Chapter 19 - Flaming Bag of Horseshit

Wednesday, November 23rd, 1983.
Ellie got off the school bus and ran up the driveway of her parents’ ranch, the paper turkey she was holding flapping in the wind. She had painstakingly painted it the right shade of reddish brown and glued every construction paper tail feather in place. She swung the door open and called out for her mama, kicking off her rain boots, hanging her light blue pea coat on the hooks by the door and placing her white leather school bag underneath.
"MAMA! I'M HOME! Mama..." She stopped when she saw her mother by the fridge on the phone.
"Shhh! Sorry, Dr. Crilly, my daughter just got home from school." Emily's tone was desperate as she explained the situation. "I believe Annalise has colic. She hasn't stood up or had a bowel movement all day. She has no interest in food or water."
"How can she poop if she not eating, Mama?"
"Shh, baby...There's a lot of money riding on whether or not she delivers this foal, Dr. Crilly." Emily nodded her head a few times and hung up. She walked over to the table where Ellie was sitting. "Baby, who's your best friend at school?"
"I don't know, why?"
"I was wondering, since it's the holiday, if you would like to have a big girl slumber party at her house, tonight."
"I don't want to, Mama. I'll miss Thanksgiving."
"No, you won't, baby. It's just for the night. You'll be home by tomorrow morning. I promise."

Dr. Crilly was your stereotypical Southern doctor, a portly African American who wore sweater vests and business slacks even on a 110-degree day. He was also the finest equine veterinarian in the parish. If your mare was pregnant, you wanted him to oversee her.
He stepped through the back door of the ranch with a furrowed brow. "I'm afraid it is colic, Mrs. Argyle," he crooned in his Creole accent. "I would follow your instinct of watching her tonight. I would hate it if she miscarried."
“Mind your words, the walls have ears.” Emily gestured her head over towards the front hall. "She’s five, Louis. She’s too young to know those sort of things."

"What, Mama?" Ellie sat on the stairs, listening to the hubbub in the kitchen, waiting for Claire's mom to pick her up.

Diana was the only woman not too preoccupied with the holiday to be willing to take her for the night. The rattle of Diana's '68 Impala came up the driveway. Diana and Claire, in matching pink poodle sweaters and tights, got out of the car.

Claire ran up the front porch, ringing the old doorbell three times, the clanging being heard the next farm over. "Hi, Ellie! Are y'all excited for the slumber party? Mama's gonna show us how to make pizza and popcorn and we're gonna watch The Muppet Movie on videotape and Mama even says that you can sleep in my bed tonight! It'll be like we're sisters!" Claire vibrated in excitement.
"I've got a tummy ache." Ellie started crying. She had never slept over at anyone's house before, only her grandparents. Unfortunately, her father's parents were out of town for the night, as were her grandmother and great-grandmother who were celebrating the holiday in Texas.

Diana leaned down. "It's OK, Miss Ellie. Mr. Matherson and I would never let anyone stay anywhere that wasn't safe for our baby. Would you like to stop at the store on the way over to get some ice cream? My mama's a nurse, and she says that ice cream is the best cure for anything."
"I'm not feeling very good."
"It's OK, we all get a little scared sometimes. Your tummy hurts when that happens. But I promise that nothing bad will happen, OK?"
Ellie nodded through her tears.

Diana stood up. "Do you have everything packed?"
"I'm sorry, I wasn't expecting you so soon. I haven't really had the time to get anything ready," Emily said as she walked into the hall.
"Well, Miss Claire was so excited at the idea of her first big girl slumber party that she just demanded that we come over immediately."
"I'm assuming you know everything she needs. Her room is the first on the right on the stairs. By the way, can you pick out a dress for her for dinner tomorrow? I'm not sure how long we'll need you to take her."

Claire ran up the stairs up to Ellie's room. She quickly started rummaging through her wardrobe and dresser. She picked out a pink nightie just like one she owned and a pink sweater with a Scottish terrier embroidered on the front. "Mama! Isn't this just darling? It's got a puppy on it, just like mine!"
"Indoor voice, baby. You'll scare the horses." Diana tipped out the things in Ellie's school bag onto her bed, and started to fill it with enough clothes for the night. "Ellie, can you go get me your toothbrush?" Diana called down the stairs.
"OK," a small murmur came from down the stairs.

Diana took one of Ellie’s finest dresses, a pink dress with white trim and frills, out of the wardrobe. She carefully folded it and placed it underneath the nighties, underpants and socks she had packed. She chose a pair of white Mary Janes and placed them on top of the clothes. "Do you have a teddy bear you sleep with?"
"Daddy reads me a book before bed," Ellie whispered. She went over to her bookshelf and chose a book. She handed Diana the picture book and her toothbrush. "Don't forget my Snoopy." She pointed at her pillows; a Snoopy doll sat on the bed she had made that morning before school.
"Do you want to carry him with you?"
Ellie nodded as Diana buckled up her bag, throwing it over her shoulder. "Are you ready to go now?"
Ellie nodded, taking Diana's hand as she clung onto her Snoopy.

They made their way downstairs, and her parents kissed her goodbye and her father promised to call her to see if she was OK. She sat between Claire and Diana in the front seat as they drove to the Mathersons’ modest brick home.
"Miss Diana, what does the word 'miscarriage' mean?"
"Well, Miss Ellie. Sometimes, when a mama is very sick, she'll lose her baby."
"Is that why I don't have any brothers or sisters?"
"I don't know. You'll have to ask your parents."
"Mama, is that why I don't have any brothers and sisters?"
"No, Claire. Your daddy and I just didn't want another baby."
"Well, since me and Ellie don't have any brothers and sisters, can we be sisters? I've always wanted a baby sister."

Thursday, November 24th, 1983.
Ellie picked at the tuna casserole Diana had made for Thanksgiving dinner, cringing as she came across another piece of tuna. As the phone rang, Lewis placed his napkin by his plate and answered. "Matherson residence, Happy Thanksgiving."
John's voice came over the line. "Uh, Reverend—"
"Please, John, Lewis is fine."
"Daddy!" Ellie perked up when she heard her father's name. Finally, she would be released from this pink prison. "Can I go home now?"
"Ellie wants to know if she can come home."
"Of course, it's just that we've been so busy with everything, the mare and her twins, then dinner, we've just plain forgotten to call you. Dinner starts in half an hour. You're welcome if you have nowhere else to be."
"Well, thanks. All of our families are back in South Carolina. We don't really have the time right now to go back there. But if you're offering, we'll be happy to join you. We'll be there in quarter of an hour. Bye."
"Bye." John hung up.

Lewis turned to his wife, their daughter and their guest. "John's invited us over for Thanksgiving."
"That's nice..." Diana turned to Ellie. "I bet your family does it with all the trimmings?"
"Yep, turkey and taters. Pie, too."
"It would be impolite to turn down the offer," Lewis pointed out.
"Of course, they’re opening their arms out to us in gratitude and friendship. It's the Christian thing to do."
"I would hate it if our girl didn't have a memory of a nice Thanksgiving, even if it is some other family's."
"I am a shit cook. Let's stop pussy-footing 'round this. This is the happiest Ellie's been since last night, and that's only 'cause she gets to go home. If they think they have enough food for us to have dinner with them, then we might as well take their invitation." Diana stood up and started collecting the dinner plates. "Anyway, Ellie needs to be getting home."

Ellie got out of the car as soon as it stopped outside the Argyles’ home. She ran around the back where she knew everything would be set up for the holiday. The Mathersons followed suit.
"Pappy!" she yelled as her grandfather picked her up off the ground.
"I was wondering where my little sugar plum was. I've been searching all over for you. Up in the trees, under the bushes, but you were nowhere."
"I was over at Claire's."
"Really now? I told ya granny you were there," James lied, "but she said you were in the garden. Did you have a nice time?"
"Yeah, but I like it at home more. We were going to have tuna casserole for Thanksgiving."
"Really? I don't know how they do things over in South Carolina, but we have turkey down here in Louisiana. If they want to become like us, they better start doing things our way." James placed Ellie down. "Your daddy's over there."
"Thanks for inviting us. We don't really have a family to spend the holidays with."
"Eh...just spend them with us. We always make too much food, anyway."

Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005.

Ellie sat next to her mother as she, Claire, Karen and Emily looked over the Argyle family album. Emily pointed to a picture of a five-year-old Ellie wearing a white blouse with a denim shirt. "That would've been...'82, I think."

"'83. It was my first day of Kindergarten."
Karen pointed to the cream-coloured horse in the background. "Who's that?"
"Um...Annalise, I believe. She was a palomino thoroughbred. She was my only mare to bare twins, twenty-three years ago to the day—”

“Twenty-two years, Mama," Ellie corrected her.

Emily studied the photo. "Looking back, I'm surprised we didn't expect twins from her."
"What do you mean?" inquired Karen.
"I mean, look at her." Emily pointed to the large, round belly of the mare. "She’s practically bursting! Sweetest thing, she was. I've never been able to find a mare as beautiful or as sweet as her. It's a pity that true palomino thoroughbreds are so rare."

“Wait…” Claire interjected, “wasn’t ‘83 the first Thanksgiving we spent together?”

“Yeah…” Ellie thought for a moment. “We met in Kindergarten, so it would have been ‘83.”

“Ellie and I are practically sisters,” Claire enthusiastically explained to Karen. “We’ve been inseparable since we were five.”

“Until this June, that is,” Ellie said under her breath.

“Shush you. Anyhoo, we pretty much did everything together growing up. We did dance class together, went to the same schools, even college. Now that I’ve had some time to think about it—”

“Now that the pregnancy hormones have kicked in.”

“Ellie!...Anyway, as I was saying, since I’ve gotten used to the idea of Ellie and Jace—”

“It’s either JC or Josh. We’ve never used Jace,” Karen commented, putting her hands up. “I’m sorry, it’s been bothering me all night.”

“See,” Ellie pointed out to Claire, “I told you not to use Jace.”

“Let me finish!”

“But it’s so fun to see you squirm when you can’t get a word in. Claire,” Ellie explained to Karen, “was what you would call ‘an unbearably precocious child.’ Would not shut up, would not sit still. This, of course, means that she’s my perfect match, or foil, depending on how you look at it.”

Claire snapped a cracker in half, then into quarters, eating it piece by piece. “We are practically sisters. I mean, our families spent every holiday together.”

Karen took a sip of coffee. “Why is that?”
“Most of my family’s up in South Carolina, just outside Beaufort. My parents say it’s because they don’t have the time to travel to and back for the holidays, especially considering my father’s obligations to the church, but it’s really because they can’t stand my mother’s family constantly henpecking at everything.” Claire delicately took a sip of tea. “It’s just one of those families.”

“What do your parents do?”

“My dad’s the minister at the First Presbyterian on Sherman Avenue. My mama mainly helps him handle church business, making and selling patchwork quilts on the side.”

“Really?” Karen nodded.

“I don’t know if you’ve seen it, but the quilt Ellie used to use on her bed in New York, my mama made for her as a ‘going up north’ present.” Claire lightly held a hand to her growing baby bump. “We’re already planning the quilt she’s going to make for peanut here. I tell you, she found the most darling yellow fabric at Franny’s shop. It has the cutest little elephants and giraffes on it.” She lightly tapped Ellie on the arm. “You and Jace need get planning so she can make Baby Girl or Baby Boy Chasez a matching one.” Claire turned to Karen. “Ellie and I do absolutely everything together. I would hate it if our babies weren’t close in age.”

“Maybe we’ll stain your mama’s quilt trying to make that happen.”

“ELLIE!”

“What?! Don’t act like we haven’t already.”

It was one of Anna's finest ideas, at least her finest in a while. Whilst Chris, Derek, JC, Tyler and she sat on the Argyle's back porch discussing Miles, she had come up with the great act of warm revenge.
"I just want to punch him in his goddamn face," JC muttered as he took a swig of beer. He had been recounting his frustration at having to hear what the cretin had done to Ellie.
"I'm not sure that’s the right course of action." Derek pulled his sweater sleeves over his hands. "Not that it isn't the best option, it's just also the least legal."
"Hmm...how long will assault get you here?" Tyler asked as he placed his beer by his feet.
"Battery will get you up to six months in prison or a $2000 fine. That's at the most, though."
"We could just prank him," Chris suggested as he tore another strip of label off his beer bottle.
"Yeah, but what?" Derek asked.
"We could egg his house," Tyler suggested.
"No, too high school," Chris muttered.
"Too middle school, you mean? Why don't we just TP his house?" JC slid back into his seat.
"Oh! Oh! Oh! I know!" Anna started to bounce up and down in her seat. "We put a flaming bag of shit on his doorstep." She grinned as she tapped Tyler on the shoulder.
"Don't look at me, I don't need to go."
"One of us could do it, JC. Give him a million dollar shit. If only Justin was here, we could give him the most expensive shit of them all." Chris chuckled.
"Nah, they'll be able to trace our DNA. It needs to be animal shit," Derek explained.
"If only one of us had a puppy..." Anna turned to Derek.
"No, Claire would kill me if she found out. We're not using Jerry's poop."

An idea came to JC. "Guys, where are we?"
"What, right now?"
"Yes, Tyler, right now."
"We're on a farm."
"What kind of farm, Tyler?"
"Um...a horse farm?"
"Yes, and what do horses do?"
"They whinny?"
"And..?"
"They poop?"
"Yes, they poop. Where does the poop go?"
"On the ground?"
Chris interrupted the brothers' exchange, and started to walk down to an unoccupied paddock. "How the fuck did you get into law school, Tyler?"

Derek and Tyler quietly tried to find a paper bag in the kitchen as JC found a flashlight whilst Chris and Anna had started combing through the paddock.
"What are you two doing?" Ellie asked as she fetched some crackers from the counter.
"Nothing."
"Nothing!"
"We're trying to find a paper bag," Derek explained.
"Why?" She leaned onto the counter, JC catching her eye with the torch. "Why do you need a paper bag and a flashlight?"
"There's--" Tyler stuttered out before Derek interrupted him.
"There's a problem with Anna's car, the spark plugs. We're going to have a look at them."
"We're leaving a bag of flaming shit on Miles's doorstep," JC stated.
"OK, then...I'm not going to tell you it's right, I'm not going to tell you it's wrong, but take a camera." She grabbed the box of crackers and made her way back into the living room.

Chris squinted as he tried his hardest to find a pile of fresh manure in the dark. He screamed as Anna ran up behind him and jumped onto his back. "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!"
"I don't know, just thought I would. You scream like a girl."
"The term I prefer is 'testicly challenged.'"
"My kind of people."

JC used the torch to comb through the paddock, sweeping the light from one fence to another. Finally, Tyler found what they were looking for.
"Found it!" He shined the light from his cell phone screen onto the ground. JC went over to him. "At least, I think I found something."
JC shined the torch onto the spot, illuminating a piece of horse dropping. "It's something, alright."
"It's almost perfectly spherical. It's perfect." Tyler snapped a photo with the camera on his phone.
"Why did you do that?"
"I don't know, I've just never seen anything like it. How often do you come across a perfectly round piece of shit?"

After fifteen minutes, the five of them were squished into Derek's car, Derek in the driver's seat as he knew where to go, JC riding shotgun holding the parcel, and Tyler, Anna and Chris in the back like sardines in a can. They drove through a wealthy neighbourhood, houses in various stages of construction, for sale and inhabited lining the streets and cul-de-sacs. Derek pulled the handbrake as they stopped in front of a large, brown masoned house, its tall gabled roof covered in Christmas lights.
"That's a real nice house," Tyler commented, breaking the silence.
"His father-in-law owns it. They're renting it from him," Anna explained. "Miles could only afford an apartment, but Gerry refuses his grandbaby to grow up in one."
"He doesn't have a problem with that, I mean Miles?"
"Nope, it's just a pretty house for cheap for him."

"Did anyone remember to bring a lighter?" JC asked as he undid his seat belt.
Everyone looked at each other, knowing that not one of them had.
"How are we supposed to leave a flaming bag of shit on this dickhead's doorstep if no one thought about the flaming bit?" He turned to look at everyone else.
"I'm sorry I'm not a smoker, OK? I'm not getting lung cancer," Tyler strained.
"I'm a singer, smoking is a literal occupational hazard for me, TYLER!"
"Try the cigarette lighter." Anna pointed towards the middle console. "That might work."

JC took the cigarette lighter out of its plug and held the coil to a corner of the bag long enough for it to start to curl into ash. He quickly ran up the walkway and placed the bag onto the front step, holding the lighter's coil to the bag again, this time long enough for a small flame to ignite. He protected the flame with his hands as it grew. He swiftly banged on the door and ran back to the car, shutting the door just as Miles answered. They watched as Miles rolled his eyes and went back into the house to fetch a small fire extinguisher from inside. With a small burst of foam, the fire was out.

The five of them watched as Miles went back inside, a feeling of defeat settling over them. Anna quickly got out of the car, picked the soggy package from the front step and placed it underneath the tyre of the Mazda coupe in the driveway, knowing it was Miles's work car. She kicked the tyre, then ran back to the car. "He's won the battle, but he won't win the war."
"Maybe this isn't the best idea. Maybe we're only stooping down to his level if we're doing this," Derek said in dismay. "We're no better than him if we're doing these things."
"But...but," Anna stuttered, "what about Ellie? She deserves it."
"I don't know, she's pretty happy now. And you don't know how cut up he was after she dumped him. We had to change the number of our first apartment in New York just to get him to stop calling. Maybe we need to accept that this is out of our hands."
Tyler interjected, "Are you guys forgetting that he's going to get horse shit in his treads, or am I going stupid?"

Thursday, November 24th, 2005.
Anna got up to head out of the room, leaving Chris and Claire watching TV.
"Sooo...how far are you along?" Chris asked awkwardly.
"Around twelve weeks," Claire answered.
"When are you due?"
"End of May."
"Any names yet?"
"We like Adam and Annabelle." Claire readjusted her weight on the sofa.
Chris sighed. "Anna mentioned that she was going to art school."
"Look, I'm sorry if this offends you or something, but Anna has a girlfriend. I'm sorry if you got the wrong idea, but she's not into guys," Claire explained. "I would rather let you know now than for you to be disappointed later. I know how some men can get, a girl shows any kind of interest in them, they get the wrong idea. I trust that you won't hurt her."
"OK." Chris slunk down in his seat. "I never got the impression that she was into me. She's only having a bit of fun." He sat in silence for a moment. "Do you think it's too early to have a drink?"

Anna quietly snuck back into the room, posturing herself to scare Chris.
"Anna, don't," said Claire, shaking her head as Anna begrudgingly took her spot on an armchair.
"I was just having some fun. How long do you think Derek and Mom are going to be?"
"I don't know. Dad said that the discussion might take awhile."

Lewis flipped through the notes he had made in his Filofax, clearing his throat before he addressed everyone else seated around the Argyles’ kitchen table. "Firstly, I would like to thank you, John, Emily, Karen and Roy, for asking me to perform your son and daughter's, Joshua and Elizabeth's, wedding. It is an honour to be considered for this role. I hope that we can guide these two into a happy, healthy and holy marriage. Um...I understand that Joshua's family is Mennonite. Am I correct? Are there any traditions we need to consider—"
Roy cut off Lewis's nervous speech. "When actually is all of this happening? Do you two have a plan yet, or are you two going to surprise us again?"
"Um, we were kind of hoping to do it down here on April the 13th. Out back, maybe," JC replied.
"Where abouts?" John asked.
"We were hoping here, on the farm. It's just Ellie's wish, that's all."
"Fine. How many guests are we talking?"
"No more than fifty. We don't really want that big of a wedding."
"My mama will have to do most of the catering, she’s better at the bigger events than I am, but it's not completely undoable." John opened the pad of paper in front of him. "Anything else? We'll go over the food later, but is there anything we might need to know? Anything that needs to be constructed?"
"We were thinking a rotunda," Ellie mentioned.
"A what? Never mind, I'll look it up. Can't be that hard to build."

Lewis tried to interject, "Don't we need to talk a little more about the religious side of things?"
"I think a non-denominational ceremony will do just fine, a mention of God here and there. We don't want to put too much emphasis on the interfaith aspect of the relationship," Roy stated. "I've spoken with our church elders, and as long as they're not performing the ceremony, they're washing their hands on the issue."
"I could perform a Presbyterian ceremony. We don't mind interfaith marriages in our parish," Lewis remarked.
"Doesn't matter. Any minister overseeing the ceremony will be blessing it in the eyes of God. Any news on the prenup?"
"Adam's just starting to talk it over with Ellie's lawyer in New York. If it goes smoothly, they can have it ready by next April."
"Next April's far too soon to get married."
Lewis flipped through his diary. "You'll have to change the date then. The 13th of April falls on a Friday in 2007. It'll have to be 2008. Are you two OK having such a long engagement?"

Emily finally spoke up. "Is this all we're going to talk about? Our children are getting married and all we can speak about is catering and dates?"
"Well, what do you think we need to talk about?" John asked.
"I don't know. If I knew, we would be talking about it."
"I think we need to come to an agreement over whether or not we're OK with this happening. That's usually what these sit downs are for...I think," Karen said.
"Yeah"—Roy slunk down in his chair—"like they're not going to elope if we don't."
"What do you mean?"
"It means that I don't have a say either way, Karen. Josh is just going to do want he wants."
"Are you at least OK with him marrying Ellie?"
"What do you want me to say?"
"Do you approve of our daughter? Do you think she's a good match for your son?" Emily asked.
"Do you think our son is a good match for you daughter?"
"Frankly, yes. We've talked it over, and we think she can do a whole lot worse," Emily stated as John nodded in agreement.
"OK, well, I think that Ellie's wonderful, and I'm glad that Josh has chosen her," Karen replied. "Roy?"
"I don't know." Roy stared at the table in front of him. "It's alright, I guess."

Ellie quickly followed JC upstairs to her room as he went to get a sweater. "What just happened down there?"
"I'm not quite sure."
"Really? 'Cause I could've sworn that our folks just agreed that they were OK with their kids getting married."
He slipped the green sweater over his head. "It's not surprising though. It's been four, nearly five months. It was only going to be a matter of time."
"Well, yeah." Ellie paused as she tried to process what had happened. "My dad likes you, he has since you two met. My mom's the same."
"My mom likes you now since she's getting to know you a little better. And my dad...well...he liked you at first, too. He just didn't think we should've gotten engaged so early. I guess he's just starting to come around to the idea." He sat down on the bed.
"Do you think...?"

Ellie went over to a musical jewellery box on one of the shelves by her desk. She carefully opened the lid as a cranked melody played. She took out a small parcel wrapped in blue tissue paper. She closed the lid and sat by him on the bed, unwrapping the parcel to reveal a golden band, cloudy with age.
"This was my grandpa Ray's wedding ring. My grandma gave it to my mom, and she gave it to me, for my husband."
"Why didn't your dad take it?" JC asked.
"His fingers were too big. OK, last chance. If this fits you, we're meant to be. If it doesn't, we won't get married." She slowly took the ring in her right hand as she took his left hand in hers. She held her breath as she unsteadily slipped the ring on his finger, making a disappointed squeak as it slipped onto his finger with ease, too much ease.
"It's too big," he commented, twisting the ring around his finger. "It might still do though."
"No, it's supposed to have a little give, so it doesn't slip off."
"Do you really think something this silly is going to stop us from getting married? Didn't you just say that your father wouldn't take it 'cause it was too small?"
"What do we do then?" She flopped onto the bed.
"We either get a different ring or, if you really have your heart set on that one, we'll just get that one resized. It'll only be a few millimetres." He looked over to her. "He wasn't wearing this when he died, was he?"
"No, he only wore it for the wedding. He took it off before he flew out to the Pacific. My grandma wore it around her neck until the day he died."
"Do you think that maybe it's bad luck if I did wear it? Like if you wore an engagement ring of a failed marriage, that you're only asking it to fail? Maybe it's a sign, just not the one you’re looking for."
She threw a pillow at his head. "You sound just like Dad."

At 4pm on the dot, John, his parents and Ellie, a small fire extinguisher bundled in her arms, stood around two large, metal 7-gallon stockpots slowly bubbling with peanut oil. John and Jean slowly lowered one turkey per pot at James's signal. JC and Roy watched patiently from the porch.
"I don't think I'm OK with her being so close to something like this," JC whispered to his father as the four of them walked up to the porch.
"What?" John asked as he took off his pair of safety gloves.
"I'm not comfortable with Ellie being so close to boiling oil," JC explained.
"That's two votes against deep-fried turkey, two more and we outvote them." Ellie sat down next to JC on the bench.
"It's perfectly safe. We've been doing it this way since before the two of you were born." John sat on his chair by the back door. "We haven't had one fire. Plus, since Ellie became our safety officer, we've been getting two fire extinguishers every year."
Ellie rolled her eyes. "The number of house fires doubles on Thanksgiving, most of which are caused by unsafe cooking practices. One of which being deep-frying. And we always do two birds each year. That doubles, no, quadruples the risk of fire. It doesn't matter how many years when it hasn't happened. It could still happen."
"The oven isn't big enough for two birds and all the trimmings," John pointed out.
"Then use the smoker."
"It's not the same."
Ellie let out a frustrated grunt as she shoved the fire extinguisher into JC's hands, storming back into the house.
"Boy." James pointed to the two pots. "You need to watch those pots. If there's any smoke coming off them, alert us immediately. Roy, if that happens, we need you to call 911 immediately."
"I'm not OK with this," Roy commented.
"I thought you were Louisianian?"
"My family was Louisianian at one point, not stupid."
"That's three! One more and we're smoking next year's bird," Ellie called from the kitchen window.

Ellie and JC snuggled into each other on the couch after dinner, watching Endless Love on TV as John slept off the meal beside them.
"Wait...is that her mother?" Heather asked as she looked up from her knitting.
"Yeah," Ellie replied.
"Is she watching her daughter lose her virginity?"
"That's what the film's implying. The film's a lot creepier than the book."
"There's a book?" JC asked as he repositioned his arm around Ellie.
"Yeah, it's a torrid tale of a young man's first love driving him to insanity. The film is some mushy claptrap."
"Then why are we watching it?"
"We'll watch something else when someone finds the energy to either find the remote or get up and change the channel manually."

JC's phone buzzed in his pocket, and he took it out to check who it was. "It's Eric." He flipped it open and slowly got off the couch, going into the hall to take the call. "Hey, any news?"
"Alex has raised his advance offer. He wants you to fly into Scotland in the new year so the two of you can talk it over personally."
"How much?" JC asked as he played with his sweater.
"Six million pounds."
"Sterling?"
"Yep. Around ten million dollars U.S."
"And Justin's label?"
"Still hasn't made a formal offer. I know you two are friends, but I don't really see Justin's people giving you a leg up, especially after how they've handled matters in the past. I don't think they're going to offer more than Justin producing a few songs for you," Eric explained, reluctantly. "What do you want?"
"I don't know..." JC ran his hand through his hair.
"Well, look at it this way. Alex's offer is the best we've gotten so far. Not only in terms of the advance, but also in terms of what kind of support they're offering. No other label has offered full creative control or full marketing support. I know you're hesitant, but maybe the eccentric Scottish billionaire route is the best one."
"I'll think about it."
"OK, I'm not pressuring you. You have awhile to think about it. Try to get a demo tape together, around four to six songs. Just a little package for him to see where you want to go next. I'll see you next week. I hope you had a nice Thanksgiving, bye."
"Bye." JC stood for a moment after Eric hung up, uncomfortably twisting at his phone's antenna. He walked back into the living room and switched the channel.
"Hey!" Heather exclaimed. "I was watching that!"
"I'm going up to bed," he grumbled before he made his way up the stairs.

He was starting to undress as Ellie knocked on the door. "Are you OK?"
"The record company guy just offered a larger advance sum." He sat down on the bed and placed his head in his hands. "Everything is getting all business-y, again."
"Do you want that?" she quietly asked as she sat next to him.
"I don't know...I'm just happy mucking around in the studio. If it gets business-y, then I have to release something soon, and if I do, then I'm just going to fail again."
"Why don't you just produce then? Nobody says you have to make and release albums."
He flopped down on the bed, letting out a frustrated grunt. "But that's the thing. I still want to perform, I still want to write and record for myself. I just hate the business side. I hate contracts and sales and chart positions. It should just be about the music."
She lay down next to him. "No one says you need to be as good as Justin."
"No, everyone says that. If I'm not as good, then I'm worse."
"Some might even say you're better, though." She made a small smile as he turned to her. "Justin can't sing the way you can. Nor can he dance as well, nor does he have hair as nice as yours." She leaned over and kissed him. "I bet he doesn't kiss as well as you do, nor does he eat pussy as well as you do, neither is his cock half the size of yours. I bet he isn't as good at lovemaking, or fucking, as you are. Nor do I think he's as sweet or as loving or beautiful."
"You're just saying that."
"Only because you need to hear it."
"I'm not like him."
"Yes, that's why I fell in love with you. Start seeing it as a positive, not a negative. Let Justin be Justin; don't strain yourself being someone other than you." She softly kissed his cheek, stroking his hair.
"I love you."
"I love you, too."

Early the next morning, John lightly tapped on Ellie's bedroom door. "It's 6am. Pa's gonna be here with your dad soon, Josh."
Within five minutes, JC climbed into the back seat of James's Volvo, trying to gain as much warmth as he could from his sweater and jacket. "Ugh! What's that smell?"
"The bait: crawfish," Roy grumbled over his gas station coffee.
"Is it supposed to smell that much?"
"If it didn't smell, they wouldn't be selling it as bait," James stated as John shut the trunk and got into the backseat with JC. "You two mind fishing off the Mississippi? It's a bit muddy, but that's where the best fish is." James started up the engine, driving out of the farm and east to their spot on the river.

JC looked over the water boiling on the camp stove around noon, watching Roy as he gracefully cast out a line.
"Josh told me that you adopted him when he was five," John said, checking the tautness of his line, trying to make small talk.
"Yeah," Roy replied. "Karen used to babysit his mother when she was a teenager. She was excommunicated from her family when she fell pregnant with Josh. We took her in until she could legally rent an apartment. She was OK for a while, but she just couldn't make do. She asked if we would take him in...what? 1981?"
"That's real kind of you. Emily and I considered adopting, back when we were having our troubles. But nothing ever came of it once we had Ellie." John reeled in his line, recasting it out. "She would've been our fourth, you know. They say fathers don't know what it's like losing a baby. I think I've got a pretty good idea."

JC carefully made his way down the bank, trying not to slip in the mud as he balanced the four mugs he was holding. "Did you two ever find out what was wrong? I mean, once is an accident, twice is a problem." He handed the mugs of tea and coffee to James, John and Roy.
"We never wanted to find out, frankly. Once Ellie came out as healthy as she did, we kind of just accepted our lot." John took a sip of tea.
"Do you think she feels any pressure to be perfect because she's your only opportunity to experience certain things?" JC brushed his hand on his pants.
"Of course, I kind of wished she didn't though. She stresses so much over everything. Getting good grades, meeting the right boy. She asked me last year if I could introduce her to one of my friend's son. I said, 'Baby, only you can find the right boy for you. I don't know what you like, nor do I know if he'd treat you well. You need to find him on your own.'"
"You shoulda told her to wait awhile," James joked.
"No, you need to tell him"—Roy pointed towards JC—"to wait a while. Next thing you know, they'll be eloping."
"You wouldn't do that, would you?" John asked as he threw his empty cup up the bank into the cooler.
"I don't think Ellie wants to," JC explained.
"I think she does. She's always hated how big weddings can get down here."
"You don't want her to have a fairytale wedding?"
"I want her to be happy and taken care of. It'll make things easier if you would just elope." John went back to his line, checking the reel, recasting it out onto the river.