After over a week of consistent visits from the whole family, specifically the comings and goings of Joey and JC every couple of days, suspicion began to rise. The media had informants all over the city, not necessarily anywhere near the secure pediatrics wings, but they were definitely elsewhere in the hospital and they started buzzing. Speculations were popping up all over the place, most of them saying Justin was the one that the guys were visiting in the hospital. Especially considering he hadn’t been spotted around the city lately. There were claims that he had had either a drug overdose, alcohol poisoning, or a nervous breakdown. It was all ridiculous, but luckily far from the truth.
Of course the phones at WEG were ringing off the hook as a result and Johnny was on the hunt for Justin. But he got to him first after Extra aired a story on his “mysterious disappearance”.
“It’s about time you called me kid. What the hell is going on? Are you okay at least?”
“Yeah I’m fine. I am going to be out of commission for awhile so I need you to clear my schedule for the next 8 weeks at min.”
“That long? Shit. I’m starting to believe what they’re saying. Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I am fine. But I am at Cedars like they said.”
“Why? Is it family?”
“Uh yeah. It is, its my…um my daughter. She’s sick.”
“Your what?”
“I know, but yes I have a daughter that no one other than my family knew about. It’s a long story involving me fucking up and abandoning her, but she was just diagnosed with leukemia and I’m a donor match. It’s all been a big wake up call for me I can tell you that.”
“I don’t know what to say. I can’t believe you have a kid and no one’s found out. How old is she? When did this happen?”
“Her name is Cheyenne and she’s 20 months old.” He sighed before he added the next piece to the story, a part Johnny himself should be familiar with. “Do you remember Kiki Lewis? She was the girl I danced with for the first leg of Justified.”
Johnny searched his memory bank and it all started coming back. “You were screwing around with her, one of your employees Justin?”
“It wasn’t like that. We were dating, we were in a relationship.” We were in love.
Putting all the pieces from the past together, Johnny couldn’t believe he had missed what was going on practically right in front of his face. He could remember a number of times when he was checking on the tour’s progress, running into the pretty brunette girl. It was now obvious that he was probably just missing one of their rendezvous. There was also the flirting he’d seen between them, but at the time he just attributed it to two flirtatious personalities. Now that he knew that much more had been going on it was no wonder they had such great chemistry on stage that could not be recaptured with the dancer from the second leg. Hell it was now clear why they even had to get a second dancer for the position in the first place. His hard-headed client had gone and knocked up the first one.
“So let me get this straight “ you’ve got a kid with one of your ex dancers, that you haven’t been taking care of for over a year and a half, but you’re had a recent change of heart and are going to be an active parent now?” He clarified and Justin confirmed it all. “Why haven’t you told me about this before? I’ve know you how long kid?” As a manger this was information that should have been privy to, but more importantly, as a friend, it was news he should have been trusted to share with.
Justin could hear the slight hurt and disappointment in his voice and it made him feel horrible. Johnny was more than a manager, he was a good friend, like family and it stung to know that he disappointed either role with his failure. Just one more to add to the list. “I’m sorry. I fucked up.”
“Yeah you did. But it sounds like you’re getting everything on track now.”
“Yeah I’m not going anywhere again and me and my daughter are really connecting.”
“Good. I’m happy for the both of you.” Johnny smiled on the other line. Justin was lucky to have a second chance to be a father and he sounded like he was very happy with his new role. Hopefully he would hold on tight to that happiness through the media storm that was coming. “Its good that at least one matter is settled because you know the shits going to hit the fan when this gets out.”
“Yeah I know and I’m prepared to deal with whatever fall out there is.” Justin confidently answered.
“Sounds like you have a plan.”
“I do.”
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As much as he hated it, for about two weeks Justin played a game of tag with the media. Each day he left the hospital via their back entrance reserved for the private ins and outs of celebrities. He would spend a few hours out and about around LA, making sure he was seen to disprove the claims that he was in hiding or any of the other crazy stories the media had come up with. He even enlisted the help of his parents, Trace and to his grateful surprise when she offered her assistance, Cameron. On some days he’d go out with one of them, keeping up the guise that everything was normal in Justin Timberlake’s world.
In the meantime his publicity team was working their magic, releasing a statement that he was never a patient at Cedar Sinai for any reason (The truth). They attributed his recent absence in LA to relaxing and visiting family back in Tennessee for a week. Using some tricks of the trade they even managed to conjure up some photos of him in his hometown while he was supposedly in the hospital. As for the reason behind Joey and JC’s frequent visits to Cedars? Easy. A close friend of theirs, even Justin’s, was hospitalized (Again not necessarily a lie). To give validity to the story, Justin made a show of walking direct through the hospital’s main entrance to visiting said “friend” with a bouquet of flowers and everything in hand. What no one saw was that as soon as he got into the hospital, he used a back stairway to get to the fourth floor of the hospital and rejoined Kiki and Cheyenne for about a half an hour. Then he left the hospital the same way he came in and after losing the paps that had been following him recently, he returned to the hospital through the private entrance.
It was silly and immature lengths he had to go through to get around the media, but it had to be done and was well worth it. As was putting up with the harassment and badgering he had to go through while out in public during one of his “appearances”. In the past he would have been confrontational with the photohogs, but now, he stayed constantly aware that he had to keep his cool. Not for himself and his image, but for Cheyenne, for her safety and the sake of her privacy while she was in treatment. Both she and Kiki didn’t need any added stress in their lives right now. He had to protect them so he gritted his teeth and bore each time.
Thankfully it worked in the end. After those two weeks of putting on a show for the public, the media got tired of boring, sane, perfectly healthy Justin and moved on to his crazier, news making Hollywood peers. Ironically one of them being his ex and all her drama. He never thought he’d say or think it again, but Thank you Britney.
With that mess behind him, at least for the time being, using the private entrance whenever he left and keeping a low profile when venturing out, Justin was able to return to his daughter’s side permanently.
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In the midst of dodging the paparazzi, Cheyenne’s first round of chemotherapy treatment had started. It made for some normal, manageable days and others that were unbearable for everyone in that room.
Just as Dr. Sabine had warned, some of the worse side effects of chemotherapy started fairly quickly. There were days she was so weak and fatigued that she slept all day. When she did have an appetite sometimes she was too tired to eat, chewing and swallowing was too much of an effort for her. Of course when she did eat, what she consumed didn’t always stay down.
Cheyenne was miserable during those rough patches and her parents were at a loss, completely powerless to stop it. Before her treatment began, the mere thought of what their daughter would have to go through was bad enough, but seeing it first hand took their heartache and fears to another level. It was no surprise when Kiki snapped……
Cheyenne had woken up that day in bad shape, nauseous and exhausted and it only got worse as yet another dose of chemo was administered to her that afternoon. Justin and Kiki were barely keeping it together after basically watching poison being pumped into their child once again. The room was quiet and somber, as Cheyenne lay in her mother’s lap on the hospital bed next to her father, looking pale and completely drained after the day’s treatment was complete.
Suddenly the silence was broken by her retching. Quickly Kiki grabbed the basin that always sat next to the bed for that exact purpose, and just caught the vomit that came out of the toddler. Sitting her up so she wouldn’t choke, Kiki held her baby while Justin soothing rubbed her back and she emptied the contents of her stomach. When there was nothing left for her to excrete, she began to dry heave and cry out in pain.
“Call the nurse. She can’t take this anymore.” Kiki choked out through her sobs.
Wiping his own tears, Justin shot off the bed and pressed the call button for a nurse. It didn’t take long for one of them to come to the room and as soon as she saw the condition Cheyenne was in, she quickly left to retrieve some medication to help control her vomiting and nausea.
Once the medication was pushed into Cheyenne’s IV it took some time, too much time as far as her parents were concerned, to work. When it did she was so exhausted from the experience she passed out and Kiki fell apart.
Sobbing uncontrollably, she slid out of the bed, passing Cheyenne off into Justin’s arms and backed away towards the door. “Oh God I can’t do this. I can’t do this anymore. It’s too hard.”
Justin finished tucking Cheyenne into bed and turned around to take care of Kiki next, but she pushed him away.
“No, no.” She was freaking out with a wild inconsolable look in her eyes as tears poured down her face and he back off. “I can’t. I can’t.” She repeated over and over again, furiously shaking her head, her eyes locked on her baby’s still body. She couldn’t stand to watch her child suffer for another second.
“Kiki come on its going to okay. Come here.” Justin spoke in the calmest voice he could muster, taking nonthreatening steps towards her. All the while he was keeping his own emotions in check. They both were feeling the same painful and helpless emotions, this wasn’t the time for them to turn away from each other, but to help one another cope. Unfortunately, Kiki was feeling so tormented, she couldn’t see that.
“I can’t. I can’t. I gotta get out of here.” Before Justin knew it she whirled around and bolted from the room.
“Kiki!” He called after her, but only followed as far as the door frame. He couldn’t leave Cheyenne alone, so he helplessly watched her hurry down the hall until she disappeared around the corner. “Damnit.”
Going back into the room, Justin first called for a nurse to check up on Cheyenne. All her vitals were examined and everything came up normal. She was just suffering from exhaustion and as warped as it sounded, her passing out was a “normal” occurrence for someone under chemotherapy. Her body was going through a lot right now and it was desperate for some rest, so it took action, shutting itself down. The nurse assured Justin that once she was well rested, Cheyenne would wake up again.
He appreciated her explanation, but it gave him no amount of comfort because as soon as she woke up, she would just have to go through it again. It was a vicious cycle that was tearing his daughter, himself and Kiki apart.
Kiki.
The nurse left and he started pacing. Should he have someone come and watch Cheyenne so he could go find her or should he leave her alone to deal with this on her own? No, Kiki shouldn’t be left alone in the state she was in. As much as he wanted to be that someone who consoled her right now, he couldn’t leave his daughter, so Justin grabbed his cell and placed an urgent call.
“Hi Mr. Lewis. It’s Justin…..Not too good. I need your help.”
Within the hour all of Kiki’s immediate family was at the hospital. Justin explained what had happened to her parents and siblings, and they each ached for their daughter and sister. Kiki was the toughest Lewis of them all and to hear that she fell apart and ran away like that, they knew this situation was really taking its toll on her. They all wanted to go and find her, but there was no telling where she ran off to. For the time being the only thing they could do was wait her out.
Nina wasn’t so gung ho on waiting to find her child who was hurting and her mind was racing trying to figure out where she could have disappeared to. She was very worried about Kiki. Watching your child suffer could break anyone even someone as strong as her hijita. Ignoring the useless, time consuming conversation going on around her, Nina noted a few things, like Kiki’s purse was still in the room, meaning she couldn’t have gotten that far. She was probably still on hospital grounds, but where?
When a strong possibility hit her, she came out of her chair. “I think I know where she is.”
“Where?” Justin anxiously asked.
She politely waved off his and the others’ ready to go stance. She had to be the one to retrieve her daughter. Kiki needed her mother now more than ever.
“I’ll take care of it.” She made her way to the exit, “we’ll be back soon,” and left the room.
Those remaining relaxed slightly knowing Nina was the right person for the job and wherever Kiki was, she would bring her back. In more ways than one.
Following the directions posted around the hospital, Nina found her daughter all alone sitting in the first pew of Cedars Sinai’s chapel. Slowly approaching her, as not to startle her, she spoke up, announcing her presence. “I remember when you were four and we came here the day your brother broke his wrist. On the way out you saw the sign for the chapel and you insisted that we come in here to say a pray so God would ‘glue Derek’s bones back together’.” They both laughed lightly at the memory and reaching the front pew, Nina took a seat next to her.
She looked terrible; her face was streaked with tears, her eyes puffy and red, and worse of all was the defeated aura in her presence. This was not a good state that Kiki was in.
“That prayer work for Derek, one should work for Cheyenne too right?” She reasoned why she was hiding out in the chapel.
“You know me honey. I believe prayer cures all.” Nina quipped and Kiki snorted a laugh. Her mother wasn’t an extremist when it came to religion, but she was a devote Catholic. Kiki had been raised in the church and considered herself a somewhat religious, but very spiritual person, still not as dedicated as her mother.
“I wish I could have as much faith as you do. I wish I was as strong as you are.” She sniffled, feeling her tears building again.
Nina balked slightly. “Oh hijita, the strength you’ve shown since Cheyenne’s been here is so admirable.”
Kiki scoffed. “No. Far from it actually because here I am selfishly falling apart and running away when my daughter is going through hell.” Getting angry with herself, she violently wiped a tear from her cheek. “This is not strength, this is pathetic weakness.”
Oh no. Nina thought as she saw this completely foreign side come out of her daughter and it scared her. This was bad and was not going to fly. Not now. “Don’t you do this Kiki. Don’t you dare give up because that would be weakness and you have never been weak. You hear me?” She grabbed Kiki’s face and turned her towards her, making sure everything she was saying sunk in. “There is nothing wrong with what you are feeling. You’re a mother, your child’s pain is your own.”
Kiki jerked away from her and bound out of her seat. “Some mother I’m turning out to be.” She seethed. “I’m supposed to protect her from any and every thing, but I can’t protect her from this.” Nina watched her daughter’s anger turn to despair and it broken her heart as her words got jumbled with a sob. “She’s so sick, so weak. She’d been throwing up all day and all the while she’s looking at me for help. Like always. But this time I can’t. I don’t know how and its killing me.” Her body sagged with heartache and she began to sob thinking about Cheyenne looking so miserable and desperate for some relief. Relief that her mother was supposed to give her, but there was truthfully, nothing Kiki could do and it made her feel like a failure as a mother.
Nina watched her child, her baby crumble right in front of her, but no matter how bad she wanted to hold her and take away her pain, she refrained from doing so for the time being. Kiki needed this. She needed to finally confront her feelings surrounding this whole ordeal, instead of burying them.
“Cheyenne is going through so much and her own mother can’t do shit for her. How sad is that.” Sniffling as she wiped her tears away, a piteous defeat was taking over her and Nina decided that enough was enough. It was time for her to play mom and snap her daughter out of it before she tore herself down even more.
“Stop it. You stop this right now. You cannot do this to yourself baby.” She stood up and fiercely grabbed Kiki’s arms, shaking her slightly. “It is hard, damn near maddening knowing that you have no control over a situation that involves the safety and health of your child, but some times you have no other choice, but to leave it in God’s hands.” Nina truly believed that it was not Cheyenne’s time and she would beat this cancer. There was a light at the end of the tunnel. They all just had to keep holding on. “The worse thing you could do is blame yourself and lose hope. None, not one ounce of this is your fault and you are doing everything that you can do for your daughter. Why do you think she’s surviving, being so strong and resilient through this?” Kiki peered at her mother with a renewed hopefulness sparkling in her eyes.
Cheyenne was demonstrating a strength that was rather surprising and very inspiring. Yes she had her bad days, but the next day she’d feel better and be all smiles like it never happened.
“It’s because of you, your strength and positivity is helping her fight this disease and keeping her spirits up. That’s exactly what you’re supposed to do and you are doing it beautifully. I’m so proud of you.” Nina beamed with tears glistening in her eyes. “You have to keep this up, stay strong, but at the same time let your anger, your fears and hurt out some times. You can’t bottle it in anymore like you have been.”
Giving into the truth of the matter, Kiki sighed and dropped back into her seat. “I know that. It’s just-“
“It’s just nothing. You have way too many people around you to lean on, including Justin. And he’s the only other person who is dealing with the exact same thing you are.”
“Oh God.” Justin…. “You’re right.” She felt even more selfish now. Justin had to be feeling just as helpless and afraid. When she should have been reaching out to him so that they could both get through the bad days together, she was blocking him out and on top of everything else he was dealing with, she piled on her break down. Only an hour ago she left him high and dry to take care of Cheyenne during one of the worse days she’d had to date. “I gotta get a fucking grip.”
Nina nodded agreeably and too happy to see some of her daughter’s spark back, she held back from censoring her language. Instead she replied. “Please do.” Kiki snorted and chortled at her mother’s dig. “Give yourself a break honey. From a three time mother of 29 years I can tell you that you’re doing a great job considering the pressure you are under. For Cheyenne’s and your own sake, bring back that beautifully tough and feisty woman who’s not afraid to face anything or ask for help when she needs it.” She rallied her up and reached over to caress the side of her face. “You can do this baby. I know you can. You are an incredible person and mother and Cheyenne is so lucky to have you.”
Tears, this time of happiness, began to fall from Kiki’s eyes. “Thank you Mamí.” She smiled genuinely for the first time in days and her mother pulled her into a tight, loving embrace.
Drawing comfort and renewed strength from her, Kiki processed everything that she’d woken up to. She was in the middle of the hardest time of her life and was allowed to crumble a little. Just as long as she put herself back together again. Part of that included relying on others for some help and giving herself a little break from the pressure from time to time. She didn’t want to fall apart like this again. It wasn’t healthy for herself and most importantly it was the last thing Cheyenne needed. It was time for bad ass Kiki to come back. Out of all things in the world, she wasn’t going to let this bring down her or her baby.
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“About time you came back. We were about to send out a search party.” Derek quipped when a smiling Kiki and Nina returned to the room. It looked like their mother used her superpowers again and pulled his sister out of the depressed state Justin told them she had been in lately. He was glad to see her smiling; he hated seeing either of his baby sisters upset.
Kiki grinned at his comment and walked over to see how Cheyenne was doing. Curled up next to Justin, who had been at her side since she left, she was still peacefully asleep and Kiki was relieved that she was getting some rest after such a rough day.
“Yeah well…” Standing at Cheyenne’s bedside, she reached over to softly stroked her head. “You sent out the bloodhound so you know I was going to be found.” She teased and Nina glared at the nickname her children had given her years ago while they laughed.
Their mother always had a sixth sense when it came to her children’s location. She always knew exactly where to find them.
Feeling Justin’s concerned stare on her since she walked into the room, Kiki’s eyes finally connected with his and she was surprised to see how truly worried he was about her. They needed to talk, but first. “How’s she been? Has she woken up?”
“No she’s been asleep since you left. I called a nurse to come and check up on her and she said she was fine. She just needs some rest.”
“Yeah. Okay.” Again Kiki reached out and touch Cheyenne, needed that contact to reassure herself that she was really okay. Her face was still pale, but it was no longer marred with signs of pain and fear. And after watching the rise and fall of her chest, Kiki could believe that she was okay now. It was time to settle up with her daughter’s father. “Can we go and talk for a minute?”
“Yeah sure.” He replied anxiously. She looked a lot better than she did earlier, but he wanted to hear her say that she was fine.
“We’ll be right back.” Kiki told her family as she and Justin excused themselves from the room.
“So are you okay?” He questioned once the door was closed behind them.
“Yeah. Me and my mom talked and she definitely helped me get my head together.” She smiled lightly at the kick in the butt she’d gotten and was grateful for. “I was just really stressed out and not dealing and I want to apologize to you for that.” He gave her a perplexed look and she clarified. “You’re probably just as stressed as me. We’re going through this together and instead of leaning on you and letting you lean on me. I’ve been putting up a wall, keeping it all in and you out. Making you deal with my break down on top of your own grief was unfair and I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize. I understand. You’re used to handling Cheyenne and everything on your own.”
“But that’s changed now, right?” He nodded. “Then I need to start communicating with you more and not just while we’re here.” If her assumption was correct, Kiki was no longer a single mother. She would have to get used to sharing the responsibility of raised their child.
“We both have to…damn I can’t believe I’m gonna say this “ get in synch.” He groaned and Kiki laughed out loud. Watching her face brighten in amusement, as opposed to the dark and depressed glower she wore only hours ago, brought a smile to his face. She had that positive light back and he hoped she wouldn’t lose it again. Maybe his suggestion would guarantee that. “Listen. What do you think about us going to those family support groups they have here? I mean it might help us when we both are having a tough time.”
Kiki smiled, moved by his thoughtfulness. “That’s a really good idea and I think we should do it.”
“Yeah?” She nodded eagerly and he beamed, glad that she was so open to his proposal. “Cool.”
“Thank you Justin. For everything, for being the rock when I was falling apart.”
“You don’t have to thank me. I’m glad I could be here for you and Cheyenne.”
A smile flashed on her face before she cut out the space between them and gave Justin a hug. Without pause, he wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close.
It was possible that they had just gotten pass the biggest emotional hurdle of this whole experience. They couldn’t fool themselves into thinking there wouldn’t be any more bad days, but they certainly would not be as bad as today. Together Justin and Kiki would make sure to keep themselves and each other emotionally and mentally intact from now on. They were Cheyenne’s most vital support system, there was no room for falling apart and running away again. Whatever outlet they had available “ each other, the support group or even just taking turns having a break outside of the hospital “ they would make use of it to help them survive this and come out stronger in the end.
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Now along with the worse day that Kiki, Justin and Cheyenne had during the first round of treatment, they also had one of the best days together…..
One of the many presents Cheyenne had stocked piled to keep her entertained during her stay was a plethora of puzzles, some toddler ages and some for older children that she could do with her parents. Justin was helping her with a 30 piece puzzle of Dora the Explorer, her absolute favorite cartoon, as they sat side by side in front of the tray table with the cardboard piece spread out on the surface.
Kiki was lounging on the daybed reading a book, when they suddenly went quiet and she glanced up to see the two were deep in concentration, separating the edged and jagged pieces. As she watched them it came to her attention that father and daughter shared certain mannerisms while they worked hard on their task. Both of them kept their lips tightly pursed and eyebrows scrunched up as they strategically placed pieces to build the frame of the puzzle. Many times she’d seen Cheyenne make that face while she was deep in thought or during one of her activities and it amazed her that up until now she’d never wondered where she got that from or attributed it to Justin. She had plenty of physical features like her father, one that had yet to be revealed and she thought Cheyenne might get a kick out of it, plus it would make for another bonding moment between them.
“Hey Pixie guess what?”
“What?” She answered, still diligently working on the puzzle.
“You have spots and I don’t, right?”
“Uh huh.” Her attention continued to stay on the puzzle, but she was politely answering each of her mother’s questions. It was a rarity that Kiki interrupted her during her puzzle time, but when she did it was so impressive how she could divide her attention so well for a child.
“Well your Daddy does have spots just like you.”
Both Cheyenne and Justin stopped what they were doing and looked up at Kiki at the exact same time. That plus the looks on their faces made her giggle.
Justin was obviously bemused. He had been deep in his amazement watching his daughter, his 20 month old daughter put together a puzzle that was supposed to be for 3 year olds. His mother had said she was a “brain child” but this was far from what he expected. He was so proud of his baby girl. Still he managed to hear Kiki talking about spots and he wondered where she was going with that topic of conversation. When she mentioned him in context his confusion only mounted.
Cheyenne on the other hand look awestruck. Her eyes had widened and her jaw dropped before she quickly turned to Justin and exclaimed. “You do?”
Completely lost, he stuttered out an ‘”uh, uh” and looked to Kiki for help.
And she came through. “He doesn’t understand what spots are so why don’t you show him baby.”
“Ok.” She eagerly scooted back in her seat so he could see her “spots” when she pulled her hospital gown up. “See?”
When Justin saw the patches of freckles all over her torso, he knew what “spots” were. He smiled at yet another trait he passed on to his daughter, another connection no matter how insignificant that he shared with her since day one.
“Whoa those are cool spots.” He praised and tickled her tummy, making her scrunch up in a peel of laughter as she tried to push his wiggling fingers away.
Not wanting to tire her out, Justin stopped and let her catch her breath. With their little tickle fest over, Cheyenne smoothed her gown back down and stood up next to him, propping her bent arm on his shoulder.
“I see your spots?” She inquired.
She wore a face so cute and curious that he granted her request without hesitation, lifting his t-shirt off to expose his white beater underneath. “My spots are on my back.” He leaned his shoulder forward and pointed out his array of freckles.
However, there was something else on his back that was ever more interesting to Cheyenne. “Ooh you have picture like Mommy.” Absolutely fascinated she moved behind Justin and pecked under the back of his shirt to get a better look. “Ooh. Pretty.” After admiring the angel tattoo that spanned the middle of his upper back, she leaned over his shoulder and asked her mother with hopefully eyes. “I have picture too?”
“We already talked about this honey and I said you can’t have one until your a big, big girl.”
Sighing dejectedly, she conceded. “Okay Mommy.”
“We’ll get you some new pretend pictures when we go home.” Kiki compromised with a new set of fake tattoos. When she discovered her daughter’s fascination with body art she brought her some of them to whet her appetite. They’d have to do until the day she turned 18. If she still wanted one then, Kiki wouldn’t stop her “ she herself was up to 4 now. She might even go with her to get her first one. She was a cool mom after all.
“Okay.” Cheyenne perked back up at the prospect.
“Now that’s better.” Justin twisted around and pulled her into his lap. “I only like to see smiles on my baby girl’s face.” She beamed up at him for added effect. He laughed and leaned down to kiss her nose. “How about we finish our puzzle?”
“Yeah.” She rolled out of his lap and returned to her spot to finish their work.
Kiki smiled at the duo as they dived back into their activity and she went back to her book. Mission accomplished.
By the time all the pieces to the picture of Dora and company were in place, it was lunch time for Cheyenne and after that she took another nap before her treatment later in the day. With her out of commission, Kiki saw her chance to ask Justin a burning question.
He was sitting next to her on the daybed, watching ESPN when she grabbed his right arm and turned his forearm to face her.
Somewhat froze, Justin didn’t pull away, but he slowly turned his head to her when he felt her tracing his most recent “picture”. Considering that they’d both been too preoccupied with caring for Cheyenne, he wasn’t too surprised that it had taken her this long to notice it.
“You got her name and I got her birth date.”
He gave her a pointed look and she removed her left arm from her t-shirt, and pivoted to show him the tattoo on her shoulder blade. It read: April 12, 2004 with a little abstract dark purple pixie beside it.
Like she had, Justin ran his finger across the tattoo. “Cute.”
“Thanks. Those music notes are a nice touch.” She commented about the four note scale underneath “Cheyenne”.
“They’re the first few notes of Imagine.” He softly revealed.
Kiki’s eyes sparkled and her lips part in awe before they curled into a small smile. “Your favorite song.” He nodded and that admission both shocked and touched her to the point where she started rattling off questions. “When did you get it? And why? I mean anyone could have seen it. How did you cover it up?”
“I got it on her birthday.” Thinking about that day, he sat back, resting his head on the window sill behind them and sighed. “That was the both the best and the worst day of my life. I can’t tell you how many times that day I was halfway through dialing your number before I hung up.”
A little put off by the notion, Kiki asked with a slight edge in her voice. “So instead of coming to see your daughter on her first birthday, you went out and got a tattoo? Why? So you wouldn’t forget she existed?”
“Did you think you’d ever forget the day she was born?” He volleyed in defense. “I could never forget her. She was always in my heart, I thought about her constantly.” He stressed. “It was my way of celebrating because I couldn’t do it the right way by coming to see her.” He wanted to commemorate the best part of himself and in a weird way announce it to the world. “I did it on a sentimental impulse. I didn’t regret it, I still don’t, but I wasn’t ready to face my mistakes, my fears then so I hid it with long sleeves and cover up.”
“You know when I told you I was pregnant I said that I was just as afraid as you. But I went through with the pregnancy and I didn’t give birth to Cheyenne, then run away. Why did you?”
Justin shifted so that he and Kiki were facing each other head on, it was time to hash this out. “You knew from day one that you wanted to be a mother, that you were ready for that, right?” Kiki nodded. “I wasn’t so sure. I wanted Cheyenne, don’t doubt that. A part of me lit up inside at the thought of being a father when you told me. It was something that I always wanted to do with my life.” Despite his actions, Kiki could read the sincerity in his face and believed him when he said that. “And I will always regret letting you walk out of my office that day, but at the time… you know I felt like my career, my life was too unstable for a kid. But that’s bullshit. I could, should have made time for her. I was just too much of a coward and selfish to do what I was supposed to do as a father.” In his voice there was a hint of berating towards his self, but Justin kept his cool. Sitting here, having this discussion with Kiki was a time for letting go of his anger with himself and really putting his past mistakes to rest. “I was aware enough of to know that I couldn’t be a permanent part of her life thinking like that. I couldn’t let her grow dependent on me and then abandon her. I know what that feels like.” He morosely trailed off and Kiki knew why.
“You didn’t want your relationship with Cheyenne to be like yours is with your father.” She could remember the talk she had with Lynn and Sadie about Justin and Randy. From that day on she suspected his choice to reject his responsibilities as a father had something to do with that shaky relationship.
“Yeah but it still is. Abandonment is abandonment right?” He asked rhetorically. “I’m just like him. I still screwed up.” Kiki stayed silent. What was there to say, that was the exact point he was missing, until now. “Never again though.”
Kiki didn’t want to dampen his moment of enlightenment, but she needed confirmation that her child would be safe to count on her father being there. “So you’re saying that you’re no longer that selfish coward who’d rather party all the time and live out of a bottle than be with his daughter.” Justin looked at her bewilderedly. “Don’t look at me like that. As much as I hated it, it was hard to miss the current events of your life when it was splattered all over the place.” She used to fume at the knowledge that he preferred an empty life of debauchery over all the joys of being a parent and watching their child grow up. Was he really ready to make a change? “Just tell me straight out: are you ready to be a permanent part of Cheyenne’s life? Can you promise, swear that you will never leave her again?”
Staring off, Justin rehashed the moment everything changed for him. “When Lonnie told me she was sick, I’d never been more terrified in my life and it wasn’t for myself. If anything I was ready to sacrifice myself for her, I still am, I always will.” He knew now there was nothing scarier than losing his child. He could face anything else but that and he vowed to never let anything, not even himself, separate him from her again. “I’d never been more unhappy than I have been for the past two years. I’m not prepared to live like that again, without our daughter. Looking at a picture of her for the rest of my life.” He froze for a moment hoping she hadn’t picked up on that admission.
But Kiki already knew what picture he was referring to. “Yeah I think stealing from your own mother is a pretty good indication that something is wrong in your life.”
“How, how did-“
“Justin you took it from on top of her mantle. You honestly didn’t think she’d notice it was missing?” She chuckled at his panicked look.
“Shit.” Seeing Cheyenne for the first time that day at his mother’s made all logic escape his mind and he couldn’t leave without taking just a little piece of her with him.
“It’s okay. She wasn’t really mad that you did it, only the reason behind it, especially when you didn’t have to go to those lengths. All you had to do was pick up a phone or hell just pop up on my doorstep.” She had always kept an open-mind about Justin coming back into Cheyenne’s life. She never would have turned him away if he had had a change of heart before now.
“I can’t imagine how angry you were, are with me.”
“I definitely had my 'I hate Justin' moments especially when I was all pregnant and hormonal.” She smirked. “But honestly once Cheyenne was born I couldn’t be angry with you or regret anything that happened between us anymore. She wouldn’t exist if you didn’t or if things had been different. And she’s the best thing that has ever happened to me.”
“I’m sorry I abandoned you. I was just so afraid that the person that I was would only end up hurting her. I was immature and stupid then and I’m so sorry. I’m not that person anymore, I won’t make the same mistakes.”
He looked directly at her during his heartfelt apology and Kiki could feel any residual anger towards him dissolving away. “I can see that you’re different. This had changed you and I believe you’re in it for the long haul now.” She couldn’t imagine him walking away again, not after this experience, but just in case. “I am a mother though and I have to protect my child at all cost, so I’m going to let you know right now that if you leave her again “ I will hunt you down and I will beat the living shit out of you Justin.” She had a smile on her face, but her words were dead serious.
Accepting those terms fully, he nodded agreeably. “Deal. That’s one ass whooping I would willingly submit to.”
Kiki giggled and he laughed along with her. Putting her hand out to him to sealing their agreement, Justin grabbed her and instead of shaking it, he pulled her close and they shared a hug. The slate was clear between them and now, together, they could embark on parenthood and a brand new friendship.
