Tears were still running down her face, but Kiki managed to collect herself enough to continue driving. Where she was going “ she had no clue. She was too emotionally overwhelmed to go home to an empty apartment. She’d drive herself nuts stressing over this situation she’d gotten herself into. What she needed was someone to talk to, someone who would listen to her spill her guts, but help her stay marginally sane too. Her sisters were usually the ones who qualified for that job, but after the way she acted last night, she doubted either of them would sympathize with her, especially Maya. She had brought this on herself, she deserved this shame and guilt. She knew that, but she still needed some comfort right now.
Driving around the city for a few hours, depressed and scared, she finally sucked it up and headed towards Tami and Joey’s place. Of her two sisters, Tami was the more understanding and non-judgmental, so she figured she’d be more likely to find a shoulder to lean on there.
Standing on the doorstep, fidgeting, she waited for someone to answer the ringing bell. The door opened and there stood her best friend since she was three years old, her sister by heart, sympathy shining in her eyes. Kiki’s chin started trembling, tears blurred her vision before they fell down her cheek and Tami’s welcoming arms opened up. She didn’t hesitate to take her up on her offer and they embraced each other in a comforting hug.
“Oh honey.” Tami cooed when she felt her best friend shaking as she sobbed.
When Tami looked through the peephole before answering the door, she was not surprised to see Kiki standing there looking completely distraught. She knew what was going to happen last night between her and Justin and she knew Kiki was going to wake up today full of regret. She could turn her away for what she’d done, but that wasn’t what family did to each other no matter how bone-headedly stupid their actions were. Besides it wasn’t her job to pass judgment on anyone, no one was perfect and Kiki definitely wasn’t some horrible person who deserved to be condemned. So she opened the door and her arms to her guilt ridden sister.
“I fucked up so bad.” Kiki confessed and without reproach, Tami simply answered.
“I know.” Pulling out of the hug, she gave her an understanding smile and brought her inside the house.
Sniffing and wiping her eyes, Kiki walked with Tami into the kitchen. “You must think I’m a totally shitty person right now.”
“No, I don’t think that about you, just what you did. I think I understand why, but was it really necessary to go that far with Justin, especially when you know he has a girlfriend?” She asked as they settled at the breakfast bar.
“Yeah hermanita did you really have to act like a stupid bitch and screw him?”
Both Tami and Kiki turned to the sliding doors leading to the den to see an anger Maya standing there.
When she saw the shape her best friend was in, Tami had totally forgotten Maya was here fitting her for a dress she was making her. For the first hour she was here, she had to listen to Maya rant and rave about how stupid Kiki was, how she knew she would regret last night and that she felt no sympathy for her. This was not going to be pretty.
“Maya.” Tami hissed an admonishment, trying to hold off a potentially nasty fight. And Kiki was obviously feeling enough guilt on her own, she didn’t need anymore piled on her.
“No Tami. She’s right. I did more damage than just sleep with my ex. I slept with someone’s boyfriend. Knowingly. Now here I am looking and feeling like a stupid bitch and I deserve every bit of it.” She openly acknowledged. “I could say I don’t know why I slept with Justin, but lying is what got me into this in the first place. Lying to myself, pretending that….” Her voice got soft and she shook her head, looking down as she came clean. “That I’m not still in love with Justin.”
Tami and Maya were honestly a little taken aback by that omission. They both knew there were still lingering feelings between them, but more along the lines of physical attraction that was fleeting and superficial. They damn sure didn’t expect anything that profound and it definitely put their romp in the sheets in a whole other perspective.
“You’re still in love with him?” Tami questioned to be sure of what she was hearing and what Kiki was feeling.
“Yes.” She admitted softly. “After everything I know you probably think I’m crazy to feel that way, but….” Getting choked up by the confession she was finally voicing aloud to anyone, even herself. “Justin is the one.” She let out a quiet sob and tears started falling again. “I’ve never stopped loving him. It’s like he’s a part of me and no matter what he does or I do, I can’t get rid of him.”
Maya’s apathy began to fade away as she watched her sister, her emotions so raw and open for everyone to see. This wasn’t just a case of lust and hormones run amok. It was about two people who still felt so much love and need for each other reconnecting, just at the wrong place and time. There was nothing good about her sister’s actions, but she could now understand where she was coming from and she felt overcome with sympathy.
“Oh hermanita.” She approached Kiki and wrapped her arms round her. Kiki just cried on her sister’s shoulder as Tami rubbed her back soothingly. “I’m so sorry I jumped on you like that. It’s just “ I saw how badly he hurt you the first time.” To everyone else who knew about Kiki and Justin and their break up, Kiki seemed to cope well through the ordeal. Maya knew different. She was the one who laid next to her sister in her bed when her heartache became too much and she spent the day crying. She wiped her tears, told her it would be okay, helped cheer her up and supported her when she put her armor back on so she could take care of herself and her baby. It hurt Maya to see her little sister like that and she didn’t want to witness it again. “You can’t let him do that to you again Kik. I mean look at you “ you’re a complete wreck and you’re doing things that you don’t do.” She sneered, thinking how wrong they’d been about Justin changing. “I swear to God I can’t stand him.”
“You can’t put this all on him My. I played right into his hand. I knew what I was doing and now I have to face it.”
“What are you doing to do?” Tami asked.
“I don’t know.” She shook her head helplessly. “I just don’t know.”
“Well whatever you do, we’ll be right here for you.” Maya said as she looked to Tami for a nod of solidarity.
Kiki smiled and a wave of relief washed over her now that she knew she had her sisters’ support in getting her through what she knew was going to be a rough ride. She had so much to contend with “ first she had to get herself together, including finding out if she was really pregnant which was a big enough issue on its own. Then there was Justin who’d probably come sniffing around again and she was determined to resist him this time. Despite the fact that she did want to be with him, it would not happen at the expense of someone else, not again. If Justin wanted her, he’d have to get his own life together before she’d even consider moving forward with him. Until then unless it involved dropping or picking up Cheyenne, no more lingering around each other’s houses, she refused to have any contact with him. And she meant it this time.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
In the days that followed, Kiki only had to practice her new resolve a couple of times. Days after the party, Justin was back on the road to do his last club show and then he was out of the country to shoot his first video for the new album. For those days he was in town, Cheyenne stayed with him and Kiki stuck tight to her vow, only speaking pleasantries with him when they exchanged Cheyenne and never stepping foot inside his house.
Justin didn’t push her for more either, just returning her short and polite sentiments. Kiki was pleasantly surprised and grateful that he wasn’t pressing her, but then again he seemed a little distant himself. Perhaps he finally had a moment of clarity and saw that the way their relationship was turning was not right and that it had to stop.
His going out of town was a good thing right now. They needed the distance and maybe once he came back they both could rationally talk about what was happening and figure out a solution that made everyone happy.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Distance and time was exactly what Justin needed. Unexpectedly he was going through a war inside himself over what had gone down between him and Kiki. At first he was so sure that she was what he wanted and that he was willing to do anything to be with her, but now he wasn’t so secure in the decision he’d made. Especially since it led to him committing an act of betrayal that he loathed “ it had been done to him more than once, he’d done it to Kiki, a mistake he regretted to this day, and now he’d done it again, putting Kiki in the middle.
He felt overwrought with guilt as the day after his and Kiki’s tryst passed by and not only because it would hurt Cameron if she found out, but because of what it was doing to Kiki. He saw how guilt ridden she looked and he knew it was partly his fault. Selfishly he pushed and pushed her until she was worn down and he could manipulate her into giving in to something that went against the good, genuine person she was. Kiki was an adult responsible for her own actions, but he definitely influenced her. Now in the light of it all Justin knew they’d both made a big mistake. Somehow they had to figure out how to get out of this mess and that included him decided what he really wanted out of his life.
Was he willing to break Cameron’s heart to be with Kiki or was he willing to break Kiki’s heart again to stay with Cameron?
At first being away seemed like the perfect time to decide that, but that was short-lived when Cameron called him one night after shooting……..
She sighed over the line, tired of their small talk. “Justin what’s going on? Be real with me and tell me what’s up going on between us.”
A blast of panic went through him thinking she found out about his infidelity, but that wasn’t a definite so instead of busting himself, he played dumb. “What are you talking about baby? Nothing’s wrong.” He chuckled lightly as if her suggestion was absurd.
“Are you serious right now? You honestly think everything between us is fine?! We never see each other Justin.” She yelled, at her limit with how dead their relationship had become. “I know we’re both busy traveling for work, but even when we’re home we barely see each other.” She sighed, her anger dissolving as loneliness took over. “I…” She hesitated. “I miss you Justin.”
The sadness in her voice hit him hard. He felt even worse than he already did. He’d been ignoring and dismissing her for months, but nothing topped cheating on her. He was fucking up all over the place and he had to do something to fix it.
“I’m sorry baby. I’m so sorry I’ve been neglecting you. As soon as I get home I’ll make it up to you. I promise. It’ll be just you and me for a whole weekend. How’s that sound?” He smiled making sure to inject plenty of excitement over the prospect.
“That sounds great Justin, but what if we do something even better.” Her voice was much more cheerful and a part of him was ready to give her whatever she wanted if it meant she didn’t sound depressed because of him again.
“Like?” He asked curiously.
“Well……”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Her phone beeped and she turned the speaker on for the intercom. “Yeah?”
Hey Kiki, Justin’s on line 2 for you.” Inna’s informed.
“Oh ok. Thanks.” Kiki hung up with Inna, but before she picked up the line, she took a moment to center herself for this conversation. “Hello.” She answered.
“Hey. How are you?”
“I’m good. How about you? How’s Spain?”
“Good. I’m actually on my way back to the States.”
A nervous lump formed in Kiki’s throat at the thought of his return being in the very near future. “Oh well you’ll be home soon. That’s nice. I bet you’re excited.”
“Um actually I’m not coming back to LA right now. I have to stop in New York for some business with Trace and the line. Then I’m going on a little vacation in the Caribbean.” He hesitated. “With Cam.”
Kiki felt like she had been kicked in the stomach and she couldn’t respond for a few moments.
Space was best for them at the moment so they could think about what they really wanted from each other, but she did not expect this. They had just slept together after he spent months begging for another chance and now he was run off to some island paradise with his girlfriend like it was nothing. She suddenly couldn’t breath thinking about the picture his actions were painting, let alone say anything more than, “oh. Ok.”
“It’s just-“ He started, but she interrupted. Whatever he had to say, she really didn’t want to hear it.
“No its fine. I hope-“ The rest of her sentence dropped off when she heard another familiar voice in the background.
“Justin babe I’m gonna get some coffee from that café over there. Do you want anything?”
“Uh no thank Cam.” He quickly responded, feeling the tension from this awkward situation bearing down even harder. He could only image what Kiki was thinking. “Kik? You there?”
“Um yeah. Actually I have to go. I have a class to teach soon.” She explained in a rush.
“Oh alright. Tell Pix I love her and I’ll call you guys next week.”
“Cheyenne’ll like that.” She emphasized their daughter’s name and he clearly got the message that it would be a cold day in hell before she uttered one word to him again after this. “Have a good time.”
“Yeah. Um bye.” He wanted to say so much more, but what was there to say?
He knew he was hurting her, he was hurting Cameron too and he hated himself for that. His only option right now was to just try and do what was best for everyone. This trip would give Kiki the space he knew she wanted and Cameron the attention she deserved. And somewhere in the middle he’d hopefully get himself straightened out.
At this moment, Kiki could care less about anything concerning Justin. She just wanted to get off this phone before she threw up. So with a barely muttered a goodbye, she quickly hung up. But her hand was still holding the docked phone in a tight grip while she braced herself, taking deep breaths and trying not to burst into tears. It wasn’t working and on unsteady legs, she walked over to her sliding door where she grabbed the drawstring and closed the blinds. As soon as she locked the door, tears flowed freely from her eyes and falling back against the adjacent wall, she slid down to the floor, sobbing.
Two years. After two years, here she was again, crying, deeply hurt because of Justin. How stupid was she to let herself end up back her with him, to believe he had changed. For Cheyenne he had changed, but as far as everyone else, he was still the same selfish Justin who only cared about what he wanted and what made him happy.
Picking up one of her dancing sneakers lying beside the door and not caring if someone heard it, Kiki launched it across the room at the wall behind her desk. “Fuck you Justin.” She seethed.
Forget about sad tears, these were now angry tears and she was done being the nice, understanding and forgiving one. Fuck Justin and fuck their “friendship”. If it didn’t have to do with raising Cheyenne, then she wanted nothing to do with him anymore and it was time for her to finally move on with her life.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why was he always getting caught up in this “ sitting on the sidelines, watching his best friend make another fucked up play. Sometimes he stepped in and called a time out, sometimes he didn’t, even if he should have. This was one of those times when he couldn’t stay silent.
“Do you seriously not comprehend how fuck up this is dude? After months of practically stalking Kiki, you get her in the sack again and now you’re running off to St. Bart’s with Cam?! What the fuck are you doing?” Trace questioned. He was totally floored when Justin told him about his vacation plans.
Looking up from the sketches they were reviewing before the meeting, Justin glared at him. “Don’t worry about it T. I know what I’m doing.”
“No I don’t think you do.” Trace shook his head, thinking it was time for Justin to get out of whatever world he was living in and get a dose of reality. “You’ve been playing Cam for, I don’t know.” He shrugged his shoulders. “Forever. The whole time you’ve been with her, you been wishing you were with Kiki instead.” Justin shot him a confused look, but Trace called his bluff. “Come on, I’m not stupid man. Anyone could see that’s what you’ve been doing. And now you got Kiki back in your life and you’re playin’ her too. You’re fuckin’ with her head again!” He fumed as he pointed at his temple to emphasize his point, getting angry at him for hurting someone he considered a good friend. “You can’t keep treating her like this J.”
Being confronted with his latest screw up, Justin went on the defense. “I know! Okay?! I know that this is probably hurting Kiki and I hate it. I care about her, but I care about Cam too and I need to figure this shit out. That’s what this trip is all about: a chance for me to find out what I really want.”
Exasperated by his twisted logic, Trace balked. “You do that shit on your own. You don’t take one of your girls on a trip to figure out if you want her or the other one you left back home.”
“I need to give Cam and our relationship a real chance. She deserves at least that much.”
At this point, Trace knew Justin simply wasn’t getting it so he left it at this. “You know you make no fuckin’ sense right now dude. You’re fuckin’ stupid for doing this. But it’s your life, do whatever you want.” He said with an acquiescent frown. “I just hope, for your sake, that when your little trip is over, you pick Cam cause I find it highly unlikely that Kiki will be waiting for you back in LA with open arms.”
Moment after his resounding statement, their associates entered the conference room so Justin couldn’t respond, but his thoughts definitely stayed on what Trace said. Maybe he was right and this trip was a bad idea, but he had to make sure he and Cameron had no future. And if they didn’t, he just prayed Kiki would give him another chance….again. He internally frowned at the bleak possibility that he’d run out of chances, but Kiki loved him. Love conquered all didn’t it?
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Two days into the five day trip and Justin knew Trace was right. He was a dumbass and he made a huge mistake. Cameron was a great person: sexy, beautiful, fun to be with “ he was never bored with her, she shared a lot of his interests, and it was great to be with a person like that who clearly cared about him. But she wasn’t Kiki. Kiki was all that and more.
Seeing Cameron’s face light up when she smiled or laughed was nothing like Kiki’s. It didn’t fill him with happiness like hers did. Sitting with Cameron in complete silence, saying nothing, just being with each other got uncomfortable after awhile. With Kiki, he could do that for hours and still crave more. He couldn’t be completely content with just Cameron. The whole trip he felt like something was missing. It was the same feeling he’d had the entire course of their relationship and he knew now, just as he knew then, that Kiki was what was missing. She was what he needed and exactly what he’d always wanted.
It was plain stupidity in the past that hindered his trust in what he and Kiki had, and now it was stupidity again that made him think something better than her existed. He couldn’t be any luckier than he was with Kiki by his side.
“Fuckin’ idiot.” He berated himself now that he realized that there was a good chance, a very good chance that he had completely blown it. But it wouldn’t stop him from doing whatever he could to try and win her forgiveness. He’d gotten through to her once, he could and he would do it again.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
It was late and Kiki was in the kitchen washing dishes to relax a little before she headed up to bed when she got the shock of her life.
“Hey.” Justin said, appearing in the room out of nowhere.
She screamed and whipped around, holding her hand against her racing heart. When she saw him standing in the doorway just grinning, her fear was waylaid to pure anger. “Justin! What the fuck are you doing in my house?!”
“Geez I’m sorry. I just got in and I wanted to come and see you. I used my key.”
Marching over to him, she snatched the key he was holding up, out of his hand. “I gave you this for emergencies not so you can come into my house whenever you fucking want.” She threw the key on the island counter and went back to the sink to turn off the faucet.
“Calm down Kik. I’m sorry. I just figured you were sleep and I didn’t want you coming all the way down here when all I had to do was come up to you.”
Exasperated, she ignored his stupid reasoning and went back to stacking the dishes to dry. He had obviously lost his damn mind recently and she was not in the mood to argue with his nonsense. “What do you want?” She changed the subject.
Walking up to her, he placed his hands on her shoulders and started massage them to help calm her down.
Thinking about where those hands had probably been since he was gone, Kiki tensed and moved away from him to wipe down the counter. “How was your hot romantic getaway?” Her tone was accusatory and jealous as she recited the headline all the entertainment outlets had cast on his trip with Cameron.
“Don’t do that. Don’t get smart ‘cause there was nothing hot or romantic about it. I was fuckin’ miserable without you.”
“Sure you were.” He was probably getting laid every day, all day. For a guy like him, what was so miserable about that?
Justin knew what she was thinking so he decided to be very precise in his explanation. “Don’t believe me? Why don’t you ask my dick then cause I certainly couldn’t get it up the entire time we were gone.”
***************************************************************************************************************
It was their first night in St. Bart’s and after a romantic dinner, they returned to their cottage to continue the evening. To Cameron’s disappointment and Justin’s embarrassment, he couldn’t stay hard when they tried to have sex. Cameron was very understanding about it, attributing his impotence to fatigue from his busy schedule, but Justin was almost in hysterics. He’d never had a problem performing before. They tried again the next day and once again, he couldn’t keep up.
Seeing his growing anger, Cameron suggested that they just use the trip to reconnect emotionally, instead of physically. “Sex doesn’t and it shouldn’t define our relationship anyway J.” She cooed as she curled up at his side on the bed, trying to stroke his obviously beaten masculinity. She figured he’d just rest for the entire trip, build his energy back up and then be as good as new when they got back.
Needless to say being impotent was just another thing that made Justin miserable on this trip. He couldn’t wait to get home and get to Kiki who could, it was safe to say, fix all his problems.
***************************************************************************************************************
Now he stood in front of her hoping for some comfort and she was barely containing her laughter.
She snorted to stifle a giggle. “Wow. I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Yeah. Thanks for the sympathy.” Honestly he wasn’t upset that he couldn’t have sex with Cameron. When the prospect of them sleeping together dawned on him, he felt uncomfortable, like he was cheating on Kiki. But at the same time, he was a guy and no matter the situation, what guy liked not being able to get it up? His ego was bruised, but looking at Kiki now, other than the obvious, she may have a solution to renew his confidence in his masculinity. “So how are you?”
Noting the change in him, how serious his question was, Kiki sobered and answered what he was really asking in regard to her well being. “Not pregnant if that’s what you were wondering.”
A little over a week after the party she went to the doctor’s for a pregnancy test and it came back negative. Her period came a few days later and that pretty much made it a done deal. Cheyenne would not be having any siblings any time soon.
“Oh.” Justin said with a frown.
Her brow twisted, she said. “You sound really disappointed.”
“What if I am?” More important than soothing his ego, another baby would be yet another way to keep them connected and an active part of each other’s lives.
Kiki huffed in disbelief. “You are fucking crazy Justin.” She couldn’t believe he actually wanted her to be pregnant after everything that had happened in the past weeks. After he went off to canoddle with his girlfriend. “You would think your time away with Cameron would knock some fuckin’ sense into you and make you see how wrong things between us have become.”
“No.” He shook his head. “No. If anything it made me see how right we are together. There isn’t a damn thing wrong about us. We belong together.”
Those words were like nails on a chalkboard to Kiki and she freaked. “I don’t want to talk about this! It’s over. What we did was a huge mistake. We just have to forget about it and go back to the way things used to be.”
“You mean when we were pretending we didn’t still have feelings for each other?”
“It wasn’t pretending. The only thing between us is our daughter and misplaced attraction. That’s it!” She was in a panic now, knowing she wasn’t getting through to him only feeding his position on their relationship.
“You’re fuckin’ delusional if you really believe that shit.”
“Fuck you Justin.” Picking up the wet dish towel, she moved to wipe down the kitchen table, but Justin grabbed her arm to stop her. “Don’t touch me.” She ordered, jerking away from him.
He glowered at her. Hell no she was not about to push him away. He understood her frustration with him, but she wouldn’t even let him plead his case. She was just writing him off and he wasn’t about to let that happen.
Before she could get away, he grabbed her upper arms and pulled her tight to his body. Their faces were inches apart and he kept his gaze steady trying to make her see that he wasn’t going to just walk away from her, not again. He still wanted them to work on their relationship; he just needed one more chance.
“No.” Kiki whimpered as she felt that pull towards him trying to take over. She thought she had this beat, but here she was, every part of her, her soul, screaming to reach out and wrap her arms around him. She squeezed her eyes shut trying to block out the need to soothe that desperately needy look on his face. Her hard achieved resolution was crumbling now that she was standing in front of Justin. She wanted to be with him and loved him, but was it worth anymore pain, guilt or shame?
“No.” She demanded and pushed out of his grasp completely. “I am not going to let you do this to me again.”
His frustration at a peak, he growled at her. “Do what?! Damnit, all I’m trying to do is love you! And you won’t let me!” Shaking her head, Kiki turned away from him as he yelled and it set him off. “I love you. I can’t stop, I won’t stop.” He grabbed her face and smashed their lips together, almost knocking the air out of her.
Kiki tried to fight him off at first, pulling and scratching at his bare arms, but his hold on her, physically and emotionally, was too strong and she started falling into him again.
The kiss was hard and desperate as they pushed and pulled at each other trying to climb into one another. Kiki could feel herself spiraling out and knowing she’d be lost if she let that happen, she grabbed onto her sanity and got herself out of there.
“Stop!,” was her muffled yell against his lips before she was able to build enough strength to shove him away. She practically ran to the other side of the room, bumping into the table. Breathing hard, she covered her face with her hands and cried. “Oh God.” This was the hardest thing she had ever experienced, trying to fight not only Justin, but herself.
“Kiki.” Justin breathed, watching the turmoil she was going through. It wasn’t necessary if she would just stop fighting him, this could be real easy. “Baby come ‘ere.”
Raking her hair out of her face, getting her emotions in check, and deciding to match him in determination, she stood her ground. “No. You can’t just kiss me and expecting everything to be okay.” This wasn’t a game, it was time for him to realize that so she laid the situation out to him cut and dry. “You want things to just go back to the way they used to be between us, but it will never be like it was again. For so many reasons.”
“Like what? Why can’t it be like it was?” She looked away, unsure if she was ready to confess her truth, but Justin was persistent. “Tell me. Why?” Her silence was pissing him off so he yelled at her. “Why?!”
“Because I don’t trust you!” She returned and could see her words were like a physical blow by the way he reeled back, but she had to be honest. Even if it hurt. “You broke my heart! You did everything you could to accomplish that. You lied to me, you ignored me, you cheated on me!”
And there it was “ the root of the problems between Justin and Kiki. Even if Cameron wasn’t a factor there still were unresolved issues from their past that made it impossible for them to move on. How can you rebuild a relationship when the trust had been destroyed?
It finally all clicked for Justin, why she was so resistant, so afraid to give them another chance. He had broken her heart, he hadn’t forgotten that, just assumed that they had gotten pass it. But thinking back he hadn’t even truly apologized for what he did to her.
Standing in front of her now, with deep regret and sincerity, he finally said the words. “I am so sorry, so fuckin’ sorry for what I did to you Kiki. You gotta believe me, it’s one of my biggest regrets. I-“
She stopped him there. “Yeah, but Justin it didn’t end there. After all that you then abandoned me when I was pregnant with our child. Sure you snapped out of it and now you and Cheyenne have a great relationship. I know and I trust that you won’t ever leave her again, but your relationship with her is totally separate from ours. Beyond friendship, I don’t trust you with my heart. I can’t believe that you won’t hurt me again especially when you’re hurting me now.” His face was crestfallen as he watched all the pain that he had and still was causing her, cloud those beautiful brown eyes of her. It was like a knife to the gut and he knew that was just the tip of the iceberg. She had much more to say. “One minute we’re making love and the next you’re going off to the Caribbean with Cameron.” She chuckled hollowly at herself. “I can’t completely blame you for all this. I played my part, but then again what was my part Justin? Did you push me and push me just so you could screw me one more time before you decided to settle down with Cameron for good? Was I just one last fling?” Tears were streaming down her face now, and he quickly reached out to cup her face, wiping them away with his thumbs.
“No. NO.” He asserted. “Baby I could never, ever use you like that. That night meant everything to me. I just got confused. I felt guilty, like I owed Cameron an honest chance after I cheated on her not only physically, but emotionally for the entire time we were together.” It was an ugly truth about himself that put another layer on the years’ worth of shit he’d been pulling. He had so much he needed to redeem himself for. “I am so sorry for the way I’ve made you feel Baby Doll. I will forever regret what I’ve done to you and if you let me I’ll do whatever I have to, to get you to trust me again.”
“That’s nice to hear, nice to know.”
He smiled and tentatively took a few steps towards her, hoping this would start bringing them closer and wanting to cut down some of the distance between them, but she backed away.
“But you and Cameron are still together. Right? As of right this minute you are unavailable and I will not be the other woman again, not emotionally, not physically, not even for a second.” One last tear slide down her cheek and she quickly brushed it away, not wanting to show any more weakness. She had to stay strong and steadfast.
“Fine then. I’m going to call it off with Cam tonight and then me and you are going to do whatever we need to, to get back what we had.”
She laughed wryly. “You’ll call it off right now?” He nodded. “Just like that?” Again he nodded vigorously, but she still found it hard to believe. “You make it sound so easy to end an almost three year relationship.”
“We may have been together for awhile, but it wasn’t that deep.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it!” She cried pushing him away when he tried to get close to her again. “Before I showed up you two were perfect together, Hollywood’s perfect golden couple, on your way to getting married. For Christ’s sake you just went on vacation with her Justin!” She yelled loudly, but quickly shut her mouth when she remembered they weren’t alone in the house. Justin was about to fire back and she silenced him with the wave of her hand. Grabbing the baby monitor off the island she listened for any noise from Cheyenne indication they had woke her up. After a few moments of nothing but the sound of her deep breathing, Kiki relaxed and closed the kitchen door before they continued. Justin immediately jumped to defend himself.
“I fuck up okay? Taking Cam to the St. Bart’s was fucked up, but baby it meant nothing. Me and her, there’s nothing there, there never really was. I know that now. Believe me when I tell you I never planned on marrying her.” He admitted. “I know that sounds bad, but it’s the truth. My relationship with Cam was destined to fail because I’m not in love with her. How could I when I haven’t even fallen out of love with you.” Walking over to stand in front of her, Justin grabbed her waist and stooped down slightly so he could look straight into her eyes. “You know all this, you know I still love you and you know that I want to be with you. You want to be with me too. Don’t you?’ He asked, needing to hear her say it.
Looking into his eyes, there was no doubt Justin was completely serious about his feeling for her. She was just as serious about her feelings, feelings of terror if she put herself back out there, feelings of guilt for wanting him when he was still with Cameron. She couldn’t do it, there was just too much to struggle with. “Justin please, please just go home. I can’t do this right now.” She tried to move around him, but he stopped her.
“No. Not until you tell me the truth. You want us to rebuild the trust right? Then be honest “ you still love me just as much as I still love you. Don’t you Kik?” He demanded the truth. “Don’t you? Don’t you?!”
“Yes! Yes! I still love you! Ok?!” She yelled. “I love you! Are you happy now?! Does it make things better now?!”
“Yes it does.” As far as he was concerned as long as they loved each other, they could get through this or anything else. Kiki didn’t agree.
“No it doesn’t Justin!” She stressed and ran her hands through her hair in aggravation. “It just makes it this whole thing a mess. I’m still in love with a man that I don’t trust anymore, who has a girlfriend that he cheated on with me.” He shook his head to say that it didn’t matter, but it most certainly did and he had to open his eyes to that. “Us loving each other doesn’t fix any of that. It doesn’t erase the past or justify what we’ve done. You cheated and I helped. I’ve played a part in hurting someone the exact same way that I was hurt by you.” She had already done enough damage and had enough damage done to her, no more. “I cannot have anything to do with you. I don’t want to have anything to do with you. So please - just go. Home. You don’t belong here.”
“I don’t belong here?” He balked. “That’s my daughter asleep upstairs and you’re the woman I love! I think that means I do belong here and I’m going to prove it to you.”
Without warning, he grabbed her, pulling her chest into his and he gave her a hard passionate kiss. It was so fierce and so quick, he gave Kiki no chance to react before it was over and it left her completely stunned. Justin could have taken advantage, but he had pushed her enough as is and he felt he had made his point.
Stroking the side of her face, he said. “I know we have a lot of shit to get through, but I know we will. After everything we’ve been through, we still love each other. That means something. We can’t just ignore that.” He implored. “But I’m not going to pressure you anymore, not until I take care of everything with Cam and then we’ll work on us. I promise.” He gave her one last peck on the lips and back away. “Just remember that I love you. Okay? I’ll see you soon.” Passing the counter, he made sure to grab his key on his way out.
Kiki stayed perfectly still, barely breathing until she heard the front door close. She then started panting and buried her face into her trembling hands. She was truly shaken to the core by that whole encounter. She had finally unloaded so many emotions “ frustration, anger, hurt and love “ that she felt towards Justin and it felt good to get it off her chest. He had apologized and she knew he mean it, but that was the past. In the here and now, they had a whole new heap of problems and she wasn’t sure she could deal with all of it. Despite still loving him and really wanting to be with him, no matter what she told him, she was tired of being hurt and manipulated by him. More now than ever, she was finding it hard to believe that a second chance between them was really worth it.
