Josh had no idea where he was going, he and Justin didn’t own a ca so he was stuck just walking around. He swore to God it was like below zero and there were a few snowflakes here and there. He really didn’t give a fuck though, he was passed off and to hurt to be affected. He stilled held the blue journal in his hand but hadn’t bothered to stop anywhere to read it. He just didn’t get it he didn’t get Justin. There were in love last time he checked weren’t they? They lived together for Chris sake’s, two years they had been together and Justin had been cheating on him.
Beyond cheating on him, those pictures. There was no question, the guy, whoever eh was had been hurting Justin and badly. When Josh had seen them at first he had thought, someone had kidnapped his boyfriend or something but the more as he saw some of the others …
There were ones that put forth, without question, that Justin had been enjoying himself at one point or another. Why would Justin put himself in such a position, the guy had used some sick shit on him, something that Josh had never even seen or heard of before. He wondered how he didn’t see burses or cut, but then realized, he hadn’t been around much now had he? That didn’t matter though, if Justin wanted to end it, he should have before fucking some creep, speaking of which who the fuck was this guy.
Stopping for a moment Josh hadn’t thought about his boyfriend “other guy.” He wanted to fuck kill him too, not only for sleeping with Justin, obviously knowing enough about Josh to send him pictures, but what he had done to Justin. Maybe he had blackmailed or something …
Looking down at the journal he sighed some, well he did have the answers right in the palm of his hand didn’t he?
Rolling his for no other reason then he had simply had it already he began walking again. It was around eleven o’clock at night, he was sure more then sure there a bar open somewhere. Reaching a small drive at the edge of their city he sat down at the bar and order something random before flipping the journal open and beginning to read.
He soon realized that the journal started around the same time Justin had came to New York for the first time. He talked about mainly random shit, most of which JC already knew and remembered. The airport lost his bags and his RN being a dick, he surprised by just how much deal was within the first passage before long though he decided to skip a head a few pages.
After a few minutes of reading random passage and pages Josh’s eyes landed on a few words that caught his attention.
~
“I hadn’t realize just how much I’ve been bull shiting myself even in these pages. I want nothing more then to put Austin behind me, so much so I wasn’t even letting myself think about him but it’s no use really. I can’t stop myself from dreaming about him.
The asshole decided to give me a going away present, he took he out to that spot in the woods. I still can’t get over the fact that merely a month a go I was still letting that guy fuck my brains out but I couldn’t face the idea of people knowing, not after so many years of it. Not that anyone would have believed me anyway, I swear that damn town thinks so highly of him and my Father.
Being cops in a small town meant that everyone owed them. I remember the one time I was stupid enough to run away, as if I even had anywhere to go right. The whole damn town hunted me down and once dad got me home … Never mind. Now think of it that was the night he started being a part of it all. First holding me down and then … OK, well maybe I’m not ready to go there yet. Little steps or what not. I thought about talking to one of the counselors here but there’s no way I could ever look someone in the eye if they knew. Abuse is only what you don’t like right? Besides, that was my dad … I love him, I didn‘t want him to hate me.”
~
Josh had read the passage over and over again, after a while he realized he was just starring at the page. Had he just understood that right? Finally realizing he was sit there like an idiot he looked up to see the ice in his drink half melted and the bartender looking at him oddly. Pulling money out his pocket, he put it don on the counter before grabbing his drink and heading off to a table on the side.
For the better part of the next hour, Josh read every word that was written on every page at least twice. Justin had gone on to talk about everything that both his Father and Austin had done for nearly seven years.
Justin dad had started having a poker night every Saturday once his wife left. Justin was about seven at the time and the men seemed to enjoy watching Justin’s Father putting his brat in his place. He talked about how his dad would make up shit to have a reason to hit him those nights but how the rest of the week he hardly even noticed. He’d beat the crap out of him for the littlest things while the other three guys laughed and sometimes took a turn. He talked about how such punishments were normal in the South but when he hit eleven things changed.
Around that time, Austin had started touching him here and there and soon enough ended up in his room. At first, it was through his cloths but after the man soon grew bored. He started forcing Justin to give him blowjob and by the time he hit his teenage years it went beyond that. The guy was sick, mainly he just liked to fuck and beat him but sometimes he‘d use things. The shit sounded like what Josh had seen in those pictures. Thing was though, at the time, Justin was just a kid.
“I’d rather be dead to ever have someone find out. Most of all Josh, how do you ask the person you love and who loves you to hurt you? He’d think I’m sick but it hurts so bad sometimes that I’d rather be dead. I thought about it but I’m scared.”
“Josh can make the pain go away but only for a little while. I hate him sometimes because he doesn’t know. He doesn’t see and I don’t tell him.”
“I got so bad I ended up hurting himself because I couldn‘t get a hold of Devon, I can’t trust what might happen if I keep that up. At least if someone else hurts me I know they won’t go too far.”
Josh wasn’t unable to tear his eyes from the words that Justin had written not so long ago. By the time, he had read the last page, which had been dated for only a few days prior.
“I just don’t know how to not be in pain.”
Closing the book he ran a hand over his face and looked around the bar, it was damn near empty. Grabbing his now warm drink, he downed it before leaving. He wanted to go back to the apartment, he didn’t want to see Justin but he had to. Hat Justin had done wasn’t something he could just get over and he still didn’t understand but he’d blind and now he wanted to see.
