"When you lose something you can't replace..."

"Do you need help finding anything, Mrs. Adams?"

I stumble back from the older's woman sudden appearance by my side, my nerves are jumbled, my mind is reeling; what exactly am I doing here?

I don't shop. I don't go to malls. I don't do anything without the presence of my husband but yet, here I am...shopping.

I think I'm going to be sick.

Tightening the grip on my cotton brown purse, I pull my bottom lip into my mouth, nervously, staring at the sales associate, warily; thats another thing about this town, everyone knows me, like this woman right here...I've never seen her before in my life, never even spoken to her and yet, she knows me, when you're married to a man like Parker, your privacy is no longer a right - this is what has me shaken, I'm so unbelieveably nervous that I'm shaking slightly, fearful of lies that will be told after I leave this store.

Fearful of what is to get back to my husband.

I swallow, "I'm just looking for a dress, uh," I glance at her nametag, forcing a smile onto my plain features, "Tammy."

She clasps her hands together, probably so excited by the notion that she gets to help Mrs. MacKenzie Adams (which no one gets to do) that I know when I leave here, she'll be running off at the mouth...so fucking thrilled, "Anything you're looking for in particular?"

I shrug my shoulders, helplessly. I'm still reeling over the fact that I'm actually here, trying to do something to my plain self for...for what exactly? My eyes roll as my mind reels...

For him.

Justin.

I'm not a bad wife, I'm not an adulterer, nor will I ever be one...but...I have a friend, someone who knows nothing of my past and barely knows anything about me, period, but yet, he is still there - wanting to know me, yearning to hear my silly little stories, something I've never had before, something I never thought I needed until as of lately. I seem to find myself sitting by my windowsill, anticipating the moment when his pickup truck pulls into my driveway, its as if at this moment...I am awakened, I sense my body surge with emotions, with giddiness of a high school girl.

He's so professional in everything he does or attempts, such the gentleman, such a...man; Danielle doesn't understand our friendship nor does she want any part of it, she stays clear of the two of us as we sit on opposite ends of my sofa, coffee cups in hand, just talking, talking about nothing and everything in the matter of minutes until he has to leave, until he has to go back to his life, his home away from this place.

It amazes what a week of knowing someone can do to my soul, my heart.

So, you see, I'm not a bad wife, I'm just trying to, I guess, live for the first time in my life; Parker remains in the back of my mind constantly, he's my husband, after all. I do still miss him, I do still yearn to be with him but now, I'm slowly seeing that maybe there is something more of myself than just this ring on my finger, than just being Parker Adams wife; I'll never risk jepordizing my marriage, for so long my husband has been by my side, has been my best friend, my everything...why would I risk losing this?

I've been convincing myself since I got down to the city mall that what I'm doing isn't wrong, that me wanting to change up my attire isn't being adulterous and I've been doing a good job of doing this until now, until I see this woman before me, excited, and my insides churn with disgust. I should leave. I need to leave. I have no right being here without Parker. I shake my head - what possessed me to do this?

"You ever been dancing?" His voice causes me to turn my eyes to his, a playful smile tugs at his lips and I nod my head, slowly.

"Of course I have," I mumble, bring the coffee mug up to my lips, curling my legs beneath myself, my back resting against the cushions of the sofa, "I danced at my wedding."

The smirk on his face falls slightly as he tilts his head to the side, studying me, "You haven't gone dancing since then, Kenzie?" I shake my head and he folds his arms in front of his chest, brows arched. "Well, shit, that settles it - you and me are hitting the clubs this weekend, darling."

Oh, no, we are not! I cough, "I don't think so, Jus-"

He's shaking his head, refusing to listen to me, "Ain't nothing wrong with two friends having a good time," he stops himself, pursing his lips, "unless Mr. Adams would have a problem with it?"

I shrug my shoulders. Parker's not my worry, its this stupid town - people talk too damn much, I couldn't step into a public place with another man on my arm, friend or not...things would just turn out really badly for me and my husband; thats the level of respect you have to have for your spouse. Anyway, I could never go dancing, I don't dance, I don't go to clubs...I cook, I clean, I'm a wife...thats what I'm good at, thats the only thing I know how to do without breaking a sweat.

But still, my heart jumps at the thought of me living, me experiencing, me finally knowing what it is just to have fun without second guessing everything I do, everything people will say; my eyes travel to the wedding band on my ring finger and my lips quiver slightly, I've never had a true say-so in the decisions in my life except for this right here, this ring represents the change in my life - if I had never said yes, if I had never vowed to be absolutely everything to Parker till my death...I could've been somebody, anybody.

Who knows? Maybe I would've went to college? Maybe I would've gotten out of Memphis? Maybe I would've just waited to live my own dreams before I settled myself for someone else's dreams of their own? Maybe I could've been loved like my father loved my mother? I'll never know these things now, I'll never live that life I secretly desire to and I guess thats okay.

I've lived too damn long as Mrs. Adams that I don't really want to be or do anything else in my life.

So, I'll tell him no, I'll tell him to just do his job as our gardener and leave the other personal shit alone, I'll tell him I don't need to live life because I already do, I'll tell him I love being a housewife, I'll tell him-"It can't be anywhere close around here," I find the words tumble from my lips, unwillingly, "It has to be far out...in the country."

What the fuck? My mind and my heart are clearly not on the same page here.

Justin winks at me, giving me a thumbs up, so damn happy to see me give in so easily, so voluntarily, "I know just the place, Kenzie." I really hope he does cause if anybody sees me, if anyone just happens to come across me? I'm dead, seriously I'm fucking through. "You gotta trust me, Adams."

Hell no! I don't trust this guy for shit! How long have I known him? A week, maybe? I would never tr-

"I trust you."

Oh, fuck.

I'm still not a bad wife, right? Its all innocent fun here, I just want to have a good time with my...employee, its nothing more than this.

I love Parker, I really do. No man will ever stand a chance against him - he's my whole reason for just being existent. He's my salvation.

Pushing strands of my long hair from my face, I glance around the small store, confused, "Its for a special oc-"

Tammy grins, "Ooooohhhh!" My brows rise in confusion cause I don't know what the fuck sound she just made, so yeah, this is definitely a bad idea. "Something for when Mr. Adams comes back home?"

What?

"Uh, n-" I stop myself, I have to play along with this, if this dumb bitch thinks it isn't for my husband then gossip will spread like wildfires and it'll get back to Parker in a heartbeat, I giggle, "Yes, yes, it is, but its actually a surprise," I place my fingers in front of my mouth, winking.

Tammy seems to understand this cause her voice lowers slightly and she glances over my thick clothing, trying to size me up to no avail., "We'll get you something to knock Mr. Adams socks off."

I fight the urge to roll my eyes. I should back out now while its early. I should walk right out this door. But I follow her quickly as she moves to a rack of dresses.

Here goes everything.

* * *

The phone rings as I step into my home, bags immediately slip from my fingertips as I rush to the cordless phone, my heartbeating as I wonder who could be calling?

Only my husband, of course.

"Adams residence." My words rushed over the line as a weak smile slips onto my features as Mamie trudges into the living room, greeting me by licking my exposed toes, I shoo her away.

"Why haven't I heard from you, Mackenzie?" He sounds so happy, don't you think?

I move my way back to my front door, shutting it quickly and placing my various bags of make up, shoes and various dresses onto my sofa, my mind reeling; I don't know how time has slipped from me, I was just trying to buy one fucking dress and yet I've ended spending money on four pairs of shoes, three dresses and makeup that I know I will never use...except for tonight.

Oh, I need to be punished.

I close my eyes, debating on telling the truth - honesty has always been the best policy in my marriage - we don't keep secrets, we have no reason to but yet, I can't give myself the urge to spill my aching heart over the phone, I need to say something like this to his face - I need to lay my soul on the line for him. "The same reason why I haven't heard from you, Parker."

Way to go me!

He inhales deeply over the line, obviously annoyed, "Are you getting smart with me, Mackenzie?" No, dumbass, I'm playing stupid - I say nothing in response and its eerily quiet until he whispers, his voice low, "I'm sorry, honey...I should've called sooner."

I lean my small frame against the armrest of the sofa trying to settle my nerves - my husband doesn't apologize, he never thinks he is wrong, so this catches me slightly off guard, I'm not sure how to respond to this, I'm not sure if this is all a joke to him. "I miss you, Parker," the words slip from my lips and fall into the air, I am slowly tumbling into the existence of being weak, of being co-dependent but then I think - haven't I always been this way? "I miss you all the time."

I try to ignore the music in the background - this always gets me, every single time we talk, there is always some sort of loud ruckus going on around him, but I trust him, I trust him wholeheartedly. He'll never hurt me. He loves me too damn much.

The movement of his body causes me to listen intently, "Three weeks, Mackenzie," he whispers to me, prolonging me silently to wait, prolonging my hope to know that he will be home soon, he will come back. To me. "It'll be here 'fore you know it, honey."

I twist a loose thread from my cotton dress around my finger, absentmindly, "I know, Parker, I know, I just," I pause, willing myself to say those three words, to let him know how much I do adore him, how much my love for him can substain three weeks, "I lo-"

"I'm glad thats settled." He pulls me from my dreamy state of mind and my heart is crushed, slightly, I shake this feeling from my being. I can't keep allowing him to do this to me. "How's the gardener been doing? Let me talk to him."

My heartbeat increases slightly, "I gave him the day off."

Parker exhales deeply over the line, "A day off? Why the hell would you do that, Kenzie, why?"

I can't tell him I did this because I wanted Justin to prepare himself for our friendly outing tonight, I can't very well say something like this to my husband so I do something I've never done before - I lie. "He was here earlier this morning but I sent him home because a storm is coming in and its nothing else he could possibly do today."

I'm going to hell, I just know it.

Parker doesn't hesitate with his response, "Hmmm," sweatbeads form on my forehead as I wait for him to finish, "I guess thats fine...but next time you make a decision like that, you call me, all right? We can't afford to lose any more crops-"

"Are you profitting good over there?"

He sighs, "We're doing so-so, Kenzie." So-so in Parker's world is horrible, I bite my tongue, nervously - if our crops aren't selling well, then it sort of puts us in a bide finiancially - I don't know how we're going to be able to pull out of a debt hole this time around...maybe he'll let me actually get a job? I doubt it, though. "Buts that none of your concern. I don't want you to worry about a thing, honey."

A sigh of relief escapes me, "Okay." My line clicks, "Hold on, Parker," I click over, my mind racing, "Adams residence."

"You ready to par-tay, girl?!"

Giggles flow through me as my tense body relaxes, I cross my legs, "Hey, Justin," I whisper, my heart pounding in my ears, "Hold on a second," I click over without thinking, "Honey?"

"I need to get going, Mackenzie," I expect him to hang up in my face but instead he surprises me, "Call me before you go to sleep, okay? I want to wish you a goodnight."

I smile, sheepishly, "I will," I breathe out quickly before clicking back over to my new friend, "I'm here, Justin."

"Girl, you didn't answer me...are you ready to par-tay?!"

Something is definitely wrong with this man...but thats what I like about him...he enjoys life.

I smirk, "Yeah, I'm ready to par-tay." I say, watching in silence as my best friend makes her way down the stairs, eyeing my various shopping bags, warily.

I really don't want to hear her mouth, but she doesn't speak of it, instead she rubs her belly, "What you cook?"

Around this time, I already have lunch on the table and I'll be starting on dinner but not today, I didn't even cook breakfast...which, let me tell you, was hard not to do. "I'm not cooking anything today, Danielle," her eyes are wide, disbelieving, "but tomorrow, I'm planning on baking chicken ca-"

"Are you talking about food, again, Kenzie?" Justin's excited voice pulls me back to our conversation and I blush, unwillingly, "Is this too much trouble for you? Do you not want to do this?"

I want him to be kidding but I can tell he's serious, so serious so the smile falls from lips as I nervously watch Danielle stand beside me, now being nosy and sorting through my bags, "You went shopping without me?" I wish she'd go away. "What the hell is," she holds up the plunging neckline red dress I bought earlier, "this?"

I open my mouth to respond but Justin interrupts, "Maybe this is a bad idea? I don't want you to do anything you really don't wanna do, Kenzie."

I shake my head, quickly. He doesn't understand. I need this, I want this so badly. I need to be normal for just a night. I want to feel important for just an hour or two "This is what I want, Justin." I say, my voice shaking.

Danielle smiles, loving this. "Justin?"

I wave her off, my body shaking with unknown fear. I'm in dangerous territory here. I need to take a step back and follow my heart, but if I'm going to follow my heart then all I really wanna do is-

"You sure?"

No, I'm so completely unsure about this, thats why I should back off; I should call my husband and make him listen to me as I profess my undying love and affection for him instead of playing cat and mouse with my gardener. I need to do a lot of things to avoid tonight but...I won't. I just refuse to.

"You wanna know if I'm sure?" I exhale deeply. "Be here at eight and you'll see how sure I am." I hang up the phone, my lips trembling.

What the hell am I doing?

I push myself from the couch, thinking, pondering...its just two friends - he's my employee, I'm his boss...and we're friends, thats all.

I nod my head slowly, yeah, thats all there is to it.

Danielle stops me by stepping in my walking path, grinning, so fucking elated. "Bitch, you ain't going nowhere 'till you tell me what the hell is going on here."

I shake my head, running my fingers through my long, wavy locks, nervous as hell. "I can't right now, Danielle, I gotta get ready."

I try to step around her but she won't let me, I groan, frustrated. "Well, you better start talking then, don't you think?"

Damn, this is going to be a long ass night.

* * *