"Mom?" McKenzie called after she had stepped in to the kitchen. Her mother sat at the kitchen table, a coffee cup wrapped in her hands in front of her. A notebook sat off to the side. She had made no move to acknowledge McKenzie. McKenzie wasn't even sure her mother knew she was even in the room. "Mom?" She called again.

"What?" Rachel jumped and blinked. She raised her head and saw McKenzie standing next to her. "You scared me."

"Are you okay?" McKenzie asked worried. Her mother was still in the same clothes she had changed in to when they had gotten home from her track meet. Her eyes were red rimmed. There was mascara and eye liner smudged on her face signaling she hadn't washed her make up off before going to bed. She frowned.

"I'm okay." Rachel forced a smile for her daughter. She lifted the coffee mug and took a drink. The coffee had long since cooled, signaling how long she had been sitting at the table. "Are you ready to go? Did you have breakfast? I can cook you something."

"No time to cook anything. It's almost time to go." McKenzie made no move to grab the banana off the counter like she had planned do when she walked into the kitchen.

"Oh," Rachel stared down at the watch on her wrist. "I didn't realize...I'll be ready to go in a few minutes."

"Are you sure you're okay?" McKenzie asked her mother again. "You look like you got in a fight with the eyeliner and lost."

"Oh!" Rachel raised a hand to her face, stopping herself from touching her eye. "I must have forgot to wash my face before I went to bed. I must look a fright." She couldn't bring herself to laugh or even smile. There had been no sleep last night. Not after the phone call with JC. There had been a lot of tears and sobs curled up in the corner of the couch. The throw pillow was probably stained with her makeup. She used it to try to muffle the noise.

McKenzie stared at her mother. Something was going on. As she opened her mouth to ask another question, Rachel left the room. She snapped her mouth shut and stared at the open doorway for a moment before going to grab a banana. Reaching for her mother's coffee cup, she discovered the liquid was cold. She grimaced and dumped the contents down the drain. Sitting the cup in the sink, she grabbed a travel mug from the cupboard and filled it with fresh coffee from the pot. Steam rose from the cup before she snapped the lid in place. Moving back to the table she pulled the notebook to her and flipped the cover. It was empty. She frowned again.

"That's for you," Rachel said as she came back into the kitchen. She wore a pair of black leggings and a plain white t-shirt and a black cardigan. Her face was freshly washed and free of make up and tear stains. Her hair was piled on top of her head in a messy bun. She was certain she looked better than she had a few moments ago. She certainly didn't feel better.

McKenzie frowned. "I don't need any for school?" She wondered if she had mentioned she needed a new notebook and had forgotten. Mentally she ran through all her classes but her notebooks were all still good. They would probably last through the end of the school year.

"It's not for school." Rachel picked up the travel mug and took a sip. The coffee burned her tongue and she blew into the tiny slit.

"What's it for?"

"I had this idea last night. I used to write a lot when I was pregnant with you. I couldn't talk to anyone. A notebook was the only thing I could talk to. I must have filled six of those one subject notebooks by the time you were born."

"What did you write?"

"Anything that was in my head. What I was feeling. What I wanted to say to people but couldn't. Anything that came to my head, I wrote it down. There were a lot of voices in there. A lot of thoughts and feelings. I couldn't make sense of it all. I just wrote everything down."

"Where are they?"

"I burned them."

"Why?" McKenzie stared at her mother. "Why would you burn your journals?"

"Because I didn't want anyone to read them. Definitely not your grandparents. At times they weren't happy and uplifting. Sometimes they were dark and scary. But it was what was in my head."

"Why are you giving me this?"

"You said you had so much going on up in your head and you couldn't figure it out. This way, you can write it down. Anything you want. It doesn't have to make sense. A lot of my writings didn't. But I was able to get it out and on to paper," Rachel explained. "I'm hoping, having a place to write it down, without fear of being judged, you can hash out the information and make peace with it. Figure out how it's going to affect you moving forward. You can always talk to me. Whenever you need me. Maybe by writing it down, it will help you be able to organize your thoughts so you can talk to me."

"Will you read it?" McKenzie asked, eyeballing the notebook.

Rachel shook her head. "Absolutely not. This is yours. I would never read it. I will only read it if you bring it to me and ask me to." She watched her daughter staring down at the notebook. "It's okay if you don't want to. I'm not going to make you. I just thought it might be something to help. I think it might be good for you to talk to someone. I'm going to make a few phone calls today."

"Like a shrink?" McKenzie's head snapped up.

"Yeah, I guess so."

"I don't want to talk to some stranger."

"It might help you to talk to someone who isn't affected by what happened. Everyone you know is affected. Grandma and Grandpa. Stacy. Lance. Joey. Mel." Rachel explained. "If you talk to this person, they won't have their own emotions clouding any advice they give you."

"You never went to talk to someone after what happened."

"No," Rachel sighed. "Maybe if I had, we wouldn't be where we are right now." ‘Maybe I would have been able to hold on to JC for more than a couple of weeks.' The pain in her chest was sharp and fierce at the thought. "I would have been able to broach the subject before now. I might have been able to handle it all differently. I could have been better equipped to help you through this."

There was something prickling at the back of McKenzie's mind. She couldn't put a finger on it. When it hit her, she looked back at her mother. "You didn't mention JC."

"What?" Rachel whispered.

McKenzie caught the wave of pain that crossed her mother's face and she felt a hand squeeze her heart. "When you said everyone I know is affected, so I can't talk to them. You mentioned every adult except JC. Why?"

"I must have forgot," Rachel waved her daughter off. "Come on. It's time to go."

McKenzie watched as her mom left the kitchen. She pulled the notebook toward her and lifted it from the table. Maybe she would give it a try. At the door she grabbed her book bag and track bag.

The ride to school was quiet. The radio played in the background on a single station. Usually her mom was constantly scanning the stations searching for songs to listen to. This time, it stayed on the same country station. McKenzie stared out the window trying to figure out what was going on. Something was going on with her mom. She wasn't ready to go this morning, her appearance was haggard. She had a full cup of cold coffee at the kitchen table signaling she'd been sitting there for a long time. She hadn't mentioned JC when he was a name she had mentioned a lot to her in the past week as someone she could talk to if McKenzie hadn't wanted to talk to her.

At her locker she was still thinking about the conversation in the kitchen when she saw Briahna walking down the hallway. "Hey!" The smile on her face faltered when her best friend didn't smile back. "Are you okay?" She hated not having a phone. She couldn't text Briahna at all. Her punishment was until Sunday. At least she hoped. She hoped she got it back Sunday and didn't have to wait through Sunday.

"Yeah. I'm fine." Briahna said and glanced down the hallway to her locker. "I need to get my stuff."

McKenzie frowned as Briahna walked away. She stared after her wondering what was going on. It almost seemed like her best friend was mad at her. How could that be? She hadn't done anything to her. Maybe something had happened and she didn't know because she was without her phone.

It was still plaguing her at lunch time. Briahna didn't seek her out in line to stand with her like she normally does. McKenzie had sat down at their table alone, scanning the cafeteria in search of her friend. When she finally spotted Briahna sitting at another table with a group of people, she frowned. It hurt. Briahna never sat anywhere but with her. Usually they had a lot of people at their table. People switched out depending, but she and Briahna were always constant. Now Briahna was eating at another table.

Briahna ignored her the rest of the day. Even in the classes they shared in the afternoon. McKenzie hadn't been able to talk to her until school was over. Briahna would head out to where Melissa was waiting in the parking lot. McKenzie would head to the girls locker room to get ready for track. She had twenty minutes from the final bell until she had to be down on the track.

"Briahna, wait!" McKenzie called and quickly shut her locker when she saw her friend walking down the hall.

"I gotta go," Briahna told her. "My mom is waiting."

"Then I'll walk with you."

"Coach will make you run laps if you're late."

"I don't care." McKenzie said. "I want to know what's wrong? You won't talk to me. You didn't sit with me at lunch."

"I can sit with other friends at lunch."

"But we always sit together." McKenzie whispered. "Are you mad at me? What did I do?"

"You're acting like a jerk."

McKenzie blinked in surprise. "What?"

"Ever since you found out about your father, you've been acting like a jerk and no one is allowed to say anything because they don't want to upset you." Briahna glared at her.

"Excuse me for not spilling sunshine and unicorns when I found out." McKenzie snapped. "When have I acted like a jerk?"

"Yesterday at your track meet. We all came to cheer you on. You didn't care. JC even showed up. And you told him you didn't even want him there! Do you know he had to rearrange his schedule to be able to make it your track meet? That Lance had to find a guest to fill in for him on his radio show so he could be there?"

McKenzie stared at Briahna wide eyed.

"Of course you don't." Briahna rolled your eyes. "You don't even care. You acted like a brat yelling at us because boo hoo you fell down and didn't win. So what your daddy isn't who you wanted it to be. Why does he even matter? He's not in your life. He's not part of your life. What happened doesn't give you the right to treat us like crap. I bet that's the reason JC broke up with your mom."

"What?" McKenzie whispered, bewildered. JC broke up with her mom? When? Her mom's appearance from this morning flashed through her mind. Another wave of pain coursed through her. The reason her mother hadn't mentioned being able to talk to JC was because they were no longer together.

"I heard mom and dad talking. I bet he could have been your dad if you hadn't pushed him away. He's pretty awesome. But you got hung up on some sperm donor who shares your DNA. Now you not only ruined your dream, but your mom's as well."

McKenzie couldn't do anything but watch as Briahna spun on her heel and walked away.

*~*

"How was school?" Rachel asked as McKenzie climbed into the passenger seat after tossing her bags in the backseat.

"Fine." McKenzie muttered. She scribbled across the notebook page. "Coach wants to talk to you."

Rachel blinked and looked at the windshield seeing McKenzie's track coach walking toward them. "What happened?"

"I don't know." McKenzie shrugged, not bothering to look up. She just continued writing.

Rachel stared at her daughter a few seconds longer, before she climbed out of the car and walked toward the track coach.

"Ms. Bass," Ms. Andrews held out her hand for Rachel to shake. "How are you?"

"It's been a long week," Rachel said truthfully. "But I'm okay. Is there something going on?"

"I wanted to let you know that McKenzie skipped practice today."

"What?" Rachel looked back to her car. Her daughter's head was bent to her lap.

"She never showed up. The girls said they had seen her after school, but they never saw her in the locker room and she never showed up. I know she was out a few days this week. Is she feeling alright? Is she sick?"

Rachel shook her head. "No. She's not sick. She's just..." she sighed wondering how much she should say. "She's going through a personal issue right now and she's taking it hard. I'm trying to help her but..." she sighed again. "Teenagers."

Ms. Andrews nodded. "I understand. If there is anything I can do?"

Rachel shook her head, sending her an appreciative smile. "Thank you. Is she going to be punished for skipping practice?"

Ms. Andrews shook her head. "I'll let it go with a warning this time because I can tell there is something going on with her."

"Thank you. I will talk with her so this doesn't happen again." Rachel shook the coach's hand and walked back to the car. "Young lady, what is the meaning of skipping practice?"

"I didn't feel like running," McKenzie shrugged.

"McKenzie," Rachel sighed. She reached forward and turned the radio down. "That's not how this works."

"I had a bad day okay," McKenzie looked up, staring at her mother. "I started to go to the locker room to get read for practice. I went to my locker to grab my things and as I was putting my books in my bag, I saw the notebook you gave me. I don't know... I just started writing. I couldn't stop. I didn't want to stop. When I realized the time, I changed into my practice clothes and went to the track hoping to make you think I was at practice. Coach caught me. Am I in trouble?"

"She gave you a warning. You're lucky." Rachel told her. She placed a hand on McKenzie's shoulder. "Do you want to talk about what happened today? Why you had a bad day?"

"I thought that's what the notebook is for?'

"Doesn't mean I'm not gonna ask you if you're okay or what's going on," Rachel said patiently. "I still hope you'll talk to me."

"Briahna and I got in to a huge fight." McKenzie looked down at the notebook, twiddling the pen in her fingers. "Did you and JC really break up?"

"How...how do you know?" Rachel whispered. The question caught her off guard.

"Briahna..." McKenzie raised her head and looked at her mom. The tears she saw made her own eyes fill with tears. "She was right... JC did break up with you." She sniffled and felt a tear roll down her cheek. She watched as it dropped off her face onto her notebook. The black ink ran and discolored. "It's my fault, isn't it? It's my fault."

"No Kenzi. It's not your fault." Rachel pulled her daughter into a hug across the center counsel, holding her as she cried. She could feel her own tears falling.  "It's okay." She whispered. Today had been rough. Once she had returned from dropping McKenzie off at school, the silence in the house had been loud. It made her wish McKenzie had stayed home from school. Least the house wouldn't be lonely.

It hadn't been lonely for long. Melissa had shown up with a large cup of coffee and a dozen donuts. Rachel hadn't even questioned how she knew what had happened. She had just been thankful she knew and had been there. There had been plenty of tears all day long. Plenty of anger on Melissa's part. Rachel wasn't able to feel anything other than pain and sadness. She couldn't even think about anger.

She should have felt relief. After all, she had been thinking about breaking it off. She shouldn't be torn up about it just because JC did it first. But it hurt. It hurt so much. She may have thought about breaking it off with JC because of McKenzie, but she knew she wouldn't have been able to go through with it. She loved him too much. She had finally gotten what she had wanted: JC. The one thing she had wished for since she was 19, had been hers. Then it had been cruelly snatched after eighteen days.

Eighteen days had been all she had gotten. Nine of those days she had spent in Mississippi. They never even got to go out on a traditional date. The two times they did go out, McKenzie had been with them and they had hit up a burger joint and a pizza place. There had been a few kisses, a few hugs, and not a lot of snuggling. No moving past first base where JC had firmly planted himself on when he met her at the door in a commandeering kiss.

They never had a chance.

It was a tease. A snippet of what could have been; of what they could have had. Somehow, she had screwed it all up. Mistakes she had maybe fourteen years ago were coming back to haunt her ruining dreams she had dreamt for so long. Dreams she thought had been coming true. Rachel wasn't sure what was worse: spending fifteen years dreaming about what might have been and what it might have been like or knowing and having it snatched away before it even sunk in that she had it.

"Can you fix it?"

"Fix what?" Rachel asked, pulling back.

"You and JC." McKenzie wiped her eyes and sat back in her seat.

"I don't know Sweetie. I don't know."

*~*

The sun was setting by the time JC left the studio he'd been holed up in since that morning. It hadn't been a studio day originally, but an issue cropped up with an artist he had been working with. The whole team was called back in. It had been a long day, especially long for him since it was a fight for him to keep his head on the task at hand. That had never been a problem for him before. He'd always been able to separate his personal life from music. When he went in to the studio or a writing session, he had always been able to shut off his brain to everything but music.

The hangover he had been nursing throughout the day hadn't helped. After Rachel had delivered a final bye and hung up the phone, he had tried calling her back to no avail. She hadn't answered. It had crossed his mind to drive to her house. He had been climbing in his car before he realized how late it would have been when he would have gotten to her house. He then remembered McKenzie's attitude from the track meet and went back inside. He poured himself a drink he shouldn't have.

JC was angry with himself. He shouldn't have hesitated over the phone. He shouldn't have allowed Rachel to steamroll their conversation into a break up. He should have gone over to her house and fixed the miscommunication. It wasn't like he had slept last night anyway. The worst part was that he had made himself a liar. He had told Rachel over the phone when she was in Mississippi nothing would change his feelings for her. He loved her before the news and he loved her after. Now she thought he didn't. There was no telling what she thought about him. Thinking he couldn't handle what she had gone through - what she was still going through. Thinking he looked at her differently.

It couldn't be farther from the truth. He loved her. Had loved her since he was 22. Finding out what happened and about McKenzie hadn't changed that for him. He just had no idea how to help them. He was lost. He wanted to fix it. He wanted to make the hurt and the pain go away. It wasn't something he could do. One of the worst feelings in the world - knowing you couldn't help.

JC had gotten through traffic fairly easy. Though if he had been asked, he wouldn't have been able to say how he'd gotten home. He didn't remember the drive. He pulled into his garage and as he walked in to his house, hit the button on the wall to close the door. Silence met him. Silence had been meeting him a lot over the years. It used to not bother him but lately it had been getting to him more and more.

After finding out McKenzie thought he was her father, he had dreamt it was actually true. Coming home to laughter and conversation ringing through the house. Music blaring loudly from a room upstairs. A million shoes piled up at the door. A book bag tossed in random places. School calendars and notices cluttering up his fridge door. His DVR filled with the worst possible shows. Justin Bieber concerts. Taylor Swift concerts. Teenage girls coming and going from his house every day. The laughter. The giggling.

He imagined easels and drawing boards slowly taking over the downstairs mixing with all his music equipment. He hadn't been able to find a care. He imagined the décor slowly changing into something that better resembled a home and less a house. Both sides of his bed would be untucked. Half of his closet would have been lost. Most of the bathroom counter. It would be littered with perfumes, creams, lotions, serums, mascara tubes, lipstick, and eye pencils.

The accomplishments that he held dear would be replaced with Honor Roll certificates, track and field medals, volleyball championships, piano recitals, marching band performances... His free time would be taken up by track meets, volleyball games, and Friday night football. There would be baby cries and toddler laughter. More than likely dogs barking and cats purring. There would be a new house because his would be bursting at the seams to hold everyone.

JC had imagined it all. The silence rang louder signaling the disappearance of everything he had imagined. The house wasn't bursting at the seams. It was empty. He spotted the liquor bottle sitting on the counter and sighed. He grabbed it and put it away and wiped the counters down. In the fridge, he searched the contents for something he could warm up. A container of Chinese take out stared back at him. He opened the top and sniffed it. Sniffing it again he shrugged and dumped the contents into a bowl popping it in the microwave.

While he waited for his food to warm, he pulled his phone from his pocket and looked at the notifications. Joey, in no uncertain terms, told him he was a dumbass. There had been an embarrassing phone call to his former bandmate the previous night. Another mistake. He wasn't sure what he told Joey and if he was even making any sense. For Joey to call him a dumbass, he was certain Joey was able to read what he'd been saying.

He just wasn't sure how to fix it. McKenzie still didn't want him around. How could he be in a relationship with Rachel when her daughter didn't like him? It wasn't possible. The relationship would be strained. He'd be trying not to upset McKenzie; trying to toe the line. Rachel would be trying to keep them both happy. No one would win. The strain and the stress would be too much. Eventually they'd grow to hate each other. Hating Rachel wasn't something he could imagine.

‘You picking us up from the airport or should we rent a car? It will probably be easier to rent a car.'

JC read the text from his mother and frowned. He groaned when he saw the date. His parents were coming to visit for the week along with Tyler, his wife Sarah, and his sister, Heather and her husband, Drew. He had completely forgotten. ‘It would be easier to rent a car.' There would be too many people and bags for his Mercedes convertible. Sometimes when he had family visiting, he'd rent an SUV that offered more room. With six visitors, traveling in one car would be too much.

‘Can't wait to see Rachel again and to meet McKenzie.'

The text brought JC up short. He remembered the conversation he had earlier in the week with his mom when she called to remind him about their flight. She hadn't been able to stop talking about Rachel and McKenzie. He had promised they would all get together. He even mentioned McKenzie's track meet which his mother had jumped at the chance to go. He wasn't even sure if he mentioned to Rachel his family was visiting. The days following their return from Mississippi had been chaotic.

He sighed. ‘Rachel and I aren't together anymore.' He was impressed with how quickly his phone rang. "Hello Mom."

"What do you mean you and Rachel aren't together anymore?" Karen fired as soon as he answered.

"Exactly what it means Mom," JC sighed. "We broke up."

"Whose stupid idea what that?"

"Mine I think." The conversation with Rachel was still confusing. He had tried working it out in his head how a single pause had led to the end of their relationship.

"You're an idiot." Karen said bluntly.

"Thanks Mom."

Karen sighed. "What happened JC?"

JC opened his mouth to brush off his mom's questions not wanting to get in to what happened with Rachel. He wasn't sure himself. To his horror, everything tumbled out. His feelings when he was younger. Rachel's feelings. What happened before the No Strings Attached tour. Why she kept what happened a secret. Rachel's pregnancy. McKenzie believing he was her father. Everything. When he was finished, the silence stretch over the phone line.

"Oh my word," Karen finally said, her voice a soft whisper. "Poor Rachel... I can't believe... I can't imagine... Poor McKenzie. That's a lot for a little girl to handle. At her age... I bet it's all so confusing for her. I wish Rachel would have said something... she didn't have to do this alone. Your father and I would have been there for her."

"I would have too. We all would have. It makes me angry when I think about why she didn't say anything."

"She was trying to protect you guys."

"Our careers were not more important than her.

"No." Karen agreed. "But she didn't want to see you guys lose them after knowing how hard you guys worked. No one else knew better than she did. She saw everything."

"I wish I would have seen him look at her just once and been able to stop it."

"It's not that easy, Sweetie. You could make yourself go crazy looking back at all the instances they were in the same room together and try to think if that was the moment. He could have planned it or it could have been spontaneous. You'll never know. Unless you ask him..."

"The last thing I would be doing if I saw him again would be having a conversation."

Karen could hear the anger laced in JC's words. "You're gonna have to let your anger go. Being angry will not help Rachel or McKenzie. You need to find a way to put it behind you. Concentrate on Rachel and McKenzie. Being there for them and being what they need you to be."