*Alisan*

"They're here!"

I turned my head from pulling the two pizzas from the oven, hearing Justin's kiddish squeal as he ran from the living room towards the front door, ready to greet his family and best friends who had all seemed to arrive at the exact same moment as if it had been planned all along. Laughter and loud smacks from kisses were heard as he greeted his mother and grandmother; firm handshakes and the so-called manly hugs to follow with Paul, Trace and JC.

Manly. Justin talked more on the phone with Trace and JC than he did with his own mother. They were like family, and seriously, a hug is a hug. Hugging someone because you missed them doesn't label you something you're not. Hug the men, damnit.

From my understanding, Joey, Lance, Chris and their respective significant others (wife, partner, girlfriend and let's not forget Brianna) would also be appearing shortly, cueing my retreat back into Justin's pantry towards the large freezer, grabbing three more pizza's to cook.

It would have been so much easier with a larger, restaurant-sized oven.

I cried aloud as I accidently gripped the rack of the hot oven, immediately placing my palm into cool water and cursing under my breath. Great, like I need any more scars on my body. Let's add one looking like a checker box on my palm to make it festive.

"Little girl, did I not tell you to wear mitts when you're playing around in the oven?"

I felt a smile form on my face in spite of the burning sensation on my hand, turning to greet the woman standing in front of me. "Lynn!"

"Hi, sweetheart," she smiled as I walked away from the running water, hugging the woman tightly. "How are you? Cooking up the mutual territory kind of food?"

I laughed, reaching behind me and turning the water off and nodding. "That's if, if it doesn't burn all my skin off, first ..."

"Speaking of," she said, reaching down and taking my wrist, turning it over so that my palm was upward. "It's not too bad. C'mon, let's go put some burn gel on it and let Mama Harless deal with the rest -"

"No, I can't let you do that," I said, still letting her lead me into the bathroom to tend to the burn, "I'm playing hostess to Justin's entertainer. I can get it -"

"I know you can. But I'd like to help. I hate sitting around while the men talk about stuff that lacks importance to me," she laughed. "Right now, they're discussing whether or not to get beer on draft for Justin's party or to just get cases upon case."

"My kind of conversation," I scoffed, she laughing slightly from in front of me as I sat down on the side of the tub, nursing my hand. She reaching in for his first aid kid, sitting down on the toilet as she sorted through the assorted medical necessities for what she had been looking for. "Thank you for doing this."

"What are mama's for?" She grinned, holding onto my wrist as she placed the gel onto the burn, immediately feeling relief. She reached for some gauze as she studied it, smirking. "My little accident prone Alisan," she said sympathetically, smirking. "It's gonna blister a bit, I think," she said, eyeing parts of the burn. "I'm going to put a light layer of gauze on it so the gel stays on it."

Before I could even reply, she had started to wrap my hand a few times, we both looking up at a familiar presence that had made himself known with a click of his tongue. "Hey, JC," Lynn had drawled in her southern accent that I had come to love dearly. It made me miss mine - the remainder of it a broken southern belle-type accent with Californian thrown in for good measure. "What brings you here? Beer boring you?"

"Beer could never bore me," he grinned as Lynn got up, cleaning up what she had taken out and placing everything back in the cabinet. "Justin went upstairs to grab something and Paul, Trace and Grams are all in the living room. I just came in to see my friend who I haven't seen in weeks."

"I see how it is," Lynn faked hurt, "you don't see your second mother in months, and all I got was a 'Hi, Lynn' with a little hug? You come in here to see her ..." She shook her head, smiling as she squeezed his arm, looking back at me. "You and I need to talk later on, okay? Nothing bad, just catching up."

"Oh ..." I looked at her retreating form, confused. "Okay."

"So what did you do now?" JC sat down on the toilet hands resting over his legs as he studied my hand. "Cut yourself?"

"No," I shook my head, looking down at the now somewhat painful throb happening over the gel, "burned myself on the oven."

"Oh," he said simply, bringing his eyes up to me and smiling. "I missed seeing you."

I felt my stomach warm up at his words, giving him a smile and meaning it. "I missed you too, Jace."

"You look pretty," he observed as I stood up, smoothing down my pair of black jeans as I cocked my head to the side, unsure of his compliments. "Pink is a good color on you," he said, referring to the sweater I had on, glancing out the window and wishing snow would grace it's presence down upon us.

Wishful thinking, Alisan. Wishful thinking.

"Should I not say stuff like that?" He asked, raising an eyebrow in confusion. "I just thought that -"

"No, it's fine," I laughed, "thank you. I was just ... wishing snow would appear."

"In LA? Never."

"I know."

"Can you believe it's already December? Christmas is like, two weeks away."

"I know," I said, turning to look at him as he studied me. "What?"

"I don't know, I just ... I haven't seen you so happy in a long time. It's ..."

I waited for him to finish, his lack of words puzzling as I leaned into him and hugged him tightly, he reciprocating it fully. "Well, what about you? How are things with Brooke? Is that the lady of the hour?"

He laughed nervously, shaking his head. Sometimes, it really did bother me that JC tended to have a problem with keeping relationships. I knew he was scared of deep commitment, of marriage ... and with his age, and the age of women he dated, it was a wonder why the didn't leave sooner. He was an amazing man, with a kind soul, but it was a dead-end relationship and they all knew it. Here, he was thirty-one-years-old and hasn't kept a relationship going for more than six months in the last few years.

He'd be an amazing person to marry. If only he could see that. And find someone who could show him that.

"I really have missed you."

I broke from my trance, looking at him ... really looking at him. He looked tired, ten years older than he really was ... this wasn't the JC I had remembered from months ago. "I know," I said softly, leaning into him and hugging him tightly. "What's wrong, darling dear? You seem lost ..."

"I'm not lost," he said, shaking his head and licking his lips. "I just ... I've had a lot on my mind and on my plate these past few weeks and I really don't know how to cope. It's driving me crazy and I feel as if I'm going to lose it if I don't figure out how to handle it soon."

"Jace," I took his hand, pulling him into the bathroom and shutting the door behind us. "What's going on? You're not thinking about suicide, are you?"

He let his shoulders raise slowly and drop almost just as slow, eyes never meeting mine. "I'd never do that, Aly. I've just felt like ... sometimes, there is only one answer. It's kind of like suicide. But I don't think I could ever bring myself to that, so you don't have to worry -"

"I always worry -"

"I know," he said, cutting me off. "Just, don't, okay? I wouldn't. I couldn't. I'm too chicken to even do something about that kind of thing."

I swallowed hard, licking my lips and watching as he did the same, noticing how dry and chapped his lips seemed. God, why hadn't anyone noticed this on him before? This was not my JC. "What's on your mind, Jace? You know you can tell me anything. Tell me what's going on in that beautiful little head of yours."

He brought his eyes up to me, and I could only hold back the gasp as I noticed how incredibly dark and transparent his eyes looked. They looked as if they were part of the black hole, a never ending circle of deep blue that, although you thought you could see to the bottom, it was just an illusion and you lost yourself and nearly lost it all.

"I can't."

"Jace, please." I reached forward, gripping his clammy, lifeless hands that hung as I held them. "Please."

"Please, don't make me." He looked down, and I could have sworn I saw a tear drop fall. "I can't do this ... it's not worth it."

Take what you need
'Cause I can't hold my breath

"You're worth it. To me, it's all worth it." I paused, hearing laughter down the hallway as I brought my attention back at his face, studying it for any sign of breakage. "Joshua Scott, please. You're scaring me."

"Never in my entire life would I ever want to hurt you. Or Justin," he said softly, licking his lips once more. "You and Justin are the only things I've got here that have kept me from moving closer to home, living the life that I dreamed when our group went on hiatus. I had this dream in front of me, and suddenly, this dream, I willingly gave up for another friend's happiness because he meant more to me than myself and I watched him build up as I slowly crumbled ... and now I can't take it anymore; I can't take what I did to myself."

Say what you feel
'Cause I've got nothing left

"What did you do?" I released my grip from his hands, they falling limply to his sides and he looked away, hiding his face with a hand as he pressed fingers into his eyes. "What did you do?!"

He sighed deeply, pursing his lips and then biting his lower lip, "I let myself fall in love with you."

I looked at him in disbelief, eyes wide. "Excuse me?"

"Everything all right in there?"

I jumped at Justin's voice, hands shaking at my sides as I let the words settle. "We're fine, J. Just talking."

"All right. Well, the pizza is almost done."

"Okay," I called, shocked at how calm I kept myself and my voice. "We'll be out in a minute."

I stood there, waiting until Justin had disappeared and looked back at JC, leaning forward and hitting him hard upside the head. "What the hell were you thinking? How could you fall in love with me? You showed no interest!"

"I always felt for you," he said, frowning. "I just, I didn't feel it as greatly as I did when I realized you were no longer within my reach. I never wanted to say anything because I never wanted to drag you down a road we knew would end, but then I felt so horrible after a while and I realized that maybe you were different ..."

I hit him again. And again. He cried out in protest, grabbing my wrists and stopping me from more assault as he looked at me hard in the face. "I can't believe you -"

"I can't believe me, either."

And if I lose it all
There'll be nothing left to lose
And I would take the fall
'Cause knowing you are out there breathing
It's so wonderful
It's a chance I take even if I break
And if I lose it all
If I lose it all ...
It wouldn't matter anyway

"You all right?"

I turned to look at Justin as he stood in the bedroom doorway later on that night, studying me as I sat on the edge of the bed, head hung low. "I'm fine," I said, forcing a smile. "What makes you think otherwise?"

"I don't know," he said softly, crossing the room and sitting down next to me as he slid a comforting hand up my shirt and peeling it off, pulling me against his chest as he kneaded gentle circles into my upper back. "Whatever it is, it's weighing heavily on your shoulders," he replied, pressing harder as I hissed out in pain. "Talk to me."

"I'm all right," I said, now feeling a bit better as his touches continued on my back, comforting me in ways that words could never do.

"Really?"

"Really, really." I pulled away, locking eyes with him as he nuzzled his nose against mine, eyes closed as I kissed both eyelids, leaning my forehead against his.

I loved Justin. JC was our best friend. JC loved me.

What was I going to do?

Don't change a thing
Perfect as you are
Time has a way
Time is all I've got
If my heart should shatter watching you
There'd be one less thing I'd have to prove

I felt tears form in my eyes as I thought of the predicament I was in now. JC was miserable because of his best friend's happiness; his best friend got the one thing he had realized he needed more than imagined.

And I was the one thing that answered both of their interests for love.

"Hey," he said softly, pulling away and tipping my chin so that I was looking at him. "No tears. What's going on?"

I shook my head, placing my head on his shoulder as he wrapped his arms around me, caressing my face gently as the silent tears fell. "I'm all right."

He knew I was lying, but just like the man he is, he didn't push for a response. Pushing would bring on more tears, and he knew that I knew no man could handle more tears than anything.

And if I lose it all
There'll be nothing left to lose
And I would take the fall
'Cause knowing you are out there breathing
It's so wonderful
It's a chance I take, even if I break
And I lose it all
If I lose it all ...

Bringing my face back up to his and cupping his cheeks in my hands, I studied the beautiful face that had loved me for so long, let him look at me as he always did ... wondering why suddenly I'm deserving of two of the most amazing, beautiful men's hearts. Why suddenly, it seemed that there would be a battle to the death: JC's broken heart against Justin's.

Neither way seemed to be a winner to me.

"San, whatever it is," he said softly, tone breaking my thoughts once more, "you'll get through it. You're strong and you'll know what to do. You always do."

I wrapped my arms around him, placing my mouth against his as I kissed him softly, holding the kiss as he fell slowly backward onto the bed, arms holding onto me so that I'd never go.

Heaven will be waiting
When I fall into your open arms
I believe you'll find me there
You'll find me there

I want to be back to my old life where none of this occurred. I want to go back to a time where none of this seemed real.

I want to be five again.

"I love you," he said softly, breaking the liplock and brushing hair away from my face and behind my ear. "I love you more than you can imagine."

Pretty much.

I kissed him again, tasting my salty tears on our lips and inhaling at the same time.

If this was some shitty dream and I was part of some obscene prank, get me the hell out of here.