September 16th; Staples Center, Los Angeles, CA
Home sweet home…I guess. I can’t believe that it was over a month ago when I left behind everything that I knew in order to join my sister on tour and now here I am, back at square one. It feels good to actually be in a place with some familiarity to it and despite the fact that this last month has been insane with all the shit that I’ve gotten myself into, I’m sad that this leg of the tour is ending. To be completely honest, I’m also sad that this leg is requiring us to spend three days here because I want to get out of L.A. as soon as possible for one reason in particular: my mother.
When Ava first moved out of our family home and into her own apartment closer to the city, I was pissed because I knew that would give our mom an excuse to be all up in my business. But now that we’re back in our hometown, that apartment is a godsend because I really do not feel like dealing with our mother for the three days that we are here. Since we’re here however, she’s going to expect us to come see her so that we can all catch up”a.k.a. giving me the third degree on what I’ve decided to do with my life since I’ve been with Ava. I really haven’t given it much thought but I do know that in this last week, I’ve never felt more alive. For the last week I’ve been participating in the dance rehearsals as a backup dancer, one that’s going to swap in and out with the girls during some of the numbers throughout the show.
Now if my mother knew of any of this or heard the words “I want to be a dancer” come out of mouth, she’d probably cut a switch and beat my ass. She already gave Ava enough hell and I don’t think she’s ready for round two, but being taught by one the most awesome choreographers out right now, learning new things, and preparing to show it off on stage at the Staples Center…it’s better than any dream I could have come up with. Tonight is my first show and while I’m nervous as all hell, I’ve never been more excited and genuinely happy about anything in my entire life. I guess I never realized how free I feel when I dance, how even though I’ve been going through some things lately, none of that shit matters once the music starts. I think my biggest test is going to be appealing to the audience, but according to Mr. Bass he doesn’t see what there’s not to like about me.
Speaking of Nick, I think he knows that I’m keeping things from him; in fact I’m pretty sure he’s known about Justin and I since we were in New York. I know last week was particularly awful between us because I was trying to avoid him like the plague, but this week has been better overall. I can just tell when he looks at me sometimes that although we’re not official, he knows that there’s someone else. That in itself breaks my heart. I’ve always tried to be an honest person and part of me wants to tell Nick everything so that we can try to work things out and try to move forward. But there’s this other part of me that doesn’t want to tell him because as of now he doesn’t have anything to worry about. What happened between Justin and I should have never happened, but it did and I refuse to let it happen again. I can only imagine being cheated on, but if it feels anything like being the other woman then I’ll pass.
I won’t lie and say that I haven’t thought about Justin’s offer, I just haven’t given him the final answer yet. If I say no, well it’s just going to be no and we both can try to move on with our lives. But if I say yes, then I want”no need to move slowly. Do I regret what I did? Well at least not with Nick. I think I would feel different if Justin was single and not to say that it didn’t feel good…it just wasn’t right. I’ve never moved that fast with two people in my life and I know that I got way in over my head and if I decide to start over with Justin, I know that I need to calm down and stay in my lane.
“You look like you’re thinking mighty hard over here beautiful,” Nick’s soft voice interrupts my thoughts.
I smile as he takes a seat next to me during this short break that we have. “So many things to think about, the show and the choreography, what I’m going to do after this leg is over…”
“Wait, you’re not coming to Australia with us?”
“I haven’t thought much about it. I was thinking that after this was over I was just going to back here, maybe stay in my sister’s apartment and get a job.”
“Please,” he says after smacking his lips and blowing out some hot air. “You’re coming to Australia with us, we need you to go…I want you to go,” he says as his voice gets quieter.
I just stare into his sleepy blue eyes and turn to mush. Ugh, what the hell was I thinking messing around with Justin when I had this beautiful man standing right here in front of me? I give him a slow peck on the lips and intertwine our fingers, but before I can respond he starts to speak.
“Selah, I make you happy right? I mean I know that we’re not together or official or anything and there’s still more that we have to learn about each other…but I just want you to know that,” he pauses for a breath. “I’m willing to try it if you are.”
That last sentence makes my heart leap into my throat and my mind flashes back to when we were in Portland…and Justin said those exact words to me.
“But we don’t have to and you don’t have to decide right now…I just want you to know that the offer is there, okay?” He says while cupping my chin.
“Okay,” I whisper back before he pecks me on the lips. He smiles at my response.
“You look good up there and I still can’t believe that you told me you couldn’t dance,” he looks at me with some skepticism.
“I can’t, I mean training wise I am nowhere near my sister or any of you guys. Hell I just have a photographic memory when it comes to the choreography,” I giggle before getting serious. “I’m nervous as hell though.”
“Hey,” he says while turning my face to his. “You wouldn’t have been asked to do this if Justin and Marty didn’t have faith in your abilities. I mean baby you’ve beat out thousands of people who auditioned for this tour, seasoned dancers, without even trying. You’re amazing and everyone here could tell you that all day, but if you don’t believe in yourself then no else is going to either.”
Again, why did I mess around with Justin? Nick is right though, I not only have to convince everyone that I was meant to be on that stage due to my talent and hard work, but I have to convince myself of that too.
I smile at him before responding. “I think you need to write a book, a self help one at that.”
He laughs at my remark, “Self help books huh?”
“Yeah, it could be something else to add to your growing resume,” I chuckle.
“Oh shut up,” he cracks jokingly while poking my sides, making me laugh and squeal in response.
“Say it again,” I say as I calm down.
“Shut up?” He asks me puzzled.
“No silly,” I giggle. “Say baby.”
“Ohhh, so you liked that huh?” He asks me playfully. He then cups my face in his warm hands and gives me a kiss that I swear I feel all the way in my toes and makes the hairs on my neck stand on edge before finally pulling away.
“You’re going to do great tonight, baby.”
Seriously, Justin who?
************************************************************************************************************************************************************
Girls’ Dressing Room, 7:30 p.m.
Wow. That’s really all I can think or say as I stand in front of the mirror in my costume. A small smile breaks out onto my face as I take in my white corset top, embellished with rhinestones, my black low-rise pants, and my dancing boots. My hair is styled in loose body waves and my make-up is on point, shit I can’t wait to get on that stage now.
“Ms. Johanna…” I pause while talking to the tour’s costume designer. “It’s amazing, I love it. Thank you so much”"
“You’re welcome sweetheart,” she interrupts with her thick East Coast accent. “You just go out there and strut your stuff alright?”
“Yes ma’am,” I reply.
“Good. Now if you ladies will excuse me, I have to go check on the guys. Break a leg out there for me,” Ms. Johanna says before exiting the dressing room.
I turn around to the rest of the girls, “So what do ya’ll think?”
They all have genuine smiles on their faces, especially my sister.
“You look amazing little one,” Michele finally speaks up.
“Yeah, I gotta watch out for you girl,” Nanci cuts in. “You’re looking a little too good in that white corset and here I was supposed to be one of a kind,” she pouts jokingly, making reference to her white embellished vest.
“Says the girl who gets to dance all over Justin in her bra and panties,” Tammy teases.
“Yeah, and who gets hit from the back during every show,” I chime in.
“And suddenly I don’t care about my vest anymore,” Nancy says with a sly smile while the rest of us girls laugh.
“Look at my baby sister,” my sister finally speaks. “I can’t believe we’re about to do this, my”hell our dream of being on stage, dancing and seeing the world. I’m proud of you little one.”
“Now don’t be getting all mushy on me, shoot Michele spent way too much time on this make-up,” I joke before giving my sister a hug and whispering in her ear. “I’m proud of you too and I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you, so thank you.”
She gives me a bright smile, “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Hey, you guys trying to make the rounds in the arena before we have to come back here and get ready?” Michele asks.
“I’m down,” my sister pipes up while the rest of us agree.
“Cool, the guys should be out there too,” Michele replies.
I take off my costume and hang it up before slipping on some jeans and a halter top and heading out of the dressing room and into the arena. It’s already filled with screams and applause since Good Charlotte is on stage right now. Spotting the guys right away, we make our way over to them and watch as they take in my pre-performance appearance.
“Okay if you look this good now, I cannot wait to see what you are wearing on that stage,” Eddie speaks up first.
“I just thank God she’s legal,” Marty cracks causing the rest of us to laugh.
“As do I,” Nick says, finally coming into view while taking my hand and twirling me around before planting a kiss on my lips. “Baby, you look good enough to eat…then again, that can be arranged,” he says the latter part in my ear as low as possible.
“You little nasty,” I chide as I poke him in the stomach. “Don’t be saying stuff like that before the show, messing up my focus with your freaky behind.”
“You still nervous babe?”
“Um yeah,” I reply as if it should be obvious. “I haven’t had to do this every night for the last eight months, hell I haven’t had to dance for the last seven years.”
“But you know the steps right?” I nod my head affirmatively in response.
“And you’re going to kill it right?”
“Right,” I reply as a small grin slowly appears on my face.
“Then stop worrying, you’re going to do fine beautiful. Just pretend we’re in rehearsal and we’re working it out like we usually do.” He says before he moves his eyes to the stage.
I stare at him for a bit before capturing his lips with mine, loving the way his arms feel wrapped around my waist. I get lost in the way his lips taste and the chills I get up my spine when our tongues touch before I pull back, breathless.
“Damn, what was that for?” He asks into my ear.
“For keeping me focused,” I reply with a wink. He laughs lightly while giving me a sweet smile before pecking my lips again and wrapping his arms around my waist for a hug.
“Selah Denise Bernstine, is that you?”
And just like that, my happy and romantic moment is interrupted and ruined by that one question. You know how in the movies when the angels are singing and the harps are playing, and then suddenly that harmonious sound is ruined by the sound of a scratching record? That’s what my mother’s voice is like. Ava must have conveniently forgot to tell me that our mother was coming to see tonight’s show. From the look on her face right now, she was probably hoping to wait and give our mom a heart attack once the both of us got onstage, not before the show. No one is saying anything as we all just stare back at my mother, who is giving me her version of the WTF face due to my appearance and the fact that she most likely saw me trying to suck Nick’s lips of his face.
“Hey ma,” I say timidly. “How’ve you been?” I ask before reaching out to embrace her. She returns the hug, which screams, “Who is that grown ass man you just were kissing?” before giving me the once over.
“I’m fine baby girl, you look cute tonight. What you wanted to get all made up like your sister too?”
Ava and I share an uneasy glance before I answer. “Yeah, something like that…” I trail off. This has got to be the epitome of an awkward moment; especially with the way our mother is eyeing Nick right now.
“Mama, why don’t we go outside and talk since it’s so noisy in here,” Ava finally pipes up. Our mother nods affirmatively as the three of us make our way into the lobby and I prepare to have my head chewed off.
“So you excited for tonight Ms. A?” My mother asks with a grin on her face.
“Of course I am ma, there’s nothing like performing at home but then again there’s nothing like performing period,” my sister replies genuinely.
“And baby girl what do you do when she’s onstage?”
“Well I’m usually in the club pit, you know right in front of the stage and I just watch and enjoy the show.” I figure that right now is better than ever to tell her that instead of being in the club pit, I’m going to be onstage performing throughout the night.
“Tonight is a little special though so I won’t be where I usually am.”
“Oh yeah? What are you trying to get a seat next to me?”
Part of me thinks, “You wish.” “No, I’m actually not going to be sitting anywhere tonight.”
“I don’t get it,” my mother looks at me confusedly. “How are you going to see the show then?”
“I won’t need to see the show…because I’m in it. I’m going to be making my debut as dancer on this tour tonight, but only for some of the numbers.”
It suddenly gets quiet between the three of us and I watch as the confused look on my mother’s face changes to disbelief and a bit of anger, but I can tell that she’s trying to keep her temper under control.
“Well how did that happen?” My mother spits, her temper failing her before turning to my sister. “I thought I sent her away to learn some common sense, not some new dance moves.”
“Mama what do you mean common sense? Is that what you think of your own daughter?” My sister cuts in to defend me. “It’s not like Selah is some uneducated, hard-headed teen who doesn’t care about her life, she just had a tough year and everyone is not meant for college. Secondly, Selah is an amazing dancer. She is talented and has great potential to be”"
“To be what? Broke and starving? Ava you know good and well that jobs like these don’t come around everyday, hell you struggled for years just find one steady gig. Honey I understand that you love to dance and believe me when I say that because you are a beautiful dancer, but dancing doesn’t always pay the bills, it doesn’t keep food on the table, it doesn’t educate and prepare you for the real world.”
“But Ma you act like I’m just going to throw my education away and that’s not the case,” I speak up. “You know how much I value my education, but school will always be there. Besides, the tour ends in December and if I feel up to it I can go back to school in the spring. Mom, you and Ava know better than anyone how I have struggled to get myself back together and this is my way of doing it…an-and I’m really good at it. For the first time in a long time I’m doing something that makes me genuinely happy and it feels good to say that because I haven’t been happy in a long time mom.”
“Oh I’m pretty sure you are happy right now, but what are you going to do when this ends? You’re talking about going back to school in the spring, where are you going to get the money for that? Because it’s not like I have money to waste if you decide you want to go to school one day and then leave again,” she says before shaking her head and folding her arms over her chest.
I knew this was a bad idea. My mother is one of the most stubborn women I have ever known and anything that she says goes. It never helps that she always feels the need to talk down to me just because I’m her daughter either. I’m not saying that I need my mom to be my friend, but she doesn’t exactly make it easy for me or Ava to come and talk to her about things. Why can’t she just be happy for me?
“You know mom, I will never understand you. See normal mothers would actually be proud or elated at the fact that they have two talented children and that the both of them have been given the opportunity to showcase it off. But I guess I will never be good enough for you no matter what I do and honestly, I am sick and tired of trying for someone who doesn’t give a damn about me. In the last month that I have been on this tour, I have met and been embraced by this group of people who didn’t know shit about me until I got here and they have shown me more love than you have in a long time. So instead of worrying why I could never get you to love me like you do Ava or why anything that I do is never good enough, I’m going to go dance and continue to be happy”with or without you. I hope you enjoy the show,” I say before I turn to leave and make my way back to the girls’ dressing room.
I may have been out of line to talk to my mother that way, but sometimes even the people who are supposed to love you the most end up hurting you the worst and I can’t take it anymore. It’s time for me to step up, take control of my life, and have some confidence in myself and in the decisions that I make because in the end, the only person that knows what’s best for me is me. Speaking of decisions, I see the person that has been waiting on mine for the last week or more. I’m still pissed as he approaches me with a bright smile, but I’m in decision maker mode right now so I hope that what I have to say doesn’t come out too bitchy.
“Hey Selah, you ready for tonight?”
“We need to talk,” I deadpan.
“Okay,” Justin replies cautiously. Knowing that no one is the girls’ dressing room, I go in and he follows me inside.
“Look, I’ve got some things that I need to say…so just listen,” I start. “Firstly, despite everything that has happened between us since I’ve been on tour, I just want to say thank you. The last thing I expected you to do was to add me into a few numbers, let alone letting me practice with you and the rest of the dancers. You didn’t have to do any of those things so…thank you,” I finally pause.
He gives me a small smile, “You’re really talented Selah so it was an easy decision to make, but you’re welcome.”
“I’ve been thinking about what you asked me back in Portland and I remember you saying how I have no reason to trust you. And you’re right, I don’t have any reason to trust you and honestly…I don’t.”
I must get a sick thrill of playing around with this man because he looks like I just killed one of his beloved dogs.
“But,” I continue, “I’m willing to learn how to trust you…if you’re willing to do the same with me,” I say with a grin. His head snaps up in my direction at those words and his own smile mirrors mine.
“You’re a trip you know that? Shit, you had me feeling real defeated for a second,” he chuckles.
“Keeping people on their toes, it’s what I do best. But you’ll learn more about that in due time. So you ready to bring down the Staples Center, friend?” I ask while extending my hand out for him to shake.
“I’m ready if you’re ready, friend,” he replies as his massive hand swallows my little one. And as soon as our hands touch, everything that I had been worried, stressed or angry about before we talked melts away and a sense of calm rushes through me. I can honestly tell that Justin is trying to put his best foot forward without any other intentions, so I hope that he doesn’t make me regret my decision. But for once in my life, I feel confident about what I’m doing and just like when I met Michele and Nanci for the first time, I can tell that this going to be the start of something beautiful.
***************************************************************************************************************************************************
310 N. Applewood Ln. Apartment #12, 1:19 a.m.
I feel like a truck ran me over, stopped and backed over me, then ran over me again. That’s how exhausted I am, but tomorrow I have to get up and find a way to do it all over again. Even though I’m tired as hell, tonight was off the fucking chain. I think that’s why my brain is still wide awake because the adrenaline is still pumping through my veins, still making me remember every moment I was on that stage and giving it my all. If I thought the show was incredible from my point of view in the audience, then there are no words to describe how it is to be on that stage.
“Still thinking about tonight?” My sister interrupts my thoughts while standing in the doorway of the guestroom. The one good thing about being home is that we didn’t have to worry about being in a hotel for these next few days. Since I don’t want to anywhere near my mother right now, I am now calling my sister’s guestroom home.
“Yeah girl,” I say with a happy grin. “I just can’t believe I was able to be apart of that. And did you see the crowd?! Crackin’.”
My sister laughs at my remark before making her way into the bed with me. “Now you know how we feel when we’re up there. You’re right, there’s nothing like it. I’m proud of you girl,” she says after a moment.
“Yeah?” I say with a smile.
“Hell yeah,” she laughs lightly. “You worked it out, shoot you was looking like a seasoned pro out there with the rest of us.”
“Thanks A, you know that means a lot coming from you.”
“I’m also proud of how you handled things with mom. Now usually I don’t agree with disrespecting and talking back to our mother, but some of the things you said she needed to hear. You know after you walked off, she was speechless? Now you know you done did something if that woman didn’t have a word to say in response,” she laughs.
Shit, ain’t that the truth. “I just don’t understand why she couldn’t be happy for me. I mean you would think a light bulb would have went off in her head when I said that I hadn’t been happy. But since I’m ‘throwing my education away’ my ass is automatically destined for failure. I bet if I got a good paying gig like you did on this tour, she wouldn’t be saying shit; then I’d be her favorite again,” I spit irritably.
“Yeah,” Ava sighs. “That’s mom for you. But you know what I say little one, just do you. Find your own happiness, your own piece of mind, and figure out what’s best for you because at the end of the day, the only person you’ve got left is you. Yeah you and mama aren’t getting along right now, but as long as you can live with that and still be happy, then do the damn thing. She’ll come around though.”
See why my sister is the shiz-nit? “You’re right girl, you are so right,” I respond. “You know, Justin and I are trying to start over and be friends the right way this time.”
“For real? You think you two can do that after everything that’s happened between the two of you?”
“We’re going to try. He apologized to me back in Portland and tonight after I left you and mom, I told him that I was down for us being friends. I know it’s a stretch, but he seems genuine about it because the truth is, we don’t really know anything about each other since we were so wrapped up into each other physically. It’s going to be a learning process though because after Vegas, I don’t trust his ass for shit.”
Ava laughs, “I feel you. Please just go slow and take your time with him this time; I don’t need no more confessions or breakdowns like the one I saw in Portland,” she says before pausing. “What about Nick though?”
“Ugh A, that’s a whole ‘nother story. I think he knows something is up between Justin and I because today at rehearsal, he put it the offer out on the table.”
“What do you mean?”
“Girl he was asking me if he makes me happy and that even though we’re not official, that he’s putting the offer out there. He told me that I didn’t have to decide right now or even have to say yes, but that he’s willing to settle down for me. Ava he wants me to be his wifey, what the fuck am I going to do?” I huff exasperatedly.
“Damn little one,” my sister chuckles. “Well you know they say that pimpin’ ain’t easy.”
I bust out laughing and shake my head at her, “You heffa. I’m serious though A, I mean I’m happy as hell with Nick as my boo, but then Justin had to come along with his apology and his offer…a-and he had to be so cute when he was listing off the things he knew about me,” I whine before putting my pillow over my face.
“Wait, listing things that he knew about you?”
“This dude knew my favorite ice cream flavor, color, movie, hell he even knew about my fetish with high heels. I sure he talked to some of the dancers because I have never told him about any of that stuff.”
“Awww, how cute,” my sister giggles.
“Awww how cute my ass, he’s still has a girlfriend remember? I’m trying to keep that as my mantra this time or at least try to envision Jessica’s face if we start heading in some uncharted territory. And he better not try any of the cutesy or sly crap with me or else I’m out.”
“Well at least he’s trying to do the right thing ‘La, I mean it’s obvious that you’re interested in learning about him too since you’re giving him a chance. But like I said, it’s about what makes you happy.”
“I know,” I sigh. “I just hope that I don’t mess things up again by dealing with these two.” As soon as I finish my sentence, my cell starts ringing.
“Who the hell is calling you at this time?” Ava enquires.
Looking at the ID, I smile before answering. “What’s up Mr. Smooth?”
“Hey beautiful, I didn’t wake you up did I?”
“Naw, I was just chilling and talking to my sister, who was just about to go to bed right now,” I say half-jokingly.
“Ugh, it’s Nick isn’t it? Fine, I’ll leave so that you guys can cake and whatnot…but ya’ll better not be having no phone sex or any shit like that!”
“Ava!” I exclaim. “Will you get out?”
“You love me,” she says with a cheesy grin on her face before walking out and shutting the door.
“You know I do!” I yell in response. “Sorry about that,” I apologize to Nick for having to listen to my sister and I banter.
He chuckles, “It’s okay babe. So I can’t stop thinking about tonight…and how amazing you were, and how delicious you looked, and how I wish you were with me right now.”
“Look at you starting something that you can’t finish, what am I going to do with you?” I giggle.
“Starting something I can’t finish? Please girl, don’t make come sneak through your sister’s window and give you a repeat of what happened in Vegas.”
“Oh it’s like that?”
“Damn right.”
I laugh at his response, “You ‘ol pussy fiend, sitting here sounding like a damn addict.”
“I am, shit I haven’t had a hit in over two weeks…I’m starting to twitch and crap,” he says jokingly while I crack up.
Even though I was anxious about coming home, after everything that happened tonight”giving my mom a piece of my mind, making up with Justin, performing, and now talking on the phone with Nick, I’ve realized that I’ve done good for myself and that as long as I’m happy and confident in myself and the decisions that I make, everything is going to be just fine.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Hey ya'll, I am so sorry that it's been taking me so long to update these days. I haven't been feeling too hot this past week and then I got a small case of writer's block, but I got past it and got out chapter eleven for you! *happydance* I hope you guys enjoy it and thank you all again for all the awesome feedback, I really appreciate it.
Story Tags: love tourj soloj justin dancer college
