*Alisan*

In an arena full of teenage and young women (and some men), I had never witnessed a pure moment of silence as I have just now. It was almost as if they were on edge and a movement had startled them, they waiting for the next move before they continued. The silence didn't last long, obviously; the lights dimmed and the stage lights took effect, my ears literally popping from the high-pitched screams.

Standing in the VIP section next to Lonnie and Cleo, I listened to the beginnings of 'FutureSex/LoveSounds' and grinned, this a favorite, but never one that I admitted to because of the context. To Justin, I was quiet about things that dealt with anything in that category. Secretly, those kinds of songs were my favorite (FS/LS, Come to Me, All Day Long I Dream About Sex, etc ...) and I was very intrigued to see him perform this (and every other song) live since I hadn't caught any of his shows before this one since the last club tour.

The screams got louder as his silhouette appeared behind a curtain. I felt almost perverted, like I was peeping in on him changing through a curtain as he sang and did what he usually did to make the girls scream. I watched his hips, watched him move them in sensual ways that brought back the mental pictures of Black Snake Moan yet again, bringing me to shut my eyes and try to mentally erase them. I wasn't going to let my thoughts get away from me tonight. Tonight, it was about his music. Later, it'd be about my decision.

Later.

"This is his favorite part of the show," Cleo said, leaning into me as she spoke over the music. "The energy gets so high here. He's always got this euphoric look on his face!"

I laughed, following her gaze back up to the stage, watching him strut back and forth with the women dancing so scantily clad against him. It was about an hour into the show, we just getting through his medley of songs and 'Damn Girl', the beginning of 'Summer Love' starting and bringing a grin on my face as he looked towards me, pointing at me with a grin. He played it off as he danced, flirting shamelessly with the girls near him and the dancers, doing his little walk back and forth on the circular platform.

"I love this song!" I laughed, dancing beside Cleo and making Lonnie spin me a few times as he grinned, still keeping a watchful eye on Justin. I watched him as he neared us, still very much playing into the crowd and teasing them with hip gyrations and his bright smile, well into the second verse when I saw him turn, point at me and start towards me, singing. I could only look at him in confusion, still slightly dancing, slightly singing along.

Well, I'mma freak you right
Each and every night
I know how to do it insane, girl
'Cause I wanna make 'ya hot
Make 'ya stop, make 'ya wanna say my name, girl
C'mon, baby, please
'Cause I'm on my knees
Can't get you off my brain, girl
But who woulda thought that you could be the one 'cause I ...

I shook my head at him as he gave me a knowing look, continuing to sing along as Lonnie and Cleo both looked at me. "What?!"

Lonnie shook his head in response, Cleo just laughing. Seriously. It wasn't like he sang those words to -

Oh.

That was all it took for me to stand dumbfounded as he continued going back and forth, and suddenly, gape when he appeared back in front of me again, this time, staring down at me as he sang his heart out. In the midst of the screams, loud bass and loud beating of my heart in my ear, all I heard was him.

Summer's over for the both of us
But that doesn't mean we should give up on us
You're the one that I've been thinkin' of
And I knew the day I met you, you'd be the one

And this show could be over ... now.

Of course, after his little eye-to-eye contact with me, I began getting weird looks (not mean, just weird) from the people closest to us. I felt uncomfortable as I felt myself begin to be part of the inquiring minds, wheels turning and gears switching to figure out who I was.

"All right, all right, all right," Justin said, laughing in his microphone as he sat down in front of his piano about an hour later. "I hope y'all had fun because tonight has been a blast for me. It's been especially good for me, having you all here to party with me and having a special person in the audience tonight to finally catch my show. Everyone say 'hi' to my best friend Alisan over there in VIP!" He pointed towards me, laughing as he could see from his position how red my cheeks had gotten. "I know she's gonna kill me after this, so I'm glad this song is last. Before I get all rambling on you guys, I want to thank you for coming out and being a great crowd! This is the last song of the night so I hope you all have a safe trip home!"

I watched him sit down at the piano, beginning to play the introduction of 'Another Song' softly, face set in concentration as he looked down. I took that time to look up at the jumbo screen, his blue eyes suddenly meeting mine through the screen as his voice echoed throughout the stadium, stopping the music completely, the somewhat silent arena mumbling in confusion as he got a sly grin on his face, lifting his head to the mic that was to his right, voice soft.

"This is for you, San."

I reached for my eyes, his sweet dedication bringing tears to them as I felt like the biggest emotional loser ever. His eyes met mine from where he sat, he seeing my expression and laughing slightly as he began to play once more, this time without stopping.

I listened in awe as I heard his sweet falsetto sing, the audience singing almost above his softer tone, thankful that I had speakers near me at this exact moment, hearing the one song that meant more to me than any other song did.

Immediately, I thought back to the time when he first admitted that he loved me. This song had been on repeat for hours on end as I cried myself in and out of sleep, his voice the only comfort I found. The day after, when the song was still on repeat, he somehow knowing that this song would be what I was listening to and nothing (and no one) else. How he had sang it into my voicemail, proving to me once and for all he knew me better than I knew myself. That he knew we were meant to be together. The very same voicemail that was still saved on my old phone that I refused to get rid of. The very song that proved many things to me that I wished I had known a long time ago.

I blinked back tears, hands clasped in front of my face as I listened to him raise his voice to a louder tone, a stronger one taking a stand and making himself heard. What I heard caused me to put my hands to my face, the smile on my face hidden by my palms.

Alisan, you're all I've got
Don't you leave me standing here
Once again
'Cause I'll give you my life
Yes, I would
If you would let me try to love you ...

His eyes met mine in the longest, most heartfelt gaze since probably the first day his feelings came out. I saw the raw emotion, the pain, frustration and love he had for me and towards me, suddenly feeling ashamed for dragging him along for so long. I didn't deserve him.

Suddenly, I felt claustrophobic. The air was thick, the people were close, and I felt the walls closing in faster than ever. I had to get out of there, and quickly. I broke the gaze with Justin, he looking quizzically at me as I turned frantically around, grabbing my purse and leaving the arena quickly. My heels clicked annoyingly against the lineoleum floor, reaching down and ripping them from my feet. I pushed the doors to the outside open, humid air meeting my face as I let out the breath I was unaware that I was holding. God, this was sad.

What was I doing to the poor man? He didn't deserve someone pulling him around on a chain just because he loved them. He deserved to be with someone who wanted to be with him. Someone who wanted to kiss him back, who wanted to kiss him first. Who wanted to feel his body against hers, to make love to because they were the one piece of life that he could never get enough of.

I wish I would have realized what I had months ago. Months ago, it would have been easier to completely walk away or to run to him instead of away from. Now, either way, it's difficult to do either one.

Girls began to pile out, keeping my eyes down as some whispered my name in confusion, while others completely walked past, oblivious to what the others were speaking of. "You all right?"

I looked up, meeting the face of a girl a little younger than me, she looking concerned as she held a cigarette in one hand, tour book in the other. "Yes, thank you," I said softly, eyes traveling down to the cigarettes. "Can I ... can I have one of those, please?" Anything that would release this tension in my head was worth a shot.

"Sure," she said, reaching into her pack and giving me one, waiting for me to place it between my lips as she leaned forward, lighting it for me. "You're Alisan, huh?" It was a simple, not-meant-in-a-spiteful way question, she tossing her own cigarette down and toeing it out. "The girl he dedicated to the last song to? The crazy chicks kept pointing you out throughout the show."

"I guess it's not possible for me to deny that's who I am," I said softly, giving her a weak smile. "Sometimes I wish I could."

"Why? You've got a gorgeous guy who wants to be with you."

"Sometimes, being gorgeous isn't enough."

"He cares about you -"

"That, he does," I said softly. "I guess it's just complicated."

"It's better that way," she said knowingly. "Leaves you guessing and never bored." She gave me a grin, and I couldn't help but smile back. "I'm Tayla."

"Alisan," I said, extending my hand and shaking hers. "Thanks for this," I said softly, holding up the cigarette that was now in my hand. "I appreciate it."

"No problem," she smiled, turning her head as she heard her name being called. "That's my ride. Thanks for being a sweet woman, not a royal bitch like most friends of celebrities are," she laughed. "And look, it'll all work out. You two are good for each other. You compliment one another."

"Oh?"

She laughed, nodding. "Yeah. You're petite, brown hair and eyes, and he's muscular, blue eyes, now brown hair. He's outgoing and loud, you're quiet and reserved. You'd balance each other out. I saw the way you two looked at each other, you thrive on one another. It's cute. Give him a chance, okay? Don't break his heart if you can help it. I'll be rooting for you." She lifted her hand up and waved, disappearing into the parking lot.

Taking a deep intake of the nicotene, I watched as the last bit of girls piled out of the arena, listening to them speak excitedly about the show and about how amazing he looked. I couldn't argue with their points there, closing my eyes and leaning back against the window.

It was finally silent, a few voices still lingering, hoping to catch a glimpse of Justin leaving as they circled around the arena waiting for him. I flicked the cigarette away from me, staring ahead. I knew I wanted to be with him, why did it seem so difficult for me to vocalize this? Why did I push him away instead of pull him closer? Why was I so damn scared of him?

"There you are," a soft voice said, slowly filtering through my mind and settling in my ears. I turned to look at the person who spoke, he approaching with his hands shoved in his pockets and now dressed in a t-shirt and jeans. "I didn't get to give you my after-show ritual hug," he added sadly. "Why'd you leave?"

"Claustrophobia," I said softly, eyes looking around at the few girls who kept their distance as he neared me, eyes studying me. "I just needed air ..."

"You missed the end of the show."

"I saw the song."

"I know, but still ..."

"J," I said softly, reaching for his upper arms and running my hands down them, placing my head at his chest, looking down at our feet. "I'm pushing you away."

"No," he said softly, resting his chin on the top of my head, "you're leaving me behind."

"Same difference."

"Not exactly," he replied, moving his chin so that his forehead was against the top of my head. "You'd be in my reach if you were trying to push me away; leaving me behind leaves too much distance between us."

"I'm sorry."

"I know."

"Good."

"You smell like cigarettes."

"Guilty."

"San ..."

"I want to love you," I said softly, finally raising my head so that I was looking up at him, not caring about the girls around us. "I mean, I do love you. I want to love you and be loved by you. I want that, I just ..."

"Stop running away from me, San," he said, keeping his voice low. "Stop running. Take your -" He looked down, chuckling at my bare feet. "Do what you're doing now and take your shoes off. Sit down and let me catch up to you. Let me be on the same page as you are. Let me be the one who runs with you, not after you."

"I'm tired," I said softly, feeling his arms wrap around my shoulders and hug me tightly. "Can we skip the club tonight and just go back to the hotel? I just want to lie in bed with you like old times and watch movies until we fall asleep."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "I miss that."

"Me, too." He reached down, entwining my hand with his as he led me back inside and towards the dressing room so that he could gather his stuff so we could go through the backway. "San, I still want an answer, you know."

I looked over at him, he looking forward this time. "I know." With that, he squeezed my hand, we continuing down the hall in silence.


"All right, so what movie we watching tonight?" Justin asked as we made our way into my hotel room, figuring no one would bother him here rather than in his room. "Please, tell me it's not Dirty Dancing again ..."

I grinned, reaching in my bag and pulling that movie out as he groaned. "Oh, come on, Jutty," I said, pouting and putting my hands on my hips. "We haven't watched it in forever and it's a tradition!"

"God, how can I resist that face?" He sighed deeply, rummaging through the pile of clothes he had taken from his room before we came down to mine. "Go change, I'll put the movie in and call room service for some pizza or something."

I nodded, reaching in my bag. "I'm gonna take a quick shower -"

"Quick, as in half hour quick or an hour quick?"

"Like, five minutes quick. I just want to wash off this shimmer and the ... cigarette smell out of my hair."

"I still can't believe you were smoking."

"Don't lecture me, pot boy," I said, giving him a stern look and a pointed finger as he gave me his best puppy dog look. "Ten minutes. Time me."

"You bet my sweet ass I will," he grinned as I rolled my eyes, going into the bathroom and taking a shower in record time. I pulled on a tour shirt just for kicks and a pair of deep pink shorts, brushing my hair and running a hand through it to keep it wavy as I turned the light off. It was still boggling my mind as to what to do or what to say to him. The time had to be right and the words had to be right. I couldn't just come out and say it. It'd be wrong of me.

"Hey, pizza will be here in f-" he stopped, eyes going up and down my body with a smirk on his face. "Five minutes. Nice clothes."

"I thought you'd like my choice in attire," I laughed, grabbing the hem of the black shirt, his face staring up at me. "I happen to like the shirt."

"I hope you like who is on that shirt."

"Nah, I just like the cottony feel."

"Ah, bite me," he laughed, sitting down on the bed as he tossed his cell phone and room key onto the nightstand. "We all know you love the face on the cottony feeling shirt."

"How could I not," I laughed, turning towards the door to answer it as a man called 'room service' through the door. Justin came up from behind me, giving the man a tip as he accepted the food, letting me take the beers from his hand. "Thanks," I smiled, the man disappearing down the hallway as I closed the door. "Pizza and beer. What am I? One of the guys now?"

"For now," he shrugged. "We watch your movie, we eat my food."

"Figured," I laughed. "You know I hate beer."

"You'll learn to love it."

"Or I can have water."

"Or I can force you to have the beer and get you completely drunk."

"Justin Randall," I said, raising an eyebrow and watching him pull his shirt off, leaving him in his flannel bottoms, "are you trying to seduce me?"

"I dunno," he grinned, taking a swig of his beer as he watched me from the top of the bottle. "Is it working?"

"Hardly."

"Then nope. Just wanting to get you plastered."

I scoffed, sitting down on the bed and leaning up against the headboard as he mimicked me shortly after, hitting the button on the remote to start the movie. "Just a warning though," he said, suddening pausing it and looking at me, "if you begin to recite every line from the movie, I may have to smack you."

"I'll call the police."

"I dare you," he grinned, leaning forward and kissing my forehead. I leaned into him, he inhaling deeply. "You smell good."

"I did shower."

"Thank God."

"Bite me."

"I would. You smell like watermelon and berries. All fruity and fresh."

"Just like you."

"Hey, hey, hey," he laughed, reaching behind me and wrapping an arm around my shoulder and pulling me closer to his bare chest. "We all know that I love women."

"I'm not women."

"I don't love you."

"Liar. You know you do."

"But do you?"

"Love me? Of course I love me. I'm amazing."

"No. Love me."

I looked at him, tilting my head so I could see him fully. "You know I do."

"I know," he grinned, breaking the tension before it started. He set the beer back down, leaning his head against mine and smiling. "This is nice. I missed this."

"Me too," I said softly, watching as Baby sat in the back of her father's car, looking out the window and narrating. "A lot." I quickly forgot about the pizza and beer, the warmth of his body comforting as I closed my eyes, listening to the words of the movie and thinking about how right this felt. How right he was for me, how right the timing was.

But yet, I couldn't tell him.