-02-

Lance pressed his face into his pillow, letting out a sigh through his nose as he slowly woke up. He reached for his sheets and pulled them up to his shoulder, untangling his legs from the smooth material. He blinked his eyes open, wincing slightly as the bright sunlight filtered through the curtains and onto his bed.

“Morning.”

Lance felt a smile grace his lips as he rolled over to face his boyfriend, Jake. He couldn’t help but smile whenever he was around him. Jake was amazing. They really clicked and they just understood each other.  Jake was a romantic, and he was passionate about their relationship, and from what Lance could see, was completely committed to him. He couldn’t ask for a better boyfriend.

But, he could ask to have the camera removed from his face. Lance lifted his hand and pushed at the lens that Jake held above him. “Another one?” he asked before rubbing at his eyes with his hand.

“You agreed to help me with this project, remember?” Jake said as he set the camera down onto the bedspread. “Besides, you’re cute when you’re just waking up.”

“Is anyone actually going to see these pictures or are they a personal project?” Lance asked, giving Jake a teasing smile.

“A little bit of both,” Jake admitted with a twitch of his eyebrows. Lance let out a chuckle as Jake lifted his camera back up to his eye. He heard the click of the shutter before he lifted his hand to push the camera away a second time.

“Next one’ll cost ya,” he said, giving an impish smile. Jake laughed as he removed the camera strap from around his neck before leaning forward to press a quick kiss to Lance’s lips. A small frown came to his face as Jake pulled away from him. Lance rolled onto his back, resting a hand on his stomach as he peered up at Jake, who messed with the back of his camera. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” Jake replied, his eyebrows knitting together as he scrolled through the pictures on his camera. His eyes flickered up towards Lance as he gave a small smile. “It’s nothing, don’t worry about it.”

“No, what is it?” Lance asked, pushing himself up onto his elbows, before moving into a seated position. He adjusted the blankets around his waist.

He knew something was wrong. It was a little silly to notice, as he should be happy to even have someone to wake up to every morning and to kiss, but he noticed that this kiss was different. It was too quick, too lackluster. Lance used Jake’s kisses to help kick start him and get him ready for the day.

Jake was silent for a moment before he turned his camera around to show Lance the picture on the back. Lance smiled as Jake started scrolling through pictures on the camera of the two of them during one of their outings at the beach. It was before he had come out, before he had avoided phone calls and e-mails, and before he, in a way, avoided Jake.

He could tell Jake was hurting, but he was hurting as well. It was all so new to him, to be out and to have every eye on him, ready to scrutinize every move he made. Jake had been openly gay for years, and he was happy and most importantly, he made Lance happy. That was all that mattered.

Even when rumors were going around about Lance’s sexuality just because of the time he spent with Jake at parties or social events, they had hurtful comments attached to them, and that’s what made Lance hesitant about coming out in the first place. It made him sick to see all the comments about him. There were some good comments (if he had to guess, mainly from the gay community), but it was ultimately, Jake’s love and patience that made him think that everything would be ok.

It was all just so confusing. A part of him was proud and happy to finally be the person he had been hiding, the person he had been holding back for so many years. However, at the same time, he was terrified of what could potentially happen. He didn’t know a lot of people who were gay, especially who had the luxury of being in the public eye (save for Elton John and George Michael, but who didn’t know about that), so it felt like a whole new world for him, and like he was representing a whole new community he had just joined.

It was scary.

But, it was scarier, that he didn’t know how to talk about it with Jake.

So, he kept quiet.

“I’ve just been worried about you, that’s all,” Jake replied, his shoulders slumping slightly as he set his camera down into his lap. He reached out a hand and tousled his bed head, already making his untidy hair even more messed up. Lance closed his eyes at the touch, a shiver shooting down his spine.

“You’ve been really quiet lately.” He then stretched himself out so he was lying down next to Lance, using his hand to prop up his head. “I’m proud of you, you know; for coming out. I’ve never loved you more than I do now. I know you’re scared, but you don’t have to do this alone.”

“I know,” Lance replied.

“Do you?” Jake asked, his eyebrows shooting up. Lance gave him a look of confusion and Jake snorted. “You seem to have no problem cutting yourself off from everybody.” Lance felt his jaw drop. “If I hadn’t called Annaleigh to come—“

“Ace would’ve come anyway if I went any longer not talking to her,” Lance interrupted him, his voice cracking. “You know how much of a worrier she is.” A thoughtful look crossed Jake’s face before he nodded his head. An ache formed in the pit of Lance’s stomach, his heart started beating faster, a warm feeling washed over him, settling at the top of his head. “What is this about?”

“Are you embarrassed about who you are?” Jake suddenly asked. “Or are you embarrassed to be with me?”

“What?” Lance asked, his eyes popping open. “Of course not. Jake, I love you.”

Jake pinched at the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes. Lance got to his feet before rolling over and he was at the edge of the bed. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and got to his feet, adjusting the waistband of his boxers as he did so. He then lifted his hands and ran them over his head as he started to pace.

“You’ve just been really down lately,” Jake continued his explanation. “Not just lately…a lot recently. I can only try and build you up so many times before it becomes exhausting.”

“So, I’m exhausting to you?” Lance asked, his eyebrows knitting together. “I…this is all just so hard for me.”

“You don’t think it was any harder for me, when I came out?” Jake asked with a laugh, pulling his knee to his chest. “Sure, I didn’t have the media surrounding me at every turn, but it wasn’t a cake walk for me.” He pressed his lips together for a moment. “People shut me out, they called me names, they defaced my property—“

“I know, I know,” Lance interrupted him, running his hands over his face before he climbed back into the bed before reaching out a hand to grasp Jake’s. Jake pulled his hand back, moving to scratch the back of his head.

“I don’t think you do,” Jake said, shaking his head from back and forth. “In fact, there’s no way you can. Everybody loved you; you were part of *NSYNC. No one could touch you.” Lance blinked, taken aback.

“So..you hate that I was in *NSYNC?” Lance asked, his mind swirling. “It’s not like I can take that back.”

“I know!” Jake said before putting a hand into his face. “I’m not mad that you were in *NSYNC, nor do I really care. I love you for you, but I don’t love how I always have to build you up. Like only your problems matter and mine don’t.”

Lance’s jaw dropped as he stared at Jake. “It’s just so frustrating,” Jake continued. “You’re excited about what your career will hold, and then you’re depressed when nothing gets picked up. One minute you’re al all for coming out and the next, you want to hide out and wallow after every negative comment you read. There’s going to be negative comments aimed at you for the rest of your life.”

“…Where is this coming from?” Lance asked, quietly.

“It’s not fair for you to be open and willing in the comfort of home and then act all guarded when we’re outside,” Jake continued. “It’s not fair to me. It’s why…I didn’t want to ask, but I thought it was me. I thought I was doing something wrong.”

“You’re not,” Lance replied. He could hear the fear, the worry, and the desperation in his voice. His voice cracked with emotion and he could feel the familiar sting of tears in his eyes, the lump forming in his throat.  “I’m not embarrassed to be seen with you. Not even close. I just…this is all happening so fast.” Jake clicked his tongue, his eyebrows twitching before he turned his head, scratching the side of his jaw. “Look, I get that I’m new at this; being out. But, cut me some slack. I need…I need to figure this all out, that’s all.”

“I thought you already had,” Jake said, his face slowly turning a bright red, eyes squeezing shut. “I helped you figure out the pros and cons to this and you said you were ready.”

“How can anybody be ready for that?” Lance asked, his voice cracking as he waved his arm in the air. He wasn’t indicating anything in the room, more like everything out there. Outside. In the real world. As long as he was in his house, he could escape from the paparazzi, from the gossip blogs, from anybody that wanted to pry into his life. “I just—“

“Need time?” Jake asked, his words dripping with sarcasm. “I’ve given you all this time to figure things out. I thought you were happy.”

Lance opened and closed his mouth. He was happy. He was the happiest he had even recognized him to be in a while. But, he was so used to looking over his shoulder to see if there were photographers running after them, for taking precaution wherever he went, guarding his heart after a couple failed relationships, his demeanor wasn’t just going to change overnight.

That’s not to say he wasn’t trying. He initiated hand holds in public, didn’t look for private corners to hide in (he didn’t plan on giving that up entirely), and tried hard to squelch the nagging feeling to do a quick three-sixty to make sure they weren’t being watched. Truth be told, the secrecy made their relationship that much more fun and exciting when it first started out.

At the same time, it’s what made their relationship hard.

Lance squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head. He didn’t want to talk about this. Or rather, fight about it, not this early, and not when he hadn’t had it all figured out. Not when he was talking off the top of his head, reacting to Jake’s anger and confusion and…heartache?

“Look, I have to get ready for work,” Jake said, turning to roll out of the bed. Lance watched as he made his way to the closet, pulling open the doors with more effort than he needed to. He furiously pushed hangers of clothes aside, looking for a shirt and ants to wear. “We can talk about this later. After we take some time to think about it and come up with some ideas on what we want to do.”

“Are you…breaking up with me?” Lane asked. He watched as Jake’s shoulders slumped as he let out a long, heavy sigh.

“No,” he replied, turning around to face Lance as he shook out a gray t-shirt before pulling it up over his head.  “Let’s just take some time to think about this, ok?”

He then reached for a pair of jeans, pulling them off the hangar before he jumped into them. He bounced on the soles of his feet once, twice, three times as he pulled the material up over his legs and to his waist, sliding up the zipper, and buttoning the button. He quickly stepped closer to Lance and kissed him on the cheek before grabbing his abandoned shoes that lay by the front of the bed.

“Love you, have a good day,” he said in his rush to grab his camera before hurrying to the door. His camera made a thunking sound as it hit the door as Jake grabbed the door knob. He then hurried out of the room, calling over his shoulder, “Whatever it is that Ace is making, tell her it smells great and I’m sorry I can’t have any of it.”

“Oh…kay,” Lance managed to get out, blinking rapidly. What just happened? He dropped back against his pillows, letting out a loud groan.

His hands slapped down onto his stomach, staring up at the ceiling before rolling his head to look over at the empty space next to him. The body heat, the essence of Jake missing from the bed, from the room, leaving the area to feel cold and uncomfortable. Shaking, trying to rid his body of the uncomfortable feeling, Lance climbed out of bed.

Quickly changing, he made his way across the plush carpet and into the rug covered hallway, the smell of bacon and pancakes instantly wafting into his nose. His stomach growled, masked by the sounds of his footsteps on the wooden stairs as he hurried down them before making his way into the kitchen, his feet slapping against the linoleum.

“Mornin’,” Annaleigh chirped, setting a plate of freshly cooked bacon strips onto the island. She smacked the back of Darren’s hand with the spatula she held in her hand.

“Ow!” Darren cried, waving his stinging hand in the air. He watched as Annaleigh turned back towards the stove and he quickly grabbed a strip, taking a bite out of it. “Hey, Lance.”

“Hey,” Lance replied with a sigh, dropping onto the stool next to him. “Surprised you’re still alive.”

“Yeah, barely,” Darren said with a roll of his eyes. “Did you know she kicks in her sleep?”

“Dreaming of drop kicking Wade again?” Lance asked reaching for the pitcher of orange juice, pulling it towards him. He then reached for two of the three glasses in front of him and started to fill them. Getting silence, he looked over at the stove and watched as Annaleigh’s spine stiffened. “Ace, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—“

“Tryin’ to kick him outta bed more like,” Annaleigh replied, interrupting him as she turned away from the stove, planting a hand on her hip. “He snores like a monster truck, ya know.” She then indicated the pancakes that were cooking on the stove. “Plain, blueberry, or chocolate chip?”

“Ace, you really don’t have to do this,” Lance said, sliding a glass of orange juice over to Darren. “Chocolate Chip, please.”

“Also don’ have ta ask you ‘bout why Jake was in a hurry ta get outta here, but I’m goin’ to anyway,” Annaleigh replied with a shrug, reaching for the bag of chocolate chip morsels that sat by the stove.

Lance let out a long sigh through his nose as he lifted his glass of orange juice to his mouth. “Uh oh,” Darren said quietly as he reached for the plate of bacon, grabbing a second one.

“Boy, if you don’t stop doin’ that,” Annaleigh said turning around to face Darren, pointing the spatula menacingly in his direction. “I promise you that I’ll—“

“Ok, ok,” Darren said, pulling his hands back, holding them up defensively. “Geez, you’re more like Miss Caroline that I thought. He then elbowed Lance in the side. He was making himself busy by drinking his orange juice as slowly, and loudly, as possible. “What happened?”

“We got into a fight,” Lance replied with a sigh after lowering his cup. He let out a loud burp and wiped at his lips with the back of his hand.

“Y’see what all that time away from home did to ya?” Annaleigh asked with a teasing smile as she moved pancakes from the hot plate onto a saucer. She turned off the stove, and carried the plate over to the island, setting it down. “Forgot all your manners. You best be happy I didn’ bring that up on tour.”

“No, that’s what happens after being friends with Joey for so long,” Lance said with a laugh as he started to load up his plate. He watched as Darren and Annaleigh exchanged glances.

“What she’s sayin’ is, just come home for a little while,” Darren explained, talking slowly as if he was choosing his words carefully. “Everybody misses you back home—“ Lane snorted, “—and it’s not the same atmosphere as out here. You wouldn’ have ta worry ‘bout paparazzi or anythin’ like that.”

“An’ you’ll be ‘round family,” Annaleigh added. Lance bit back a remark.

He couldn’t go home. Not to a place where his parents weren’t fully accepting of him. Yes, he was still their baby boy, but he could hear the change in his mom even when they talked on the phone. Naturally, she and his dad were worried about him, and wanted him to be safe, but he could tell it would be a while for them to accept him, if they wanted to at all.

He always worried about his mom breaking down over the phone; he could always tell she was right on that edge. He did his best to show her that he was happy, however, he never went into details. He had made that mistake once and could hear sobs, and ask, “Oh, Lord, why?” right before the dial tone pealed in his ear. He could never get those words out of his head and he didn’t think he ever would.

The fact of the matter was, living in a church entered city, being a parent to a gay child could be viewed as worse than being gay yourself. He couldn’t imagine what was going on back home, what they were dealing with. They never said anything to him, but he could sense it.

And it was all his fault.

“You an’ I both know how hard it can be out here,” Annaleigh continued, giving him a small smile. ”Jus’ get away from it for a while.”

“I don’t know,” Lance replied with a shake of his head. “It’d look like I was just running away.” Annaleigh’s eyebrows shot up as her eyes narrowed slightly in a look that said, What do you think you’re doing now? Lance closed his mouth, dropping his gaze down into his lap before looking back up at her. “Good point.”

“It’ll also give you some time to think ‘bout things with Jake,” Darren suggested as he reached for the stack of plates on the table, starting to fix their plates. “What’d you fight ‘bout?”

“He was mad that he always had to help me emotionally,” Lance explained after a moment of silence. He reached for the strip of bacon on his plate and took a large bite out of it. “Said I didn’t do the same for him and that I haven’t figured out what I wanted out of the relationship and out of him. All I said was that this was hard, and he flipped out.”

Instead of using the fork and knife that were laid out, Lance grabbed the top pancake from his stack with his hand and took a large, furious, bite out of it. “I mean, one minute things were going well, and the next, I think he started to break up with me, but then backed out of it,” he said around his loud chewing. “It all came so fast, it made no sense.”

“I hate to say this…” Ace said as she set down her knife and fork, food untouched.

“Ace,” Darren said, with a warning tone. Lance looked back and forth between the two of them.

“What?” Lance asked, feeling his heart speed up. “Tell me!” Darren let out a sigh, waving his hand into the air. Annaleigh briefly closed her eyes, twisting her mouth to the side; the mole on her upper lip disappearing as her lip curled.

“He could be cheatin’ on you, but doesn’ know how ta tell you,” Annaleigh said after a moment of silence. Lance blinked; it was the only thing he could move. “It’d explain his anger an’ why he suddenly lashed out, why he couldn’ handle being patient with you anymore. I don’ wanna compare, but you saw how my parents were before they got divorced. Plus, he was in a rush to get to work.”

“He has been working a lot lately,” Lance muttered.

“Hey, don’ jump to conclusions, it might not be true,” Darren pointed out. It didn’t make Lance feel any better. “We jus’ want you ta be happy, Lance and you haven’t seemed ta be for a while, so…”

The idea of being cheated on made his stomach rock, and a sick feeling appear. He had been cheated on a couple of times, and it sucked. To put so much into a relationship, to do everything you can to make it work, and then find out that your boyfriend had been throwing it all away any chance he got was hurtful and hard to bounce back from. He didn’t want to have to go through that again. Before Jake, he wondered if he would ever fall in love again.

Lance put his face into his hands, rubbing at his eyes. He then sniffed, brushing them back over his hair, slapping his hands down onto the table. “I don’t know what to do,” he said quietly. “This all happened so fast. It was supposed to be a good thing, but, it’s not.”

“Oh, James,” Annaleigh said quietly, slumping in her seat. She frowned as she started to pick at her food. Darren reached over and patted his friend on the back.

“It’ll get better, Lance, it’ll just take time,” Darren said to him.

“How?” Lance asked, his voice cracking. He swallowed thickly, shaking his head. He was getting tired of hearing those words without getting an idea as to how it’d get better. Right now, it was all just a mess. “How is it going to get better?”

“…I don’t know,” Darren admitted, twisting his mouth to the side. “I’m new to all of this, too. So, you’re not alone. We can all figured this out, together.”

“Right,” Annaleigh replied with a nod of her head. “The Three Musketeers.” She then sniffed before startng to cut her pancakes. “Besides, I didn’ like Jake much anyway.” She pointed her fork at Lance. “You’re too good for him.”

Lance let out a weak laugh.