*Alisan*

You've been alone, you've been afraid
I've been a fool in so many ways
But I would change my life
If you thought you might try to love me

So please
Give me another chance
To write you another song
And take back all those things I've done
'Cause I'll give you my heart
If you'll just let me start all over again

I held my cell phone in my hand, staring down at it as if was something I had just recently discovered. How had he known I was listening to this song? Better yet, why did he have to sing it and make me feel like shit? It was supposed to be him feeling like shit ... not me.

I wanted to forgive him. It was a stupid, drunken mistake. All I wanted to do was to run up to him, beat the shit out of him, then just let him hold me the same way he did every time. He held me as if he'd be afraid I'd slip away, leaning his body into mine, arms wrapped around my waist and upper back, head resting on the crook of my neck.

Why hadn't I realized this before? That's not just some friendly hug. JC gave me friendly hugs.

Argh.

My best friend was in love with me. How was I supposed to react to that? Me, of all people. No one ever fell in love with me, not even the nerd that sat in the front of the class ... none of the boys that I grew up with wanted me, neither. Then suddenly, this ... man, who could get anything he wanted with a snap of his fingers just fell in front of me. Well, more or less, stumbled in front of me. I should be happy that someone actually does love me ... but I'm not.

I'm so angry at him. Just when I get into the life I feel as if I'm going to have and finally become content with it (though not necessarily happy), he goes and turns it upside down again. I knew it wasn't his fault. I needed someone to blame. I didn't want to blame myself for the way it happened, my life just seemed to have settled and then he comes and kicks the dust up and I have no idea what to do.

But why was I so angry? I got up, digging my palms into my hands and pulling my hands away, shaking them to release the tension that was in them from clenching them. I need to let my anger out. I needed to release it before I blew. I grabbed my purse and my phone, jogging down the stairs where Alyssa was, she exercising in front of her television to some Pilates video. "I'm going to the studio," I said quickly, she jumping, not aware that I had been behind her. "Sorry."

"It's all right," she said, brushing her hair out of her face. "You gonna be okay?"

"Dancing is gonna get my aggression out," I stated, giving her a simple nod. "I need this. I haven't done it in a while."

"You want company?"

"No," I shook my head, watching as she crossed the room, placing keys in my hand. "Take the SL. It's great to relieve stress."

"Lys, the studio is only a mile or so away, I can walk -"

"Nonsense," she held her hand up, waving the comment off. "Trust me. Turn the radio up, let the top down ... you'll feel so much better, girl."

"All right," I said softly, holding up the keys in gesture. "Thanks."

"Uh huh!"

I turned to look at her before I left, she already back to the Pilates and way too in tune with herself to probably even remember that she gave me the keys to her most expensive car in the large driveway. Oh well.

She had three cars. Of course, Alyssa was a typical woman: if it looked good, she wanted it, no matter the price. They were all decent cars, but the SL stood out against the black SUV and sedan, the bright red paint popping against the contrast of the other two. I played with the keys in my hand, slowly walking around the front and sliding in, it still smelling new. She also wasn't lying about the sound: as soon as I started the car, I was deafened by her cd that had been playing, the bass way too loud and bouncy for me.

I hit the shuffle button, not caring what cd played as I pulled out. As I hit the road itself, a smirk formed on my face as I heard the music begin. She had listened to me and bought the cd. This, for some reason, made me very happy as I reached forward, turning up loudly once more, pushing the pedal down and driving as fast as I could without feeling as if I had lost control. Thank God she lived in a somewhat private place where no one tended to go.

I couldn't help the grin that formed on my face as I sang loudly. This is what I needed.

I opened the door, the air conditioning cool on my face. It was always warm in California, but today, it was particularly hot and the tank top and cotton jeans I had borrowed from Alyssa seemed like it was too much.

I went to the stereo, flipping through music and finding one I liked, setting it in the player and flipping it to the track, more tempted to do a mix of modern and ballet than anything else. The slow movements calmed me, while when I began part of the modern, it got my adrenaline pumping and I felt so much better after. I immediately felt better once I began dancing, thankful my ankles kept in line.

"How did you know I'd be here?" I turned slowly, watching as he approached me, each step he took resulting in me taking a step back. I couldn't read his face, but I knew he could read mine: startled, confused, irritated.

Shrugging, he pulled his hands out of his pockets and spoke. "I know you like the back of my hand, San. I know that when you get angry and you don't know how to release it, you itch to dance. And, here you are. I know that when you are fighting back tears, you bite you lip, just like you are now. I know that you planned to be an old lady with so many dogs you wouldn't know what to do with yourself. That you're so ready for love but refuse to believe that anyone could fall for you. That maybe you feel the same way about me as I do with you and you're afraid to face it. That you want to be with me just as much as I want to be with you ..."

"That's where you're wrong, Justin," I said softly, shaking my head. "I don't want to be with you. I don't feel for you. I respect you, you are my friend. That is all you are to me. You aren't what I'm looking for."

"Then what are you looking for?"

"I'm looking for the door so I can show you the exit," I licked my lips, taking a deep breath as I stepped past him, pushing open the door and looking at him and then motioning with my eyes for him to get out. "This isn't how we're supposed to be, Justin. You'll see that and you'll be happy I refused."

"No," he said, stepping up to me as his eyes burned into mine. "You'll see that we're meant to be together You'll see that I love you more than any other man could possibly ever and you'll be happy to know that it probably won't ever go away and I will always, always want you. You're it for me, Alisan. And if I have to wait forever, then fuck, I will."

"Justin -" He cut me off, his mouth against mine before I could even finish the first part of my sentence. His mouth was eager, yet behind the eagerness, I felt the longing and warmth that he had shown. But I couldn't do this. I just couldn't. It would ruin us more than we already were. "Justin," I pushed away from him, he not looking startled. "We can't. You can't. Please, just go -"

"San -"

"Go."

He sighed deeply, shaking his head angrily. "Fine. Fuck it. I give up. All the cards on the table and it's your move. Have fun." He brushed past me, slamming the door behind him as I jumped at the loud echo it gave like a roar of thunder.

I let my head drop back, rolling it from side to side as I cracked my neck, clenching my eyes shut as my hand went to my mouth, still feeling the warmth radiating off of it from his lips. I got an unfamiliar feeling in my stomach, it feeling like a mix of butterflies and it dropping to my feet. Soon after, his face met the back of my eyes and I only felt deep regret.

Now this was new ...