Memories plague my mind as I forcefully hide away my wedding album that usually lies on the base of my dresser in my room, but I really can't force myself to pass by this "distraction" for the next few weeks and not ache for my husband - as I place the small album underneath my king-sized mattress, I sigh with anxiety.
I've never done that before - I've never tried to hide from the memories of me and Parker. I guess there is always a time for change.
Last night after my best friend saved me from my uncomfort zone around the hired help, I had retreated to my bedroom and unbeknownst to my houseguests - I lie awake, waiting for any sign that my sex-addicted best friend has taken the new gardener underneath her wing and seduced him; my reasoning for wanting to know this is still unclear, I just, sometimes, don't understand how I can be around the opposite sex for an hour or two and then in walks Danielle and I am thrown to the wind and forgotten completely, even now, as she is four months pregnant, she still has the ability to turn heads like there is no tomorrow. I'm not envious of her - I have the love of my life by my side for eternity, I am set for life - it just boggles my mind when the outer appearance of a woman is the only thing that seems to matter to a man.
Forget intelligence. Forget integrity. Forget anything resembling independence.
All a man really cares for is a quick, easy lay and Danille, sadly to say, is usually the girl a man can call for an easy favor; since we were in high school, she made her way through the football, basketball, tennis and swimming teams - she was the person who other females despised because you could never trust your man alone with Danielle for less than a second because before you know it, she'll have your man buckled to his knees, begging her to set their racing erection at ease. And she would never oblige to a throbbing dick in need of affection.
I never had to worry about her when it came to Parker - they absolutely could not stand one another; at one point in time, my husband had asked me to distance myself from my best friend but this is the one thing I wouldn't sacrifice for my marriage - Danielle is my home away from home; she is a wild-tempered woman, she marches to the beat of her own drum but her heart is truly in the right place, and most importantly, she's never left me.
Like I said before, I never knew my father and as a child I sort of blocked this tiny default from my mind - my mother had many pictures of the man who helped create my existence but I refused to look into the eyes of someone I would never know, never meet, never be able to truly love - I was so frightened that I would be staring into the reflection of myself; I don't doubt for a second that I must resemble him since I have no features from my mother, Carrie.
Carrie has the long, wavy auburn hair and the wide, piercing green eyes and she's not thin like me - my mother has always had an issue with her weight since she lost my father - she has never tried to lose her pregnancy weight nor the extra pounds she gained from the depression she suffered from Henry's (my father) passing. For years, people mistaken us for cousins or siblings instead of mother and child - I haven't seen her in so long that I wonder if she's lost those hundred and fifteen pounds she had been promising me she would strive to work off - I'm so worried that one day the doctor will tell her that being three-hundred and sixty five pounds and 5'2 is going to welcome her a silent death and I'm trying to prevent this from happening.
I do love my mother - for as weak as she is, I know she tried her best in raising me, I know she sometimes stares at me so hard, pain clearly written across her face because she's remembering my father, I know she got away from this town as quickly as she could because she wants to escape any memory of him, or maybe just of me but even through this, I love her enough to the point that I can't stand the idea of losing her - I can't stand the thought of losing another parent...not yet, not now.
I'm used to being left or ignored but thats the thing with Parker and Danielle - these two are constant in my life, so dedicated, so devoted and the only thing I can do to show my appreciation is give them the same courtesy; I'm forever endowed to my husband and Danielle? She'll never leave me, she won't ever judge me for my careless mistakes and for that...I won't ever understand her acts of judgement but I won't ever turn my back on the girl - she truly is my home.
And there's no place like home. None at all.
* * *
I tighten the band that holds my long hair up into a low bun as I manuever myself downstairs into my kitchen, looking for my little Mamie - during the nights that I am knocked out to the world, Mamie keeps Danielle company and as I go to her little comfy, white bed and see no sign of my little honey, I figure she is in Danielle's room...hopefully.
Disappointment washes over me now as I fold my arms in front of my chest - I look forward to the mornings I can take Mamie for a long walk across my garden, its the highlight of my day, maybe even my week - I sound pathetic, I know, but she tends to be pretty good company when I need it. Shrugging my shoulders, I move towards the kitchen sink, frowning at the various flithy dishes before me, as I turn on the hot water and begin to watch the suds fill the sink, I roll the sleeves of my long house dress up to my bare elbows, glad to have something to do so early in the morning.
Loose strands of my hair fall to the center of my attention, I quickly brush them away, annoyed. "She's so damn lazy," I mumble underneath my breath, "Can't ever clean behind hers-"
"Whats that?" Her voice causes me to jump as I glance behind me to see my best friend standing in the middle of my kitchen wearing only a belly covering white t-shirt and pink bikini panties.
I roll my eyes, turning my attention back to scrubbing furiously at a filthy plate. "What're you doing up so early?"
I can hear her shuffling around as she makes her way to the fridge, opening and closing it in a matter of seconds. "I should ask your ass the same damn thing," She says this sweetly as I feel Mamie move to my feet, licking me.
I grin. "I clean up at this hour."
She snorts. "You clean up every hour."
Okay, thats not the point, smart ass.
Mamie decides to lay against my flesh and I don't flinch, I welcome her. "You still haven't answered my question."
Danielle finally makes her way beside me and hops her big ass on my countertop and when I give her the evil eye, she blantantly ignores me. "Okay, since you are so damn nosy, I'll tell you," She leans in closer to me, her eyes dancing with mischief. "I had to get rid of a booty call." She's giggling now
My eyes widen. How could she do this? What is wrong with her?
"You fucked my gardener?"
She almost chokes on the water bottle she's drinking. "Woah, mama, calm down, won't you?"
I shake my head immediately, dropping the wet plate back into the sink and placing my damp hand onto my left hip, letting her see how upset I am; the girl can have anyone she wants, I just don't understand why she would want to fuck up any good employer/employee relationship I can establish with the guy - sometimes my best friend can be so selfish when it relates to anything remotely close to her vagina. I've never been anywhere near to, or resembling, what they call a "freak" in the bedroom; intimacy is so unimportant to me, so unnecessary, honestly, I think the world would be a much safer place if people weren't spreading their legs or humping everything they see in sight.
I haven't had intimate relations in probably...wait, I know it wasn't last month, and it wasn't the month before that...okay, thats not the point - the point I'm trying to make here is that I am as well put together as any woman should be and thats mainly because I don't indulge in worldly ways and I stay devoted to my husband's side like sunflowers depend on the sun to nurture themselves; I don't even think that this is what is irking me right now...its not really Danielle...I have to be honest...its Justin.
I know nothing of the man and I could care less with what he chooses to do with his personal life but there is this feeling that washed over me so quickly when I had been in his presence for so little of a time, I can't really describe what it is, but in those fleeting moments, I felt this huge surge of compassion and loyalty from his essence and maybe I'm over-thinking our whole twenty minute conversation but still...I never felt that way before, not even with my own husband; Parker has a way of starting a conversation with me but in the end, it always relates back to him and his problems or issues, etc., it's hard for me to even try to name a time when my husband would come to me out of concern or maybe even just come to me to just ask how my day was and truly listen to my response and last night with Justin, I had been given that much attention and more from a complete stranger and all I could think is why Danielle had to take that away from me?
Justin could've been my friend and she had to shit all over that possibility.
Am I being selfish? Am I thinking too much of this? I don't know exactly what is the right answer to this solution, all I do know is the facts that are present before me - my husband has deserted me, my best friend is a pregnant, slutty whore and a complete stranger is more intrigued by me than the people I cherish the most in my life. You have to understand how whacked I am right now with confusion. Strange emotions and feelings are not common with me - I am always in control of myself, of how I feel, because I know Parker expects me to be a certain way, at all times and I've been doing so well with that for the past seven years that it kind of has shaken me to my core to be slightly rattled by a stranger's presence in my home, in my life.
"Earth to Kenzie - hello?" Danielle snaps her fingers in front of my face and I jump back slightly, startled.
Maybe I did think too much of the situation. Yeah, I did - I shouldn't care about some stranger and my best friend hooking up, it doesn't matter to me - its her life, and she'll do what she wants to do, regardless of how I feel about the situation. I wave her hand oiut of my face and sigh softly, forcing a smile unto my plain features. "I shouldn't have said that."
Danielle shrugs her shoulders, not offended in the least. "Its cool, honey," she eyes me warily, "We did fuck, though."
Heat rushes to my cheeks and I turn my gaze away from hers and playfully tug on the hem of long sleeved house dress - this is weird, suddenly my heart is pounding against my chest and this room seems suddenly too small for just me, Danielle and little ol' Mamie. "Um,": I cough, rubbing the nape of my neck - damn, its hot in here. "I guess...thats...good?" I eye her, questionably, trying to read her.
She places her hands onto her protruding belly and purses her lips together in thought. "Not really," She shakes her head, clearly disappointed, "I expected so much more from the gardener, let me tell you that." Danielle smirks, "I mean, you'd think with a body like that and those huge ass hands wo-"
I widen my eyes. "Okay, you're serious?" She snorts. My blush deepens, I'm sure. "You really screwed the gardener?"
She flips her long, blonde hair, chuckling. "Thats what I just said, Kenny...you need to listen, honey." My heart drops, or at least I think its my heart, as she says this. What a wonderful way to start the morning. "Well, technically, we didn't fuck...we did other things to occupy our time." She winks at me teasingly as she slowly slips down from the counter top and I have the urge to vomit on her bloated, pregnant ass.
Does she have any respect for her unborn child? More importantly, does this disgusting creature of a man have any respect for a pregnant woman?
I raise my hands in the air in offense - I won't allow myself to hear anymore of this ludicrous shit. "Spare me the details, will you?" I motion for Mamie to follow me as I trudgingly walk into the living room, heading purposefully out to my gardens, needing to collect my thoughts.
Danielle's laugh is echoing behind me as I roll my eyes in annoyance. How can I be friend with someone who is so...easy? Why would she do something like this to me? I mean, to Parker? He has a very respectable business and he doesn't need her dirty laundry mixed in with his employees work. She just doesn't seem to care at all.
"What the hell is wrong with you, Kenny?"
Yeah, I seem to be asking myself the exact same thing - what is wrong with me?
* * *
"You need to gain some weight, Ken," Danielle's chipper voice exclaims behind me and I watch in silence as she moves around me, and then plopping her curvy body into the vacant booth before me. "You're all skin and bones."
I would be offended and maybe even hurt by this comment but its the truth - no matter how much I eat or how much I try to exercis my diet around eating nothing but junk food, I can't seem to gain anything - I've been a size two since my seventh grade year and I haven't gained anything more than maybe two or three pounds since that time - my mother just waves this off as a blessing but its not such a blessing when people continue to terrorize my ass because of something I can't seem to change. I have no control over what happens to my body, I have came to understand this a long time ago.
I pull the lunch menu over my face, covering my facial expression of detest. "Thank you for reminding me of something I already fucking know," I mutter underneath my breath, harshly.
Danielle whistles - the girl loves to see the bitch side of me come out and greet the world; she seems convinced that if I show people this side of me that maybe will treat me with more respect...I doubt it. "Well, you know, if I don't say it...no one will." She says this low, and my eyes daringly peek over the edges of the menu to see my best friend smiling. "So, after this, we're headed to the new club on 10th street later on tonight, right?"
I bite down on my lower lip, resting my menu onto the table, I shrug my shoulders. "It depends." She waits for me continue and heat rushes to my cheeks. "Um, it depends if Parker wants to re-schedule our appointment."
"What appointment?" When I continue to say nothing, she eyes me, warily. "What the fuck are you talking 'bout, Kenny?"
"Hey Danielle," Samantha Daniels, head cheerleader of the Varsity squad, steps to our table, arms folded in front of her very plumped chest, eyeing my best friend, skeptically. "You got a minute?"
Danielle doesn't seem bothered. "What do you want, annoying airhead bimbo?"
I try to stifle my snorts of laughter as Samantha rolls her eyes, annoyed. "How long have you been fucking my boyfriend, you slut!"
I watch in horror as Danielle quickly stands from her sitting position and I prepare myself to stand also, ready to be the backup my best friend always expects from me and I seem to welcome this - I'd do anything to avoid the embarrassment I will most definitely feel if I let Danielle know that Parker and I make appointments for sex.
What a good escape this is.
I lean my head down and breathe in the soft aroma of the fresh cut grass and the sunflowers that are blossoming beautifully over the front of my lawn, my first intentions were to plant more seeds in the backyard but right now, I am more content with sitting in the middle of my lawn having Mamie in my lap and basking in the glorious sun, something I rarely ever do. I lick my lips slowly as I close my eyes and my hands roam over Mamie's soft, curly fur and she moans in my lap with pleasure, I don't even seem to notice as my thick hair slips from the loose band it was in and falls over my shoulders, gracefully.
I forget the images of my husband as I shake my thick curls free and slowly open my eyes to Mamie staring back into my brown orbes of loneliness and despair, I smile and it is forced. "I'm okay, sweetie." I coo gently as she moves closer to my belly, her small paws toying with my left hand.
I glance to the sound of a car door closing and a frown is replaced upon my features as I see that it is the gardener. I shake my head. What a man whore he is. Mamie scurries out my lap quickly and runs to her food bowl that is placed on the very top of the stairwell of the porch; I dust the loose dog hairs from my dress as I stand from my sitting position in the grass and my eyebrows raise in question as his jaw drops at the sight of me and his eyes widen slightly but not enough to put me on alert.
I ignore his behavior as I decide now that this will clearly be a professional relationship between him and I. "Right on time, Mr. Timberlake." I speak, cautiously.
He is now towering over me, studying me, quietly before letting a wide smile slip onto his lips. "Mrs. Adams?" He asks, disbelieving, and I nod my head slowly, not understanding his quick spell of amnesia.
I motion behind me to the gardens, "There really isn't much for you to do except backtrack over the things that you did yesterday," I pause for a moment, uncomfortable with how he is staring at me, "um, that should only take you a few hours to do...after that, you're welcome to catch up with Danielle." I mutter, bitterly. Why? I do not know.
Justin's eyebrows raise in alert when I mention my best friend, "Mrs. Adams, forgive me, but...," He glances to the back of the house, and then leans closer to me, as if he is telling me a secret. "Can you not leave me alone with Danielle?" I eye him, confused. "Don't get me wrong, she's a nice woman but...," He uses his hands to describe his predicament, "she just doesn't know how to keep her hands to herself...I'm kind of scared of the girl."
I snort. What the hell is he talking about? How can he be scared of someone he just dicked down the night before? I purse my lips together and stare at him intently, "Justin, when did you leave last night...if you don't mind me asking?"
He shakes his head as if this isn't a problem. "Maybe 'bout a few minutes after you went up to bed...I just didn't feel right when you wasn't down there with us." He smirks, "This makes me sound so much like a pussy." He widens his eyes as if he knows he shouldn't have said that.
A smile breaks out onto my features and I wave him off. "Its ok, Justin." A sigh of relief escapes through me and I can't believe Danielle toyed with me like she did. She can be an absolute bitch if she really wants to be. I lick my lips, relaxed, "Um, well, from now on, if she comes on too strong, just call my name and I'll be there to save you."
He winks at me. "I look forward to it." I frown, confused and I swear I see this grown man before me blush but I figure my eyes aren't seeing things quite correctly cause the emotion passes as quickly as I thought it came. Justin nods to the garden, "I should get to work, Mrs.Ad-"
"Kenzie." I speak, slowly, purposefully.
Justin sighs out my name, "Kenzie." A weird rush runs over me now as he breathes out my name - he said it like my name was the air he breathed, something he needed, something he craved, something he yearned - I am clearly losing my senses of reality.
He moves around me and I open my mouth to speak - you ever have the moments when you want to say anything to make the moment last longer? Thats the situation I'm in now. What can I say? I just feel so relieved that this man could actually be my friend - I've never had a male friend besides Parker and I shouldn't include him in that category; Justin seems like a pretty nice guy to trust within arm's length.
"Justin?" He turns his head slightly to glance back at me, smiling. He is always smiling - its contagious I see 'cause now I'm grinning like a stupid little girl. "When you done, do you want, I mean, if you want...," I exhale - just say it. "Join me for dinner, will you?" I ask, nervously, my heart pounding in my ears.
That had to be the longest five seconds of my life as I stood there before him, waiting, expecting for any sort of rejection but instead he surprises me as he nods his head slowly, eyeing me, tenderly. "You didn't even have to ask, Kenzie." Heat rushes to my cheeks once again and I chew on my bottom lip, folding my arms in front of my chest. "And just for the record...you should wear your hair like that more often...you look, um, I don't know...just stunning."
What did he just say?
My eyes widen. "Wha?" I ask, in confusion as I watch in horror as he walks away. No! Stay! Answer me! My breathing increases as I try to understand what he has just said to me and then my hands fall to my thick waves and I shake my head. Oh, I can't believe I let him see me like this. I don't let my hair down for anybody, only for Parker and Danielle - how could've I let this happen? What does this mean? And why did he keep looking at me as if he liked what he was seeing? I'm reading too much into things again, right? I should quickly pull my hair back into a bun and call my husband to redeem myself but I can't allow myself to do this.
I told Justin I was preparing a meal and I should be doing that instead of worrying over some stupid hairstyle...and a call to my husband is just going to have to wait - heck, I'm not hurting anyone, right? What's the harm in a friendly lunch between two friendly people? But maybe I should do something to my hair because I don't want to give off the wrong message - I don't want to step outside of my safe, housewife role, my hands slip back to my waves but I do nothing, instead I shrug my shoulders.
It'll just have to wait to another time.
* * *
