March 2000

In the intimate confines of the vocal booth, standing under the soft glow of the dimmed studio lights, Char stood in front of the microphone, with headphones securely in place. The track started, and music filled her ears, and she used the four-measure intro to prepare for her part. Closing her eyes, she allowed herself to be enveloped by the luscious chords and dream-like melody. One measure before, she took a deep diaphragmatic breath in preparation for her starting line. Right on cue, her voice erupted from her lips, bleeding seamlessly with the music.

I never knew 'til I looked in your eyes
I was incomplete 'til the day you walked into my life,
And I never knew that my heart could feel
So precious and pure, our love is so real

As she sang the final notes of her verse, the track abruptly came to a halt. A brief moment of silence filled the space, before she spoke into the microphone. "How was that?"

"That was great babe," JC replied, his voice resonating through the intercom, filling her ears, warm and reassuring. "Come out and take a listen."

Eager to hear her take, and what her voice sounded like with his, Char removed her headphones, and placed them on the mic stand before exiting the vocal booth. Stepping through the door, and entering on the other side, into the control room, she was met by a smiling JC, along with their co-producer, Rodney Jerkins.

"Yo, that take was it!" Rodney said enthusiastically, causing Char to blush. "I don't think she need to do that again."

"Thanks," Char smiled bashfully, taking the empty seat between JC and Rodney. Recording was nothing new to her, however being in the studio and creating music alongside her boyfriend was. Creating, recording, and being in the studio was her favorite part of being an artist. She lived for it, and it's where she thrived, but being able to do that with JC only made the experience that much more enjoyable.

"Ready?" JC asked, turning to Char, with his hand on the computer mouse.

"Yeah," she nodded.

"Let's hear it," Rodney said excitedly.

As JC clicked played, the control room came alive with the gentle, fluttering sounds of keys and chimes, followed by a brief intro before JC's verse.

I never knew such a day could come
And I never knew such a love could be inside of one
I never knew what my life was for
But now that you're here, I know for sure

I never knew 'til I looked in your eyes (oh, baby)
I was incomplete 'til the day you walked into my life, ooh
And I never knew that my heart could feel
So precious and pure, our love is so real

As the song played, Char's lips curled into a tender smile, her heart swelling with pride and joy. The intertwining of her's and JC's perfectly blended, serenaded her ears. A wave of emotion washed over her, as she was able to hear the connection they shared in musical form.

Can I just see you every morning when I open my eyes
Can I just feel your heart beating beside me every night
Can we just feel this way together 'til the end of all time
Can I just spend my life with you

As the final notes of the chorus lingered, Char's gaze instinctively sought out JC's. In that instant, time seemed to suspend, and the air around them thickened with an electrifying tension. In that moment, it was as if their eyes were two mirrors reflecting a shared understanding.

When the music came to an end, Char's attention was gently pulled away from JC's gaze by Rodney's voice, cutting through the charged atmosphere. "Now that is a hit!" he exclaimed, rubbing his hands together.

Char turned to acknowledge him, a smile tugging at her lips. "Well if anyone knows, it's you!" Grammy Award-nominated producer, Rodney "Darkchild" Jerkins, was a force to be reckoned with- a one man hit-making factory. With a string of chart-topping hits, and a reputation that preceded him, his talent and ear for music was unparalleled. His creative touch had produced three top ten hits for Char on her debut album, and the undeniable chemistry they shared in the studio made them a perfect team. So, as Char began recording for her sophomore album, it was a no-brainer to enlist Rodney as a part of the production team.

"I'm telling you," Rodney said, wagging a finger. "You two together, are magic!"

"Well, hey, I mean, I can't argue with that," JC chimed in a playful glint in his eyes. He leaned back in his chair, mirroring Char's smile, and a warmth spread across his features. In that shared moment of acknowledgement, their connection seemed to deepen, their unspoken understanding transcending the bounds of words.

"Well on that note," said Rodney. "I think it's a good time for a break. Good work y'all!"

"Oh my gosh, time flies," Char remarked, checking the time on her watch.

Rodney stretched his arms above his head, the strains of their collaborative session still reverberating in the air. "Why don't you two lovebirds get out of here," he teased. "Y'all earned a much-needed place."

"Sounds like a plan," JC agreed, looking at Char. "Let's get outta here!"

*~*~*~*~*

"You okay?" JC asked Char as he watched her pick at her salad. An hour later, they were seated at an outside table at The Ivy. The golden rays of the afternoon cast a warm glow over the bustling scene. The chatter of patrons and the clinking glasses mixed with the sounds of passersby and the shuttering of cameras from paparazzi competing for the best celebrity sighting.

Char looked up from her plate, meeting his eyes, silently praying that her anxiety wasn't noticeable. "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

"Well for one, you've barely said a word since we left the studio," JC pointed out. "It's like you had a sudden shift in your mood."

Okay, so maybe her anxiety was noticeable. "I guess I'm just a little bit on edge," she admitted.

JC looked around and a realization dawned on him. "About... being out... in public?"

"Yeah," Char nodded. "I feel like everyone's staring at us."

JC shrugged. "I mean, they probably are. So what?"

"I-" Char stammered, trying to articulate her thoughts. "It's just that things are different now." Ever since their relationship had been outed, Char found herself thrust into the harsh spotlight of public scrutiny. The love she shared with JC, had become a catalyst for hate. The influx of hate mail and venomous comments that polluted online message boards had taken a toll on her spirit. While a significant portion of their devoted fans embraced their relationship with open arms, and were genuinely happy for them, there remained a distressing segment within the *Nsync fandom that hated that they were together. Many felt betrayed once it was revealed that they'd been together for almost seven years, and the vitriol aimed at Char seemed relentless.

Over the years, and as her star was on the rise, Char had become well acquainted with the dark side of fame- the hate comments, the unwarranted criticism, the constant scrutiny of her every move, the unsolicited comments on her weight and body. She'd learned to develop a thick skin, knowing that being in the public eye meant exposing herself to both adoration and animosity. But it was the insidious racism woven within these attacks that pierced through her defenses, shaking her to her core.

With each passing week, the racism grew more blatant, more brazen. It was a poison that seeped into her consciousness. Every racist comment she encountered triggered a visceral response, an overwhelming wave of anxiety that almost consumed her entire being.

JC was no stranger to the world of gossip blogs, forums, and message boards, but he had consciously distanced himself from the toxic environment they often fostered. Aware of the negativity that could arise from such platforms, he chose to shield himself from the barrage of hate and criticism that had plagued their relationship. Char, on the other hand, found herself ensnared in a treacherous cycle. In her moments of solitude, when the weight of the world pressed upon her shoulders, she would inadvertently find herself descending into the depths of those online rabbit holes, as if an invisible force drew her in, compelling her to read the hurtful comments and immerse herself in the sea of negativity.

With every passing minute spent browsing chat rooms and message boards, the poison of those hateful words seeped into Char's being, their impact far surpassing mere criticism. It gnawed at her self-worth, planting seeds of shame deep within her soul. The inexplicable shame left her even more confused and grappling with conflicting emotions. Logically, she knew that the bigotry and ignorance behind those comments were not a reflection of her worth or character. But even still, the shame persisted, lingering like an unwelcome guest in the corridors of her mind.

The suffocating weight of shame and embarrassment held Char captive, rendering her voiceless and unable to reveal the true extent of the hate to JC, her mom, or Johnny. In her mind, she felt like keeping it from them was for their benefit. Aware of JC's fiercely protective nature, she feared that his reaction would ignite a firestorm, subjecting him and the rest of the group to backlash from fans. She couldn't bare to be the cause of such turmoil among the guys.

And while she desperately wanted to talk to Johnny about it, she couldn't, because he was her co-manager alongside her mother. And anything that Johnny knew, her mother would know. Diahna, fierce and protective, would undoubtedly embark on a warpath, escalating the situation beyond measure. The mere thought of her mother amplifying the already tumultuous circumstances filled Char with even more anxiety. She wanted the least amount of attention on this as possible. So, she suffered in silence, hoping and praying that it would all die down.

"Does it bother you?" Char asked JC, finally working up the nerve.

"Does what bother me?" JC asked, in between bites of his food. "The attention? What other people have to say? No," he shrugged dismissively.

"No, I mean-" she stopped short, working up the nerve to ask the question. "Does it bother you that... I'm black, and you're white?"

JC's gaze locked onto Char, his expression a whirlwind of disbelief, surprise, and a tinge of hurt. Words momentarily escaped him. "I... Are you being serious right now?" he finally managed to utter, his voice tinged with a mixture of shock and confusion.

Char met his eyes with a look of apprehension, nodding cautiously. "Yes," she answered him.

A flicker of pain flashed across JC's eyes before his features softened. "Baby," he said, his voice soft. "We've been together for almost seven years. If it bothered me, I would've never pursued you in the first place."

Char nodded, her heart squeezing with the truth of JC's words. He didn't need to say that for her to already know it. She knew before she even asked the question, but she needed the validation. Until now, being an interracial couple had never been an issue for them. It never came up, and it wasn't even something that they even consciously thought about. But now, it was all she could seem to think about, and it was driving her mad.

"Is something bothering you?"

JC's voice, filled with concern, broke through the tangled web of Char's thoughts. She hesitated for a moment, caught between the desire to protect JC from the weight of her own struggles, and the longing to finally let everything go. The weariness of carrying everything in silence had begun to take its toll, the constant loop of hurtful comments, messages, and letters echoing in her mind. "I-" she choked, not even knowing where to begin. "It's just... that... um... the fans don't like that I'm with you."

A confused look crossed JC's face. "That's what's bothering you?" he asked, surprised. "But we already discussed this. I thought we agreed not to let the opinions of a few small minded people get to us."

As she met his gaze, Char realized that he was completely oblivious. In that moment, she grappled with a tumultuous conflict within herself. There was a large part of her that wanted to protect his innocence, and also to keep him from reacting. Yet the weight of her own suffering had become too heavy to bear alone, and all she wanted to do was tell him everything, like she always had.

"No, it's not that!" Char blurted out, surrendering to the inner turmoil that had consumed her. The weight of her secret had become too heavy to bear alone. "Josh, people have been ruthless. Cruel. Going way below the belt," she continued. "I don't even feel comfortable repeating some of the things fans have said to me and about me." She paused, taking a deep breath to steady herself, as her hands started trembling. She looked into JC's eyes, her voice barely above a whisper, as she revealed what hurt her most of all. "I get called the N-word on a daily basis."

The words hung in the air, heavy with the reality that Char had faced. She finally unleased the burden of the hate she had endured, exposing the raw vulnerability that lay beneath her brave façade.

"Wait, what?" JC gasped. His face paled, his eyes filled with a mix of shock, anger, and profound sadness.

"I- I didn't want to make things worse," she stammered.

His shock turned into incredulity as he absorbed her words. "Make things worse by telling me?" JC's voice rose with a mix of confusion and frustration. The idea that his ignorance had inadvertently perpetuated her suffering struck him hard.

Char's eyes welled with tears, her voice quivering. "I didn't want you to lash out at the fans," she explained, her words strained. "I don't want you to address it and have that cause backlash for you and the guys."

His anguish intermingled with a fierce protectiveness. "I'm your boyfriend Char. It's my job to protect you," he said, his tone unwavering. "If you're being attacked, I need to fucking know these things!"

Tears streamed down her cheeks, and she mentally berated herself for crying in public, terrified that paparazzi may pop out of a nearby bush at any moment to capture her breakdown. "I don't-" she choked. "I don't wanna pit you and the guys against your fans. That's the last thing I wanna do."

"If they're racist, then they're not our fans. And I sure as hell don't want them buying our music," JC declared, his voice resolute.

She loved him, unconditionally, and she knew how much he loved her, and the lengths he'd go to protect her. Even so, she'd never ask him to put his career on the line for her. She had witnessed firsthand the struggles the guys had faced with their former manager, Lou Pearlman. The battle had almost cost them everything they'd worked so hard for. Now, that Bye, Bye, Bye, was a top 5 hit on the US charts, and rising on the charts internationally, and their album projected to go number 1, they were on the precipice of greatness. They were so close to proving their staying power without the help of Lou, the fear of jeopardizing it all weighed heavily on her.

"Josh, I just watched you guys dig yourselves out of the damn gutter," Char replied, her voice filled with determination. "Your album is about to come out, you guys are bigger than ever right now. You can't say anything!" She pleaded.

JC stared at her with desperation in his eyes, his heart breaking. His girlfriend was falling apart in front of him, and she was begging him not to do anything about because of... him. "You tell me you're on the receiving end of racial attacks, and yet you expect me to just sit here and be fine with it?"

"I don't expect you to be fine with it. I'm just asking you to keep your cool," Char replied as she wiped her tears on a napkin, attempting to regain her composure.

"I don't know how you expect me to be cool about this," JC said, his voice laced with incredulity. "Does Ms. Diahna know about this?"

Char opened her mouth to speak, but JC cut her off.

"No," he shook his head. "Because if she did, she'd be going nuclear by now!"

"And she can't know!" Char told him. "Not yet."

"She needs to know," JC replied. "And so does Johnny. It needs to be addressed. This isn't okay, babe."

"I know," Char nodded. "Trust me, I know."

"Well if you don't want me to say anything, at least let Johnny do something about it. He could have Sonia come up with a statement" he suggested, referring to the group's publicist, Sonia Muckle.

"Fine," Char conceded. She felt a headache coming on and she was tired of going back and forth with him. "But not until after the album comes out."

"You're not serious?" JC balked. "That's two whole weeks!"

"Yeah, I know!" Char retorted. "Just keep quiet for two weeks. Better yet, make it three. Wait until after the first week's sales come in."

JC let out an exasperated sigh, and squeezed his eyes shut. "I don't know if I can do that," he said honestly.

"You have to. Please," she pleaded with him. "I can ride it out for just three more weeks, I promise."

"Fuck," groaned. "Fine! Three weeks, and then we sit down together, and tell your mom, Johnny, and Sonia."

"Okay, fine." Char agreed.

"But you have to promise me something," JC said, meeting her gaze.

"What?" Char asked apprehensively.

"No more secrets," JC demanded. "I can't have you keeping things from me. Especially things like this. If people are attacking you, then I need to know."

Char's heart swelled with a mixture of gratitude and relief as she embraced JC's warmth, his words of unwavering support overwhelming her. In that moment, she felt a weight lift from her shoulders, the burden of her secrets and struggles shared between them. Rendered speechless, she simply nodded, watching as he got up from his chair, and knelt down beside her.

"C'mere," he whispered, his arms outstretched. Char fell into his arms, and they stayed locked into each other's embrace. Char's tears fell silently, but this time, they were tears of release in the realization that she was not alone in her battles.

JC's grip tightened, his voice a tender whisper against her ear. "Anything you go through, we go through together," he vowed, his words resolute and filled with an unwavering commitment. "You're not alone."