September 7th; Portland, Oregon
The Douglas-Fir trees and the cloudy skies of Oregon are zipping by in blur as we speed down the highway. I’m sitting by the window looking out at another new city, thinking about what it has to offer and what’s going to happen while we’re here. It’s early and after tossing and turning the whole way here, I decided to get up. My mind has been running a mile a minute for the last five days, hell I haven’t been like this since that conversation Ava and I had over Damien back in Memphis. But instead of thinking about one person, I’ve been thinking about two.
It really should be a simple decision: I should be with Nick, but no matter how hard I try commit myself to doing that, Justin and I do something that turns everything upside down. Even after our big blowout in Vegas I was so sure that Nick was the one that I wanted, but here I am five days later and I can’t get Justin off of my mind. I guess it doesn’t help that the thought of me helping him cheat on his girlfriend is weighing heavily on my mind and heart too. What the hell have I done?
“ ‘La, what are you doing out here?” My sister asks, appearing seemingly out of nowhere.
“I couldn’t sleep, besides we’re here anyway.”
“Yeah another city, another show right?”
“Yessir.” We’re quiet after that, both of us watching the city whiz by.
“What’s wrong?” my sister asks me quietly, but not moving her gaze from the window. If my sister knows anything about me, she knows when I’m upset or when something is bothering me. I could smile all day if it meant that I was hiding the pain behind it and she would still be able to see right through it.
“What you mean girl? I’m fine, just sleepy ya know?”
“Selah, you know I know when you lie,” she says as her eyes finally meet mine. And she’s right, after everything we’ve gone through together and after all she’s done for me, I can’t lie to her. Even if what I’m about to say is going to leave her pissed and disappointed in me, at least I can say that I didn’t lie about it. But just the thought of it makes two tears roll down my cheeks.
“I just don’t know what to do.”
“What do you mean? You don’t know what to do about what?”
“Ava, I’ve messed up so bad since I’ve been here,” I say while I slowly break down.
“Selah, what are you talking about? You’re starting to scare me,” she says as worry laces her usually soft face.
“Before I tell you everything, you have to promise me that although I’ve fucked up, you will listen to everything I have to say and that you’ll appreciate and understand that fact that I came and told you the truth. Please promise me that,” I whisper as two more tears spring from my eyes.
“Okay ‘La, I promise. Just tell me what’s going on.”
I sigh as I prepare myself to tell her what’s really been going on these last few weeks. “You know I like and care about Nick so much, he’s been everything that I’ve wanted in a guy and I’m so lucky to have him in my life.”
“Right,” she says cautiously.
“But Ava despite all of that, there’s…there’s been…someone else,” I stammer before lowering my gaze to the ground.
“Who?” My sister asks, seriously surprised.
I wait a breath before I meet her eyes again. “Justin.”
If I thought that I saw surprise in her eyes before, pure shock is in them now. She reregisters her face and I can tell that she wants to go off on me without even hearing the rest of the story, but she promised that she’d listen to me.
“Selah, my boss?”
I nod affirmatively. “I knew that something weird was going on between us and we hadn’t even really talked to each other. But when we were in New York and I spilled orange juice on his shirt, I knew that there was something there, more than me just having a small crush on him. It was like he knew about it and felt the same way without having to verbalize it. I mean Ava I know I sound crazy right now, but you didn’t see the way he looked into my eyes or the way that he touched me. And Nick,” I finally pause to laugh hollowly, “he knew that something was off between Justin and I because he saw us. But I made sure to cover my ass and make him believe that he’s the one I want.”
“But Selah, I don’t get how you and Justin having potential crushes on each other means you’ve fucked up.”
“Everything was fine until we went to the club,” I answer morbidly.
That’s when Ava’s face drops, “What happened at the club?”
I let my eyes glance toward the ceiling before I tell her about what happened in the VIP lounge. To most people, it wouldn’t sound like Justin and I did anything too bad, we just bumped and grinded on the dance floor. But to my sister, who has seen me dance with other guys, it’s anything but bumping and grinding. When I finish telling her about the club, she just shakes her head. But when I tell her about the bathroom incident in Montreal, her face is thrown back into pure shock and she can’t help but interrupt.
“He touched you like that? And you let him?”
“Ava, it was so fast that I didn’t know it was happening until I saw his hand leave and he was walking out the door.” I watch as she shakes her head again. I can’t tell if she’s more surprised at what’s been going with me or that fact that Justin has been acting like this and he’s a taken man.
“Okay,” she says as she slowly nods her head, “I can see how you feel that you fucked up during that situation, but that last part wasn’t your fault.”
“But what we did in Vegas was,” I say quietly, almost trance-like.
My sister’s eyes snap to mine once she hears that and my eyes start to produce fresh tears.
“What did you do?” she asks sounding terrified.
If I thought the tears were spilling before, they’re definitely coming now. “I just went back to get my cellphone,” I answer sounding defeated. “The door was unlocked and that kind of worried me so I went in to see if Justin was there, but when I called out his name I wasn’t getting any response. I thought something had happened to him until the lights cut off,” I pause remembering everything so vividly.
“Then the music cut on and I was so freaked out that I turned to run…only to bump into Justin. Ava, he wasn’t wearing anything but a pair of pajama pants and that’s when I started piecing things together. He told me that since the other guys got to dance for me, he wanted to dance for me too…privately. Well that led to us kissing…him pulling my dress down…an-and him taking my panties off and fingering me. But I guess I was so caught up in the moment that I asked him to break up with his girlfriend, only because I thought we liked each other enough and I knew what we had been doing behind Jessica’s back was wrong. I just wanted to make it right,” I trail off.
“But I guess he didn’t like me enough because he told me he couldn’t hurt her like that, and what would it look like if he dumped her just to be seen with me,” I stop as I hear myself start to cry audibly.
“He basically told me that I was a hypocrite because I was doing Nick wrong too. And that’s when I told him that I couldn’t do this anymore with him and I left. Ava, I have been so stupid. For the first time in my life I have someone who wants me, who cares about me, and takes the time to show me that…and yet, I go and just screw it all up. It’s just like with Damien only it’s a different situation, and he didn’t even want my ass! I can never get it right,” I choke out through a sob, “I just can’t ever get it right.”
I curl into myself and put my head in my hands as I let the tears flow, a buildup of the secrets I’ve been hiding, the guilt and the hurt, and bits of my past. I hate crying and after all that I’ve been through in last few years, it takes a lot for me to break down. But there are times when my wall crumbles and I let go. I soon feel my sister pull me to her body and she wraps her arms around me and cradles me as I cry. I know that she’s upset, disappointed, and worried. But I also know that she loves me that she knows I would never hurt anyone intentionally and how sorry I am and right now, that’s all I need.
***************************************************************************
The Governor Hotel, room 8313
I’ve been in the bed all day. I didn’t eat breakfast with everyone once we got to the hotel, I didn’t attend rehearsal. I didn’t even go to the concert tonight, that’s how you know I don’t want to be bothered. The only person I’ve talked to today, via text message, is my sister. My phone was blowing up with calls and text messages from all the dancers, especially Nick. But Ava must have given them some type of excuse as to why I wasn’t around. Besides, as awful as this sounds, he’s the last person I want to see or talk to right now.
It’s a little after twelve and everyone should be on their way back pretty soon. My stomach feels like it’s eating itself so I decide to call room service and order myself a late dinner. While I wait, I decide that I want to go raid the vending machine down the hall so I pull myself out of bed, grab some change and my room key, and walk out the door.
I feel so heavy yet light at the same time; light and free of all of the secrets that I let go of, but so heavy and full from all the emotions that I’m feeling right now. I finally make it to the machine, picking out a bag of Skittles, a Twix, and some Red Vines before heading back to my room…but not before I run into the last person I want to see right now. Remember how I said Nick was that particular person? As I stare into the eyes of the superstar himself, I realize that I lied.
Our eyes bore into each other’s as we stand in the hallway, saying nothing. My breathing has picked up and I feel tears burning in my eyes and threatening to fall. I need to get back to my room.
“Selah, Selah please…please, can we talk”“
“Don’t fucking touch me,” I seethe as I snatch my arm out of his grasp. He looks so hopeless when I say those words to him, but he nods his head as if he understands.
“I know that you won’t believe me…b-but I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry, for everything.”
I really don’t have anything to say to Justin that won’t result in me cursing him out or bursting into tears so I just continue making my way to my room.
“Blue,” he blurts out suddenly and it makes me stop in my tracks.
“Blue…it-it’s your favorite color. Your favorite ice cream flavor is Vanilla and you love Saturdays, you love to write poetry and short stories and you never go anywhere without your iPod.” His voice is getting closer as he lists off all these things about me, but I’ve never told him about any of that stuff so how does he know?
“Your favorite movie is Beauty and the Beast and you love pizza and high heels, even if they make your feet hurt,” he chuckles lightly.
I turn around slowly to face him. “Justin, what are you doing?”
“In the last five days I’ve just been thinking about everything; you and how we left things in Vegas, my relationship and how I’ve fucked up things so royally. But the one thing that kept bothering me was how everyone else knows all these great things about you…and I didn’t even know what your favorite color was or what you like to do in your free time. I didn’t even know anything about you. I mean yes, we have…well had this incredible chemistry and yet we went about it the wrong way. I just want to start over as friends, I want to learn about you and I want you to learn about me, not what you many think you know from all that edited bullshit you read in the magazines. It was just that every time you talked about Nick and how much you guys like each other or when I would hear him talk about how amazing you are, I…I was jealous,” he admits quietly like a little boy.
It’s quiet between us for a minute before I decide to speak. “You know when I first talked to you, I was so nervous and scared afterward and it wasn’t because I had just met Justin Timberlake, but because it was like you could read me and my thoughts without having to say a single word, that’s how well you knew me without even knowing me. It also scared me because that’s never happened to me before and I guess I didn’t know how to handle being so vulnerable in front of you without trying to hide behind some other emotion. But Justin if you wanted to get to know me, you didn’t have to be jealous…you could have just asked.”
“I know that now, I guess me trying to get under your skin was my way of doing that,” he chuckles embarrassedly before getting serious. “Look, I know you have no reason to trust me after what happened between us, but I’m willing to try if you are.”
He’s right, I don’t have any reason to trust him but at least he owned up to his bullshit and this could be the chance where I could own up to mine. But I just can’t let him back in so quickly, I mean he said some shit that really hurt me.
“Wow…you’re taking an awful long time to respond,” he laughs dejectedly. “I guess I’ll just head to my room,” he says before turning to walk in the opposite direction.
“Just…let me think about it some more…okay?” I propose, seeing him stop walking and slowly turn around to face me.
Soon the sparkle that is generally in his blues eyes appears before he offers me a small smile. “Okay. Goodnight Selah.”
“Goodnight Justin,” I respond before turning on my heel and walking to my room.
When I finally reach it, I take a seat on the bed and think about what just happened. What Justin proposed was a smart idea, something we’ve been incapable of coming up with in these last few weeks. But am I ready for him to see my all my faults, flaws, and scars from what I’ve been through? Hell, I had a hard enough time telling Nick about those things. But if Justin wants to step up to the plate I have no choice but to be ready, ready to open my heart to him and ready for him to turn my world upside down once again.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Hey everyone, sorry I've been taking so long. I've had a busy week and the next chapter that I'm working on is taking forever for me to write so it's like UGH. But you all have waited long enough so here is chapter ten and I hope you all enjoy it. Thank you all for reading and your awesome reviews on chapter nine, I appreciate it so much. *Muah*
Story Tags: love tourj soloj justin dancer college
