October 28th; Hilton Hotel Brisbane, Suite 9000, 9:12 a.m.
Who am I? What do I want to be? Where do I want to be? Those are some of the questions that I’ve been asking myself while staring in this bathroom mirror. I got up to go pee and ended up asking myself these questions because I can honestly say that I’ve forgotten the answers to most of them lately. I came on this tour to spend time with my sister because I was lost, but these last few months have shown me just how lost I truly am. Needless to say I’m in way over my head, but I can’t blame anyone but myself for all the shit I’ve put myself and other people through. I guess the real question I should be asking myself is what have I done.
It’s so fucking obvious that I can’t and shouldn’t be with Nick and in my own selfish way, I’d rather make a fool of him than break his heart. But I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep pretending that everything is okay, that I haven’t been losing sleep over how I’m going to tell him about Justin and I, that he and I are continuing to grow when in fact…I’ve already killed us. For years I wished, hoped, and prayed for someone like Nick to come into my life, and then he gets here and I just throw him away. I threw away someone so understanding, so accepting…so loving of me and I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever find it again. Yeah Justin said that he wants to love me, but really, can he? Could he deal with everything else that comes along with a person so green to love that she didn’t realize it was right in front of her face before she gave herself to someone else? Could I deal with everything that comes along with being with the Justin Timberlake”the fame, the glitz and glamour, the loss of anonymity, hell the loss of sanity? I should be slapped for the silent tears that are running down my cheeks right now. But I pray that God have mercy on the man that I’m about to make suffer.
“Babe? What are you doing in here?” He asks softly before wrapping his arms around me and pressing a soft kiss to my temple. My body tenses under his hold out of fear and simply because I don’t want to be touched. I must have blocked everything out during my emotional episode since I didn’t hear him come up behind me.
“I was going pee and I guess I just kind of zoned out,” I reply, chuckling nervously and praying that he won’t see the tear streaks on my cheeks. “I think I’m going to grab my stuff and head back to me and Ava’s room ok?”
I try to break free from his grasp, but he’s too quick as he cradles my face in both of his hands. I look down at the floor, the tub, even the toilet, just anywhere but his eyes because if I do, I’ll start crying all over again.
“Hey, look at me,” he says softly. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
I can’t help but look into his gorgeous blues this time…and I let go of the breath that I didn’t realize I was holding. I want to hate him so bad because he makes me weak, weak enough to never want to hate him.
“Justin please just-I have to go okay? I need to leave before my sister star””
“You’re not going anywhere until you tell me what’s going on,” he interrupts me. “Now tell me what is wrong with you.”
We stand there for a few minutes in silence, his hands still cradling my face and sweeping away my tears with his thumbs as we stare into each other’s eyes.
“I’m scared Justin,” I speak up finally, but barely above a whisper.
“Why? What are you scared of?” He asks at the exact same decibel.
“A lot of things actually, but coming clean to Nick is at the top of my list.” I pull away from him this time and make my way back to the bed…the bed that Justin and I have spent the last three nights fucking each other in.
“You’re going to tell him while we’re here?” He asks while taking a seat next to me.
“Justin I have to. I can’t keep stringing him along and having him think that we’re going to be together when I’m involved with someone else. I don’t regret what’s been going on between us, but I need to do this because it’s been eating away at me since that first night and he doesn’t deserve this Justin…he doesn’t deserve what I’ve been doing to him.”
“Then I understand,” he responds as solemnly as I feel. “You have to do what you have to do then.”
“I just don’t want him to hate me,” I say as my voice cracks and the tears begin to flow again. “He’s going to hate me so much and th””
“Shhh baby girl,” he interrupts me again as he maneuvers my body into his lap and places my head in the crook of his neck. Despite all the emotions, fears, and insecurities I’ve been feeling since I’ve been in Australia, I instantly feel all of those things melt away as Justin holds me and gently rocks me in his arms.
“He’s going to be pissed, hurt, and humiliated, but he’s not going to hate you. If he cared about you as much as he told you he did and as much as I’ve heard him talk about you, then hate is the furthest thing from his mind. No one could hate you baby, no one ever could,” Justin coos into my ear.
“Justin you don’t know that, people hate other people every day; I’m no different.”
“Well I would like to think that Nick would understand that you’re human and that people fuck up every day, that our imperfections make us who we are. I know that I would try to view you in that way.”
“Yeah after you’d cuss me out and write a song about me,” I retort. He laughs heartily and I can’t help the few chuckles that escape me.
“There’s my smile,” he says while gazing adoringly into my orbs. “You know Selah, you’re a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for and I know that fear can paralyze the best of us and talk us out of the things that we need to do in our lives. But if this is causing you all this emotional grief, then you need to tell him. Besides if there’s one thing that I hate, it’s seeing you cry.” With that, he ends his sentence by placing a sweet kiss to my lips. I can’t help but weakly smile at the gesture.
“So what happens after?” I inquire.
“What do you mean what happens after?” He replies curiously.
“What happens between us after this is all said an done?”
He gives me a lop-sided grin and I swear I feel my heart skip a beat. “Remember what I told you the other day? Whatever goes down between you and Nick or you and me just know that I’m never going to let you go and I meant what I said.”
Should I be scared right now? I guess I shouldn’t be because I know how passionate Justin is about the things in his life, especially the people he lov”
I look into his eyes again and I see how they’ve darkened in just these few minutes. It’s only been two months, there’s no way that he could really...I mean he was just using the “L” word loosely when he came to my house on Sunday. But then I’m jolted back to the memory of my own words that I spoke to him:
…You should know better than anyone that love does not work according to your schedule…
I’m not going to ask him about it nor am I going to push him to say it because he’ll do it on his own. Besides I’m probably going crazy with everything that’s going on right now. But is it crazy of me to think that I see it his eyes or that I feel it in the way that he talks to me, kisses me, touches me…makes love to me?
“Selah, what are you thinking about right now?” He whispers against my lips and I realize how crazy I must look just staring at him. That’s when I feel my heart begin to race, my breathing become shallow, and my stomach flip-flop. Despite all of that, all I want to do is kiss him.
I kiss the hell out of that little perfect mouth too, each kiss becoming more passionate and aggressive as the moments pass and I feel my back being laid down on the bed. I swear he’s like a drug, only he’s worse than any fine white powder because I don’t think I could give him up even if I tried. He’s an addiction of the worst kind, not because he’s already conquered my mind with the things that he says and my body with the way that he works me, but because he’s beginning to take over the most important part of me: my heart.
Before I know it, his oversized t-shirt that I was wearing and my panties have been discarded as well as his boxers. His lips are making a hot trail down my neck and have stopped at my breasts, taking time to lick and suck on my nipples before making their way down to my bellybutton. I shiver as his tongue dips inside before placing kisses around it and all over the rest of my stomach. In the short amount of time that we’ve been involved I’ve learned that Justin loves foreplay, which is a blessing and a curse. Most times I can handle it and enjoy letting him lavish my body with kisses, touches, licks and nibbles. But as the night goes on and the dick-crazed-nymphomaniac that he’s awaken comes out of me, I want him to work my body until I scream for mercy…and even during those times, I don’t really want him to stop.
I’m throbbing and juicy as hell and ready for him to give me what it is I crave, but I notice that he’s continuing his descent down my body, taking his time to suck and nip at my thick thighs before moving to my calves and ankles. We never break eye contact as I watch his navy blues eye-fuck the hell out of my body and finally land in between my legs. My pussy lips twitch with anticipation as I realize what he’s silently asking me and I give him permission, all without saying a word.
He lowers himself to his knees before his hands grip my hips and tug me closer to the end of bed. I bite my lip in pleasure as I feel his tongue create patterns along my inner thighs and my bikini line. My juicy depths are screaming for release while Justin acts as if we have all the time in the world, but I’m too proud to beg, even though I’m about to explode before he even touches me. My fingers sneak into his soft, short curls and I try to guide his head, but he won’t be discouraged as he continues to tease me into sexual frustration.
“Is someone in a rush?” He asks with laughter in voice.
“C-c-can you just…do it already?” I all but stutter and moan out in question form. I refuse to beg this man, I just refuse.
“Do what?” He whispers against the sensitive skin of my mound before placing a kiss there.
I realize that this is the oddest time to think about this, but I’ve started to notice that I’ve either been on the brink of tears or have burst into them whenever Justin are intimate with each other, this time being no different. Perhaps some would think of that as a weird or bad thing, but it all goes back to how vulnerable he makes me feel. I have friends that I’ve know since I was six years old, a family that has watched me grow into the person I am today, but never have I ever felt so open, so real with Justin and it’s overwhelming but in a good way. As the tears glisten in my eyes and his eyes meet and search mine, he sees that, he understands it, and most importantly he feels it. With that in mind, he stops with his teasing and starts being open and real with me as his lips finally come into contact with mine.
The tears finally roll down my cheeks as I gasp out in pleasure and his velvety tongue explores my depths. He wastes no time delving inside my swollen walls, using his thumb to gently caress my clit as my toes curl in orgasmic anticipation. I try not to succumb to the sensations that he wreaks upon my body, but I can’t help myself as my juices flow freely onto his awaiting tongue. I grab a handful of his hair as my hips began to rock against his mouth, seeking more of him as he sucks and pulls away from my engorged petals with a smack. I have to put a pillow over my mouth when I feel the tip of his tongue brush against my g-spot and my walls start to convulse as they give way to my first orgasm and my euphoric cries reach their peak. But once again, he’s not deterred allowing me to rest only for a few moments before I feel him place sweet chaste kisses to my pearl.
I remove the pillow and watch as he braces his arms around my hips and thighs and drapes my legs over his shoulders. The sweet chaste kisses to my clit turn into passionate sucks and shiver-inducing hums as his name spills from lips in a medley of “yes,” “fuck,” and “oh my god.” That familiar ache is settling in my abdomen again and I know that it won’t be long before I detonate against his tongue once more. But my moans and groans only encourage him to tighten his grip around me and bring me closer, to lick me faster, and to suck me harder, feasting on my body like it’s his last meal. And when he slips two his of thick, gorgeous digits inside of me…I-I…damn.
Ear piercing screams bounce off of the bedroom walls as my juices flow from mine. A light sheen of sweat coats my body as I come down and try to catch my breath. I’m still shivering and shaking as his hands make their way up my body to caress my breasts as he continues to intimately kiss me below my hips. Soon those kisses make their way up my body before landing on the ones above my waist. His lust-filled orbs meet mine and I wrap my legs around his slim waist, bringing his warm body against mine. Fuck, he’s so hard right now too and I want him inside me so bad but…it’s almost 9:45 and I have to go.
“You leaving me?” He asks softly, reading my thoughts.
“You know I don’t want to.”
“Just say you were in the gym getting a work out,” he says with naughty grin.
I laugh, “More like getting worked out.”
“10 minutes baby? Just…okay, 15 tops!”
“You can’t even cum in 20. Now come on, I have to go.”
He pouts, knowing that I can’t resist his big baby self when he does it. “Don’t make me beg you...” Dammit, I’m about to lose this argument. Especially with him sucking on my neck like that.
“Justin…”
“I wanna feel you Selah, I wanna feel you squeeze my dick baby...” he whispers against my skin. I think I just came again.
“You gonna let me feel you from the inside?”
And at 9:44 on a Sunday morning, the nymphomaniac has been awakened. “Where’s a condom?”
**********************************************
Girls Dressing Room, Brisbane Entertainment Centre, 7:31 p.m.
Well 10 minutes turned in 25 before I all but ran out of Justin’s room. I couldn’t run too well because my legs still felt like Jello after busting my third nut of the morning, but after a few lingering kisses in his doorway, I hauled ass as best as I could to the elevator before pressing the seven button in order to make it back to me and Ava’s room. I was sweating bullets of sex and apprehension praying that my sister wasn’t in our room in order to interrogate me. If all went well, I would take a shower, dress, and head down to breakfast where hopefully everyone else was. Turns out God still loved me because the only trace of my sister in our room was the note that she left on my bed stating that she didn’t know where the hell I was, but that she headed down to breakfast with the other girls. By the time I made it downstairs, the girls had finished eating but were still chatting away. I guess I won them over with my lie about being in the gym this whole time, well all of them except my sister who laughed at the mere thought of me getting up early to do anything. But after giving her the stink-eye and calling her out on her own laziness she relented and had no choice but to take my word. But like I said before, my sister ain’t no fool, she’s starting to smell my trail of bullshit all the way from Justin’s door.
I haven’t seen Nick at all today, which sucks because I was hoping to kind of prep him before our relationship-ending, hate-spewing conversation tonight. I guess I’ll just have to wait until we wind down from the show. As much as I want to believe Justin on this one…Nick is going to hate me once I come clean to him. But I made my bed with Justin and I sure did lay in it, so now I have to reap what I sow.
“Earth to Selah…” I hear Michele’s voice interrupt my thoughts. The girls laugh at me and I can’t help but laugh at myself, I guess I was real out of it for a moment.
“And what are you thinking about Ms. Bernstine?” Tammy inquires with some sass.
“More like who are you thinking about…” Dana jumps in. Ugh, if they only knew.
“Hell, I think I’m still trying to adjust to Australian time. I swear I left my brain somewhere in one of those oceans we flew over,” I giggle nervously.
“You sure baby sis? I can hear your thoughts, that’s how hard you’re thinking right now,” my sister asks while she and the other girls laugh at me again.
It really shouldn’t be this hard, she’s my sister, my best friend and of all the people in my life, I shouldn’t be lying to her. She’s looking at me, her eyes practically begging me to tell her what’s going on and I just…I can’t do this anymore.
“Ava, there’s somethi””
“Ladies…are you decent?” A knock and a raspy voice asks us.
“Is that Eddie out there sounding like his throat needs a lube job?” My sister cracks while the rest of us die of laughter.
“I think it is,” Nanci says before getting up to answer the door. “We need to make sure that he drinks plenty of water tonight.”
“And gargles with Jergens afterward to keep his throat moist,” Tammy throws in, making us double over in fits of laughter once again.
We were correct in our assumptions as Eddie, Sky, Marty, and Nick enter our dressing room. Just his presence makes me want to go crawl in a hole and die; I’m not ready to face him yet. But when my browns meet his usually sleepy blues, I see no emotion. The usual shine that’s there is missing and even as he smiles in front of everyone, I know that it’s not genuine. I feel a dull pain in my chest as that smile slides right off of his face when our eyes meet again. I know I’ve been given a lot of chances to make things right and I know I haven’t taken them, but please don’t tell me this is happening right now, just…I won’t believe anything or get myself hyped up until this show is over and we make it back to the hotel. Until then, Nick just has the case of performance jitters and we are just. fine.
I make my way over to him with a hopeful smile on my face. “Hey babe, I’ve missed you today,” I say while wrapping arms around his neck. He returns the gesture by limply wrapping his arms around my waist.
“Oh yeah?” He replies with disinterest, but I don’t let it get to me. I can’t let it get to me.
“Yeah. Where have you been?”
“I could ask you the same question.” And just like that, our conversation stops. We sit and stare into each other’s eyes and I start to feel that burn in my throat when I’m trying to hold back tears. I can’t admit my guilt, not here, not before we’re about to take the stage in front of all these people.
“Nick, I””
“We need to talk when we get back to the hotel,” he interrupts me coldly.
“Okay.” I reply barely above a whisper before he walks away and joins everyone else.
And so it begins and here I was hoping that God have mercy on his soul. I just hope after all is said and done God will have some mercy on mine.
*************************************************************
11:54 p.m.
Lord have mercy on my soul
For I have walked the sinful road
And I'm down on my knees
Lord have mercy on me, please
It’s crazy but I feel like I’m walking down the green mile or some shit. I have that familiar feeling in my heart where I feel like it’s about to burst due to all the anxiety and apprehension. It’s the same feeling I had when Nick and I first kissed, the same feeling I had when Justin and I first had sex. My legs feel like lead with every step I take toward Nick’s room, but I need every ounce of strength that I have because I need to tell him the truth and as much as it’s going to hurt, I need to let him go. At this point, I don’t care if I leave this tour alone; I came here that way didn’t I? Frankly I don’t deserve Nick or Justin based on my actions because I’d rather have no one than be resented for who I would have chose.
I knock on his door before I hear his voice telling me to come in. It’s as if the room knows that something is up based on the way the lamps cast off a dismal glow. But it’s nothing compared to the sight before me that sends hot tears cascading from my eyes: Nick sitting on the side of the bed, dejectedly hunched over with his head in his hands.
Jesus, I must confess
That in all my loneliness
I've forsaken and I've sinned
Leavin’ fragments of a man so broken
I stand there, just staring at his broken form. But before I allow myself to become an emotional mess, I have to get this out.
“Nick”” I croak out before stopping. I hadn’t realized how my throat feels like sandpaper and my tongue feels like molasses. But I start over again anyway, slowly but surely.
“Nick, I need to tell you that I haven’t been completely honest with you and that I’m doing this because I don’t want to hurt you anymore than I already have. I know that I told you that I was willing to give us a try, but I can’t…because I don’t deserve a try.”
I could tell you what I've done
Or should I tell you where I went wrong
“We’re not even together and it hurts so bad for me to tell you this because despite what you may think, I care so much about you…so much about you that I have to tell you that Just””
“How long?” His voice cuts through me like a razor blade and makes me loose my train of thought. But I know what he’s asking and as much as I didn’t want to believe it, tried to push my suspicions aside, he knows. He’s known for a long time.
“How long wha””
“Don’t fucking play me Selah,” he seethes, finally showing me his puffy, bloodshot eyes. I want to fall over and die right now, but I don’t deserve such a cop-out way to go.
I watch as he gets up and begins to pace. “How long have you been texting him, calling him, spending time with him, hugging him, kissing him? How long have you been lying saying that you were one place when you were really with him? How long have you been lying to me, convincing me that you care about me, that you were committed to making us a real thing? How long have you been lying to yourself?”
I can’t even answer him because everything that I’ve tried to keep shadowed in darkness is finally coming to the light and I can’t run from it this time. All I can do is just stand here and cry.
“How long…” he pauses to swallow the lump that’s in his throat. “How long have you been fucking him?” That question alone elicits a sob to tear from my throat and escape my mouth before I can stop it.
“You know when I saw the two of you this morning in his doorway, I didn’t even want to believe it because I knew my Selah, my beautiful Selah wouldn’t do that to me. She’s too kind, too selfless, too loving to hurt someone in that way. But then…you were wearing the same outfit you wore to rehearsal on Saturday and he was shirtless, skin fucking flushed from FUCKING YOU!!” He bellows the last part, making me flinch and cry harder.
“So tell me, how long?”
Well the more that I start to play, yeah
My deceitful evil ways
Keep growin’ stronger by the day
“Things first started happening in New York, at the club. I know that I’ve given you no reason to believe me, but we just danced together, that’s it. We flirted with each other after that, but I decided to leave him alone because I had you and he was with Jessica. But when we got to Vegas, things got out of hand the night that you guys danced for me,” I pause to sigh remembering how disastrous that night turned out to be.
“I left my cell phone in Justin’s room and when I went back to get it, one thing led to another and he…he touched me””
“Where?” He interrupts, his question sounding more like a statement.
I sigh uncomfortably again; does he actually want to know? I really hope he doesn’t ask for details about the night Justin and I first had sex. “He fingered me Nick. But when I got a little too caught up in the moment and asked him to break up with his girlfriend because what we were doing was wrong, we got into a huge argument. He called me a hypocrite because if he was cheating on Jessica, then I was cheating on you, so I decided to leave him alone for good that time. But he apologized for what had happened between us and he seemed genuine so I suggested that we become friends, you know start over from scratch. Well that led to him asking for my number””
“And fucking your brains out? What an endearing tale, Selah,” Nick cracks sarcastically. “Since we’re on the topic, the one topic that you claimed you had no experience in, that you wanted to wait to do, when did it happen huh?” He asks while getting all up in my face. I never knew that his sleepy blues could harbor so much anger and disgust, but those two emotions seem to ooze from his pores when I finally answer his question.
“A week ago, the night before we left,” I answer quietly while looking down at the floor.
“Is he the reason why you’ve been staying at the hotel these last few nights?” He asks solemnly. The silent tears begin to roll down my cheeks again as I nod affirmatively.
He mimics my actions, “Okay…that’s all I wanted to know.”
I watch as he walks away from me and returns to his spot on the bed. “That’s all?” I ask meekly, but he doesn’t respond. I make my way over to him, falling to my knees in front of him.
“Nick, I didn’t come here expecting forgiveness, but if there is any chance that you will, I…” I trail off as my emotions get the best of me and my body shakes with silent sobs. “I’m sorry, I just need you to know that I’m so so sorry…”
Oh Lord have mercy on my soul
For I have walked a sinful road
So I’m gonna get down on my knees
Beg forgiveness to help set me free
Lord have mercy on me please
“Selah, if this were any other person I would have told them off the second I saw them with someone else or I would have kicked them out of my room a long time ago. But in two measly little months, I fell hard for the girl that I met in that hotel elevator. Selah I lov”loved you. I saw great things for me and that girl I met, but now…I don’t know where she is because now she’s been replaced by this ugly, hurtful, and selfish person that I don’t even know. I mean where did she go?” He asks as his voice cracks and tears adorn his face.
I bury my face in his knees as I feel another pain in my chest based off of the words he just spoke to me because I’ve been wondering the same thing: Who am I?
“I don’t know Nick, I really don’t know,” I hear myself answer truthfully.
I’ve been careless and I have been warned
And the devil inside me is torn
God bless the man that I have scorned
“Then until you find her, I think it’s best that you leave me alone.” And there it is, the final nail in the coffin that is Nick and Selah and it’s all because of me.
With that, I gather what’s left of me and place a small kiss to his forehead before picking myself up off the ground and making my way to the door. There’s no “See-you-later,” no kiss or hug goodbye, just silence that has suddenly become so unbearably loud. I stumble down the hotel hall clutching my chest in a heap of torn emotions, endless tears, and a broken heart. I was so prepared for him to keep screaming at me, to tell me to go to hell, to hate me. But to hear him say that he loved me, past tense now thanks to what I’ve done, I can’t help but mourn the love that I never knew I had.
I let my back hit the door as I slide down to the floor of my room with my hand over my mouth in order to conceal the increasing volume of my sobs.
“ ‘La, is that you?” I hear my sister ask from the bathroom. I don’t answer her because I know that she’ll hear me before she sees me. A blurry blob is all I can make out through my tears as my sister rounds the corner and runs to my hunched form.
“Selah?!! Selah? Selah, what happened? What’s wrong?” She asks me frantically. But I still can’t find the voice to respond to her.
“Selah,” she says firmly while cupping my face in her hands. “You have to talk to me, you have to tell me what’s going on””
“I’m sorry,” I blurt out suddenly. “I’m sorry…I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt anyone I swear!”
“Selah, what are you talking about? Why are you sorry babe?” That’s when I see my sister’s eyes and I see how scared she is because she knows that whatever I’m about to tell her is going to blow her mind.
Well I’ve gone and confessed my regrets
And I pray I’m not held in contempt
I’m so lost and I need you to help me repent
“Ava…I need to tell you something.”
Author's Chapter Notes:
Hey loves! Here is the next chapter. I'm just going to let you all read because it speaks for itself, just don't send me too much hate mail okay? (haha). Again, I want to reiterate that since I'm back in school, the updates are going to be slower but at least they will still be coming! Thank you all again for sticking with me and this story, I hope you all enjoy your read.
Chapter End Notes:
Lyrics Credit: "Mercy On Me" by Christina Aguilera
Incomplete
SexualCoco is the author of 16 other stories.
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