Kiki’s last trimester had begun and quite frankly, she was having the time of her life. She loved everything about being pregnant, but she couldn’t wait for her baby to be born. The first time she heard her baby’s heart beat and saw its little body on the ultrasound she cried so hard on her mother’s shoulder. She’d never felt such a pure rush of happiness that made her life so peaceful and complete. Then there was the first time the baby kicked. It was like a horde of butterflies fluttering in her stomach, so weird but at the same time she felt such a connection to her child then, it made it all seem so real. Considering the circumstances behind her pregnancy, she was so relieved that she wasn’t depressed, but joyous and overall very emotionally healthy.
Physically she wasn’t doing to bad either. At first she worried that she wasn’t gaining enough weight because her stomach wasn’t getting as big as she thought it would. Her doctor assured her that she and the baby were perfectly healthy. She joked that Kiki was just carrying a runt and probably wouldn’t see a great gain in abdominal growth. As long as the baby was fine, Kiki could care less how big she got. She definitely wasn’t the type who was miserable during her pregnancy because she felt fat or ugly. It was quite the opposite, she loved her pregnant body and she never felt more beautiful or feminine with her perfectly round pot belly. For Kiki being pregnant “ motherhood - was a badge of honor that she wore proudly and with a glow.
All around life was good. Her career was thriving; she still had loyal friends and family in her life, but most importantly a healthy baby on the way. She was basically living in a little bubble of bliss.
Unfortunately the same intruder that invaded her happy place every once in awhile started butting in more and more especially when his face was popping up left and right. Justin’s popularity had skyrocketed and he was everywhere; on TV, the radio and every magazine cover. Most of the time she was good at ignoring it, but there were some days when it drove her crazy…..
As tradition Kiki and the girls were out having lunch together, but they were also using the time to do some last minute wedding planning. Marissa’s instinct had been on point about her suspicion that Trent was going to propose. He asked her to marry him the day after she called Kiki in a panic. Now their wedding was set for next month, in March. All the girls were in the wedding party, even Kiki who would be close to popping by then.
Maya and Tami were seated at a table on Luigi’s terrace when the bride to be and the mommy to be arrived.
“Hey honey. How are you feeling today?” Tami asked once Kiki eased herself down into her seat.
“Ugh. I’ve been nauseous all day.”
“You’re still having morning sickness?”
Marissa snickered knowing full well Kiki’s condition had nothing to so with the side effects of her pregnancy. Her bout of nausea had started in the morning when the mail man delivered the club’s mail.
“Oh no it’s not morning sickness. I saw the latest issue of US Weekly.” For a split second, she smiled sarcastically and then her face dropped into a deep scowl.
Interrupting Kiki’s tale, the waiter came to the table to deliver the drinks and garden salads that Maya and Tami had already ordered for them all. Once he left with their lunch orders, the conversation restarted.
“Ooh yeah I saw that. Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz.” Tami winced.
Maya's fork stopped mid air to her mouth. “Wait they’re seriously dating now?”
“Yup. I guess their little meeting at the Euro VMAs went well cause they’re together now and in like every magazine sucking face.”
Maya sneered at Marissa’s commentary. He certainly didn’t wait long to hook up with someone new. God she despised that man for what he did to her sister and the baby. He was further proof that men were scum.
“While having a lovely time in beautiful Hawaii.” Kiki gushed with a phony over exaggerated tone. Was she slightly jealous? Yes. Would she ever admit it? Hell no. Picking up her fork she stabbed a cherry tomato in her salad. “He makes me fuckin’ sick,” running around living it up like he had not a single care or responsibility in the world. “Sometimes I wish I was a spiteful bitch so I could tell the world how much of an asshole he really is.”
“Let karma be the bitch Kik. She gonna get him good one day.”
“Thanks Tami Tam.” She sighed, coming down for her burst of anger. “Ok I don’t wanna talk about him anymore. He’s yucking up my aura and she’s gonna start kicking me if I get too upset.”
“She?” Maya perked up at that. Was she going to have a niece?
Kiki grimaced. “Shit.” She wanted it to be a secret and let everyone find out when the baby was born.
“You’re having a girl?” Both Tami and Marissa had looks of awe on their faces waiting for confirmation.
“Yes. It’s a girl.” She relented.
“Oh!” All three girls started squealing and bouncing around in their seats. They had themselves a little girl to pamper and groom into the next generation of chicas. They quickly went off on a tangent about all the little girl things they could do with her and buy her. Kiki watched them with a smile and a shake of her head, her baby was going to be spoiled by everyone around her.
“She is going to be such a cutie.” Marissa declared.
“Not necessarily. Kiki’s pretty and sure Justin’s hot, but he’s got a nose on him and I can’t picture that being cute on a baby girl.” Tami scrunched up her face at the thought. For Justin, as a whole his nose fit his face and added to his look. That may not work out too well for the baby.
“God don’t I know it. I’m praying she does not look like him because if she comes out with his nose, I swear we are going to the closest plastic surgeon.”
“You’re gonna have a lot more to worry about than what she looks like cosmetically if she comes out with that nose.” Maya pointed out. “It’s a dead give away. The world would know who fathered her like that.” She snapped her fingers.
“Oh… I didn’t even think about that.” Kiki frowned and then scowled for the hundredth time today, only directed at her sister this time. “Thanks a lot Maya.”
“Hey I’m just being realistic. It is a possibility.”
“Yeah well maybe she’ll look like me and no one will ever find out.”
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
A few weeks later, Kiki was eating those words when someone new discovered that she was having Justin’s baby. In fact it was the one person that she worried the most about finding out that she was pregnant.
“Kiki?”
For this past month, she’d been experiencing a crazy craving for Hazelnut steamers and brownies from a café called Spout, in downtown LA. Her lunch break was almost over and she was on her way back to work after getting her fix when a familiar southern drawl calling her name, stopped her. She turned around to see the same blue eyes she had been trying to forget, staring at her from Lynn Harless’ face.
A part of Kiki shut down. This was not happening “ Justin’s mother was not standing in front of her pregnant self. Maybe she wouldn’t notice, she was wearing (and ignoring the pun) a baby doll dress. Kiki prayed she wouldn’t notice. Snapping out of it, she swallowed thickly. “Oh Hi Ms. Lynn.”
“I thought that was you, how are you honey?”
Lynn caught her off guard when she pulled her into an unexpected hug. “Oh. Um I’m good.” She replied nervously, still engaged in the hug until Lynn stiffened. She pulled back from Kiki looking baffled and her eyes dropped down to her stomach. Kiki frantically tried to distract her from her find. “I’ve been busy with the club you know, a lot of people are coming in to get in shape for the summer.” She was babbling, but it wasn’t doing a damn thing to take Lynn’s focus off for protruding stomach. For a second, she thought about running away, but when Lynn pulled her aside to a secluded area of the café. She knew it was time for a reckoning.
“Kiki are you pregnant?” She couldn’t look at her and that made Lynn even more suspicious. “More importantly are you pregnant by Justin?”
She had been a witness to her son and Kiki falling for each other and then she watched him buried himself in work after their sudden break up. When she first found out that about the split and Kiki’s departure from the tour, she questioned him. It had never been easy for her son to open up about his feelings. He used his music as his outlet, so she wasn’t that surprised or offended when all he said was “we broke up. Its over, that’s it Ma.” She left it at that, he’d tell her when he was ready. But still she couldn’t believe that what looked to be a promising relationship ended so abruptly. During her visits after the relationship began, they seemed so perfect together. As much as she wanted to know what happened to make her son so unhappy, she didn’t push for answers. Maybe they didn’t fit as well after all, but looking at Kiki right now she saw the possibility of another reason.
Kiki knew she couldn’t lie to Lynn, she could never lie to a parent whether it was hers or not, but she had to hold on to this secret now more than ever. “Mrs. Harless…” It felt so wrong to call her “Ms. Lynn” when she was about to lie to her face.
“Tell me the truth Kiki. Don’t lie to me.” She interrupted with that stern motherly tone making it that much harder for the lie to pass through her lips. “You are, aren’t you?”
Kiki tried again, looking off to the side instead of the floor, but still not at Lynn. “Mrs. Harless….” She started with a voice on the edge of tears and was interrupted again.
“Kiki if you are carrying my grandchild I have a right to know.”
She finally looked her in the eyes and a tear dropped down her cheek. Justin may be able to lie to his mother, but she couldn’t lie to this woman, her daughter's grandmother. Unable to use her voice, she nodded her head in affirmation.
“Oh my God.” Lynn coved her mouth in shock. “How could the two of you keep this from me? That’s my grandchild, my first grandchild. How could you do something like this? I know you and my son aren’t together anymore but…” She trailed off, angry and hurt over this deception.
“I didn’t. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, the pregnancy wasn't planned, but I wanted to keep my baby. I…I...” Of course Lynn had no clue about Justin’s choice not to take part in his child’s life. How could she tell her the truth without pointing the finger at him? Not that he deserved to be protected, but she didn’t want to cause any problems between mother and son.
Lynn’s mind was turning circles trying to find a reason why her son would keep a secret like this from her. Then it struck her. “Does Justin even know about the baby? Did you tell him?”
Kiki was grasping at straws so she used her question as an outing. “No he doesn’t. I didn’t tell him.” She would rather have Lynn mad at her than know the truth. If she did, no doubt she would confront Justin and even worse, probably try to use her position as his mother to make him be a part of the baby’s life. She did not want that, she wanted Justin to step up to the plate because he wanted to. Forcing fatherhood on him would only lead to resentment towards the baby and Kiki was not about to let that happen to her child. So for her little girl, she would take the blame.
“You can’t keep something like this from him, it’s his child too. You have no right.” Lynn couldn’t believe she was capable of doing something like this. If this was the kind of person she really was then no wonder they broke up. “You are going to tell him right now. I’ll call him and tell him we’re coming…”
“No!” Kiki yelped and shut the phone closed in Lynn’s hand. “You cannot tell him.”
“He has to know, he would want to know.” She was almost yelling, trying her best not to draw any attention to them, but she needed to get through to her. “If you don’t tell him I will!” Lynn turned away from her prepared to call Justin and let him know what was going on.
“I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone.” Kiki confessed. She couldn’t hold it together anymore. This whole situation just became even more difficult. Lynn stopped with her finger poised over the send button and turned a questioning look toward her. “I told Justin that he wouldn’t have to worry about anyone finding out that he had a child. That he wouldn’t have his perfect image ruined by a kid he didn’t want.” Wiping a stray tear, Kiki continued. “Both Joey and JC already know and now they aren’t even on speaking terms with him. I didn’t want that to happen with you two. I’m sorry.” She already felt guilty about the way those friendships had suffered, regardless of the guys telling her it was Justin’s doing. She knew that, but she just couldn’t help but feel the fault lay at her feet.
Lynn was stunned. She couldn’t believe that the son she raised had rejected his own child. She knew Kiki wasn’t lying to her, it was obvious now that she had tried desperately to protect this secret. Plus her instincts about people were rarely wrong and never once had she gotten the feeling that Kiki was a deceitful person. The young woman she had grown to know and like couldn’t do something as conniving. However, Justin was her son and she would believe him over anyone else, but things weren’t looking too good for him right now. Had he gotten so caught up in his celebrity that he forgot how to be a good person and do the right thing regardless of how it affected his “image”? Thinking as one of his managers, yes, a child might change people’s views of him, but it could be dealt with in a way that would preserve his career. But as his mother and the grandmother of this child, she couldn’t let him walk away from his responsibilities and neglect his child. An innocent baby who hands down, trumped his career. She needed to get to the bottom of all this right now.
“Let me get this straight.” She pulled Kiki over to an empty table in the corner of the café and they sat down. “When you told Justin you were pregnant, he said he didn’t want it? He abandoned you?”
“Yes.” She answered truthfully.
“No offense sweetie, but are you sure the baby is Justin’s? Maybe he doesn’t think it’s his.” Everything that was being revealed to her was coming for a person she didn’t know as well as she knew her son and she wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.
“Justin is the only man I have ever been with and he knows that. But if he had any doubts he could have asked for a paternity test.” Kiki glared at her, getting mad now that Lynn had basically questioned her promiscuity. “As a matter of fact I offered, but he didn’t accept because he knows the baby is his.” She stated calmly, having reined in her anger. She had to remember that Lynn didn’t really know her and was just trying to understand the reason for son’s behavior. “He just doesn’t want the baby.”
“Then I need to talk to him and find out what the hell he’s thinking.” After hearing everything Kiki had to say, it was time to talk to Justin himself and get his side of the story.
“I wasn’t supposed to tell anyone Mrs. Harless. You can’t say anything to him.” Kiki was tired; it was exhausting keeping a secret, especially one that wasn’t hers. This was Justin’s mom; therefore, Justin’s job to tell her.
“Well you didn’t tell me. I figured it out, so you’re not to blame.” Lynn stated. “There is no way in hell I will keep quiet about this. Justin is a grown man and he can do whatever he wants in his life. Usually I don’t say anything, but not this time because it affects me. It reflects on me as his mother and makes it look like I raised him to be irresponsible. And more to the point, Justin should have told me that I was going to be a grandmother. That’s my blood your carrying and I had a right to be told.” Lynn had to compose herself because she was getting really fired up.
“This is so out of control, things weren’t supposed to get this complicated.” Kiki propped her elbows on top of the table and rested her forehead against her palms.
“Honey, listen to me.” Lynn grabbed on of her hands and held it in hers. “Don’t worry about this, it’s between Justin and me. It has nothing to do with you. I don’t plan on forcing him into fatherhood because he has to do the right thing on his own. But he kept a truth from me, something I deserved to know and he has to answer to me about that. You’re not a part of that, ok?”
Kiki nodded and released a sigh of relief, even though she couldn’t put much faith into her words. Regardless of what Lynn said she knew Justin would see it as her fault, but she couldn’t worry about that.
“Good and now I don’t want to talk about my son anymore. I want to talk about you and this baby, my grandchild.” She beamed with pride and reached over to rub Kiki’s belly. “How have you two been?”
Kiki smiled at Lynn’s obvious happiness over the baby and started telling her how the pregnancy had been going. They talked about the horrors of the first trimester with the discomfort and the morning sickness, but then the joy of feeling a life grow inside you. Kiki showed Lynn a sonogram that she carried with her and told her she could keep it because she had so many as it was.
“Do you know what you’re having?” Lynn couldn’t stop smiling as she stared at the little black and white snap shot.
Kiki couldn’t keep her own at bay, no matter what this was the happiest time of her life. “Do you want to know?”
“Yes.”
“It’s a girl.”
Overwhelmed by the knowledge that she had a granddaughter on the way Lynn started crying and so did Kiki.
Tears wiped away, they stayed seated and talked for awhile longer until Kiki took notice of the time. “Oh wow, we’ve been here for almost an hour now. I’m so late for work, this was only supposed to be a five minute stop.” She laughed.
“Paul must be wondering where I am. I should get going too.”
“I had a great time though and I’m sorry I tried to lie to you. I just…”
“Don’t worry about it honey.” They stood from their seats and started gathering their things to leave. “It doesn’t matter anymore and don’t you worry about Justin and me. If he doesn’t see for himself what a mistake he’s making, I will be extremely disappointed but that’s on him. As for me, that’s my grandbaby and I want to be a part of her life if you'll let me.” She asked hopefully.
“You are more than welcomed to be a part of her life. You have every right to be involved and my baby has every right to have her grandma around. I want her to have as much love as possible, the more the merrier.” She smiled.
They shared a hug, relieve that despite Justin’s action, their friendship wasn’t damaged and the baby wouldn’t be without her grandmother.
“I can’t wait to get home and tell Paul. He’s going to be so excited when he finds out he’s going to be a grandpa.” They walked to the exit together, but Lynn stopped Kiki for another moment. “Before you go we have to exchange phone numbers and I was thinking we could go to lunch and do some baby shopping next weekend.”
“I would love to.” They exchanged information and embraced once more time before parting ways.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Headed home, Lynn spent the entire ride switching between being thrilled about being a grandmother and angry as hell over her son’s behavior. He was definitely getting a piece of her mind when she got home.
She found Paul in the office doing paperwork and she immediately told him everything that occurred at the café.
Needless to say, he was shocked and just as disappointed in Justin. He may not be his biological father, but he played a role in raising him and in every way that mattered Justin was his son. Both he and Lynn taught him to be a man and take responsibility for the things that he did. Despite the upsetting news, there was an upside to it - he was going to be a grandfather. Looking at the sonogram, ironically, he’d never been more proud of Justin.
“Ok now that, that is taken care ,of.” Lynn said after putting the sonogram in a spare picture frame and setting it on the office mantle, on display for her to show off. Oh no…
If Justin was planning on keeping this baby a secret from her, then he probably wanted it kept from the world. Kiki did say no one was supposed to know. Truthfully, no one could know, it would turn Kiki and the baby’s lives upside down if the public found out, possibly putting them in danger. This had to stay a family secret and that saddened her. It meant she had to hide her granddaughter like she was something to be ashamed of. She couldn’t brag to everyone and anyone that she had the best grandchild in the world. Oh screw being sad, now she was pissed.
“Time to find out what the hell is wrong with our son.”
Lynn sat on the edge of the desk and clicked on the office speaker phone before dialing Justin.
“Hey Ma.”
Skipping the pleasantries, she got straight to the point. “I really would like to know what the hell is going on in your brain lately Justin. Not only am I finding out that I have a grandbaby on the way by bumping into your pregnant ex girlfriend, but even better I find out my son who I thought I raised better, has turned his back on his own child. Did I miss anything?”
“You don’t understand Ma.” Justin tried to explain as panic began to well up inside of him.
“You’re damn right I don’t. And unless you tell me that baby’s not yours then there’s nothing you can say that will make what you’ve done understandable.”
“Mom-“
“Is the baby yours Justin?”
Sighing heavily, he muttered. “Yes.”
“In that case if abandoning your child is how you’re going to handle this, then I don’t want to hear anything you have to say. I don’t think I even want to see your face for awhile. I am so disappointed in you Justin.” He knew that already, he could hear it in every word she spoke and it cut him deep. He never wanted to make his mother feel that way about him. But he couldn’t change his mind, so they were at an impasse. “I want you to know I will be playing an active role in my grandchild’s life. If you have a problem with that I really don’t give a damn. You’re a grown man, you do whatever the hell you want. I don’t care.”
“Ma I’m sorry.” She could hear sadness and fear in his voice, but she really didn’t care. He brought it on himself.
Lynn snorted a futile laugh. “I’m not the one you should be saying sorry to. I’m not the one who’s going to pay for this decision you’ve made. Your child’s not even going to pay because she has a family and more importantly, a mother who is strong and more than capable of raising her on her own. You should save your sorrys for yourself. You’re going to be the one to regret this in the end.” She sighed feeling drained and simply done with chastising him. “I gotta go I have things to do. Goodbye Justin.”
The line hadn’t been cut so Justin tried calling her back. “Ma, Ma. You have to understand I just can’t be a father.”
“Justin your mother left the room.” Paul finally spoke up. He knew his wife and he let her have her turn, now it was his.
“Dad you understand don’t you?” He was getting desperate. Though he knew he didn’t deserve it, he needed his family’s support right now. His own guilt was doing enough damage as is, he didn’t needed their disappointment and rejection adding to it.
“You’re scared.” He did know why Justin was turning his back on his child, but “that’s still no reason to neglect your responsibilities to your child. I was scared when you came into my life. I knew I’d have to be a father figure to you in some way, it terrified me, but I didn’t it anyway. And it wasn’t because I loved you mother, but because I loved you. I got to know you and you became my son. Despite all my initial fears, I never regretted you coming into my life.”
Justin heard everything his step father was saying to him, it touched him, but it didn’t make him feel any better. He still was not capable of stepping up. “I’m sorry Dad. I just-“
Disappointed that what he said made no difference, Paul interrupted him. “Like you mother said don’t say sorry to me. It’s your life Justin. Live it however you like just be prepared to deal with the consequences.”
He didn’t respond to his step father, only letting out a deep shuttering breath. Everything, guilt, sorrow and sadness was baring down on him and he had no one to turn to. It felt as though he was already dealing with some of those consequences.
“I’m gonna let you go. I have to go check on your mom.” Paul stood from his chair and braced himself on the desk, leaning over the phone. “I wish I could tell you everything will be okay, but I don’t know if it will.” There was silence over both lines for a moment. Paul wished he could say something to get through to his son. While Justin was hoping he wasn’t about to lose his parents from his life over this. “Anyway, I’ll talk to you later. Don’t worry about your mom, she loves you no matter what and so do I.”
“I love you too.”
Paul let out a disappointed sigh before he said his goodbye.
With the phone still in his hand, Justin sat at the bar on his deck, listening to the dial tone, not moving. He felt so shameful and completely lost. Everyone he loved and counted on was demanding something from him that he just couldn’t do and none of them understand where he was coming from. He knew what he was doing was fucked up, he wouldn’t feel so shitty if he didn’t have a working conscience, but the alternative that he saw was much worse. He didn’t want to hurt his baby by making himself a constant in their life and then disappearing when things got to hard on him or his work got in the way. He would not make is own child feel rejected and unloved. Kiki would be a great single mother, she would compensate for his absence and with her, their baby would never have to worry about whether she was loved or wanted.
She….His mother had said she when she referred to the baby. He was having a little girl? A little baby girl. Tears began to fall from him eyes and he didn’t even bother to wipe them. In that instance, he felt like a piece of his soul was lost and he didn’t know if it would ever be whole again. Would he ever gain the courage to fix his mistakes and stop being his own worse enemy?
His tears had dried up, but he was still in a daze, only mildly aware of the sound of laughter coming from the driveway and into the backyard.
It was Trace and Cameron returning from Whole Foods to pick up some extra supplies for the barbeque he was hosting. Climbing the deck steps, they were totally thrown when they found Justin staring into space looking almost despondent.
“Justin, are you okay honey?” Cameron asked as she sat the groceries on a patio table.
At first he said nothing and only stared at the concerned faces of his best friend and his new girlfriend. No he was far from okay and he needed to talk to someone about it. Not Cameron, she would probably dump his ass if she knew the dead beat that he really was. Trace would be pissed, but he knew everything about him - the good, the bad, the really bad and he still had his back. There was a chance he would do the opposite and turn his back on him, but it was eating him up inside, keeping all his guilt bottled up. And right now he could really use some reassurance that his mother hadn’t just disowned him.
“Um Trace.” He cleared his throat and tried to put on a composed face as he asked. “I need to talk to you for a minute about some um, some business.”
“Okay.” Trace replied slowly and to the side he shared a suspicious glance with Cameron. She may not have known Justin long, but she’d have to be deaf and blind not to know something was up.
Putting aside her disappointment that Justin was obviously uncomfortable with sharing whatever it was he needed to talk with Trace about in front of her, Cameron broke up the tension with an offer. “Um I’m just going to go unpack these groceries while you two talk.”
She walked pass Justin on her way into the house and he stopped her.
“Thanks Cam.”
She smiled. “You’re welcome.” Hopefully they had plenty of time to get to know each other and trust each other with their secrets one day.
As soon as the sliding patio door shut, Trace pounced.
“Okay what’s wrong with you man?”
Justin exhaled deeply and scrubbed his hands over his mouth. Where to start? “Uh I just talked to Ma and she’s not happy with me right now.”
“Uh oh. What’d you do? Say some dumb shit in an interview and she found out about it?” He chuckled.
“No.” He shook his head and stuttered for a moment trying to figure out how to say this. “I’m having a baby.” All signs of amusement from Trace flew out the window with his sudden admission. “I mean Kiki’s pregnant and I’m um, I’m not going to be around. Ma just found out and she doesn’t want to talk to me. She doesn’t even wanna see me.” He put his head down in shame and muttered sullenly. “What am I gonna do?”
Trace was in shock. He couldn’t believe his best friend was just now telling him he was going to be a father. It was upsetting to be kept in the dark like that, but Justin’s reaction to his new role was more disturbing. “What….What are you gonna do?! You’re telling me that you have a kid out there.” He pointed out into space. “That you freely walked away from and you’re actually asking me what you should do? What the fuck do you think you should do?! Go get you kid!” For Trace there was no question, you have a child, you man up and do what’s right by them.
On the defense, Justin lashed out. “Look at my life man! It’s so unstable, I can’t even have a fuckin’ pet! How the hell can I have a kid?! Why show up in the first place if I won’t be able to stick around.”
This was so bizarre, he never knew Justin to just give up without trying first. “You honestly believe that you can’t be father to your kid?”
“I cannot do it.” He straight out admitted. There were just too many complications and challenges he wasn’t prepared to face in this situation. Call him a punk, but he wasn’t strong enough to be a father. He’d never been this afraid and he’d rather walk away in one piece while he still could.
The vigilant fear on Justin’s face was something Trace had never seen and he knew he was deal with some serious lack of confidence in his ability to be a father. Still he couldn’t understand how he was able to bow out when he had something he always wanted out of life. Sure being a father would make things more complicated for him, but was it worth the guilt and shame should anyone find out he was neglecting his child? Thinking back, with his behavior as of lately, Trace could see that it was getting to him already. The partying and drinking almost excessively, jumping head first into a relationship with Cameron after sleeping his way through Europe’s share of groupies, now it all made sense. He was using whatever he could to bury it all, losing Kiki and now the weight of his decision. Well how the hell was he planning on coping with this decision that was no doubt going to plague him for the rest of his life? Justin was setting himself up for a very hard life.
“I think you’re making a big mistake and you should seriously reconsider.” Trace voiced his honest opinion. He in no way condoned or agreed with what Justin was doing, but he wasn’t going to leave his best friend hanging when he knew deep down that living without his child was going to kill a part of him. “Whether or not this is your final decision, I still got your back. Always man.”
“Thanks Trace.”
The two life long friends shared a supportive hug and Justin choked back tears of relief; at least he still had someone on his side.
“And don’t worry about Mama Lynn. Sure she’ll be pissed at you for the rest of your life, but she still loves you. She’ll come around.”
“Yeah, yeah.” He agreed reflexively because he wasn’t so sure about that. “Uh let’s go help Cam. The party starts in a little bit.”
Both men made their way back into the house feeling a sense of foreboding towards the future.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
After two weeks of not hearing from his mother and only getting updates on her mood from his stepfather, Lynn finally answered his phone call.
Hello Justin.”
“Hey Mama.” He answered excitedly.
“How are you?”
“As good as I can be.” He chuckled uncomfortably. He’d never in his life felt uncomfortable talking to his mother. “I’ve been keeping busy.”
“That’s good. It’s good to hear your voice.”
“It is?”
“Of course. You’re still my son, my baby.” Justin cheesed. “I am very disappointed in you, but I still love you. I’ll always love you.”
“I love you too and I hope you’re not planning on disowning me.”
She rolled her eyes. “Oh don’t be so dramatic Justin. I’d never do that, but things are going to be very different between us.” She revealed. “I’ve never forced you to do anything and I’m not going to start now by trying to make you be a father. Besides I shouldn’t have to force you to be a part of your child’s life.”
Justin stayed quiet and attentively listened. He had no grounds to stand on and contest any opinion she had on this matter.
“I think its best that we don’t discuss the baby when we talk or visit. I’m not going to tell you anything and please don’t ask me about her. You want to know what’s going on with your child, you have to find out yourself. I will not help you be some absentee parent or ease your conscience when it gets to you by being your informant.” She was making her stance on the situation crystal clear. “And I’m gonna have to ask you to call before you come over from now on just in case the baby and/or Kiki are visiting.” That was a slap in the face to Justin, he’d never been shut out of his parents’ house before. It hurt, but at the same time he was relieved about the stipulation. He could not handle walking into that house to see a miniature version of his self and Kiki running around.
“Okay.”
“Good. Now there is one final thing I have to say on the subject before we drop this.”
“That is?” He asked cautiously. What was she going to ban him from this time?
“I’ve spent some time with Kiki over the past couple of weeks and she told me that if you ever decided you wanted to be a part of the baby’s life she would not stop you. So I am praying you get some sense, be the son I raised and be a parent to your child before it’s too late.”
Justin already felt like it was too late and that there was no going back. Her prayers were most likely going to go unanswered.
At the mention of Kiki for the second time, Justin became curious as to how she was doing. Contradictory to his actions, he still cared very much for her. Hell who was he kidding, he was still in love with her.
“How is she?”
“Other than the fact that she’s happy and healthy, what happens in Kiki’s life is not my business to tell.” Lynn wasn’t about to share information on Kiki either. He would have to face her himself if he wanted to know about her or the baby.
When the conversation came to a close, it was clear to both Justin and Lynn that their relationship was on the rocks. And it would stay that way until Justin willingly stepping up to take responsibility for the life he helped create.
Now that his parents and best friend knew, Justin didn’t have the pressure of secrecy weighing down on him, but the guilt wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. He’d just have to drown it out by concentrating on his life as it was and put the baby and Kiki out of his mind. His career was soaring and things with Cameron were going very good. His life was right where he always wanted it to be, it was perfect, he had everything he needed. He was happy. Right?
