*Justin*

It was bitter cold outside. It surprised me, actually. Being in the area I lived in for so long, I was used to some cold fronts coming through, but normally, seeing frost on the windows was a different thing to see. I can't say that I wasn't welcoming it after all the sun I had seen all year.

Though, cold makes my mood drop severely.

But not as much as San's mood. For the past few weeks or so, she had been more quiet than usual, looking lost in her thoughts and troubled everywhere she went. I knew that she received a phone call from her mother saying that her dad was pretty sick, they giving him a life expectancy anywhere from six months to a year, but he had been sick for a long time and she wasn't very close to the complete opposite of her. She had been bummed all day after that phone call, but as she had said, life goes on, but it didn't seem to go on very well for her.

Numerous times I had asked her what was wrong, if something was bothering her, but she never said anything to make me believe that what came out of her mouth was anything but true. She was still affectionate to me, but she seemed a bit disconnected. Her warmth had cooled quite noticeably, tone dulled dramatically. She seemed less social towards my friends, JC, especially - which shocked the hell out of me. Up until a few weeks ago, around the time of her father's news, she and JC were still very social towards each other.

I pondered if maybe the two of them had fought, both sides completely stubborn and it would not phase me to hear that their silent treatments towards each other were the reasons why they hadn't talked; she was still pissed, she needed to cool off. But, I thought more, and even the way she looked at me was different: she looked at me as if she were trying to piece a puzzle together, to figure something out. No longer did she look at me like I was something treasured that was lost so long ago and suddenly found. I was no longer that light in her eye.

It had to be me.

I heard the front door open and close quickly, Alisan's protests to the cold echoing throughout the downstairs as I imagined her toeing off her shoes and peeling her coat away from her body, lazily throwing it on the rail going up the stairs. She'd toss her purse, keys to follow as she'd approach the kitchen and towards the back room where I was and -

"I hate cold weather."

Turning my head with a slight smile on my mouth, I met her dull eyes as she sat down next to me. Suddenly, I was tired. Suddenly, I was sick to my stomach and didn't want to deal with anything.

Suddenly, I felt like I had made a wrong decision. Was she not happy with me? Was she beginning to feel for JC what she had felt earlier but had pushed away from the miniscule feelings she had for me?

God, I felt like a loser.

I turned to look at her, she staring straight ahead at the television as we watched 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas' for the upteenth time since Christmas had passed almost a week ago. She loved the movie, and I tolerated it because of her love for it. She was still dressed in the hunter green cable knit sweater my mom had sent her for Christmas, along with a pair of black pants, her feet no longer covered as she curled them underneath her backside, the deep red of her toenail polish evident from just barely underneath her. Her wild hair had been tame for most of the day, it now slightly wild and piled on top of her head in a clip. Her eyes were watching the television, ignoring my stare or completely oblivious of it.

Reaching for her hand, I felt her grip onto mine and turn to look at me then, every so oftne glancing back at the television. "I love you," I said softly, and for the first time, I saw the dull barrier in her eyes break, saw the light I had seen in them before. But, just as quickly as the light appeared, they dulled again. "You know that, right? And that you can talk to me about anything?"

She finally kept contact with my gaze, nodding slowly and squeezing my hand. "I love you, too. And I know."

I licked my lips. I never pushed her to talk, but I had to. This had to stop. "Then talk to me. I want to know what's going on in your head, what's making you so ... unlike you."

Her face paled and I knew I had her. She knew I knew something was bothering her. "I'm all right, Justin. I'm just worrying about my dad -"

"I know that's not it," I said quickly, she looking at me in shock as I said it. "I don't know why you won't tell me, but I promise you, you aren't alone. You're not by yourself, San; I'm here. I'm not going anywhere."

She toyed with the earrings I had bought her for Christmas, seeing tears form in her eyes as she shook her head. "I know."

"Then what is going on?"

She looked over at me, shaking her head. "Don't worry about it, okay? I'm taking care of it. Nothing big."

"Alisan -"

"Stop." She said, voice firm, yet soft. "Just, stop pushing me."

"Fine." I said softly, getting up and walking away towards the kitchen. I needed a beer.

I don't know when we fell apart
The love that we had was like a work of art
I used to see heaven in your eyes
Now angels are falling from your skies

I didn't know what was going on. She was never this hidden, this reserved. This wasn't my Alisan. I didn't like this one. I wanted to take her back and get my old Alisan back.

"I'm sorry."

I looked up, seeing her small form standing in the archway, looking like a defeated child. "For what? Obviously it's none of my business."

"I've got personal demons right now," she said softly, eyes staring right through me. She didn't know how to approach me anymore. "I just don't want you to have to worry."

"Well, that's too bad and too late. I already am." I took a swig of the beer, watching her form over the bottle as she shifted nervously from foot to foot. I brought the bottle down, waiting for her to say more. "And as I can see, your silence really settles where I actually am in your life."

And, now I don't need a beer.

"Justin, come on," she said softly as she followed me through the house towards the upstairs. I was right. Her jacket was on the rail, purse and keys tossed forgottenly on the couch. I knew her too well.

But now, it feels like I don't know her at all.

"Justin, please -"

"Leave me alone," I mumbled, walking up the stairs and towards my bedroom, it once the both of ours but suddenly just felt like mine again. "I need to deal with my own demons." I pushed at the door to close it, hearing her stop it with her hand as she followed me in. Suddenly, I had enough. "What is it, Alisan?! Do you not love me anymore? Is that it? Do you hate me because you're with me? That I took your beloved JC away from your dream of love with him? Well then damnit, go to him! I am obviously not what you want anymore."

The things we said were so wrong
And I haven't held you for so long
My foolish pride turns me inside
Why did we tell all those lies?

She stood there, dumbfounded. After a long silence, she spoke, her tone loud. I actually took a step back at her loudness. "Are you serious? Are you fucking kidding me? Do you actually think I don't love you anymore? God, Justin, I love you more than I thought I ever could love somebody! I could not fathom loving someone like I love you! I could never hate you for coming after me like you did! You showed me that I deserved love! I can't believe you'd think that I would stop loving you!"

"Sure as hell seems like it," I mumbled, watching as she crossed the room to stand in front of me. "You hide shit from me like I'm actually going to hate you for telling me."

"Stop it," she put her hand to my mouth, silencing me as I opened my mouth to argue some more. "J, I love you. I love you so much, okay? Just ... remember that."

I watched as her face fell with tears forming in her eyes, she crumbling before me as I gripped her waist, holding her up. "Alisan, please, just ... tell me what's going on," I said softly, she shaking her head against my chest. "Why?"

"I can't," she said softly. "I don't want to ruin things. Just, let me figure it out, okay? Let me deal with this on my own. Let me have this."

"It's not about me?"

"No."

"Okay," I said softly, she pulling away from my chest and putting her nose against mine, mouth finding mine shortly after. I pulled away, licking the taste of cinammon from my lips, remembering her drinking spiced apple cider earlier. "Promise me you'll come to me if you can't deal with it alone," I said softly. "Promise me that."

She nodded, looking down at our entangled bodies as she held my face. "I promise."

"Good," I said softly, capturing her lips again. Pivoting, I turned so that she was against the edge of the bed, slowly lowering her to the mattress, not once breaking the kiss.

I had to prove to her that I wasn't going anywhere. This was our time to be alone, our time to take ... time. This wasn't going to be rushed and it was not going to be like it normally was.

It's so hard to believe
We're staring at the end
When all we think about is starting up again
Whatever we lost, we were apart
We'll find it all alone in the dark

I took her clothes off painfully slow as I let her undress me, hands traveling gently against her skin and making a map of the places I had gone and wished to go again, she gripping my back as I went from one breast to another, holding onto her as if she'd run away if she escaped my grasp.

"Justin," I heard her say softly as I pulled away from her body, half-lidded eyes slowly traveling up my back and neck to the back of my head, raking her fingers through my hair as I let my eyes drop, her fingers like heaven. "Justin, look at me," she said softly, waiting for me to meet her gaze once more. When I did, she spoke again. "Will you make love to me?"

I felt the slow smile grow on my face as the question settled, raising myself up so that I could kiss her passionately, let her feel each and every part of me that wanted her badly, wanted her to know that I was there. "Of course," I said softly, finishing off the kiss with another, this shorter and gentler. "I'll make love to you for the rest of my life."

She looked at me with tears in her eyes, a weak smile on her face as my smile melted away at her expression, now concerned. "Alisan -"

"I'm okay," she said, taking a deep breath as she reached up to my face, caressing my face. "Better than okay."

I wanted to believe her. In the heat of the moment, I let myself believe her, even when in the back of my mind I knew she wasn't. I'd get to the bottom of the problem. Tomorrow.

There's nothing more that I want from you
Than to lie here together
And stay here forever with you
There's no one I ever knew
That I wanted to spend Christmas with, more than you ...

The tears stayed throughout, even when I felt her clamp her legs tightly against me as she came and called out my name as she peaked and slowly came down. She seemed all right as I lie against her, she gently running her hands through my hair tiredly, we both spent. Even with the love making, this was my favorite part. She felt good against me, felt so good to call her mine. I turned on my back, pulling her against me, feeling her breasts flatten against my chest as she wrapped her arm around my chest, nearly lying on top of me as we both drifted slowly to dreamland.

She pulled herself up so that she was looking down at me, eyes burning into mine. "I love you," she said as if she had said it for the first time, making it sound more meaningful than I had heard from either of us, even though I knew we did each and every time. "Just, remember that."

"All right," I said, looking at her oddly as she lie her head back down. "I love you, too. I hope you remember that."

"I will."

I felt her tighten her grip on my hand. I knew I had a puzzled look on my face, feeling my eyebrows tense as I lie there, confused. Whatever was bothering her, I hope it would turn out all right soon. I didn't like this feeling of emptiness that Alisan had.


When I woke up the next morning, the other side of the bed was empty and cool. Had she been up for hours already? It didn't even seem like it was past eight, a rare thing for Alisan to be up at the time. "San?" I called groggily, hearing nothing but the faint ticking of the clock in the hallway. Had she gone out for breakfast for us? To the store, maybe? "Alisan, you here?"

Getting up, I felt something hard bump my hand. As I looked down, I took in the red Blackberry Pearl that I had bought her. Suddenly, I felt a lump in my throat and my stomach tighten up. Eyes darting around the room, I noticed the missing luggage that she had kept her things in, noticed that her perfumes were off of my dresser.

"Alisan!" I called again, pulling a pair of boxers on as I grabbed a sweatshirt, pulling it over my head as my bare feet echoed down the hardwood floors and down the stairs. "Alisan, where are you?"

When I reached the landing, I froze. Sitting on the coffee table in the sitting room was an envelope with her writing on it. The lump seemed to grow bigger as I slowly approached it, hands shaking. This ... this can't be good.

There's a thousand words that I could say
To make you come home
Seems so long ago you walked away
And left me alone
I remember what you said to me
You were acting so strange
Maybe I was too blind to see
That you needed a change

I picked up the envelope, pulling the flap out from inside it and pulled the small sheet of paper out. Suddenly, my mouth was dry, hands shook more than a normal earthquake, and my stomach was doing more flips than a gymnast. This can't be good. God, this can't be good.

Justin -

I know this is probably the most horrible way to do something like this ... to write a 'dear John' letter and expect it to go over well when you know it won't, especially when you know the person on the receiving end would be more than happy to listen to what you have to say and try and help you, even if it meant he being hurt in the long run after hearing what exactly brought this on ... but this is how I have to do it. I can't do this to you in person. I can't look at you and know that I put that pain in your face, the tears in your eyes ... I can't leave here with that in my mind.

I know you've noticed how I've been acting the past few weeks. There is an explanation, but it's not one you want to hear. Before you fear the worst, just believe me when I say that I've always been loyal, I've always loved you. There is nobody else in this sense. There is nobody but you that I'd rather spend my life with, even with the other sitting on the sidelines waiting for you to crash and burn ... waiting for me to call him in. The one person I love more than life itself is you, and if I can't love you without hurting someone else, it's not fair to me - you know that I hate to see other people upset. This is just a lose-lose situation and I can't bear to see you or the other person on wits end.

You are my world. My life. My best friend. You've always been there, you've always understood me. So please, understand that this is something I need to do. I need to be on my own for a while and sort my life out. I need to go home and make full amends with my father, introduce my life to myself, remember who I was before all of this began to crash down on me. You deserve so much, J; you don't deserve someone like me hurting you the way I am.

Last night meant the world to me. You mean the world to me ... I don't know how many times I can say that, how many times I can tell you I love you without making it sound superficial. I've loved you forever, I truly believe I have - that it just took you to make me understand what love was. I was born to love you, meant to have you in my life. When I get back to that life, I hope ... I hope you will accept me back in it, whatever terms it may be.

I know you're reading this and I know you're growing angrier by the minute. You're wanting to know who this other man is, why he suddenly has such an impact on my life ... but I can't tell you, just know that he doesn't mean as much as you do, but he does belong in my life.

You've opened my eyes and made me realize that being loved is the most incredible thing in the entire world - that it takes one person to have sex with another, but two to make love. I dreamt of marrying you, Justin ... did you know that? Dreamt that we'd marry and we'd have these beautiful children with this amazing life that everybody would be envious of because it was real. I know that it would have happened. You and I fit.

I'll be in Georgia for awhile. Please don't come and try to find me ... I need this time alone. You, of all people would understand. You have every right to be mad ... angry ... pissed ... but please, get over that and understand I'm only doing this for my sanity, for my heart.

You are my heart. You're every breath I breathe, every step I take. Don't ever forget that, Justin Randall. My best friend from the beginning, my best friend in the end.

I love you. More than words could say. Please, don't ever forget that - even if you move on and fall in love with some beautiful woman that deserves you more than me.

Always,

Alisan.

I felt tears in my eyes, but I didn't cry. What the hell was I supposed to do with this? She didn't want me to come after her, she didn't want me to worry about her. Well, both things I wanted to do. But, I was a big boy, I'd listen to her.

Was it something I said to make you turn away?
To make you walk out and leave me cold?
If I could just find a way to make it so that you were right here
Right now

Suddenly, I became very aware of how empty the house felt, how broken my heart was, and how bad my eyes burned. I sank onto the couch, letting the tears fall as I cried. I wanted my mom.

I've been sitting here, can't get you off my mind
I'm trying my best to be a man and be strong
I drove myself insane, wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains you're gone

But the truth remains you're
... Gone