My weary eyes blink rapidly as I move the cool bed sheets from my warm body - I'm breathing heavily and I'm not exactly sure what time it is; all I can remember is bearing my farewell to Danielle as she escaped for the evening to one of her many unknown conquests, just thinking about this scenario has me shaking my head in distaste. I love my best friend with all of my heart but sometimes, even though I never admit this to anyone, I can understand why in high school people identified her as the school "tramp" - but then I curse myself for letting my thoughts get that far, I can't fault her for loving the opposite sex as much as she does.
I glance to the alarm clock beside me, the only light thats emitting in my bedroom - I sigh, loudly, its only ten past nine; worry succumbs me now as I know I won't be getting any kind of rest anytime soon - this tends to always happen when Parker is away from me...I can't sleep. I'm so used to always having this huge presence of a man beside me to keep me secure but when he's away, all I can rely on is my small, skeletal frame and my thick bed sheets to warm me through the night - and that never works. Like I said before, intimacy isn't done in my home unless its set as an appointment so I don't particularly yearn to have him here just to feel his essence inside of me, no...its more than that, so much more...Parker brings me comfort, he gives me peace, he is my savior.
I never realized how much I relied on him until the very first time he was away from me - it was about four years ago and thats when I pleaded with Danielle to keep me company while my husband ventured away, I was so close to having an anxiety attack - I was so fearful of not being able to care for myself. Thats crazy, right? But its true, my whole life I have built around this man and if I am away from him, I am truly nothing...he is all that I know. I can't be anything else unless I am with him.
The whirring echos of the wind leads me to the window in my room, my eyes widen slightly as I look to my garden below and see the gardener still watering plants and planting seeds - my mind races...didn't I relieve him for the rest of the day? I don't remember. Everything is all a bit hazy right now and I know he is getting paid by the work he does but still...what good can he do right now when he can barely see anything? I need to tell him its time for him to go. The howling of Mamie darts my focus from the man below me to my yellow-haired small, cocker-spaniel puppy staring up at me, pleading me to pay attention to her.
A smile graces my plain features as I engulf this little being into my embrace - I had to beg my husband for weeks to let me adopt another dog that wouldn't end up being a watch dog for our property - we already own three, very huge pit bulls and those belong to Parker, not me; when I laid eyes on Mamie in that shelter, I knew she would be mine, her sad eyes, her thin body, her frightened presence reminded me too much of myself. Sometimes, I find myself more enraptured by sending time with Mamie than making love to my own husband.
Something is terribly wrong with me.
She rubs her wet nose against my cheek and I giggle softly, tickled. "Mommy missed you." I say, as she continues to shower me with her love. I glance at my thin figure in the full length mirror in front of me and immediately decide to put on a robe to cover my bare skin - placing Mamie on my bed, I head to my closet and grab the longest, thickest robe I can find and engulf my body inside of it. My fingers run through my hair quickly and I instinctively pull its thickness of waves into a low bun - I will never let anyone but my husband and best friend see me with my hair down, its just out of respect for my husband. Don't question me for my reasons, its all in good reason.
My feet slip into my pink house shoes and I motion for Mamie to follow me. "Come on, baby." I coo softly as she excitedly jumps off of my bed and trudges behind me as I head downstairs and out the backdoor.
The cool breeze blows gently against my flesh and I cross my arms in front of my flat chest, protectively as I move closer to the working man before me - Mamie is now front of me, on guard...she doesn't know this man. I smirk. She is always trying to protect her mother. "Um, Justin, is it?" I speak now, and I breathe in deeply as he glances up from his kneeling position in the filthy dirt and all I can really see is those wide blue eyes of his - the moonlight hits them so nicely that it brightens his whole face.
He glances down at his dirty hands and back up at me, grinning. "I'm sorry, Ma-I mean Kenzie...I just kind of got carried away with the time."
I nod my head and watch in amusement as he tries to pet my precious Mamie but she growls at him instead and saunters off back towards the house - she sees him as no threat to me. "Guess it doesn't like me, huh?"
I snort. No kidding. "She just gotta get used to being 'round you." My face scrunches in disgust as I inhale the odor of musk. I know I shouldn't judge this man because he has been in the fields all day long, but still...this smell is really bothering me. "Justin, uh, did you want anything to drink before you left?" I ask, hoping he will say no. I don't want his filthy behind in my house.
He stands from his kneeling position and shakes off the dirt on his hands and I am shocked to see his body tower over mine so easily, I quickly step back, on guard. "Thats very nice of you, Kenzie, but I think I bets to be going." He nods to his red pickup truck in the driveway and I rise my brows in confusion. "Got some water in the truck. I'm just going to be on my way. I'll see you tomorrow, Mrs. Adams."
I frown as he manuvers his way around me - okay, I didn't want him coming inside of my house, its true, but still, he has been working all day without even so much as a ten minute break and I feel somewhat obligated to show him appreciation. I let out a raspy breath and begin to move towards my porch, "No, I assist, please....just accept a nice offering when its given to you, okay?"
I fully aspect him to continue to his truck, ignoring me, but instead he surprises me and follows me to my backyard porch. My heartbeat quickens slightly as I'm not sure what to do now.
* * *
I place the full glass of cold water in front of him and watch intently as he devours the glass within seconds. Yeah, I knew he was thirsty. I laugh softly and take the glass from his fingertips and make my way to the fridge to pour him another glass full.
His voice stops me. "Oh, I'm fine now, but thank you." I can hear my table dining chair scooting back as he stands from the table, car keys in hand - I made him change his shirt and wash his hands before sitting down at my kitchen table. I had my limits. "I really need to get going." He says this with urgency and I turn around briefly to place the empty glass into my marble sink.
My eyes wander over to the phone beside me and I ache for Parker to call - I just want to hear his voice, I need to know that he is okay. I need to know that he cares if I am okay. I need reassurance. I need something, anything from my husband.
I lick my lips quickly and tighten the knot biding my robe together. "I apologize if I've kept you too long, I just...I wanted to get to know the person who is going to be here, at my home, for the next month, thats all."
Justin halters his movement now and a soft smile etches upon his lips as he moves back to my dining room chair and sits down slowly, eyeing me. "T-There's nothing wrong with that, Kenzie - I figured, I mean, your husband sort of implied that you tend to get nervous around other men when he isn't around and I didn't want to make you uncomfortable in any way."
This makes me smile. Parker was worried about my well-being. He actually cared enough to tell this man to back off of me. My heart warms as I think of this. I move to the seat across from him and sit down, quickly, placing my hands on the wooden table before me. "I'm fine," I speak slowly, eyeing his short, brown curls and the scruff on his face. I snort. He needs to shave, badly. "I made some fried chicken and mashed potatoes earlier...do you want some?"
When he doesn't respond but instead licks his lips in pleasure, I assume this to be my answer as I move towards my fridge and pull out two plastic containers. "Uh, you don't have to do that - I'm fine, Ma'am."
I giggle softly and glance to him. "It seems like you're the one who is uncomfortable." I frown as he blushes. What he is embarrassed for? "And what happened to you calling me Kenzie?"
He glances away from my teasing gaze as he coughs. "I'm sor-"
I groan. "No need to apologize, just try not to do it again." I place the containers on my stovetop. "I feel so old when you call me that."
He scoffs, "Trust me, you're anything but old, Kenzie." I look to him, eyes wide, and he just winks at me, smiling.
Um, okay then.
* * *
I place my left hand onto my protruding belly and sigh in annoyance as this creature beside me continues to try to nibble at my neck. Ugh! Will he just get the fuck away from me? My right hand grabs a hold of the door handle and I don't hesitate as I push myself outside. What a lousy evening. If I had known he was going to bust a nut in a matter of seconds then I would have stayed home and played Scrabble with Kenzie.
Slamming his car door, I don't respond to his pleas of attention, instead I waddle, and when I say waddle, I mean just that...I waddle my way onto the front porch and let myself inside of this ever so huge house - instantly I am greeted with the sounds of Kenzie's loud laughter and I can't help but smile, I don't remember the last time I heard her laugh from the depths of her stomach. It sounds like music to my ears.
I'm always grateful for Mackenzie Adams and I probably always will be - I've never like the idea of having females as friends because I find that we can be some pretty bitchy people; my mother ran out on my father when I was two years old so I never really had that motherly love going on for me, unless you count the many fucking friends my father has had over the years. I've never blamed my dad for my mother's shortcomings because I know he has done the best he possibly he can do with the little he has been given; I guess thats probably why I turn to men for affection and attention than to instead confide in the same sex.
Women have a tend to be two-sided and more accurately jealous of any woman who happens to be a little bit more prettier than they are - its crazy how much we let our looks go to our heads, its crazy how much we let it fuck up our everyday thoughts and decisions - thats the thing that had me convinced that Kenzie was different from other stuck-up bitches. She's emotional just like the rest of us but beneath that emotional exterior is a person yearning to be loved, yearning to be wanted, yearning to be just...noticed and in many ways, I can relate to her. My whole life since the day that my mother walked out on me and my father, I have been wanting so desperately to be noticed by someone, anyone.
I know I'm attractive - I'm not blind nor am I deaf to the many compliments I receive on a daily basis but still...us women still get insecure sometimes about our appearances, and I usually need reassurance...so thats where men come in - I welcome sex like its breakfast in the morning, I'm not sure if I'm really good at anything else but I know damn well that I'm good in the sack. Yeah, I've been the "other" woman, I've been the town slut (probably still is), and I've ridiculed and manipulated on various occasions but this doesn't phase me at all. People really don't understand why I do the things that I do, and sometimes, I don't even understand it myself - and now, its even more evident that I'm confused by what the hell I am doing since now I am with child.
I should be happy, right? I should be overjoyed but all I can think about is why didn't I find this out a month earlier so I could've taken care of this little "problem"? I should be ashamed of myself and of my thoughts but I'm not - I know Kenzie sometimes envies the notion that I'm becoming a mother when thats all she really wants; she thinks that if she brings a child into this cruel world that it will bring love into her useless marriage - her idea of love is all fucked up, let me just tell you that. But most of the time, I keep my opinions to myself just because I know she is so sensitive about her marriage - she depends on Fat Ass like she depends on the air to breathe. Sad, right?
I feel like we both are fucked up in more ways than one but somehow I think in the end, maybe we will be able to heal one another from our faults, from the things that are destructing us as people - I have to believe that I am to give up my dick-sucking habits in turn for the motherly instincts that I feel my soul succumbing to slowly and I have to believe in the dream that one day my best friend will wake up from her pathetic life and see she is so much more than just a housewife.
She's a woman who deserves happiness, who deserves love.
I make my way into the kitchen and almost drop my handbag when I'm greeted with the presence of the sexy ass gardener doing some kind of awkward dance in the middle of dining room, my eyebrows rise in question as I watch in silence as Kenzie begins to clap a rhythm for the young man to dance to; her brown eyes glisten and a wide smile is placed on her lonely features. I snort. "What the hell is this?" I say now, slipping out of my flat shoes and licking my lips as Justin's face turns red, noticing me. "Don't be shy, honey - I like what I see."
Yeah, I tend to cut through the bullshit.
Kenzie stops clapping immediately and stands from her chair, pulling on the strings of her robe, she begins to hurriedly place glasses into her kitchen sink. I shake my head - she's nervous as fuck.
Justin moves to me now, grabbing my hands along the way, and of course, I welcome it. If you see this fine piece of ass, you'd understand where I'm coming fromt, trust me. "I was just showing Mrs. Adams how true country folks dance." He smells like outside but it doesn't bother me - as long as I get to stare into those big blue eyes of his...I'm all right.
I smirk. "You mean how hillbillys dance, right?" He chuckles and I join in. "'Cause what you were just doing looked a hot mess."
His lips brush over my cheek briefly and I am in dangerous territory right now. "Its nice to see you again, Danielle."
I smile. "I'm surprised to see you still here," I feel a pair of eyes staring at me from behind so I turn around to see my best friend leaning against her kitchen sink, staring quietly, arms folded across her chest, waiting.
What the hell is she looking at me like that for?
* * *
I don't know what has just came over me - just a few minutes before, I let my shoes fall from my feet and I laid them on top of my table and actually laughed out loud at this character named Justin; I don't know where the conversation led us to, but the next thing I knew, he was dancing like he was on the CMT channel and my chest began to ache so much with the laughter I had built inside of my soul. I have to admit, it felt good, damn good.
And as quickly as it happened, it disappeared - Danielle has that affect on every man but my husband that when she walks into a room, all eyes laid on her - she's that captivating and now I feel suddenly out of place as I watch my gardener and my best friend engage in some sort of lovey-dovey staring contest. I think I will be able to go to sleep now - I don't know what it is but it just feels so weird standing here watching Danielle run the show when just seconds before, I had someone's attention, I had their entire focus and I don't think I've ever had that from anyone before, not even Parker. I find it very sad that I depend on my happiness from a complete stranger.
"How long you been married?" My brows raise in defense immediately. "If you don't mind me asking," He takes a sip of the water from his glass and with his free hand, drums his fingers agaisnt my tabletop.
I stare at the two karat diamond ring on my left hand and twist it gently around my finger, licking my lips, I glance up. "It'll be seven years on the 18th of November."
Justin whistles softly and shakes his head. "Seven years seems like an eternity."
I roll my eyes and glance away. "It is." I mumble to myself.
He leans over the table, trying to catch what I said but I shake my head, shrugging his shoulders, he returns to his position. I bite down on my lower lip, I don't usually hold conversations with anyone but Dani or Parker so this is new territory for me. "You don't want to get married one day?"
Justin smirks. "I was engaged a few years back," I cock my head to the side, interested now. "Loved the girl with all of my heart but I think thats the problem - people make this marriage thing bigger than what it really is." Heat rushes to my cheeks now and he takes notice. "I don't mean for that to offend you, Mrs. Adams-"
"Kenzie," I correct him, quickly.
He grins. "Kenzie," He states now, "But in my case, she and I had given everything we could possibly give to one another and we didn't know what else we could do for one another - so we figured marriage was the only solution." He shakes his head, "It took 'bout three months after the proposal for me to realize that this wasn't right for me, for us."
I rest my chin on my left hand and lower my eyelids. "What made you realize it wasn't right?"
I needed to know. I wanted to know. I had to know. He folds his muscular arms in front of his chest and sighs. "It was my birthday and she wanted to make me my favorite meal." He looks thoughtful, "It was spaghetti and meatballs."
I frown. "Um, okay?"
He chuckles softly. "Its just...thats her favorite meal," He glances to the floor briefly, "We had been together for three years and she didn't even think it was important enough to remember my favorite meal." He purses his lips together. "We weren't ready for marriage, we were nowhere near ready for it."
I scoff, appalled. "You ended a relationship because she forgot to cook you what you liked?" I scrunch my face up in disgust. "Thats a little thing."
He nods his head in agreement. "You see, I'm into the little things." He places his hands upon the table and stares at me intently. "Little things like her favorite shampoo, her favorite cd, whats her most prized possesion...shit like that means something to me." Justin squints his eyes at me in wonder. "How did you know you were ready to get married?"
I force my eyes away from his, my heartbeat increasing slightly. I want to say I didn't know, I want to say I never was ready in the first place, I want to say I think my marriage has been based on a childish game, I want to say I regret ever committing the rest of my life to Parker, I want to say I wish I was strong like him, strong enough to stop myself from entering something that I know I can never get out of but instead....
"He's the first person that comes to my mind when I wake up and the last person I think about before I go to sleep - thats how I knew." I say, confident.
What a crock of bullshit.
I shake my head to rid my thoughts and I now decide that I do, in fact, want to go to sleep - my mind can't process all that has happened tonight. I rub my temples gently, "Danielle?"
Its obvious she's pissed off that I have forced her to look away from the gardener but I don't care. "Yeah?"
I whisper, "Can you make sure that Justin gets out okay?" She nods her head slowly, eyeing me, warily. I don't feel like explaining myself to her right now. I glance to Justin now and smile. He's a nice man, maybe I will let up and not care if he messes around with my best friend, which by the looks of things, he's bound to do anyway. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"
I move around them as I see him nod his head in appreciation. My heart aches as I rush upstairs into my room, closing the door behind me, I instantly drop the robe from my flesh and let down the clasp that is holding my long hair into a bun, watching as my locks fall gracefully over my shoulders, I move quickly to my phone that lies on my bed.
I need to talk to my husband. I figure he was too busy to remember to call me to wish me a goodnight - I nod my head, yeah, thats what it is. "Parker speaking." I hear him say as I reach him on the line.
A wide smile breaks out onto my features as I stare into my reflection in the full length mirror, looking over my flat breasts and my oh so obvious rib cage. I look disgusting. The only good aspect I have about myself is probably my hair, I've been growing my hair since I was in grade school, even now, it hangs right above the curve of my bottom. Parker loves every inch of my thick, wavy locks. Thats why I've kept it like this for so damn long - I want to make him happy.
"Hello, honey." I coo softly, happiness filling my existence.
Heavy breathing is heard over the line. "How're you, Mackenzie?"
I want to shout for joy. He cares! "I'm fine - I just miss you is all." I whisper softly, my heart pounding loudly in my ears. "What 'bout y-"
"How're the crops?"
I pout. "They're fine - um, the gardener is excellent at what he does."
Parker snorts. "Yeah, he'd better be - he's charging me a leg and a foot." I can hear music in the background and I wonder exactly what he is doing. "I need to be going, sweetie, I'm tired."
No, please, wait. I nod my head. "Wait, before you go, I wanted to ask you something."
He coughs. "Go 'head."
I sit down on my bed and run my hands over my skinny thighs. "Um...you do know my favorite meal, right?"
He seems hesitate. "O-Of course, I do, Kenzie - pork chops with white gravy." My heart sinks. "Now, I have got to go, okay?"
I close my eyes. "Um, all right...love yo-" I hear the dial tone.
I set the phone beside me and breathe deeply - I don't welcome tears, I don't welcome sadness, but I can't help but feel overwhelmingly disappointed when I realize my husband of seven years doesn't even know what my favorite meal is - I shake my head.
I see now, the little things do matter.
* * *
