-04-

Lance bowed his head, allowing the hot water from the shower to wash over him, warming him from the outside in. Tilting his head back, he sighed as the warm water slid down his spine, soothed the back of his legs, and puddle at his feet. White suds from the shampoo collected at his feet before twisting and turning down the loud, gargling drain. He raked his fingernails over his scalp, bringing the remnants of the shampoo in his hair into a lather.

His knuckles cracked, from the movement. He closed his eyes, sucking in a deep breath of air. The fruity scents filled his nose and his chest, soothing him. His muscles ached, but his heart hurt even more. The warm air around him wrapped him in the warmest embrace he had received in a long while. He closed his eyes, trying to hold onto that feeling; trying to remember the last time he really felt secure and comfortable.

“Don’t you think we’re a little old to be making forts in the living room?” Lance asked, nursing a cup of hot chocolate as he watched Jake scurry back and forth across the room. His arms were laden with blankets and pillows, which he threw onto the floor to start moving the furniture.”Do you want any help?”

“First; unless you want to have a picnic in the rain…” Jake trailed off, waving his hand towards the window. Lance glanced down at his mug of hot chocolate before looking out at the back windows, watching as the water slid over the glass. “And secondly; don’t worry your pretty little head about it.” He threw Lance a wink and Lance chuckled, stirring the small spoon in his mug. “It’s your birthday, after all.”

Lance moved to sit on the arm rest of the couch. He was twenty-six. It was weird of him to think about. He had called Chris “old man” and any other teasing jokes about his age when he first got into *NSYNC. Now he was the same age Chris was when they got their first record deal.

It was crazy to think about.

Between a breakfast in bed, and lunch in bed, Lance was having a great birthday. He had received many heartfelt gift and calls from friends and family that made him feel like the luckiest person on the Earth. Everyone around him made him happy, especially Jake…he just wished he could show people how happy he was with him.

He wanted to show people how happy he was with him. He had been juggling with the idea for a long while. With how many rumors had been going around more and more, and all the measures he took to be sure that he wasn’t seen in the public with Jake at the same time unless there was a huge group of people with them. It wasn’t fair to either of them.

He needed to make Jake happy for a change. It was like a birthday gift to himself in a way; Jake would finally have all of Lance and he could finally, truly, be happy in his relationship. “This really isn’t necessary,” he said to Jake as he watched the walls of the forts being made.

“Listen, old man,” Jake said, moving to sit back on his heels.

“This coming from the guy two years older than me,” Lance pointed out, hiking an eyebrow. Jake rolled his eyes.

“That’s right, you whippersnapper, now listen up,” Jake said with a short laugh, swinging his head to the side, to move his hair from his face. “Once you start getting achy joints, and become hard of hearing, you’ll start missing everything about your youth.” He paused, a thoughtful look crossing his face. “Oh, wait, I’m sorry…all those years touring in your band has progressed that for you.”

“Ha ha,” Lance said with a roll of his eyes. “You’re a riot.”

“Not as much as Joey though, right?” Jake asked. “Should I be jealous of your bromance or do I have nothing to worry about?”

“Definitely nothing to worry about,” Lance replied, waving his hand in the air. “You know he and Kelly are. He may be known to have a wandering eye, but he always keeps one on her.”

“That…actually sounds a little creepy,” Jake replied with a small laugh, getting back to work. “But, I’m glad they’ve been together this long; you can see that they’re really happy to be together. And Brianna is such a sweetheart.”

Lance smiled, much like he did whenever his goddaughter was mentioned or was around him. He loved spending time with Brianna even if her, and her family’s visits were few and far between. Knowing that with his lifestyle he had a handful of choices as to how to have kids, and yet needing to have someone who will stick by him for the rest of his life, was all worth it. He just needed to find that someone. In the mean time, he could test out his parenting skills with her.

And he was sure he found it in Jake.

“Alright, that should do it,” Jake said, crawling out from the fort in the center of the living room. “He clapped his hands together, giving Lance a wide, toothy smile. “Happy Birthday.” He placed his hands on Lance’ thighs, leaned forward, and placed a soft kiss on his lips.

Lance fluttered his eyes shut, leaning forward, pressing his lips harder against his boyfriends. Jake was the first to pull back, giving Lance a warm smile. “I have something to tell you,” Lance suddenly said. Jake’s eyes widened slightly and Lance let out a low chuckle. “No, no, nothing bad. It’s…kind of a gift to you.”

“It’s not my birthday, babe,” Jake replied with a bit of a startled laugh.

“I know, I know,” Lance replied, nodding his head repeatedly. He then fell silent, biting his bottom lip. He swished his hot chocolate around in his cup before tilting his head back, quickly draining the last of it. He smacked his lips, tapping his fingernail on the side of the ceramic mug. When he lifted his head to start talking, Jake pressed another quick kiss to his lips.

He licked the chocolate drink from his lips as he pulled back. “What’s wrong, babe?” he asked, reaching his hands up to cup Lance’s cheeks in his hands. “You’re scaring me.”

“I think…I’m ready…to come out,” Lance said quietly. He watched as Jake’s eyes narrowed slightly before widening, excitement and love evident in the pools of blue. A questioning look crossed his face and Lance let out a shaky breath, nodding his head.

“Really?” Jake asked quietly. Lance nodded his head faster and faster. He felt the corners of his lips twitching up into a smile. “Are you serious?”

“I think so,” Lance replied. “I mean…people have been guessing, and assuming…I’m tired of hiding. It’s not fair to you…to us.” He slowly let out a breath of air. “I just want you to be hap-“Jake roughly kissed him, “-py.”

“I love you, you idiot,” Jake said with a grin, before wrapping his arms around him in a tight hug.

“I love you, too.”

Lance reached for his 3-N-1 shampoo, conditioner, and body wash bottle—Ralph Lauren’s Polo Black and pulled off the cap with a loud pop. He squirted a large dollop of the green liquid into his hand before starting to slather it over his boy, massaging his sore shoulders, hips, and legs. He squinted down at his hand, watching as the droplets of water turned the liquid into suds.

He hummed to himself as he styled his hair up into a Mohawk, using the shampoo as a makeshift gel before rinsing it out, reaching for the knobs to turn off the water. He kept his head bowed, allowing the water to run off before grasping his hair between his hands, wringing as much water out as possible. He then pushed the door to the shower open, stepping out onto the place mat, shivering as a blast of cold air hit his body.

Goosebumps instantly popped up on his arms and legs. He bounced in place as he reached for the towel that sat on the closed toilet lid. He shook the towel out and wrapped it around his waist, securing the knot at his side before making his way out into his bedroom, stopping short when he saw Jake standing on his side of the room, changing out of his clothes from the morning.

“Oh,” involuntarily came out of his mouth. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Jake replied, glancing over at him before going back to what he was doing. “You were in there for a while…getting worried you were trying to drown yourself or something.”

 He let out a small laugh; one that quickly died on his lips. He then did a double take, eyebrows narrowing slightly as he looked over at Lance.  “What happened to you?” He crossed the room over to Lance, inspecting him.

“Oh, punching bag,” Lance replied, moving away from Jake’s touch. Jake blinked, pulling his hand back.

“Were you using one or was something using you as one?” Jake asked quietly.

“Not physically, anyway,” Lance muttered, stepping around him to start to change himself. He was sure he saw Jake wince, but he wasn’t in any mood to care. Jake was the one who had broken up with him, after all. And through a text message.

“Lance—“

“What?” Lance asked, turning around to face Jake, crossing his arms over his chest. He pressed his lips together, trying to hold back the groan of pain from the movement. “What else do you have to say to me?”

“I’m sorry?” Jake said as more of a question. “I didn’t…things have just gotten so hard. I take full blame for not bringing up what I was feeling before.” He let out a deep breath of air. “I’m sorry, ok?” Lance let out a sigh, moving to sit down on the end of the bed. “I just couldn’t deal with your constant negativity anymore.”

Lance winced, squeezing an eye shut as the words came out of Jake’s mouth. He knew that he had worried constantly over what people were saying about him behind his back, and he could see Jake would get tired of the situation. But, he had always been there to pick him up when things got exceptionally hard for him. He always had a shoulder for him to cry on, and had plenty of words of advice for him.

Where did this all go wrong? Lance thought to himself, peering into Jake’s face. Jake’s eyes were filled with sadness and guilt. He could also see love in his eyes, but it didn’t warm him, or light a fire inside him, like it used to. A cold fire was lit in Lance’s chest, chilling him. Everything was perfect.

“I think…I’m ready…to come out,” Lance said quietly. He watched as Jake’s eyes narrowed slightly before widening, excitement and love evident in the pools of blue. A questioning look crossed his face and Lance let out a shaky breath, nodding his head.

Lance blinked, getting off of the bed. He crossed the room to his dresser and changed into a t-shirt and shorts. All the while, he could feel Jake’s gaze burning into his back. He couldn’t face him; this was all his fault. Everything had started going downhill with them when he had come out. Things were fine when they were keeping things secret.

Lance tugged at the bottom of his shirt, turning to scratch the back of his neck as he faced Jake, who was still watching him. “Look, let’s just get this all out in the open,” he said, slapping his hands down by his sides. “This all went to shit the minute I decided to come out.”

“That’s not true,” Jake replied, his eyebrows crinkling together. “Lance, I was proud of you when you decided to come out.”

“Yeah, because you’ve only been begging me to do it for so long,” Lance muttered, under his breath.

“Are you really going to hold that against me?” Jake asked, his eyebrows shooting up. “I just wanted you to be happy. I knew that you’d be happy if you could be yourself; if you could be the Lance that I see and love every day.”

Lance let out a loud snort. He couldn’t help it; just a few hours earlier he had said that he wasn’t in love with him. Jake must’ve heard the words that just came out of his mouth, and winced, his face scrunching up as if he had just sucked a lemon. Lance watched as Jake bowed his hand, wringing his hands together. He bowed his head, scratching at the hair on the back of his neck, letting out a noise of frustration.

“I didn’t want it to be like this,” he said quietly.

“Like what?” Lance asked. “Like it sucks?” His voice cracked. “Because it does suck, Jake. Did you think you would just get so frustrated you could get up and leave without my knowing or something?” Jake kept his gaze on the floor. Lance let out a sigh, moving to sit next to Jake on the end of their bed. Jake’s knuckles popped as he curled his fingers into a tight fist, shifting away from Lance just slightly. “Are you cheating on me?”

“What?” Jake asked, his head snapping up to look up at him. He blinked rapidly, head pulling back as if he was struck. “H-how could you…what would…why are you asking me that?” He slowly shook his head from side to side. “You should know me well enough by now to know that I’d never do anything like that to hurt you.”

Lance shook his head before putting his face into his hands. He felt tears well up in his eyes. He blinked rapidly, trying to hold them back, swallowing the lump in his throat. His nose burned slightly and he pressed the heels of his palms to his eyes. “And telling me that you’re not in love with me doesn’t hurt?” Lance asked.

“N-no…I…” Jake trailed off for a moment. “I’m sorry, Lance. I know it’s been hard for you…I wish I could be there for you more. I just can’t be.” Lance was silent. “…I’ll be out…I’ll leave as soon as I find a new place.” Lance made a noise in the back of his throat. “I’m sorry, Lance.”

“Yeah,” Lance replied quietly. “I’m sorry, too.”

He was sorry he had even put so much into the relationship to begin with. After two bad relationships; one where the passion and romance just fizzled out, and another where he was cheated on, he was hesitant to start things with Jake. Right off the bat, he could see that things would be different; Jake had just made her completely comfortable with himself, and he promised to take things as slow as Lance needed them too, but he still had that hesitation, that nagging feeling that it wasn’t going to work out. If only he had listened to himself.

If only he had listened to himself and continued to not say anything about his sexuality. Being suddenly thrust back into the spotlight and having him and Jake become what people considered to be the “poster child” for the LGBT community was more than Lance could bear. He knew he wouldn’t just be pa gay man in a relationship, but he didn’t think it’d give him that many responsibilities right off the bat.

“I’ll…get going then,” Jake said quietly, getting to his feet. He stood next to Lance, pausing or a moment, just staring down at him before he made his way out of the room. Lance flopped down onto his back, staring up at the ceiling.

“Do you not like the food?”

Lance looked up from the label of the beer bottle in his hand before lifting it to his lips, shaking his head back and forth as he allowed the amber liquid to fill his mouth. He swallowed thickly, setting the bottle down onto the table before giving Annaleigh a pointed look.

“You haven’ touched any,” she said with a slight shrug of her shoulders. “Startin’ to think you didn’ like my cornbread or somethin’.”

“You know there’s no way I could hate your cooking,” Lance said to her before reaching for his fork, stabbing into the square of corn bread in front of him.

“Not unless you’re tryin’ that tofu thing again,” Darren commented, sticking out his tongue, wrinkling his nose in her direction. Annaleigh clicked her tongue before jabbing her fork in the air in his direction.

“That was jus’ one time,” she said with a brief roll of her eyes. “After bein’ sick for a week, I learned my lesson, trust me.”

“Well, I’m going to miss it when y’all are gone,” Lance said before sliding the forkful of corn bread into his mouth. His eyebrows lowered as he chewed. “How long are you off for anyway?”

“I asked JC and Justin to push back my time in the studio with ‘em for a little while,” Annaleigh replied with a shrug. “Don’ really know when they need me back in; they said they’d let me know. They was worried ‘bout you so…” She trailed off and Lance slowly nodded his head.

“Your Nana Ruth called for you while you were in the shower,” Darren added. He glanced over at Annaleigh who widened her eyes slightly. “She said she’ll call ya back tomorrow.”

“Thanks,” Lance replied before swallowing. He let out a sigh through his nose as he looked around the kitchen.

The place, while arguably big enough for two people, it felt daunting to know he’d eventually live in the house all by himself. Jake could essentially come and go as he pleased, the place was in his name, but it was their home.

“Why don’ you come home for a little while?” Darren asked. Lance opened his mouth to protest, but Darren kept going. “It sucks seein’ ya like this and we know your family didn’ take the news as best as they could, but if they want ya in your life, and if you want them in yours, y’all haveta meet each other halfway.”

“And before ya say that you can’t,” Annaleigh added, this time pointing her fork in his direction, “one of y’all have to. James, you’ve basically ran away from home the second you could. If ya can’t be yourself with them, you’re not ever goin’ ta live. They all miss you somethin’ fierce and you know it.”

 “I miss them, too,” Lance replied. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been home.

After *NSYNC had decided to break indefinitely, or split up; depending on how you looked at it, he had never returned to Clinton. He had bought his parents and his sister a new house, but stayed in Orlando for a while before moving to California.

He knew that while he wasn’t in *NSYNC he didn’t have to worry about potentially ruining their careers, but moving home and trying to keep this a secret would ruin his parents’ lives. He couldn’t even begin to imagine what it was like for them now. They would barely pick up the phone whenever he called and in turn he started doing the same thing.

As usual, he knew his friends were right; one of them had to make the first move to try and fix things. He had seen firsthand how things could go wrong if things just boiled over. Annaleigh’s parents could barely be in the same room with each other for five minutes without getting into an argument. If anyone knew what he was going through, it would be her. Although, having a parent who committed adultery, and refusing to pay child support, was considered mild in regards to two respected members of the Clinton community having a gay son.

On the other hand, family was the center of the community in Clinton. A strong supporting family basically kept your name out of gossip that spread around the town. Lance shuddered. Mom and dad were well respected before this, Lance thought to himself. And who knows how Stace is doing? Maybe I should just go and check on them? Maybe I could fix things?

Maybe this is all a joke; a gag just to get the paps off my back. Maybe I’m not really gay at all, Lance thought, putting a hand to his chin, his mind working in overtime. “That’s it.”

“What’s it?” Darren asked.

“Uh…I think I will go home for a little while,” Lance replied, reaching for his beer for a second time. “Knowing mom, it might be better if I reached out. I just want everything to go back to normal.”

“It will in time,” Darren reassured him. “Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. God’ll help you get through this.” Annaleigh nodded her head in agreement. “You just have to have faith.”

How can I have faith in anyone that teaches us that a man and woman are the ones who should be together? Lance thought to himself, lifting his steak off of his plate with both hands to take a large bit out of it.

“Now, I know you definitely have ta go home, James,” Annaleigh said, her nose wrinkling into a look of disgust. “You sure have lost your sense of manners.” She shook her head back and forth, making a tisking sound with her tongue.

“I’m twenty six, not six,” Lance said, making a point to chew loudly and with his mouth open. “Not like there’s much of a difference.” Darren chuckled as Annaleigh rolled her eyes. He spotted the smile of amusement on her face and gave her a toothy smile. Annaleigh rolled her eyes before she allowed herself to let out a laugh.

“Alright, let’s get some ice cream,” Darren said, slapping his hands down onto the table. “On me.”

“Naw, on me,” Lance said, putting a hand to his chest. “Y’all are my guests and I haven’t really been hospitable since you got here.” He looked over at Darren and then at Annaleigh. “I apologize for it; you’re the best friends a guy could ask for.”

“And don’ you forget it,” Annaleigh replied with a wide smile.

“You’re only sayin’ that because he’s offerin’ to pay for your ice cream,” Darren pointed out.

“For right now, yep,” Annaleigh replied, popping her ‘p’. She got to her feet, taking her plate in one hand, reaching for Lance’s with the other. Lance watched as she balanced his plate on her forearm, holding it in the grip of her elbow, before reaching for Darren’s plate with her free hand. “I’ll jus’ wrap these and we’ll be on our way. Let me jus’ get my purse.”

“Seriously, how did I live without you around?” Lance asked, running his hands over his face.

“That’s funny,” Annaleigh said as she let out a bark of laughter, arching an eyebrow in his direction, “I said that exact same thing when I first moved into the Compound.” She let out a low whistle. “Shoot, all y’all were a mess.”

“Yes, Lance, I wonder,” Darren said, blinking once, his words dripping with sarcasm as he swiveled his head to look at her. “How did you live without her all that time? No put downs, no insults…it must’ve been hard.”

“Boy, you better hush up,” Annaleigh said over her shoulder.

“It’s probably a good thing she’s left the forks and knives on the table,” Lance said as he glanced down at the silverware sitting on the table. Darren made a noise of agreement in the back of his throat. Lance hiked an eyebrow, looking back and forth between the two of them, but didn’t say anything. He watched as Annaleigh made her way out of the room before he tuned to face his friend, gently hitting him on the arm. “So, uh, how come—“

“How come nothing’s happened between Ace and I?” Darren finished for him and Lance nodded his head. “Because she’s been out livin’ her dream. I’ve always wanted to stay in Clinton and she’s always wanted ta leave. Why would I wanna take that away from her?”

“Because you like her?” Lance said as more of a question. Darren bobbed his head back and forth. “I guess I’m not too surprised you haven’t told her. You two have been going around in circles more time than a lasso.”

Darren chuckled, shaking his head from side to side. “It just hasn’ been the best timin’ that’s all,” he said with a shrug. “Jus’ gotta be patient; besides, she’s happy makin’ music. Long as she’s happy, so’m I.”

“Can I ask you a question?” Lance asked.

“Shoot,” Darren replied with a nod of his head.

“Um…” Lance trailed off, bowing his head to scratch the back of his neck. “How’d…you know you were…attracted to…uh, girls?”

Darren’s eyebrows shot up before a thoughtful look came to his face. He twisted his mouth to the side before stroking his stubble covered chin. “Same way you’ve always known you liked guys, I guess,” he replied. “I get nervous and kinda…I don’ know, giddy ‘round ‘girls. I like bein’ round ‘em, and I like their attention…a lot of reasons. Is that how it is with you an’ guys?”

“Yeah…” Lance replied quietly giving a brief nod of his head. “Yeah, I guess.”

“You ok?” Darren asked as a look of concern crossed his face. “I’m sorry Jake didn’ work out. It took a bit for me to convince him ta come home.”

Lance let out a snort. “If you could even find him,” he commented. He gave a shrug of his shoulders. “I mean, I have to hand it to the guy, when he gets into his work, he produces great stuff, but it’s hard to get his attention off of it when you need it.” He then let out a sigh. “I always admired that about him, actually.” He then shook his head. “Anyway, thanks for trying.”

“Sure,” Darren replied with a nod of his head, clapping his friend on the shoulder. “Anytime.”

“Alright, let me just get my wallet and keys,” Lance said, getting to his feet, pushing his chair back with the backs of his knees. He clapped Darren’s shoulder before making his way out of the room in a jog. He hurried up the stairs, through the hallway, and into his room.

Whistling to himself, Lance crossed his room to his side of the bed, pulling open the dresser drawer. He reached for his wallet, tucking it into his back pocket before grabbing his car keys, spinning the ring around his finger. He paused in pushing the drawer shut when he spotted his copy of the Bible sitting inside.

He glanced over his shoulder before picking it up, sitting down on the edge of the bed. Lane flipped open his Bible to the last page marked: Matthew 6:34. He pressed his lips together as he read over the scripture. “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”

Lance slowly closed the book in his hand. He set the Bible aside and clasped his hands together, bowing his head. Please, God, I need a miracle. Please, help. Please help me make this easier. Please...help me to not be gay.