December 25th, 1999

Clinton, Mississippi 

"It's snowin'!”

Annaleigh adjusted the strap to her dress before turning away from the mirror to watch as her dad hobbled down the hallway on his crutches. She laughed lightly before turning to face him. “How does this look, dad?”

“You look beautiful, Sweet Pea,” Ryan replied.

“You said that for everything I tried on,” Annaleigh said with a bit of a pout as she put her hands on her hips. Ryan leaned against the door frame, removing the crutches from underneath his arms, gently putting his cast covered foot onto the floor.

“It’s all true, darlin’,” Ryan replied, an amused look coming to his face. “You looked beautiful in everythin’ you tried on.” Annaleigh couldn’t help but smile as she stepped forward to give him a hug. Ryan kissed the top of her head, blancingo n his one good foot to hug his daughter. “You look more ‘n’ more like your mother every day.”

“Has she called, yet?” Annaleigh asked, pushing up onto the balls of her feet, a hopeful look crossing her face. “Has mom called?”

“No, not yet, sweetie,” Ryan replied. His face contorted into a slight look of pain as Annaleigh seemed to deflate, falling back onto the flat of her feet, her shoulders slumping. “She’ll call, she always does.”

“Yeah,” Annaleigh replied with a nod of her head, trying to put a smile to her face. But, she’s always calling later and later than she says she will. “I just don’t want to miss her.”

“I know, sweetie, I know,” Ryan replied, reaching out a hand to pat her hair. She took a step away from him and he arched an eyebrow.

“Don’t mess up my hair,” she said with a frown and Ryan let out a short laugh of amusement. “Jazzy’s already going to comment on it, I don’t need you to mess it up.”

“You really are just like your mother,” Ryan commented, sticking his crutches back under his arms. Annaleigh’s frown deepened when she saw the light dim from his eyes.

“Daddy,” she said quietly.

“You go on an’ finish getting’ ready,” Ryan said, pointing one of his crutches in her direction. “I’ll be waitin’ downstairs.” Annaleigh twisted her mouth to the side. “Don’t forget you big coat.”

“Sure, dad,” Annaleigh replied with a nod of her head.

Ryan gave her a closed lip smile before reaching out to grasp the doorknob, pulling the door shut. Annaleigh twisted her fingers together before dropping her arms down to her sides, moving to sit on the side of her bed. She looked over at her nightstand as a sigh slipped past her lips. She had two pictures on her dresser, one of her and her mom and one of her and her dad.

Both pictures were taken when she was still a kid. The picture of her and her mom was done in black and white; it was a close of up of the profiles of their faces as they sat facing each other, smiling, eyes closed as they touched noses. The picture of he and her dad was done in color; he had his hands clasped behind his back, bending at the waist, allowing his tie to drop down in front of Annaleigh, who was smiling up at him as she fixed his tie for him.

She couldn’t remember the last time she had even seen a picture of their whole family together. The day she had come home from helping Darren pack and head off to University of Mississippi, all family pictures were taken down, and her mom’s belongings were already out in the front hall in boxes. People sure weren’t kidding when they said that they could do a lot when fueled by anger. It was like he wanted to just get her out of his life.

Not that she could really blame him; her mom did just up and leave. That was the ultimate betrayal and against Matthew 19:16’s scripture. When getting married, the two become one person, one force, one spiritual entity that couldn’t be split. Annaleigh remembered one picture of her parents on their wedding day. It hung in the living room, above the stereo cabinet, with her mom’s vow:

“My husband and I are best friends first and foremost. We fight like cat and dogs, but never stay mad for long. I was lucky to find him. He is, in every way, my soul mate.”

“Yeah, right,” she thought to herself, as she reached underneath her bed for her shoes. She quickly bypassed the heels and reached for her flats, slipping them onto her feet. She looked over at the nightstand towards the phone. “Come on, ring! Ring!”

She stared at the phone for a moment before getting to her feet. She smoothed out her dress with her red and green (with white tipped) fingernails before heading into her closet to grab her coat. She pulled it off the hangar and wrapped it in her arms before making her way out of her room. She flicked off the light before making her way down the stairs.

“Alright, dad, let’s get goin’,” she called. “It might start snowin’ harder while we’re out and I don’ wanna get stuck in ice.” She slid her arms in through her coat before freeing her hair from between her back and her coat.

“Not like you wouldn’ know what to do to get the car out,” Ryan replied and Annaleigh gave him a curious look. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’ I haveta pick you up from the Dale’s house because you were caught doin’ doughnuts on the icy back roads a couple of months ago?” Ryan asked as he hobbled towards the front door, pausing to adjust his coat and the hat on his head.

“It was Darren’s idea,” Annaleigh replied, her eyes widening slightly. She then laughed a little bit. “You never once stopped to think how I learned how to drive without you, did you?” Annaleigh asked, giving her dad a sweet smile. “Trust me, that’s not the worst thing I’ve done.” Ryan briefly closed his eyes, shaking his head.

“I don’ think I want to know anything else,” he said, shaking his head back and forth. “At least not now.” His crutches squeaked as he made his way towards the door. “You’re still goin’ to the Dale’s afterwards? Do you have a change of clothes? Gifts?”

“It’s already in the car,” Annaleigh replied, grabbing the keys off the hook sitting by the closet door. “Purse please,” she said with a smile, holding out her hand. Ryan reached behind the closet door and retrieved a small black purse, handing it to her. “Thank you.”

She gave her dad a bright smile before unlocking the front door, pulling it open. She pushed open the storm door and helped guide him out before turning the light off in the foyer. She closed and locked the door behind them before following behind him to the car. She unlocked the car, opened the door for him, helping him inside.

She then hurried around the front of the car and got into the driver’s seat. Minutes later, they were on their way towards the church. Ryan lifted a hand to reach for the radio, turning up the volume of the Christmas song that was playing. Annaleigh looked over at her dad as she drove.

“I invited mom to come,” she said to break the silence. She watched as Ryan’s shoulders shifted towards his ears as his chest swelled, sucking in a deep breath of air. He let it out in a rush of air before lifting his hand to scratch the back of his neck. “Do you think she’ll come?”

“We’ll see,” Ryan replied. “She hasn’t missed one but…she’s been missing a lot of stuff since she left.”

“Dad—“

“I’m just saying, in between the time she threw the coffee pot at my head and peeling away in her car, she said that she would still be around for you, but she hasn’t shown up once,” Ryan replied in a tight voice. “Not to mention she’s barely called. She hasn’t even asked how you were doing.”

“How’re you doin’, dad?” Annaleigh asked as she pressed her foot to the brake pedal, stopping the car at a red light. “With everything?”

“Honestly?” Ryan asked and Annaleigh nodded her head. “Can’t say that I didn’ see it comin’, we’ve been fightin’ enough.” He scratched at the side of his jaw and Annaleigh ran a hand over her face, resting her elbow on the side of the driver’s seat door.

“You always fought though,” Annaleigh muttered, glancing upwards as the light turned green. “Like, all the time. It’s all I remember.” Ryan made a humming sound in the back of his throat. “Did you just stop loving her?”

“….I still love her,” Ryan replied after a moment of silence. “I just don’t know if she still loves me and if she doesn’t…when exactly she stopped.”

A cold wave washed over Annaleigh, chilling her faster than any slush or ice that could soak through her socks, or by any slush ball that could be thrown at her. Those words came out sounding so defeated, so down, so unlike him, that it scared her. She never really knew what was wrong with her parents, or why they fought, she just did whatever she could to stop the two of them from arguing as much as she could.

“I’m sorry, sweetie, I didn’t mean to-“

“No worries, daddy, I was the one who asked,” Annaleigh interrupted him, giving him a small smile. Ryan reached over and patted her hand, giving her a smile in return.

“I know I say this a lot, but you really are a lot like her,” Ryan said to her.

“Question is dad…do I really want to be?” Annaleigh asked. Ryan let out a heavy sigh setting his jaw. “No, I’m serious, dad. If she put ya through this much pain, maybe I don’ wanna be like her.” She tightened her grip on the steering wheel and Ryan pulled his hand back. He rested his elbow on the arm rest of his seat and rubbed his forehead. “I wouldn’ ever abandon my family. Why get married if you’re jus’ goin’ ta do that?”

She glanced over at her dad when he didn’t say anything. She put her eyes back on the road, reaching for the windshield wipers, turning them on as snowflakes started to drop onto the windshield. Smears of water slid back and forth across the glass, momentarily distorting her vision.

“Your mother loves you, Anna, you know that,” Ryan said. He opened and closed his mouth for a moment. Annaleigh glanced over at him as she reached for the knob to turn up the heat in the car, angling one of the vents towards him. “You didn’t do anything wrong, I did.”

“What does that mean?” Annaleigh asked, quietly.

Ryan let out a heavy sigh through his nose, a pained expression crossing his face for a moment. “I’ll tell you when you’re older,” he replied.

Annaleigh let out an odd laugh as she swung her hand up to turn on the turning single. She slowed the car before turning into the parking lot of the lit up church. She slowly pulled into the parking lot, pulling up into a space, before turning off the phone.

“Oh my stars, dad, I’m seventeen years old, how much older do I have ta be?” she asked, jabbing her thumb into the button to release her seatbelt.

“You better not be takin’ that tone wit me, young lady,” Ryan said, hiking an eyebrow as he rolled his head to look at her. “I may be injured, but I’m still your father an’ I won’t have you talkin’ to me that way.” He released his seat belt from around him and allowed it to slide up his chest before he reached for the car door.

“Sorry, daddy,” Annaleigh replied, running her fingers through her hair. “Do you want me to help?”

“No, I’m ok, Sweet Pea,” Ryan replied, spinning in his seat to swing his legs outside of the car. He reached for the crutches and set them down onto the gravel outside of the car. “You go on and find your friends. This is your night and I don’ wanna ruin it for you.” Annaleigh sat in the car, watching as he adjusted the large sock covering his cast covered foot.

Annaleigh slumped back in her seat, running a hand over her face. The car creaked as Ryan slowly pushed himself to his feet. He slammed the door shut behind him and adjusted his coat and hat before starting to maneuver around the car. Annaleigh reached for her purse and slid the strap over her shoulder, getting out of the car as well.

She slammed the car door shut behind er before locking the doors. She put her keys in her purse before hurrying after her dad, falling into step beside him. She grasped at his elbow and smiled up at him. Ryan smiled back and laughed a little bit before pausing to kiss the top of her head.

“Unfortunately, I think you got your stubbornness from me,” he said to her as they slowly made their way across the slushy parking lot.

Just like that everything was ok between the two of them or at least as ok as they wanted to feel about the situation. It was the most that Annaleigh was able to get out of his dad regarding her mom leaving, and seeing how quickly that conversation turned, she wasn’t going to try and push it.

In short, it sucked.

“Watch out!”

“Don’t hit Mr. Carr.”

“Pleasure seein’ ya, sir.”

Snowballs went flying back and forth across the parking lot as little kids ran around the parking lot, throwing snowballs at each other and sliding down mountains of snow that was cleared from the parking lot and piled around light poles.  Despite the chill that hung in the air, the kids were running around without hats, gloves, or coats, enjoying the snowfall before the service was to start.

Annaleigh pulled open to the door and was met with a blast of warm air. Organ music playing upbeat Christmas songs vibrated through the walls and the floor of the church as the congregation milled in the lobby, hanging up coats and greeting others.

Little kids ran around shrieking, holding stuffed animals, talking about Santa, or munching on small cups of Cheese-itz. Through the doors leading to the pews, Annaleigh could see a group of girls giggling, pretending to ignore the group of boys who stood a few feet away from them, talking to each other.

Annaleigh shrugged off her coat, folding it in her arms, waiting for her turn to put her coat up in the closet.

“Annaleigh!”

“Hey, Jazzy,” Annaleigh said with a smile as Jasmine hurried towards her. Ryan gently tugged her coat from her arms before hobbling towards the closet. A man hurried to his side to help him put the coats up and Ryan gave the man a nod of thanks. But, Annaleigh knew her dad; he was too proud to have anybody help him with something he felt he could do himself. Annaleigh turned back to her friend. “You look great!”

 Annaleigh looked her friend up and down. With a short red dress, cinched at the waist, black heeled boots to go with the outfit, and her hair pulled into a side ponytail, she looked perfect as usual if not a little dressed up. Annaleigh looked down at her simple gray dress with white capped sleeves, leggings, and boots, reaching a hand up to touch her hair.

“Shoot, so do you,” Jasmine replied with a smile before turning towards Ryan, lifting a hand, wiggling hr fingers in a way. “Merry Christmas, Mr. Carr. How are you doin’?”

“Mighty fine, thank ya kindly,” Ryan replied with a nod of his head before gently nudging Annaleigh with his crutch. “I’m goin’ ta find some seats, Sweet Pea. Take your time, but don’t be late for the invocation.”

“I won’t,” Annaleigh replied and Jasmine looped her arm through her friend’s, pulling her through the church. “Loosen your grip, Jazz.”

“I’m just so excited,” Jasmine replied with a smile, tossing her braid off her shoulder. “It’s Christmas, I’m not in school, New Year’s is ‘round the corner, and this place finally has some cute boys attendin’.”

“Don’ let your brother hear you say that,” Annaleigh replied. She then took the time to look around the pews, trying to spot the boy that she had just mentioned. Jasmine clicked her tongue.

“Shoot, not like he isn’t one of the ones you think is cute,” Jasmine replied, hiking her eyebrow as she turned back towards her friend. “Oooh, you’re blushing.”

“I’m not blushing, it’s hot in here ‘cause of the candles,” Annaleigh replied, trying to keep the muscles in her face from shifting and moving to make a face as she heard how lame her excuse was. There were candles sitting in the windows of the church, and some congregants were carrying candles as well.

“Mmmmhmmmm,” Jasmine replied, the corners of her lips twitching up into a smile. She then hit her friend on the shoulder. “Has your mom called? You said you invited her.”

“No, not yet,” Annaleigh replied with a shake of her head, picking at her fingernails. “She said she’d call one way or another, so…” She gave a shrug. “Looks like it’s going to be to tell me she’s missing it.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Jasmine said with a frown, her brown eyes filling with worry as she stepped forward to give her friend a hug. “That sucks, Ace. You’re still comin’ to our place after service, right?”

“Yeah, I’m commin’,” Annaleigh replied with a nod of her head. “And miss your mom’s homemade eggnog? Yeah, right!”

“Right, that’s the only thing you don’t wanna miss,” Jasmine said, a knowing look coming to her face. Annaleigh couldn’t help but laugh. Jasmine then turned towards Lance and Darren as the two boys came towards them. Annaleigh lifted a hand and quickly fixed her hair, gently patting the large claw hair clip that held her hair to the back of her head. “Well, you two sure do clean up nicely.”

“Thanks, Jazzy,” Darren replied with a roll of his eyes.

“You look great,” Lance said, smiling over at Annaleigh.

“Thanks,” Annaleigh replied quietly. She arched an eyebrow as she looked him up and down. “You don’ look too bad yourself, although, it wouldn’ surprise me if you were so used to the costumes you wear on stage.” Lance gave a small shrug before adjusting the tie that sat over his button down shirt.

“Kinda,” he replied. “You know me, I’m not too fond’a dressin’ up.” He then exchanged glances with Darren who gave a nod of his head. “So, we, uh, have a Christmas gift for you.”

“Hey, we don’t open exchanged gifts until after service,” Jasmine said with a deep frown. Annaleigh could just tell that Jasmine didn’t want to be left out, but she did have a point, it was tradition.

After Christmas service, they’d all go to Darren’s place to change, exchange gifts with each other and Lance and Annaleigh would spend the night. Just like they always went caroling on Christmas Eve and spent the evening at Lance’s house, and they spent New Year’s Eve at Annaleigh’s.

She angled her head to the side, her eyes widening slightly. She gave the two boys a pointed look, her perfectly shaped eyebrows inching towards her hairline. “Maybe she’ll want it after,” she said.

“A gift’s a gift,” Annaleigh said, giving her friend an odd look before holding out her hands. She then gave the two boys a smile. “What is it?”

“It’s…not somethin’ you can hold,” Darren slowly replied, exchanging another look with Lance.

“Ok…” Annaleigh replied as more of a question than a statement.

Lance sucked in a breath of air before clapping his hands together, taking a step forward. “After this month is over, *NSYNC’s bass player is leaving the tour,” Lance explained and Annaleigh gave a nod of her head. “Johnny has another bass player lined up to finish the tour, but he’s looking for someone to take the job full time. D and I know, well D more than I do, that things have been kinda hard for you lately, and we know how much you’ve wanted to get out of Clinton to pursue your music, so…we were thinkin’ of recording your bass playin’ tonight to send to Johnny.”

“Kind of like your own audition,” Darren finished and Lance gave a nod of his head.

Annaleigh’s jaw dropped as the words sunk in. Play the bass? For *NSYNC? she thought to herself. “I-I’ve barely played the bass,” she managed to get out. “I barely know how to play.”

“You know Mr. Ellis would have no problem workin’ with ya,” Darren added and Annaleigh’s gaze shifted towards him. “You know…kind of a leg up.”

Annaleigh couldn’t deny that the opportunity was too good to miss; but she didn’t know what to do. There were so many pros and cons, not to mention the fact that she was blindsided by the news. That wasn’t new to her, just like the news about her mom, this news came out of nowhere, and could change her life for better or for worse.

On one hand, it was an exciting idea, and Lance was right, she had always wanted to get out of Clinton. She always wanted to be known for her music, and to do something with her life. The main thing was that she could finally get away from the tension in the house. She’d have something to do instead of wait for school to be over to hurry home and see if her mom had called. All she’d have to do is convince her dad to let her go.

And that was the other problem.

On the other hand, she just couldn’t up and leave, not at this point in her life. Yes, the pay would help in regards to all the bills that were stacking up and she wouldn’t have to worry about working at Ole Miss, but her dad needed her. She didn’t know what he’d do alone and injured. Since her mom left, they needed each other; they were each other’s support system. He was one of her best friends.

“What do you think?” Lance asked.

“I told you not to tell her until after,” Jasmine said in the wake of Annaleigh’s silence. Annaleigh flickered her eyes towards her friend.

“You knew about this, too?” Annaleigh asked her friend.

“Ummm,” Jasmine said, looking over at her brother, silently asking for help before chewing on the bottom of her lip. “Kind of?”

“And you didn’t think to tell me at all?” Annaleigh asked her. Jasmine stayed silent, lifting a hand to twirl a lock of hair around her finger, rocking back and forth on the heels of her boots, her dance background allowing her to keep her balance. “You want to know what I think about it? I think it sucks and you should’ve told me about it before.”

Annaleigh then turned on her heels and made her way through the pews, keeping her head on a swivel to find her dad, dropping down next to him, causing him to jump at the sudden movement. She crossed one leg over the other, crossing her arms tightly over her chest.

“What’s wrong?” Ryan asked.

“Nothin’,” Annaleigh snapped.

“Doesn’t sound like nothin’,” Ryan replied, reaching into the small compartment that held the hymnal and the bible, passing her a hymnal. Annaleigh made a noise in the back of her throat. “Sweet Pea, the last time you were this mad, Darren and Lance made that fort by the creek and wouldn’t let you and Jazzy in. So, what’d they do?”

Annaleigh stayed silent, bouncing her foot. She sucked in a breath of air through her nose, tightening her jaw before allowing her shoulders to slump. “Do you think I could go far with my music?” she asked, turning her head to look at him.

“I always thought you’d be a great music teacher,” Ryan replied and Annaleigh slowly nodded her head. “You always came home talking about how much you loved working with the kids and you’re great with them.” He motioned towards the couple of pews in front of him which were holding the kids who were going to be performing later on. “Even now, I’ve had so many people come up to me to tell me how much their kids have loved working with you.”

And she loved working with the kids, too. They said whatever it was that was on their mind, and didn’t care if they looked or acted stupid as long as they were able to put a smile on her face. For a half hour after school, helping them prepare for the performance, it took her mind off of everything. She could see herself being a music teacher, but she didn’t know if that was what she really wanted to do.

“Is that it?” Annaleigh asked.

“You could do a lot of things, Sweet Pea,” Ryan replied with a shrug. “You could be a music producer, or you could be a session musician, or you could compose, if you work on your singing, you could be a demo singer, a whole lot of things.”

“What about…a traveling musician?” Annaleigh asked and Ryan’s eyebrows shot up. “Like, you know, in a band?” Ryan let out a heavy sigh. “I know we’ve been through this before, but Lance told me—“

“Anna, I have good reason as to why I don’t think you should strive to be a famous musician,” Ryan said, interrupting her. “I’ve been there, it’s long hours, barely any time to sleep, a demanding schedule, you’re not home, you have to perform all the time, long rehearsal hours…there are too many temptations I don’t think you’re ready for.” He then lifted his foot and gently knocked on his cast. “Maybe if I wasn’t injured…”

Whatever you say, dad, Annaleigh thought to herself allowing the conversation to drop as the pastor stepped up to the front of the church to start the service. She uncrossed her arms, holding the hymnal to her lap, tapping the top of it with her fingernails.

She knew she may have overreacted to the news her friends had dropped on her, and she knew that they were just looking out for her, like her dad was doing. But, that was just it. All her life she had people looking out for her, deciding things for her; who she would stay with when her mom left, what she could do with music, or couldn’t do as the case may be, and whether or not she wanted to audition for *NSYNC, and she was fed up with it.

She was going to take matters into her own hands.