*Justin*

It felt so good to finally have this release; to be able to kiss the one woman I've wanted to kiss for so long without reserve and know she's returning the same exact feeling. She was an amazing kisser, too. I know I've heard that a person can be good or bad, depending on the opposite party, so maybe, maybe we're good together. We're amazing together. The moment I put my mouth to hers, I had her. She melted into me and let me take her away from her doubts, let me kiss her the way I have wanted to from the first moment I fell for her pout.

My fingers were barely grazing the soft satin of her bra when she broke the kiss suddenly. Hands holding my face, she looked at me, eyes wide. "Justin, we can't do this."

"Why not?" I asked softly, feeling her fingers against my skin, her thumbs resting on my lower lip. I'm already half-past horny and completely past wanting to take her right then and there, regardless of horny. We were both breathing heavily, she not once breaking her gaze with me as her thumbs ran across my lip, unsure of what to say. "Alisan, why not?"

"Because," she said softly, shaking her head as she finally pulled her hands away touching her own lips and looking away from me. "There is another woman, am I right? One that you are now in a relationship with."

"Then I can end it. I can end it so fast if it meant being with you," I said, trying to get her gaze back. If I caught her gaze, she'd listen. She wouldn't just brush off what I say in a mocking sense. "San, seriously. I want you over any woman I've ever had or wanted in my entire life. I'd give up anything just to love you and know you're mine. If I had to give up my career to have you, I would. In a heartbeat -"

"You love your music," she said softly, finally turning to look at me as she realized just how serious I was. "You love it more than life itself -"

"I love you more than life itself," I corrected, her face reddening as I watched her fight back tears. I was gonna make her cry. "San, please ... you have to believe me." I got up, watching as she pulled the bunched up fabric of her shirt back down to cover herself, she putting her hands over her face. "There isn't anything else in this world that I want more than to make you realize just how much I really, truly care for you. You're the one that I want."

"You can say it a million different ways, it still doesn't change things," she said softly, the hint of tears now etched in her voice. "I don't know what came over me when I kissed you back, I don't know what I was doing -"

"You love me, that's why you kissed me back," I said, pushing her. I knew I may have been pushing too hard, but I wanted her to see what I saw. I wanted her take this seriously ... take me seriously.

"We're friends, we can't overstep that boundary -"

"Ten minutes ago, we stepped so far over than boundary that we're in another location completely," I said, watching as she brought herself up, sitting on the edge of the bed with the palms of her hands holding her forehead as she stared at the ground. "We're inbetween 'friends' and 'lovers'. I want to move completely out of this middle phase, San. I want to so badly -"

"We can't," she said softly. "We just can't."

"Why?" I asked, kneeling down and placing my hand on her unbroken leg, turning my head so I was looking up at her saddened face. "Give me a good enough reason as to why we shouldn't be together and I will never, ever bring it up again."

She began to cry harder, and before I could even tell her I was right, that she couldn't find any reason as to why we shouldn't be together, she spoke - it pouring out of her quickly like it was hot to the touch, her eyes widening as she admitted it. "I'm in love with JC."

I didn't know how to take that. I knew she liked him. Liked him a lot. Okay, maybe I knew she loved him, but I never heard her say it before. Her admittance somehow triggered the emotional man in me and I felt tears form in my eyes as I grew angry with her, myself, with our situation. "Fine," I said, holding my hands up in defeat. "Fine. Go lead him on like you led me on," I snapped, ignoring her calls for me as I stormed out of the bedroom, now crying openly as I grabbed my keys and left the house quickly, wanting nothing more than to go drink myself into oblivion, regardless of it being early in the day.

Something stopped me, though. A nagging feeling deep in my gut that had me turning around and going back into the house, pushing her bedroom door open with such force it slammed against the wall with a sickening thunk. "So what's wrong with me, huh? Am I so horrible that you can't just admit you love me, too?! Is that it? Am I this horrible person that you can't even admit you love me, too, for the fear that it may cause your little perfect reputation to go bad? Am I an ugly being and you just can't be seen with me?! What is it, Alisan, huh?! I could have given things that you never thought you had! I loved you more than JC ever would. I don't know what you did, but you did and you had me wrapped around your little finger. You had me, okay?! You had me." I dug my palms into my eyes, angrily wiping the tears away as I then looked at her again, she now standing up, chest heaving from sobs. "You. Had. Me."

"Justin, please -"

In a normal walk, it would take at least six footsteps to be where she was in the bedroom; my two long strides got me standing in front of her, grabbing her face and kissing her with so much intensity that she literally buckled, she holding onto my wrists for support. Hell, she even returned the kiss.

I don't know what was going on with her, but she wasn't taking me down in this sick game. She had me, she now lost me. Pulling away, our mouths still barely touching, I swallowed the lump from my throat. "I'm done. I'm not fighting for you anymore. You enjoy your life as an old woman and your damn dogs." I let go of her face, her fingers slowly falling away from my wrists, fingerprints on my skin from how tight she had been holding me. "Done."

"J, please -"

I held my hands up, silencing her as I turned away from her, hearing her crying as every step I took broke my heart even more. I had to do this, it was the only way I'd be able to move on, cutting off the problem at the source. Though, I wasn't sure if I cut the right source.

Getting in my car, I sat there, slamming my hands on my steering wheel and burying my face in my arms against it. An exhausted sob escaped my mouth as I tried to collect my last bit of sanity, putting the key into the ignition and pulling out of the driveway, headed towards the end of the gated community in a rush to get away from my conscience. And yet, somehow, my conscienceness took me to the last place I wanted to be.

"Justin?"

I looked from from my trek up the sidewalk, giving a weak smile. "Katie, hey."

I wanted comfort. Hell, I needed it. If I wasn't going to get comfort from the one woman that mattered most, I'd get it from a woman who at least liked me.

"You look horrible," she said softly, hand going up to my face and wiping my cheeks where the tears had been. "Are you okay?"

"Better now," I said, giving her a weak smile. She reached down, taking my hand and leading me inside her house. "Just having a rough day, I guess."

"You sure you're okay?"

"Mmm-hmm," I sat down on her couch as she disappeared into her kitchen, coming back shortly with a glass of sweet tea in hand. "Thank you."

Sitting down next to me, I surveyed the woman that was now I guess, my girlfriend. How that happened, I wasn't too sure. We slept together, and suddenly, were together? How exactly does that ... occur? She was beautiful though, much like the women I had always chose to be with: Tall and slender, deep eyes, a beautiful smile. She had deep brown hair and fair skin, almost looking like a doll. She didn't seem easily broken though ... there was something about her that made her almost rough around the edges. She seemed almost indestructable.

"I shouldn't have come here," I said softly, sipping the tea that she had given me and standing up slowly, her eyes following my movements. "I needed to clear my head, be alone ... but here I am, mind racing and I'm here with you."

"Who in their right mind wants to be alone at times like that, Justin?" She asked softly, eyes burning into mine. I felt horrible, even if I kind of ... stumbled into this relationship after a decision that I made, I was kissing another woman when this woman believed us to be together. My heart belonged to the other party and I wasn't quite sure if I'd ever be able to take it from her. "If you want to be alone, I'll understand. I don't know what's going on in that head of yours, but if you ever need an ear, I'm willing."

"Thank you," I said gratefully, placing a gentle kiss against her forehead. "I just ... I don't know why I came here in the first place for this kind of thing. Maybe I didn't want to be alone at that moment, but I do ... right now, I do. I need to be able to sort through my brain and understand what it's trying to tell me because my heart isn't listening at the moment." I sighed deeply, raking a hand through my hair. "Times like these call for a pen and a notepad to write down everything ... but I don't think I could bring myself to write this kind of stuff down -"

"It'd make a killer song," she said with a slight smile. "The best songs are those based on real emotions."

"I know." I sighed again, picking up my keys off of the floor and giving her another grateful smile. "I'll call you later, okay? I just need to be by myself."

She got up, following me to the door. "It's understandable, Justin. Everyone needs those kinds of days."

"Too bad you got to see that the second day in of us being together," I chuckled, she giving me a sad smile. "Or first, I really don't know what would be the day ..."

"It doesn't matter," she shrugged, reaching forward and wiping my cheek with the pad of her thumb. "Go, get your head cleared. Call me if you feel like coming over."

"All right," I nodded, leaning forward and placing a kiss on her cheek. "Thank you for the tea."

She gave a slight smirk, nodding. "You're welcome. Now, go. Go make yourself feel better."

"If that's possible." I replied, walking down the stairs and stopping as I heard her call me one last time.

"J?"

Turning to look at her, I watched as she leaned up against the wall of her front porch, hair sticking slightly to the red brick. "Yeah?"

"No one can make you happy but yourself. The only aid people have in that factor is helping you keep it that way. Happiness is all in your hands, it just depends on how bad you want it."

I nodded, giving her another weak smile as I headed to my car, getting in and driving away quickly, saying my goodbye with a honk of the horn. I didn't agree with that. Not all of it, anyway. I actually believed that I was happy until I realized just how bad I had it for Alisan and just how bad it would get if she ever found out. Lo and behold, she did find out and now, I was as unhappy as I could be. I knew that there was worse to be unhappy about, but my life was normally good and I felt good; this was just one major bump in the road that I couldn't seem to get over or even go around. I had it staring me dead on in the face, it breathing down my neck and squeezing my heart as if it were a stress ball ... clenching, releasing, giving more pressure, letting my heart skip a beat or two, letting it fall back into normal range. That face that stared back at me was none other than Alisan, and she was so unaware of just how much of an impact she was having on me,

I supposed it was borderline obsessive. I definitely was obsessed with the idea of she and I being together ... I wasn't so much obsessed with her, in a crazy stalkerish sort of way, but I definitely thought of nothing but her when it came to my heart and love. People say that there is nothing to compare to your first love, because nothing is better, but she wasn't my first love, nor my second ... not even my third; she was probably fifth, maybe sixth ... my first through fourth could not compare, and if I ever had loves after her, they would never, either. I loved her. I felt connected to her like no other. I saw my days raising our children together, growing old and watching our children raise our grandchildren. I saw us when we were alone at our old age, sitting at the piano and me singing her favorite song to her. Or, on rare occasion, she singing to me.

I saw so much promise within the two of us that I lost grip of reality. Not just a little, but by a lot. I hadn't even thought to pick up a guitar and write something, I haven't even begun to train for the last leg of my tour. I know I was only home for a week, but I was a workaholic, and as soon as I step out of the terminal and through the gates of an airport, I'm already thinking of new ways to fix things from the tour or even add on to it ... I haven't even thought of what was already there. She had taken over my mind, taken over my control, taken over my entire being. And what scared me, after all these years of saying I'd never give up my love for music and never give up my career, I would if she asked me to. I would give up the one thing that has kept me sane and comfortable for the one thing in this moment that was driving me crazy and a loss for emotions.

Funny how something so good could make you feel so bad.