I’m so nervous I can barely sit still. My legs are twitching. begging me to move and if this bus wasn’t cruising down the interstate at 75mph, I would throw myself out the door and start running in the opposite direction as fast as I could. I can feel my hands start to tremble and I quickly clasp them together, hoping they will steady themselves. My stomach feels like its two seconds away from heaving and I can barely focus on anything other than this pit eating away at my insides. I’ve been dreading this day ever since I arrived on Justin’s tour. It’s the one stop on the tour that I can’t avoid, I can’t lie about our location, and I can’t get out of this even if I were lying on my death bed. In fact, my death bed sounds better than having to face my mom and dad or should I be politically correct and say the two people who adopted me. In fact, I’d rather lock myself in this bus for an entire week straight than go back to my house.
I know you think I sound like some ungrateful piece of shit, I mean two people brought me into their home and raised me like one of their “own.” Right?! Ha! That’s the stupid little image they portray to the small town of Shelby Forest. It’s sickening to walk around here, where everyone knows everyone and I have to be known as that girl who uprooted herself as soon as she got the chance. I’m branded as the social outcast, the horrible-ungrateful daughter, who turned her back on her loving parents. Even though nobody here will admit their prejudices, in most cases they all smile politely at me, it’s written all over their faces and in their eyes. Their disapproving stares and pitiful glances at my parents…I just want to scream. It’s all bullshit! Truth be told, nobody here even knows that Kathy and Dave Miller are not my real parents. Nobody knows that my parents, oh so conveniently crushed my world when I was just eighteen years old, nobody knows about the horrible nightmares that wake me from my sleep and leave my chest heaving, nobody knows the pain of loneliness that encompasses my life from the minute I wake up to the minute I close my eyes at night. I don’t care if everyone here in this small town looks at me like I’m the one to blame for this rift in our “family.” Because it’s all a lie anyway…what family hides the fact that I’m not their child to begin with? What family would just drop that bomb on you because it’s the “right time?” And what family would refuse to help you search for your biological parents?
I make no apologies for the coldness and distance between myself and my “parents.” I didn’t ask for any of it and I certainly refuse to be the one to smile, hug them and pretend like what they did to me is ok. I don’t think anyone here can possibly understand my reasoning unless you’ve been in my shoes or felt what I still feel. It just hurts that in one day my entire life changed; my happy memories growing up were obliterated, everything about this place went from being home to a nightmare. But it’s not my job to explain it to anyone or to make them understand because I just don’t give a shit about this small town anymore and the image my parents want to maintain.
I take a steady breath, trying to calm my nerves and settle the butterflies in my stomach. The bus has finally pulled onto Main Street and a groan escapes my lips when I see the entire town lining the curbs to welcome their golden boy home. I have officially walked into a nightmare. The bus pulls to a stop and my driver, Luke, turns to let me know I can get off here to meet my parents. He gives me a sympathetic look because he’s the only one on the tour that has the slightest inclination that I’m dreading this entire week in Shelby Forest. I try to produce a reassuring smile but a pathetic twitch plays across my face instead. Grabbing my iPod, I pull my sweatshirt over my body and walk towards the doors. The crowd’s excitement has audibly gotten louder which means Justin is already outside greeting everyone. One last deep breath and my door opens, I step onto the pavement and a cool breeze floats through the air. I pull a pair of sunglasses down over my eyes and scan the familiar town for two sets of eyes that I haven’t seen in years. I catch a glimpse of Justin hugging his mother and grandmother and his face displays a look of pure contentment. I wish I could feel the same thing.
Slowly, I walk further away from my safe haven and into a sea of people. I notice a couple familiar faces and I try to avoid their stares. Most people haven’t comprehended the idea of subtlety in this town, with their pointing fingers and hushed whispers that can clearly be made out as my name and wondering why I’ve returned. Slumping further into my sweatshirt, I stride towards the general store. But before I can reach the porch steps, I halt-mid step as familiar brown eyes meet mine. I let my eyes slide over her small frame, her short brown hair that is pulled away from her face and she’s clad in a white sweater and jeans. She’s the typical southern bell and she’s about as opposite from me as I can imagine. A hesitant smile crosses her features before she approaches my frozen form.
“Hi sweetie…” She calls in a southern drawl.
I shift my weight from one foot to the other before responding. “Hi…”
Timidly, she pulls me into a hug and my body stiffens at her touch. I let my arms lie perfectly still at my side as hers wrap around me. My dad is looking over my mom’s shoulder and quickly gives me a disapproving glare at my lack of excitement over seeing them.
“There are people around, Addison. Don’t act like a child…” My mom scolds.
I roll my eyes because she still talks to me like I’m five years old. “Don’t worry…I won’t ruin your perfect little world here…Let’s get this over with…” I say as I remove myself from her embrace. Swiftly, I throw my bag over my shoulder and walk towards their SUV.
My mom and dad flank me on either side as we walk through the hoards of people gathered around Justin. I don’t bother to look back because the last thing I need to see is his smiling face. Even though it’s not his fault…I partially blame him for making me return to this god awful place.
I slide into the backseat and prepare to return to the house that once held so many memories for me. From sleepovers, to holiday celebrations, to family gatherings, this place used to be the center of my world, oh how quickly one day can change a lifetime of memories. The drive from the center of town to just barely the outskirts, didn’t last more than five minutes. The gravel rocks can be heard popping against the side of the car as we approach the familiar white house and that uneasy feeling has once again settled in my stomach. Slowly, I step out of the vehicle and gaze up to the wrap around porch, the mahogany front door, the perfectly painted white siding and glass windows…it’s almost as if nothing’s changed. The steps creek underneath my weight and I push the door to the past wide open.
My mom gracefully floats through the door and flutters into the kitchen. I think it’s ingrained in her southern etiquette to be in the kitchen cooking, even when it’s just me.
“How’s the tour been going, Addison?” She calls as my eyes scan the fireplace, lined with family pictures.
I cringe when my eyes land on the picture of my last dance competition in Memphis. It was my eighteenth birthday and the one day that I can’t ever seem to forget. “It’s fine…” I call back to her.
My dad clears his throat at my lack of conversation and it’s his silent way of encouraging me to speak up. My dad and I are very similar in the sense that we’re not big talkers. But he knows that our entire family has been strained ever since the news of my adoption and he wishes I could learn to let it go and forgive them. I roll my eyes at his critical reaction because even though he doesn’t voice it, I know he blames me for this whole mess.
“I bet its great being with Justin again…you two used to hang out when you were little.”
“It’s all right…we haven’t seen each other since we were thirteen or fourteen so it’s kind of awkward. It’s not like we were best friends or anything…”
“Well he certainly is doing well for himself…But you know it’d be nice if you’d call every once and while from the tour.”
Here we go with the guilt trip…
“The tour keeps me busy…I don’t have a lot of free time.” I answer, trying to diffuse what is sure to lead to an argument.
My mom steps out of the kitchen and stands near the doorway to the living room. “We are still your parents, Addison. Don’t forget that and we don’t deserve to just be pushed to the back burner…” She starts to rant and her stance becomes one of defiance. My mom can be this timid, shy, southerly woman but the minute she feels a fight coming on, it’s like a beast just rips through her. “You know, people ask us everyday how our daughter’s doing, what’s she up to, why she hasn’t returned to Tennessee? How would that make us look if we said we don’t know how you’re doing, what you’re up to and why you haven’t returned in over two years?”
I feel a fire start to burn inside and my walls of protection are quickly assembling around me to block out the pain she’s likely to inflict. “I don’t know, Mom. How would that make you look to this town?”
Just then, a deep masculine voice bellows through. “Addison Miller, watch your tone…”
I can feel my eyes start to roll because this is exactly what I was dreading. They both treat me like some misbehaving child, rather than a young woman whose life they had a hand in fucking up.
My mom crosses her arms in front of her body. “You really need to grow up and act like a young lady.”
Oh god, here comes the scolding and I really can’t take this now. “I haven’t even been in the door five minutes and you’re going to lecture me on my behavior. Why do you think I never come back to this place? I need to go…” I say before dropping my bag near the steps towards my room and heading back out the door we just came through.
My parents don’t even bother to call after me because they know it would cause a scene and that’s the last thing they want. If the neighbors catch wind that we’re fighting five minutes into my illustrious return, well that would just be major town gossip and I know my mom wants absolutely none of that. It’s sickening how much other people’s opinions matter to her, I’ve seen the devastation it can cause when you do care and that’s the main reason why I don’t.
I walk towards the gravel path that wraps around the house back towards the woods. The path is slightly overgrown with weeds but the rocks lead the way away from the house, deeper and deeper into the forest. Pushing a few branches out of the way, I head back towards a clearing that I used to spend hours in when I was a kid. It’s where I would listen to music, read my fairytale books, and dream of what my life would be like when I got out of this town. A few more steps over some protruding tree roots and the clearing quickly comes into view. The two giant boulders are still in the corner where I remember and the plush green grass covers the ground. I take a deep breath just remembering when my life was simple. When I believed that my life was just as ordinary as every other kid.
I let me hands fall to the cool stone and pull myself casually on top of it. Taking another deep breath, I play back the fight that just occurred with my parents. I didn’t mean to act like an immature child by running out on them, but if I stayed there it would have gotten even more heated and I can guarantee that I would spend the rest of the week on my tour bus, if that was the case.
Even though, I was dreading this day with everything inside, part of me wished that it would be different. I wished that my parents would accept the fact that I’ve been hurt by their decision. I wished that they would understand that I need some kind of closure to this, that I need to know more about who I am and whom my parents really are. I need something to grasp onto when my life feels like it’s constantly spinning out of control. It’s not like I haven’t tried to get past all of this. I can’t possibly tell you how many times I’ve tried to forget about it, to tell myself that it didn’t matter…but I can’t pretend to be something I’m not.
I’m so lost and confused all the damn time. I’m hurt and bruised from all the abuse they’ve inflicted on my heart. They would rather me put a smile on and pretend like everything’s right in the world, when it’s not. It’s so hard to fake a smile when your heart can barely breathe. I know how fucked up I am inside…I just wish they would comprehend it too.
Over these past years, I’ve lived with the pain and I’m realizing it’s getting harder and harder to keep suppressing it. I need someone to be there for me, to believe in me, to love me unconditionally, to tell me it’s going to be ok when I can’t possibly see how it could, I just want someone to understand and help me get through this because I’m so tired of this. I’m tired of fighting on my own.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Hey Everyone!!! Thank you so much for all your reviews, it really means a lot to me to have the support! So please keep them coming! :) I hope you enjoy the new update and I'm really excited to dig into the main part of the story now! :) Thank you again!!!
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