*Alisan*

"You're totally thinking about him."

I looked over at Alyssa, we both vegged out in front of my television at home after a long and boring day at work. "I am not," I mumbled, turning my eyes back to the television. "I'm not thinking about him at all."

"Oh, okay," she laughed, rolling her eyes as she leaned forward and grabbed a handful of popcorn. "So watching Black Snake Moan for the upteenth time doesn't bring him to mind at all? Especially watching this scene in particular?"

I felt my face redden, Alyssa chuckling from beside me. "Shut up."

"God," she said under her breath, "he was good."

"I really didn't need to know that," I said, wanting to turn my eyes to her, but I couldn't break my set gaze at the scene in front of me. Justin played a man by the name of Ronnie, and in this scene, was having sex with a woman named Rae, who was being played by Christina Ricci. As awkward as it felt to watch my best friend play out sex with a woman on screen, I could only imagine if that was what he was like in real life. I know that the director had told him to incorporate some of his comforting moves, and I could only sit there, slightly squirming and very much into watching him, completely naked, grip Rae's face and thrust into her with all he had.

"God, you want him so bad."

"No," I said, not tearing my eyes away from him. "I don't." It wasn't like I was even watching her in this twosome. There may as well have been a black bar over her, because all I was watching was the lines and contours of his muscular back and body move in thrusting motions. I watched his mouth, parted and breathing heavily, near her head as his hand gripped her jaw as he assaulted her neck shortly after; saw the way his lips devoured hers, the way he pressed his body against hers in the same motion.

"You totally do," Alyssa laughed, reaching forward and stopping the movie. Of course, she had to stop it when he was moving upward mid-thrust, mouth barely above hers, body seen in shadows of the camera. "You're getting hot and bothered just watching him! You're face is so red!"

"Yeah, it's red because I'm watching my best friend get it on on television!"

"You wanna get it on with him."

"Argh, Alyssa," I mumbled, reaching behind me and grabbing the small pillow, whacking her upside the head with it while she fell in a fit of laughter. "I don't. I don't know what I want to do."

"I do," she smiling, nodding. "You ... want to ditch Lucas, hop on the next plane and go to wherever he is -"

"Japan," I said, she rolling her eyes. "What?!"

Ignoring my question, she continued, still shaking her head. "Hop on the next plane to Japan, track him down, rip his clothes off and ravage him like you've wanted for so long."

I looked away, shaking my head. "If only it were that easy," I mumbled, she crying out in disbelief. "What?!"

"See?! I told you that you wanted him!"

"Get over it, Lys," I sighed, reaching forward, hitting the 'play' button once more and gripping the hem of my tanktop as I watched him continue his sex scene. Okay, so what if I did want him in that way? And every other way imaginable? So what if I wanted to be with him now? So what if I wanted to do exactly what Alyssa said, and then some? I'm finally getting up to where he is and she's just making me want to deny it all in embarassment. "Can we not talk about how you think I want to ... ravage him?"

"Well, we can talk about how I know you do," she giggled from behind me, dodging yet another pillow as her phone began to ring from the other side of the room. "Oh, that might be Tyson!"

"Go talk to your loverboy, ravage him and think about your own sex life instead of my own," I laughed, she getting up and watching me as she walked away, sidestepping as she looked both ways. "What? What now, Lys? I hate when you have that look on your face."

"Have you and Lucas slept together?"

"I don't have to answer that -"

"Yes, yes you do."

I rolled my eyes, nodding. "We have."

"Recently?"

"We haven't slept together since ... before our trip to his parents' house."

"That is not a relationship anymore," she sighed deeply. "He still hasn't ... come around?"

"I don't even think what we have is a relationship anymore," I shrugged. "But I can't say that I'm not surprised. If the man you were dating found out that you had kissed another man, I think he'd be a little pissed, too -"

"Wait ... what? Who did you kiss?"

"It's not something that is hard to believe," I shrugged. "He is like any typical human ... it was cheating and it was wrong so he got really angry -"

"Who did you kiss?"

"Stormed off and we ended up flying in separate areas of the plane -"

"WHO did you kiss?!"

I broke her gaze, licking my lips and looking to the floor. "Justin."

"What?!" She lifted up the insistant ringing phone, silencing whomever was on the other line. "Gimme a minute." Putting her hand to the mouthpiece, she looked at me, bug-eyed. "We are not done with this conversation, Alisan."

"I figured." Turning back to the television, I was somewhat thankful that the sex scene was over. But as I heard Alyssa head up the stairs for privacy in her phone call, I couldn't help but hit the back button just to watch the simple act of passion once more.

God, I was sick.

Traveling through galaxies on telepathic roads
Seeing in the distance clouds of breath out in the cold
All of my desires waiting for someone to hold
So come to me, so come to me

My phone rang in the midst of Justin's cries of passion, startling me from my erotic vacation, my mental state the only thing getting anything out of it in a long time. Reaching for the phone and not even looking at the ID for knowledge of who it was, I put it to my ear, greeting them, not even turning down the sound.

Bad idea.

"Hello?"

"Well, if it isn't my long-lost San," Justin greeted, his cheerful voice ringing in my ear as my heart started to pound. Jesus, I was all horny for a man who was thousands of miles away and was watching him fuck a woman on television while he unknowingly talked to me?

Genius, Alisan; pure genius.

"Hey, J," I greeted, trying to sound casual. "How are 'ya?"

"... Good." He paused and I swear I heard him laughing slightly. "San?"

"What?"

"Are you watching porn?!"

Not exactly, but for me, it was enough to get me off. "What?! No. I'm watching some weird movie -"

"San, are you watching Black Snake Moan?"

What the hell. How the hell did he know? "... No?"

"You're totally watching it! You're watching me fuck her!"

"It just so happened to be the scene that started to play when you called," I argued, reaching forward and stopping it all together. "Alyssa and I were watching it. She picked it, I didn't. Right now, I don't need mental images of you having sex with someone -"

"Why, you want the real thing, baby?"

I swallowed the lump away from my throat, licking my dry lips at the husky tone he had brought on with that question. There was no denying that I did. "Well, I think Alyssa does again," I lied, hearing him chuckling slightly. "Don't get too egotistical; I don't think she's been laid in a few weeks is all."

"Poor Lys," he said, tsking. "And you? Has fuckwad been good to you?"

"I wouldn't know," I said, sighing deeply. "We haven't exactly been on speaking terms the last few weeks."

"Why?"

"He found out you bought me that Blackberry."

"He was mad about that and not your birthday gift?"

I looked down, toying with the cross necklace encrusted with diamonds, it modestly-sized and not-so-modestly priced. "I told him Gabrielle got it for me."

"San."

"I know," I mumbled. "I can't help it. I just ... I don't need any more on my shoulders than I have now."

"I'm sorry, San."

He may have said it, but I knew that he was happy that Lucas and I weren't on speaking terms as I had wished. At least, I thought I wished. "It's fine," I said, sighing again. "It gives me time alone and time to think for myself."

"Have you thought about ... you know?"

I got up, climbing the stairs towards my room and closing the door behind me, lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling. Inhaling, I could have sworn I smelled the faint scent of his cologne. "I have."

"And?"

I licked my lips again, closing my eyes. "I'm scared, Justin. I'm scared if I chose one thing, I'll lose you. If I chose the other, I'll lose what we have ..."

"San, you have to believe me. I'd never, ever leave your side, okay? No matter what, you're stuck with me. For life."

"As promising as that sounds," I joked, hearing him defend himself as I laughed slightly. "But seriously, Justin ... I am thinking about it. A lot. I just ... I'm still very much scared and lost ..."

"I'll be there to find you if you're lost. And then I'll wrap my arms around you, protect you from the evils that are scaring you ... I'll be the best I can be ..."

I bit my lip, closing my eyes and imagining him lying next to me. Why was he so good to me after all the hell I have put him through? Why had he not given up so long ago? Especially when he had a good woman (though I would never admit it to him) like Katie who never got angry at him for the feelings he had for her, yet the ones nagging him for me? "J,"

"What, San?" His voice was quiet, calm and everything I needed to hear at the moment.

"I miss you."

Lying here pretending that you're closer than you are
Swear I heard you whispering, 'would someone break my fall?'
Memories of kisses from the dreams until the dawn
So come to me, so come to me

"I miss you too, love," he said sadly. "Three more weeks and I'll be home. Can't believe it's already nearing October."

"I can't believe we've been carrying on like this for almost seven months."

"We're like little kids, you know that?"

"I do," I said, frowning. "Playing the stupid playground game of back and forth feelings when neither party knows what to do -"

"I know what I want to do," he said softly. "I'm just waiting on you, San."

"Don't put this all on me, Justin ..."

"I'm afraid it is all on you at this moment," he sighed. "San, you know where I stand. It's you who needs to make up her mind."

"I know."

"It sucked not being able to talk to you for so long. Felt like months had passed and I hadn't talked to you. Not seeing you is horrendous. Whoever decided that oceans should be between the continents and countries is ridiculous."

I laughed. "J, I think nature made it that way."

"Nature sucks."

Chuckling again, I looked up, seeing Alyssa standing at my door. "Hold on, J." I heard him mumble something in response, looking up at Alyssa. "What's up?"

"Tyson is being a bitch, so I'm gonna go down and visit him for a bit," she said, playing with her keys in her hand. "Is that Justin?"

Looking from side to side, I debated whether or not to tell her 'yes' or 'no'. Finally, I nodded, she beginning to make moaning and crying out as if she were in the act, dodging one of my pillows as she left the room, calling out that she'd call me later. God, why am I related to people like her?

"Sorry," I mumbled, hearing him laugh. "What?"

"It was her who wanted to watch the movie, huh?"

"Shut up."

"I knew you wanted my body -"

"Or that I liked the movie."

"That too." I turned on my side, staring at the vacant spot next to me. If I imagined hard enough, I could picture him lying there, facing me. I smelled him, I could probably see him if I thought hard enough.

The nights when you don't call, my life is a catastrophe
I need to feel you close to me
I'm waiting out the storm
'Cause when I'm all alone, I imagine lying face to face
Inhaling every breath you take
I'm waiting out the storm, I'm waiting out the storm

"San?"

"Yeah?"

"Just how much did you enjoy that movie?"

Even without him there, I felt the red creep on my cheeks and up to my ears. My silence must have answered him, because he was now laughing hysterically. "Justin," I whined, he still laughing. "It's not funny."

"Yes, it is," he laughed. "C'mon, San; you know if you had some sort of movie like that out, I'd be all about watching you. ... But just you, though."

At least we had the same intentions.

"There isn't anything good to watch about me."

"Ah, bullshit," he said, voice stern. "Alisan, you're beautiful and you've got this amazing body. I don't think you realize just how many times I've imagined you and I together, my hands going down your flesh, down to your legs and then back up again ... being able to touch any part of you that I wanted and watch your eyes cloud over -"

"You're drunk aren't you?"

"A little," he said, and I knew he shrugged with that answer. "But it's the truth. I've wanted to be with you that way for so long ... wanted to be able to feel your body against mine, feel your deep breathing against my chest as I enter you ... feel you touch me the way I've wanted ... feel that you want me just as much as I have needed you ... and not on the northern region, either," he said, and suddenly, his voice had taken on a low tone. "To hear you say my name in the middle of it all is enough right now to drive me over the edge ... "

Our conversation was not going where I think it is, is it?

"I want to feel your legs wrapped around my body as I thrust into you, feel your fingers rake down my back and grip onto me ... to watch you rock with me in the same motion."

Oh, it definitely was.

Conversation's hotter than a fireman engulfed
Sweeping through my body, causing temperatures to smoke
Every second passing makes it hard for me to cope
So come to me, so come to me

Oh, he was definitely making my mind up the more he talked. But he needed to stop. He was too far away, too out of reach ...

"How many times I lie awake in bed, imagining you there with me. How, when I'm alone I think about what you and I could be doing if you weren't so damn stubborn."

"Hey!"

"Sorry." He sighed. "God, I'm gonna regret this when I'm sober and hungover tomorrow ..."

"Don't," I said softly. "Don't regret this."

"Why not?"

"Because it's good to feel wanted."

"San, if only you realized just how bad I want you. Especially right now, when I'm sitting here, talking to you and everyone else is still at the bar, completely drunk ..."

"Where are you?"

"My hotel room, in bed."

Walking with my fingers and I'm creeping down real slow
Reaching for the places that no one could ever go
Pushing me to ecstacy, you touched my very soul
So come to me, so come to me

Thinking of you, what can I do?
I'm thinking of you ...

Oh, the nasty thoughts that were running through my head. They only became nastier when I heard a muffled moan. Was he doing what I think he was doing? "J?"

"Uh huh ..."

"Are you ... thinking about us right now?"

"... Yeah."

I bit my lip. God, this boy had a way with me. "I'll let you go, then."

"I'm drunk, San. This doesn't ... happen all the time."

Somehow, I didn't believe that.

'Cause when I'm all alone
I lie awake and masturbate
I love to hear the sounds you make
Baby, here I come
Baby, here I come

But I let him believe what he said for that moment. "I know. Call me tomorrow after the show, okay?"

"Okay," he said softly. "Bye San."

"Bye, J."

"Love you."

"I love you, too." I said softly, hitting the 'end' button on my phone and staring at my ceiling once more. Did I actually witness what I think I witnessed over the phone?

But somehow, this conversation had finally made my mind up. I wasn't quite sure how he'd take it.

Oh, oh
Waiting, waiting
I know, I know
You'll come to me
You'll come to me