Nina, Lynn, Maya and Tami had just left for the second time after dropping off a couple of overnight bags for Kiki, Cheyenne and Justin, dinner and some snacks for later. Cheyenne had yet to regain consciousness, but her parents were still sitting right next to the viewing window, watching and waiting.
The TV was on playing some Comedy Central show that only had half of their attention, the other half was on their daughter. They didn’t talk much, only making general comments about what was happening on TV when the silence became too much. Both of them were just too lost in their thoughts.
One in particular kept coming to the forefront in Justin’s mind so he voiced it. “Do you think she’s going to like me?”
Kiki thought about her answer before she said. “I don’t think it’s a matter of her liking you, but being comfortable with you. And to be honest, Cheyenne is the type of child that if she doesn’t know you, she’s not comfortable with you.” She was being completely candid with him because she didn’t want him going into this thinking everything was going to be perfect right off the bat. “It takes her a while to get used to strangers. It’ll take some time.” Justin felt a little dejected at the notion that he was a stranger to his own child, but that was the truth of the matter. The only thing he could do to change that was become a constant in her life. “I’m positive though that you’ll be great with her and you’ll probably become her new best friend.”
He looked through the window at Cheyenne’s still, prone body wishing she would wake up soon so he could work on earning that friendship. God why is this happening to her? She’s just an innocent baby. She never deserved this or a father like me for that matter. That final thought struck him. “This is my fault.”
“What?”
“This is my payback, my karma for abandoning her. I took her for granted and I almost lost her. We almsot did.” He could feel tears burning his eyes again and his guilt suffocating him. “She wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for me.”
Kiki shook her head. Placing blame, like she’d done to herself earlier, was only counterproductive in this situation. “This was not your fault, it wasn’t anyone’s fault. She got leukemia for reasons I don’t think we’ll ever find out, but you had nothing to do with it.” She looked directly at him to make sure what she was saying got through to him.
Cheyenne had a chance, there was hope yet and she was holding on to that to stay positive. Apparently he needed a dose of something happy right now so she used her brand of witticism to lighten him up. “If anything this was your wake up call or if you prefer - a bitch slap from God.”
This was not a funny situation, but with that comment and the teasing grin on her face, he couldn’t stop himself from laughing and she joined in with a giggle.
His laughter down to a chuckle, he answered. “You’re second interpretation is pretty good.”
Their giggles were ignited once again and it felt good. Still this was a serious topic that they had to talk about.
“It’s true though. I mean think about it - out of all the people who were there from day one for Cheyenne; loving her, raising her. Not one of us was a donor match, but you were.” As far as she was concerned that in itself was a clear and cut sign for him. “She needs you Justin. She’s going to need you today, tomorrow, for the rest of her life because you’re her father.” He nodded adamantly, this was one of the things he had come to understand. “Let this whole ordeal serve as a permanent reminder of that so you don’t make the same mistake twice.”
“I can tell you now; I’m not going to need it. I’m never leaving her again.” His words were so strong and definitive that despite everything Kiki believed him. “I know now that I can face my fears or anything else that comes with fatherhood, but I can’t face a world without her in it.” Since he let Kiki walk out of his office that day, his life had been shit. It just took him awhile to admit why. “She’s a part of me, a part that I’ve missed and I don’t want to live without it anymore.”
Kiki sighed happily. “Finally.” He finally understood that he had to put all of his own shit aside and do whatever he had to, to give Cheyenne what she deserved which was the best of everything, including two parents who loved her.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry it took me so long and this situation to get me to this point.”
She smiled and grabbed his hand, giving it a comforting squeeze. “It’s okay. I forgive you and I believe that you’re not going to run away this time. But you should understand that my forgiveness really doesn’t matter. It’s Cheyenne’s that counts and one day when she’s older you’re going to have tell her the truth and get it from her.”
“Yeah I know that.” It was a fear that would linger until that day came. Would she forgive him or turn him away? Anything could happen, but he wasn’t going to think about that now or let it hinder his relationship with her.
“In that case, since you’re sticking around, be a good father to her and give her every reason to forgive-“
Suddenly out the corner of her eye she saw movement in Cheyenne’s crib. She jumped up to kneel in her seat and practically plastered herself to the window.
“What? What’s wrong?” Justin asked in a panic at her sudden movement.
“I just saw her move.”
“Are you sure?” Much like she had, he sprung up to get a better look.
“I swear to God, Justin, I saw her move.” And sure enough a few moments later they both saw a little hand grab one of the bars of the crib. “Oh God, she awake. Oh my God, we gotta go in there.” Kiki jumped off the couch and rushed out of the room. Justin followed her and caught her right before she opened the door to Cheyenne’s room.
“Wait Kik, wait. We can’t go in there. Remember the risk of infection. We have to have scrubs and stuff on first.” Justin said pulling her hand away from the door handle. “We probably should go and tell the doctor first so he can examine her.”
Kiki reluctantly agreed and followed Justin to the nurse’s station to notify them. After waiting ten agonizingly long minutes, Dr. Sabine and a nurse arrived to examine Cheyenne. Justin and Kiki watched through the window and could clearly see that Cheyenne was distressed by the strange environment and people surrounding her. Kiki couldn’t bear to see her baby so terrified and prayed the staff would hurry up and let them go to her. After the exam the doctor came into the visitor’s room to deliver the news to the anxious parents.
“Is she ok? Can we go see her?” Kiki practically attacked Dr. Sabine as soon as he walked in.
“Calm down, Ms. Lewis.” He chuckled at her eagerness. “We took her temperature and her fever has finally broken. We’re going to keep her on the antibiotic drip through the night and if things are still good, tomorrow we’ll move her to her room and start treatment the day after.” Even though Cheyenne still had a ways to go, at least she was past one hurdle. “And yes you can go see her now. She's scared so I’m definitely not going to keep you guys apart any longer and while you’re in there were going to give her a mild sedative to calm and relax her. She needs recuperative rest now, but you can stay with her until she falls asleep.” A nurse had come into the room while the doctor was talking with two sets of scrubs in her hand.
“Put these on and when you’re ready you can go right in.”
They thanked the doctor and the nurse as he left to prep Cheyenne’s medication. Justin and Kiki quickly dressed, but right before she was going to walk out of the family room, he stopped her. “Wait, wait.”
“Wait? Why? What’s wrong?” Kiki questioned.
Fidgeting and with a timidness in his voice, he said. “Maybe you should go in alone, at least at first. I’m a stranger to her and I don’t want to scare her anymore than she already is.” He explained further at her incredulous look. “I’m going to come in but after you calm her down. I just don’t want to overwhelm her.”
Kiki took a relieved breath, thinking he had been ready to back out, before she nodded, understanding where he was coming from. “Yeah, you’re probably right.” She couldn’t just throw Justin into Cheyenne’s face suddenly, especially given the shock she was already experiencing. Finesse was required for their first meeting. “I’ll go in there and clam her down and then explain you to her.”
“Alright.”
“Ok. Wish me luck that I don’t breakdown.” Kiki smiled a true smile for the first time all day and Justin return one as well. They were both finally seeing a light at the end of the dark tunnel they had been stuck in.
Kiki entered Cheyenne’s room and was greeting with the hiccupping sobs of her baby. There was a nurse standing by the crib trying her best to soothe the little girl until her mother arrived.
“Hey Pixie.” Kiki said as she warily walked up to the crib and peering in to look at Cheyenne’s tear streaked face.
At the sound of the mother’s voice and then the sight of her face, Cheyenne began to cry even harder and reached out in desperation for her. “Mommy.”
The sight broke Kiki’s heart and she scooped her baby up as quickly and cautiously as she could. The nurse helped her maneuver all the wires and tubes so she could finally hold her in her arms. Cheyenne buried herself in Kiki’s chest, feeling her mother’s warmth put all her fears to rest. Kiki cried for joy at the feel of her child close to her heart again. She carried her over to the rocking chair sitting in the corner and just rocked them as they both continued to cry in relief.
The nurse who had witness the fear this woman had lived in all day, allowed herself a few moments to watch the joyous reunion of mother and daughter. Feeling like she was intruding on a private moment she excused herself.
“I’m going to go get the sedative from Dr. Sabine and give you a few minutes alone.” She was about to walk out of the room when Kiki’s tear-filled voice spoke out.
“Thank you.” She looked up from Cheyenne’s face to the woman. “Thank you for everything you’re doing for my baby.”
“I’m glad I can help.” She smiled and then walked out of the room.
Kiki returned to staring into her baby’s face. Cheyenne look up at her mother and smiled. Kiki closed her eyes to keep the tears at bay as overwhelming joy washed over her. There were times during the past two days that she thought she would never see that beautiful smile again. She could never express how happy she was to see it now.
Next door in the family room, Justin was watching the two of them together. He never felt more relieved in his life to simply see a person awake. He was so anxious to hold her for the first time, tell her how much he loved her and swear to never leave her again. Hopefully he wouldn’t have to wait too much longer.
As they rocked in the chair and Kiki gently rubbed Cheyenne’s back, both their tears subsided. Eventually Kiki rearranged Cheyenne back into the crook of her arms so she could look at her.
“Hi babyheart.”
“Hi Mommy.” She replied as she reached up to play with the ends of Kiki’s hair. It was something she did often, the act was like a security blanket, a source of comfort for her.
“I love you.”
“Love you too.”
That voice. Kiki giggled and leaned down to give her an Eskimo kiss.
It amazed her, the amount of resilience Cheyenne was showing despite the ordeal she was going through. Instead of seeing sadness or fright, now that she was securely in her mother’s arms, there was still that happy light in her eyes. Kiki was so proud of her little girl’s strength and felt that she would be just fine with meeting her father for the first time. And her gut was telling her stranger or not, having someone else here giving her love and support would only benefit Cheyenne.
“Pixie face I need you to listen to Mommy right now.” Kiki pulled her hair out of Cheyenne’s hand so she would pay attention. “There’s someone here with me that wants to see you. Even though you’ve never met him, he’s a really important person in your life. He’s um…..He’s your Daddy baby and he wants to get to know you. He hasn’t been around until now and that’s because, because….” She didn’t know how to explain the reason Justin hadn’t been a part of the first year and a half of her life. They had yet to clearly discuss that, but she tried anyway. “Well I think he was afraid that he wouldn’t be a good Daddy for you, but now I think he’s ready to stop being a fraidy cat and be the best Daddy in the world.” Even though Kiki knew she didn’t understand, she took Cheyenne’s absentminded nod as a good sign. “He’s got some courage and he wants to come in here and say hi to you. You ok with that? He’s a very nice guy and I think you’re going to like him. So is it okay if he comes inside?”
Cheyenne nodded reflexively and reached back up for her mother’s hair. After kissing her on the top of her head, Kiki looked up at Justin watching from the next room and signaled for him to come in.
The moment was here, so confident and composed, Justin went next door. He cautiously walked over toward Kiki and Cheyenne, grabbing a spare chair from the side of the room to sit next to them.
The minute he entered the room, Cheyenne’s eyes zeroed in on him. He felt a shiver go through his body and his heart sped up at the intense stare he was receiving from his daughter. There was such a pure innocence and glow in her eyes that he was instantly falling for. An incredible mass of happiness invaded his heart and soul that he never felt before and it made him smile.
He took in her appearance “ her cute little face that did have a pixie-like quality, her full chin length wavy dark brown hair, and her familiar ears that had him reaching up to touch his. This beautiful tiny girl had the power to make him felt so insignificant in her presence, but it didn’t faze him. He understood now that she was more important than him, more important than anyone or thing in his life. He knew he would give up everything - his career, all his accomplishments, his life in a heartbeat for her. Before now, thoughts like that terrified him, but now he couldn’t think in any other way. It was like the second he looked into her eyes his whole way of thinking shifted. Without a doubt she now held the position of #1 in his life and in his heart.
This must be what being a parent feels like.
He smiled at the fact that he was parent. He still had to earn it, but it would be the best title he could ever win.
“She has my eyes.” He finally spoke up, but he was still staring into the beautiful set of blue orbs that look so familiar, yet his paled in comparison. He wanted desperately to reach out and hold her.
“Yes she does.” Kiki chuckled, remembering thinking the same thing the minute Cheyenne looked at her for the first time.
“Hi Cheyenne.” He smiled as he spoke to her for the first time.
Cheyenne stayed silent as she continued studying the new person, so Kiki tried to coax her into responding. “Pixie can you say hi to your Daddy?”
“Hi.” She said in her little high pitched voice that filled Justin’s eyes with tears. It was music to his ears, the sweetest song.
Kiki could see how overwhelmed him was by this moment, a tear had dropped from his eyes and she wanted to give him some comfort, a daughter’s comfort. “Hey Pix, do you think you could give him a hug? He would really like one of your special hugs. I think it’ll make him feel better.” Cheyenne looked up at her mother wearily. “How about it?” She smiled to assure her that everything would be alright if she did.
It was like time stopped as Cheyenne made her decision and both parents waited for her reaction on the edge of their seats. Justin felt like he was being examined for approval so he made sure nothing, but love and tenderness could be read in his appearance to the little girl.
The next thing either he or Kiki knew Cheyenne leaned over her mother’s lap and reached out for him. Justin cautiously picked her up and sat her on his lap. She was still looking up at him when suddenly a bright smile that was very recognizable to him, shown on her face. Her mother’s smile.
The surprises kept on coming when Cheyenne, instead of out right wrapping her arms around Justin in a hug, simply leaned into him until she was resting against his chest. It was as if she was saying she would only give him so much of one of her special hugs, he had to earn the rest.
Regardless, to Justin that small move was the biggest and warmest hug he could ever receive. An exhalation stuttered by happiness sounded from his mouth when she so willingly settled in his arms like it was an everyday occurrence for her, comfortable and natural. It was like balm on his heart and he pulled her closer to him.
Cheyenne let him hold her for awhile until she leaned back, and looked up at him again. “You better now?”
Kiki let out a laughing sob from her seat. Watching the two of them in this moment was the most heartwarming thing she had ever witnessed. Cheyenne was one of the most loving people she knew, but for her to react to Justin that way; she must have felt really at ease with him. This couldn’t have been a more perfect reunion. Already she could see the possibility of a beautiful connection existing between them and any fears that Cheyenne would reject her father disappeared.
The acceptance she was showing put to rest all Justin’s worries and erased all the hurt he’d been feeling for the past two years. His misery was over and he leaned down until his forehead gently touched hers. “I’m all better now baby.”
Again Cheyenne smiled brightly at him and all he could think was “ Thank you God. For the precious gift that was his daughter and his second chance. He didn’t deserve either one, but was blessed enough to get them and he was going to take full advantage. He would never fail her again.
