A knock on the door interrupted my misery. I sighed and turned the TV up louder. Whoever was knocking didn’t give up. It was probably Chris. He was always looking up for me that way. Any other night, I would have let him in, but not this night, nor any night in the three weeks. In fact, not any night until she comes back. It was childish, but it was all I could do. That and wishing the sun would come up so I didn’t have to spend another night alone.

It was easier in the morning. I could pretend she’d gone off to work all day, or she was hanging out with her friends. I could pretend she was coming home. It was only at night, when I turned off the lights and slipped under the sheets that I knew she was gone. It’s hard to stare at the empty side of my bed, or the bare bedside table, or the place where her toothbrush used to be. It’s hard.

I’ve been spending most nights watching Price Is Right with the light bulbs blazing. And praying. Not really to God so much as to her. I prayed she’d hear my pain. Mostly I prayed to the sun. I prayed that it would rise a few hours early, just for me. It won’t happen, I know that, but what else could I do? Sleeping was out of the question. I’d just dream of her. Of her beautiful smile, or her tinkling laugh, or her soft eyes.

I suppose it was my fault we broke up in the first place. I made a stupid miscalculation, thinking you’d never leave me. I made her put up with my dramatic tantrums, my late night wanderings, and the cheating. God, what the hell was I thinking? It wasn’t about sex, because heaven knows it doesn’t get any better than sex with her. It sure as hell wasn’t about love. Even I knew I’d never love anyone but her. Ever. My heart belonged…belongs to her. I guess it was a dumb male power thing. I wanted to test her, reassure myself that she loved me as much as I loved her. If she really loved me, she’d forgive my stupidity. Of course, I realize the idiocy of my actions, but she won’t listen to me, and frankly, I don’t blame her.

Joey is still friends with her. She was never very close to the other guys. For some reason, she latched onto Joe. I dunno why. That was probably another reason I acted out. I guess I was jealous of their relationship. It was Joey who told me she was unhappy with us, instead of her.

He told me yesterday that she went out on a date. A date! Here I am, pining for her, and she had managed to already put herself out on the market. It just made me even more miserable. How am I supposed to go on in life if I can’t even admit that I am truly single. She isn’t coming back. Where does that leave me?

It’s because of all that that I’m sitting every night in my bed, curled up in a ball, crying. Yes, I am crying. It may not be very manly, but right now I couldn’t give a fuck. I really don’t. Sometimes I lie on my back and look up to Heaven, and I pray more. Not only for morning, but the ability to see what she was doing at that moment. Probably screwing some man whore.

Deep in my heart, I know that isn’t true. I know she loves me as much as I love her. You can’t just walk away from three years of pure bliss. I just hope that she’s lying somewhere, looking up to God and wishing we were still together. It’s the best I can wish for. And frankly, it’s probably the best I can even expect. I’ve pretty much accepted that she isn’t going to give me another chance.

That doesn’t mean I have to be happy about it.

The knocking stopped, thank god. I just want to be left alone. Left alone, so I can do the only thing I can do since she left me.

Pray for daylight. That’s all I can do. Pray for daylight.