*Justin*

After sucking on the same piece of pretzel rod for as long as I can remember, I'm wondering why I hadn't done it before. Sure, it sounds odd, but once you get past the thickness of the pretzel, it snaps easily and takes concentration to keep that from happening.

Right, like that's a rocket science.

But, it has kept me from thinking about Alisan and our predicament. That has to mean something. I probably would win the record for the longest pretzel sucking. As sick as that sounds, I probably would.

She had left about two hours ago to go down for a couple more x-rays to make sure her bones were fusing properly and to get blood work done. My boredom had gotten the best of me, and now I was slowly walking down the hospital corridors with my hand to the cool linoleum of the wall. The nurses probably thought I was crazy, my trip back up and down the hall nearing the hundred times mark, same pretzel hanging out of my mouth like a limp cigarette or a forgotten lollipop.

But it wasn't forgotten. I kept it on my mind so that it (my mind) wouldn't travel elsewhere. It had already happened a few times, and it would drive me crazy.

A haunting melody began to play over the intercom in the halls, my ears perking up as I recognized it. This hospital seemed to like to play elevator music. Well, not so much, elevator music, but the kind of instrumentals that you'd find when you entered one. No voices, just music that would be left in the back of your mind until you placed just exactly what it was and how you knew it. But this one, this one wasn't hard. I knew it as soon as it began. The musical robot (my nickname from Alisan, after she realizing I could name that tune in less than a measure, less than a second into a song) in me instantly knowing. If I didn't know it, after listening to it for the first time, I would. I stored anything and everything, that was how I was.

This song, it wasn't any different. It wasn't a favorite, but it was at the same time. It reminded me so much of Alisan and her love for the cheesy ballads (our group's songs included) that nearly made her cry. This song, it did make her cry. This song ... oh, this song. I had caught her numerous times on my piano playing it softly, singing to herself in her sweet little soprano and letting the music take her to a place nothing else could.

I took the pretzel out of my mouth, turning down the deserted end of the hallway and singing to myself. I'd totally shoot her for getting me to know this song, though, I had to admit, it wasn't the worst I had heard. In fact, it was probably one of the better arrangements I had heard of this song in a while. Maybe it's because I refused to let myself listen to what was then my competition and part of another group after the same thing my group was after, but I respected that they fought for what they had. They did pave the way for us, though we kept the door open longer when their hiatus began. We outsold them numerous times, outplayed them ... but they still came out on top.

I scoffed, shaking my head. Sometimes, I wished I was part of our group again. To be part of something that I knew I belonged. I knew there were people that made sure I felt as if I belonged: Alisan, my mom, JC, Joey, Lance, Chris ... but I didn't feel as if I belonged in the music industry alone. Hell, maybe I did ... maybe I just didn't know what I needed to do within the industry. Or maybe I was bored because I couldn't be in on all the jokes that happened when *NSYNC wasn't on a permanent hiatus. I just felt like I needed to belong. Slowly, I felt as if the world was phasing me out, that I'd no longer be welcome where I was, or anywhere for that matter.

That feeling was the worst feeling in the world ... next to knowing that you can never get the one you love because they don't love you back.

God, their songs fit my life better than my own did ... and I wrote them for my life, about my life. Shoving the pretzel back in my mouth, I leaned up against the wall, feeling the coolness hit my neck and slowly make it's way through the thin confines of my t-shirt onto my skin. I couldn't make sense of anything anymore. I was losing sense of things, of myself, my friendships.

I felt like I was rambling in my own mind, not making sense of what exactly I was thinking about. The only people that could make sense of me where Alisan, JC and my mom. My mom, not so much, as we haven't been around each other as much (I'm not as much of a Mama's boy as everyone thinks nowadays) and JC is like a brother from a different bloodline. He understands me, but sometimes, he plays the big brother role way too much and I can't handle him. Sometimes, he does what he does for the best, and I realize it after, but right now, I don't think he could even make sense of me.

And Alisan. She of all people would understand me, because she was me in every way, shape and form. Well, not shape, because she's obviously a woman, but she thinks like me, she feels like me, she lives like me. The only difference? Her self-esteem is so much higher than mine. No joke. While she may think low of herself with love, I think low of myself in every aspect. The business I am in, you have to have a hard shell to take all the negativity thrown at you, and after 12 years, it seems to have finally started to break me.

I need a vacation. I need to put my brain on break and stop thinking what I think because it will eventually (if not too soon) drive me crazy. My career is driving me crazy, my personal life is driving me crazy, my love life above all else is driving me more than crazy, it's driving me mad.

I don't deal with rejection well. I can't say that I'm used to it, either. I know I'm not the most good-looking man in the world, but I know what factors of myself and my body women desire and I flaunt them: the smile, the body, the eyes, they lure in women because they show my confidence. Lose them, and all you've got is my too-big-for-my-face nose, my slightly sticking out ears, my somewhat veiny temples, and I always felt like I had an egg-shaped head.

Just call me Humpty Dumpty.

Groaning, I ran a hand through my hair and pushed myself off of the wall with my foot. I was supposed to be leading this extraordinary life, and up until my confession, I felt as if I was. Now, all of a sudden, nothing is making sense and I feel as if my life couldn't get any worse. Rejection, accidents, stalling movie career, questioning music career ... oh yes, my life, it was extraordinary.

And the fact that I want to take the one woman that would complete one of my best friends away from him to just make myself happy is horrible. What kind of person does that? Just the thought of what I had thought to myself made me sick. Sure, you had to put your happiness in front of people sometimes, but not when this happiness was more deserved to the opposite party than it is to you. And believe me, JC deserves so much more than me right now ... especially dealing with my dumb ass for all these years.

I made my way down the hall, still carefully sucking on the pretzel and trying to bring my tired mind back to the project at hand ... er, mouth. The nurse at the station looked at me weirdly once more, slowly giving me a smile as she looked down to her papers. I saw her attempting to look at me as I walked away in her peripheral vision, trying to make her studying me less obvious, but after  being in the public eye for so many years, I knew when eyes were on me and when they weren't. And her eyes were definitely on me, it was definitely creeping me out.

I stepped into the room, Alisan already there and sleeping. I bit down hard on the pretzel, it snapping in half as one of the pieces flew to the floor. Damnit. I tiredly ran a hand down my face, studying her: her head was tilted to the side furthest away from the door where I stood, but if I sat down, I'd be in her line of vision. I didn't need that now. But she was sleeping, I didn't have to worry about it. Her leg was covered in a plain white cast, while her arm was covered in pink casting up to her mid-bicep.

Slowly easing myself into the chair and keeping the creaking legs as silent as I could keep them, I dug my palms into my hands, fighting back angry tears. Why was I crying? This was so unlike me.

Shambles. Pieces. All bits and pieces of my life seemed to have fallen to my feet. I knew deep down that both Alisan and JC were angry with me. Alisan more so, just because JC never wants to cause trouble within any party, he always plays the peacemaker, he is always Mr. Perfectionist.

I hate him for that.

Alisan kept her feelings to herself for the most part. What she did show just so happened to be the bare minimum and she hated when the maximum was thrown at her or was leaked out of her. She didn't like surprises, didn't like when something was thrown at her, especially what I had thrown at her the other day. How could someone remain friends with me after all I have done?

How could anyone be friends with me, period?

"Hey."

I felt her soft hand brush across my forehead and to the top of my head, falling slightly as it cupped the side of my face as her brown eyes studied me intently. "Hey," I said quietly, praying that the angry tears I had pressed back into my eyes weren't evident. I really didn't need to explain that.

"You okay?" Her eyebrows knitted in concern as her thumb found the soothing spot just below my ear as my eyes dropped closed at the touch. "Something bothering you?"

"Yeah," I said softly, shrugging. How did I explain that it just wasn't something that was bothering me, it was everything? That my own mind was the culprit and my heart was the partner in crime? "I think it's just me being tired, letting my mind worry about what I have yet to do and what needs to be done soon ..."

"Oh," she said, not looking as if she had bought it but not questioning it. "Well, you know I'll always listen," she said through a yawn, eyes slowly dropping closed as her hand against my face slowed it's gentle rubbing, "though I may not always want to hear it or agree ..."

"I know," I said softly, raising my eyes as her own slowly fluttered open to meet my own once again, a faint smile playing across her lips as she took her hand away, pressing it against her mouth and putting it to my own in a comforting way. "I know."

"I love you, J," she said. "I may not act as if I do sometimes, but you're the best friend I could ask for, even when you say dumb stuff that makes me mad. You'll always be there for me and I appreciate it. You never cease to amaze me."

I leaned forward, placing a tender kiss on her forehead, feeling the heat of her skin radiating against my lips. She was running a fever. Leaning forward, I pressed the 'nurse call' button, waiting for a response as I leaned my forehead against hers, her breathing deep and even as she fought sleep. "I love you, too," I murmured, pulling away as I heard the nurse respond.

"What's wrong, Miss Turner?"

"She's running a fever," I said back as the nurse responded quickly with a "I'll be down." I sat back in my chair as her eyes followed me, the smile still playing on her lips. "What?" I asked, letting the smile smile form on my own face. "You look like you have a secret and you're trying to keep it from me."

"You never cease to amaze me," she repeated, eyes slowly panning across the room as a nurse came in. "Just remember that."

I watched silently as the nurse checked her vitals, helping make her more comfortable as she paged the doctor to see what he would like to do about her slight fever and if it would delay her going home. Watching her, I realized that maybe, just maybe, not everything needed to make sense to me. Not before, not now, not later ... what would be best would be me taking hold of the situation and just letting it ride through. Life wasn't all about making sense, it was about learning through it all. That the only thing that ever made sense to me was her. And if that would be the only thing in my life for the rest of my life that made sense, I'd be happy. I may not understand myself, but I know she does. She knows more about me than I think I do, and while that may be a bit crazy, it's just how it is. God gives you certain people in your life for a reason, and Alisan was placed in my life because she was the one that made sense of everything, even when I felt as if I were looking at the lost language. She interpreted everything, took my hand and led me through it. She never let me fail, never let me fall behind. She never stopped believing in me.

Now only if I could make her believe in us.

When the nurse left, Alisan was looking at me again, but this time, her eyes were half-lidded and the smile had slowly disappeared. "I think if they give me any more medication, I may become addicted."

Smiling weakly, I reached forward, taking her hand. "I'd never let that happen."

"I know," she nodded. "That's why I have you around. To stop me from doing stupid stuff and to push me into the good."

"Too bad you won't listen to me about a certain good thing ..."

"Justin, please," she said softly, shaking her head tiredly. "Not now, okay?"

"All right," I swallowed, the large lump seemingly still there. Blech. I watched her nuzzle her head into the pillow, trying to make herself comfortable as she began to hum to herself, my eyes widening as I picked up on the song. Was she trying to tell me something, or was it just one of those flukes like the elevator music that stuck in your head?Open up your heart to me and say what's on your mind
I know that we have been through so much pain
But I still need you in my life this time ...

I need you tonight, I need you right now
I know deep within my heart, it doesn't matter
If it's wrong or right
I really need you tonight

I figured out what to say to you
Sometimes the words come out so wrong
And I know in time you will understand
That what we have is so right this time ...

I need you tonight, I need you right now
I know deep within my heart, it doesn't matter
If it's wrong or right
I really need you tonight

I licked my lips, turning my head so that I could not look at her. She was it for me, I knew this. But, I couldn't force it upon her. So, upon this realization, I decided that I needed to move on, be it with her or with someone else. Maybe in time, she'll come around, but I can't wait around forever for her to realize that what we could have would be nothing short of amazing.

I deserved her, I needed her. But I couldn't wait for her any longer.  It was time to make me happy again.