belly, where he rubbed soothing circles over her skin. Memories of the night before flashed behind his closed eyes causing a shot of lust to go through him and his hands began to inch down below her belly button. However he froze when one particular memory hit him and hit him hard.

Unlike her, he may not have verbalized it, but he had professed his love for just as loudly last night. The words had been on the tip of his tongue but he just couldn’t get them out. In the end, it didn’t matter if he said he loved her, he still felt it. He was in love with Kiki. And that scared the shit out of him.

A part of him had seen it coming, but he chose to ignore it. He wasn’t really in love if he didn’t admit it right? Well last night a little slip of paper gave him no choice but to face how he truly felt about her. At first he was ready to spill his guts, but even before she had stopped him the words had gotten stuck in his throat. All the same, she understood what he was trying to say and there was no pressure coming from her to divulge his feelings, something he thought would only make him vulnerable. Even better she was in love with him too and getting caught up in the moment, they ended up sharing an incredible night together making love. Now in the light of day voiced or not, the love he had for her was out there, it was a fact. They loved each other. And he couldn’t handle it.

Slowly he removed his arms from around her waist and scooted away from her. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he scrubbed his hands across his face as a sense of dread came over him. He couldn’t do this, he wasn’t ready to expose himself and fall blindly in love again.

Feeling the absence of his warmth, Kiki started moving around. She rolled over and scooted closer to him. It interrupted his musing and he turned to look at her. She had such a glow of beauty and serenity on her face it made his heart skip.

He reached out and traced the curve of her cheek with a finger. God I’d be so blinded by you, I’m practically there already.

She made everything calm and soothing when his world was stressful and chaotic with just one of her bright smiles. She understood him, listened to all his venting even when it was just bullshit whining. He could always count on her to be there when he needed comfort or when he needed a reality check. He chuckled softly at the thought of how just one of her sideway glares had the power to straighten him right out wherever he stepped out of line.

Kiki was perfect for him, too perfect. He never felt more content just being with her, loving her. And that was the problem, he’d been deeply in love before and he got burned, bad. If he felt so much more for Kiki, how much worse would the damage be when she too burnt him?

Without move the bed or making too much noise, he stood up and quickly got dressed. He felt like the lowest asshole just leaving her as he walked to the bedroom door, but he couldn’t face her when he knew he was about to break her heart. He felt like he was suffocating in this room and he had to get out just so he could breathe and figure out how he was going to walk away from her. He went back to the bed and leaned over her, placing a soft kiss on her cheek.

“I’m so sorry Baby Doll.”

He turned his back on her and left the room, then the suite, breaking his own heart knowing that was the last time he’d be truly happy for awhile, if ever.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Not long after Justin left, Kiki arouse. She no longer felt him curled around her and opening her eyes, she saw that his side of the bed was empty. Running her hand along the sheet, she felt the warmth the space still held so she guessed he was in the bathroom. She listened for the sounds of the shower running or the toilet flushing, some sign of life in the other room, but heard nothing. She got out of the bed and went to investigate. With the top sheet wrapped around her body, she opened the door and found it empty. The only other place he could be was the living room and she came up empty once again when she checked there. She sat on the edge of the bed clutching the sheet to her chest, feeling panic creep inside of her. Justin wouldn’t do that to, he wouldn’t trash a more perfect night than she could have dreamt by just leave her like she was nothing.

No he practically told me, he wanted to tell me he loved me last night. He wouldn’t use me like that.

She vehemently chased the thought from her mind, refusing to believe he would hurt her in that way. She knew him better than that. “He’s probably at the gym or had a meeting that he forgot to tell me about. Everything’s fine.” She pep talked herself.  He’ll call me or come back soon.

Instead of dwelling on, in her mind the impossible, Kiki got up and went to take a shower. It would help relax her, not to mention soothe her deliciously achy muscles. She smiled to herself as she thought about last night and prepared for her shower.

When she came out of the bathroom, Justin was still missing. She wasn’t going to worry over it though because nothing was wrong and she went about getting dressed.

While she was putting on her top, a jingle from her cell phone sounded through the room. It was a voicemail, apparently left while she was in the shower and thankfully it was from Justin. Almost giddy with relief, Kiki opened the message:

Hey Baby Doll. Sorry I wasn’t next to you when you woke up. I totally forgot about this early morning interview Johnny scheduled for me. You’ll probably be at the arena by the time I get back to the hotel, so I’ll see you at rehearsal. Okay? Bye baby.

A smile stayed on her face as she listened to the message. “I knew he didn’t just leave me,” she said to the smatter of doubt that had been lingering. He had work to do, the only thing that ever pulled him away from her. He sounded fine, no regret what so ever in his voice. She had nothing to worry about.

Kiki was finished dressing when her voicemail alert went off again. It was another one from Justin and she was elated even more. He could never call her just once. Nothing had changed, everything was still the same. Only better.

Hey it’s me again. Last night was…..amazing. I’ll never forget it….See you later.

He sounded so at ease about their night together and it only made her happier. She finally found a good one. A real one who wouldn’t break her heart.

Collecting all her stuff, Kiki hurried out of the suite, never had she been more anxious to get to rehearsal.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Justin was the last to arrive at the arena and the crew was already there harmonizing, tuning up or warming up. When Kiki saw that he had finally made it, she quickly finished her stretches and bounced over to where he was talking with his keyboardist, Kevin. They were just ending their conversation when she reached him and she tapped on his shoulder.

“Hey.” She said with a big smile plastered on her face.

He turned to her and smiled back hesitatingly. “Hey.”

“I missed you this morning.” She grabbed the end of his shirt and leaned into him, a dreamy glint in her eyes. As much as he wanted to he couldn’t ignore that look on her face or the whole glow she had going on. It felt good to know he put that look there. “How was the interview?”

And just like that, that good feeling was gone with the reminder that he had lied to her. When he got into the elevator after leaving her, the thought of her feeling used and hurting when she woke up in the empty suite with no sign that he had ever been there, was physically painful for him. He had to leave her a voice mail at the very least. But there was no interview, just the first lie he ever told her. He may be making her happy right now, but he knew sooner or later he’d have to be the one to cause her pain when eventually he would have to tell her the truth. Shaking off his misery because he wasn’t ready for that to happen today, he lied once again. “It was fine.”

“Well that’s good.” He just nodded and that struck her as strange. He always had something to say, complain, or whatever about his interviews. Taking a moment to really look at his whole demeanor, she could tell something was off about him. “Are you okay?” That fear she had this morning was back again.

“Yeah I’m fine just a lot on my mind.” Pat yourself on the back man, the first thing you’ve said to her today that wasn’t a lie.

“Oh.” She said, relief washing over her once again. “We can talk about it at lunch if you want.”

“Uh I can’t. I got call Johnny about the interview then.” And you’re back to lying.

“Oh ok.”

“Yeah we actually have to talk about the next leg of the tour too. I have so much to do before we go overseas. I’m going to be swamped with work.” Excuses were pouring out of him now. They weren’t lies per se, but they weren’t full truths either. This busy streak that was coming up was nothing new, he had them sporadically all during this first leg yet he still managed to make time for her. Now he needed time away from her and using work as an excuse was a lot easier and less painful than tell her the truth.

“Oh yeah I can only image all the work you have to do.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Well I’m always here if you start getting stressed out.” She was flashing that damn smile at him again and offering up her never-wavering support. He felt like shit. He didn’t deserve that smile or her loyalty. Still, as selfish as it was, he was going to soak it up for however long he had left.

Reaching out he stroked the side of her face with the back of his hand. “Thanks Baby Doll.” He leaned down and softly kissed her cheek. Kiki closed her eyes and savored the touch, it was his first show of affection towards her since last night. So simply yet so heartening.

And still too much for Justin, he felt like a thief drawing that kind of warmth from her and he suddenly broke the kiss. Pulling back, he cleared his throat from the tightness he could feel building in his chest. “Uh I need to go talk to Marty before we get started.”

“Ok.” She smiled wearily until he left, then her smile fell. “Ugh.” She groaned to herself, covering her face with her hands.

“You ok?” Alex asked in concern when he saw her distress.

“Yeah I’m fine.” I just feel like a stupid clingy girlfriend. Get a grip Kiki. She put on a fake smile back on and finished getting ready to work.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

After rehearsals that day, Kiki decided to give Justin some space so he could concentrate on work. She’d gone back to riding her bus and sleeping in her designated room.

At first it made things a lot easier on Justin. He wasn’t going to just cut her off so soon after they shared such an emotionally charged night. Not only would that be heartless, but selfishly, he couldn't let Kiki go. Not yet. So the distance gave him time to start winging himself off of her. Rehab of sorts. But like with any dependency before a person kicked their habit, they fell off the wagon every now and again. He’d flirt and push up on her during rehearsal breaks or seek her out backstage; looking for attention that only she could give him. Calling her in the middle of the night asking her to sneak up to his suite because he needed or just wanted her.

And faithfully Kiki was always right there for his disposal. Oblvious to what was going on in Justin's head, it wasn't some big sacrifice for her. He was the man she loved and if she could she wanted to do whatever made him happy. It wasn’t like she wasn’t getting anything out of it also. The separation wasn’t a picnic for her either.

The beck and call nature that their relationship had twisted into only made Justin feel worse. He was already lying to her, now he was basically using her, string her along when he knew that he was going to call off their relationship. He started pulling away again, it wasn’t fair to play games with her when she was so trusting and giving, all the while being blindsided. The flirting while at work stopped and so did the late nigh rendezvous. It was harder for him to stay away from her or not pick up the phone just to hear her voice, but he gathered his strength and did what he felt he had to do.

Kiki assumed it was just a really busy time for him and went with the flow of his complete absence once again. Meanwhile, she had work, her friends to keep her preoccupied and it gave her time to touch base at home more often.

“Do you have enough clean underwear hijita? Do I need to send you some?” Nina once again went through her embarrassing inventory of her daughter's belongings. “Your father wants you to remember to be safe if you’re out there being all wild and crazy.” Kiki rolled her eyes at her father’s constant worrying over her. It drove her nuts sometimes, but she still loved her Daddy.

“We’re barely standing without you.” Kevin joked dryly when she did her monthly check in.

“Mamí and Daddy are driving me crazy!” Maya ranted to her. She was basically the only child now with both Kiki and Derek on the road and despite her unfounded middle child syndrome, all the extra attention she was getting from their parents was getting annoying.

Tami regaled about hers and Maya’s adventures on the LA clubs scene with their new hangin' crew. “Ok here’s the situation - I’m in love with Joey but I completely love JC too. We are having so much fun just hanging out. That break of yours needs to hurry up and get here so you can get in on the fun. You are going to love going out with them. And me, you, and Marissa have to get together and find a girl for Josh quick cause the little skanks he’s got running around him are not cuttin’ it.” She already had plans set up for the whole two weeks Kiki would be back in LA.

“I am seriously freaking out right now Kiki. I think he’s going to ask me to marry him. He’s been talking in terms of the future, like long term 50 years old and gray kind of future. I’m going to say yes, there’s no doubt about that but its still scary knowing Trent might be planning to ask me to marry him. Oooh I’m so happy.” Marissa gushed about her wedding plans she had started already in the wake of her suspicious.

Kiki loved talking with her friends and family, finding out that they all were doing great, but she was starting to miss Justin.

Killing time backstage with Gina and Ralphie, the trio walked into the green room where catering has left a snack bar. Excitement spread through Kiki when she spotted Lonnie and Eric getting their fill of the assortment of food. If they were here then that meant Justin had finally arrived and she went looking for him. She ran into Marty and Brandon on her way and they told her he was on stage, messing around with the piano. As she neared the threshold between the back and main stage, she could hear him playing the melody of Never Again. She wondered why he was playing it, it was such a sad song and wasn’t even on the set list. She moved forward, stopping when she was standing behind him.

Justin heard her walking across the stage before he felt the heat from her body hovering at his back. It brought his mood down even further, but he continued to play the song. He had to; it kept his mind focused on his reasons for why their relationship had to end. Never again could he let himself be vulnerable and crash and burn like he did before.

The song ended and he closed his eyes trying to ward off the mix of agony and longing that washed over him when her hands rested on his shoulders. He had to end it, he could do it right now, but he didn’t want to. He didn’t want to leave her.

“Hey.” She said softly.

“Hi.”

“I love that song, but I gotta tell ya its really sad. Are you alright?” I’ve been asking him that a lot lately.

No. I’m not because part of me wants to hold on to you as tight as I can while the other wants to run from you as far and as fast as I can. “I’m fine.”

“Okay.” She replied, not believing him for a second, but if he didn’t want to tell her then she wouldn’t force him. Besides interrogating him was not her motive right now. She had other plans for the two of them.

“Well I know one thing for sure - you have been very busy lately. I haven’t even seen you in the past few days. I think you deserve a break.”

“Do you?”

“Yes.” She loosely wrapped her arms around him and rested her chin on his shoulder. “How about I ride on your bus with you tomorrow morning? I can keep you company, we could talk.” Her mouth coming closer and closer, she insinuated with whisper in his ear, “or whatever,” her warm breath caressing him.

Justin closed his eyes and swallowed hard when she started kissing at the side of his neck. It felt so good, but it couldn’t continue. He grabbed her hands and gently unwrapped them from around his chest.

“I wish I could baby, but I gotta get on a flight back to LA tonight and I won’t be in Okalahoma until the day of the show.”

“Oh.” Her face was crestfallen and it gutted him. He hated knowing he disappointed her plus he was just as lonely for her as she was for him.

“I’m sorry.”

“That’s okay. Some other time then?”

“Of course.” He quickly stood up from the piano bench. “Listen I gotta go find Trace to make sure all our travel arrangements are still straight.”

“Yeah okay.” 

“Alright I’ll see you later.” He pecked her cheek and left the stage in a hurry.

“Bye.” She quietly said to herself, alone in the huge arena, feeling like something was very wrong.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

Kiki was standing in line at the Hilton gift shop waiting to pay for her chips and soda, and looking through the funny keychains on display next to her. The person in front of her finished up his purchases and it was her turn at the register. Taking her focus off the trinkets, reflexively her line of vision went straight ahead through the gift shop window. She was just about to turn and approach the counter when a familiar body walked by.

“Justin?” She could have sworn that was him, but he wasn’t supposed to be in town till tomorrow night.

“Excuse me Miss. Do you want to buy those?” The cashier asked as Kiki stood there in a daze.

“Um.” She stuttered, glancing between the exit and the woman. “Yeah just um hold on a minute.” She dropped the items on the counter and left the shop.

Coming around the corner leading to the elevators, she saw Justin waiting in front of the doors.

What was going on, did he have a change of plans, was his business in LA cancelled? If so why didn’t he call her so they could hook up? She needed to know what had happened.

“Justin.” She called out as he was stepping into the car.

He heard his name being called and quickly faced the open doors. Thinking some fan had spotted him and regretting forcing Lonnie and Eric to give him some alone time at the hotel bar, he braced himself for a scream or being charged at. His eyes searched the lobby and fell on Kiki standing in the middle of the floor looking at him with confusion written all over her face. Their eyes locked and recognition set in before her confusion deepened when she read the guilt in his eyes.

It seemed like forever before the elevator alarm signaled its last call, but it didn’t stop them from staring until the doors shut and the revealing moment was cut short.

Standing still in the middle of the hall, Kiki’s mind was racing, she was so confused. He had seen her, there as no question about that, but what she didn’t understand was the blatant guilt on his face and in the slump of his shoulders. There was only one reason why he would be feeling guilt about being somewhere he said he wouldn’t be.

Her face screwed up even more in disbelief. “No.” She muttered to herself and shook her head as the reason bounced around her mind. She didn’t want to believe it, but there was only one way this could all add up to make sense. He lied to her. When he said he wouldn’t be in Oklahoma till tomorrow it was a lie. He wouldn’t have looked so guilt if his business had been postponed or something. And he would have called her to let her know so they could finally spend some time together. At least that’s what she assumed he would have done, just like she assumed he would never knowingly lie to her. It was starting to looks like she was wrong about a lot of her assumptions where Justin was concerned.

Kiki never went back to the gift shop, instead she went to her room to think. Thankfully Tori was out for the night. She sat on her bed completely lose in her thoughts. She was close to going back out there and hunt Justin down to get some answers, but that came off as stalkerish and desperate to her, so she stayed put. Besides he was the one who lied, he should come find her and explain himself. And not just this apparent lie he told and God know how many others, but the past few weeks of their relationship too.

Something was so off about him lately. At first she thought it was just stress from the tour, especially with the second leg approaching. He had even told her so, but since when did being stressed out lead to him lying and avoiding her? He’d been stressed out for almost the entire tour and usually he was right there looking for her to vent to or her favorite, looking for a cuddle. She loved knowing she was the one he came looking for when he needed relief. He was just as much a source of comfort to her whenever she was feeling homesick or just needed someone to hold her. It had been awhile since she felt Justin’s arms around her as they sat around his suite or on his bus.

A wave of fear enveloped her when she thought of how things had changed between them. She hadn’t wanted to admit it before but it was obvious now that Justin was slipping away from her. She knew something was up, she was just too worried that he would get defensive and shut down on her if she pushed him to talk to her. Now she knew he was hiding something, this lie of his proved that. A part of her wished she was still blissfully ignorant because she didn’t know how to fix this. The ball was in his court. She needed, no deserved, to know what was going on. They were in a relationship together, they loved each other and he should be able to trust her enough to tell her what was going on with him. She wanted an explanation and she was going to stay in her room with her cell nearby until he called or came by with one.

Kiki fell asleep waiting for an explanation that never came.

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

“Yeah.” Justin called to whoever was knocking. He was finishing getting dressed and when he looked up to see who have come in, he stopped.

Kiki was standing against the closed door, hands behind her back, a dismal look graced her face. She had been waiting all day to get some time alone with him. Even though showtime was minutes away, she wasn’t about to have another restless night, stressing over his lies.

“What do you want?” He looked down needing to break their eye contact and began messing with the buttons on his shirt that needed no adjusting.

“You know exactly what I want.” She said steadily, even though inside she was scared to death to find out how this conversation would end. Something told her it would not be a fairytale ending. “Why did you lie to me Justin?”

Instead of answering, he just turned his back on her and continued to fiddle with his clothes in the mirror. Pressing the collar of his jacket and straightening out his cuffs, anything to keep himself as detached as possible from this confrontation. This was it and he wasn’t prepared at all.

Kiki fumed at his blatant disregard for her. “Hello! Are you going to say anything to me?” She pushed off of the door and walked to the middle of the room.

She was an arm's length away from him now, yet he still wouldn’t talk and kept his back to her. How was he supposed to tell her that he had been pushing her away and lying because he needed time to prepare himself to end their relationship? What could he say: I want you, I need you, but I can’t be with you? I can’t trust that you won’t be like the others and break me too.

He didn’t want to tell her those truths when it would only lead to him losing her. He knew his head was all fucked up over this, neglecting and lying to her wasn’t going to lessen his chances of losing her. He couldn’t be with her, but at the same time he didn’t want to lose Kiki from his life.  It was an impossible situation and he wished he could just turn back time to before their emotions had gotten so deeply involved. Then he wouldn’t have to worry about getting his hear broken again or breaking hers.

“You could start with an apology.” She continued to seethe. Even though he wasn’t saying anything, she was going to say her piece no matter what. “Then maybe an explanation, something. I mean you’ve been distancing yourself and blowing me off ever since-“ She stopped abruptly when the answer struck her. He’d been acting differently since they made love for the first time, since before he almost….

Justin couldn’t do this, sit here and listen to her demand answers he did not want to give her. Answers that she was now starting to figure out and would soon, cause her nothing but pain. He didn’t want to hurt her. God, he wanted to be one of the people she knew would never hurt her. That wasn’t possible anymore and he had to get out of the room before he could cause her anymore heartache. He quickly turned around, keeping his gaze to the floor as he bypassed her to the door.

He had the door open and was stepping through the walkway when Kiki spoke up.

“I love you Justin. And I know you love me. But if you have so little trust in me that you feel like you have to push me away and worse, lie to me. When you know I understand how you feel and would never force you into anything. Then I don’t know how we’re going to make it.”

This moment was so bittersweet for him because it was like the final nail in the coffin. She was in love with him yet he still had to walk away from her before he fell anymore in love with her, leaving him completely at her mercy.

His back stayed to her for the seconds that he hesitated before he walked straight out of the room without acknowledging her at all. The door shut and Kiki dropped onto the coffee table.

“Oh God.” She breathed and covered her face with her hands, silent tears sliding down her cheeks. She felt so helpless, what was she supposed to do when he didn’t trust her? They were falling apart right in front of her eyes and she couldn’t stop it. Justin was still dealing with his demons and until he resolved them, they were stuck. She was willing to stand by him before, but now he was lying to her. She was not about to sit back and let a man treat her like he didn’t have enough respect to be truthful with her. Still she loved Justin and wanted to be with him. She was at a crossroads, stick around or walk away, and she didn’t know which way to turn.

“It’s showtime everyone!” A stage hand shouted through the hallway startling her out of her brooding.

Wiping the tears from her face, Kiki stood up on shaky legs and went over to the vanity mirror. She inspected her face, making sure all signs of her tears were gone, luckily her eyes weren’t red or puffy.  In the end, only the sadness there remained and it was much more telling. She had to burying those emotions right now, it was time to play the part, so she breathed deeply and put on her happy face before she left the room.

Standing next to Justin at the entrance to the stage, waiting for the music to queue, Kiki kept her eyes forward, trying to put all her focus on the show. For the next two hours she would have to acknowledge and interact with him, but at this moment she was going to block him out. That wasn’t so easy when out the corner of her eye she could see him continuously glancing at her.

Thankfully the band started playing and it was time to put on their game faces and get to work.

Hours later, Kiki walked off stage physically and emotionally drained. For the first time on this tour, she had a hard time performing, even harder than when they didn’t get along. She had to fight to keep up a pleasant appearance and ignite that chemistry that usually came natural when she and Justin danced. Never in her life had she had to work up the desire to dance, all the joy seemed to have been suck out of it. Justin didn’t appear to be that into his performance either, he was so lethargic, like it required some great effort to pull off the show.

She just hoped it wasn’t noticeable.

“That better have been a one time only performance cause you two were horrible tonight.” Marty met up with the duo on their way to the dressing rooms. He wasn’t scolding them, but it definitely wasn’t the praise he usually gave them.

Briefly Justin shot a worried glance in Kiki’s direction, which she ignored. “Sorry man, it was just an off day for me.”

“Yeah sorry Marty. My mind was on other things.” She looked directly at Justin. “It won’t happen again.” She promised and quickly moved around both men, disappearing into the dressing room.

“We’ve got 5 more weeks until break. Don’t lose that momentum.” He patted Justin on the back breaking him out of his revere.

He had been thinking about those things that were on Kiki’s mind, like all the shit he’d been putting her through lately. The way he walked out on her right before the show, he could only image what she was thinking about him. He couldn’t avoid her or lie anymore and sooner or later there would be another confrontation between them. And there was no question it would be the last, they’d be over after that. How many weeks, days even, would there be before that came?

“Yeah I know. Five weeks.”  A break from the tour, from his personal hell, felt like months away rather than weeks. How was he going to be around her for 4 more months after that? How was he going to pretend everyday when he saw her that he didn’t love her, need her, without losing it?