December 23rd, 2001

Turbulence.  As I reflected on the past 24-hours, it seems fitting that this little adventure end in turbulence.  The knot in my stomach that had existed since I woke up this morning expanded exponentially as the plane waivered violently in the wind.  I took a slow glance around the cabin and saw that he slept peacefully in his chair, his head tucked into the hood of his sweatshirt.  Lance, on the other hand, sat across from me, gripping his arm rests with white-knuckled fists and muttering under his breath.  He hated to fly much more than I, which I found some comfort in.  The others were seated around a small table, playing a boisterous game of cards.  I closed my eyes, drowning the noise out, and relived what had happened only hours prior. 

To really understand this, I should explain the short history of this thing between him and I that started a little less than a year ago.  After being assigned as an assistant to their public relations firm account, I started working with them in a professional capacity.  Four months in, it was decided that I would be lead and head out on the road with them for their Pop Odyssey Tour, promoting their Celebrity album.  The preparations meant I went from an office-based position to on-site.  Spending that much direct time with people certainly develops relationships at a rapid pace.  After a short period of time, I was able to get to know all of them on a personal level.   Lance and I instantly connected and became friends right from the get-go.  He was easy to talk to and quickly became my confidant.  Wild and childish at every turn, Justin and Chris were hilarious.  Joey was fun-loving and excited about his new fatherhood.  And then there was JC.  He was always polite, but seemed to much prefer keeping to himself.  There was something peculiar and fascinating about him, the way he would command an audience with high-energy at night and then spend his days quietly aloof.  He was intriguing, to say the least. 

The night things changed between us was a little over a month on the tour.  The boys were all heading into their respective hotel rooms for the night as my phone rang.  I answered it in the hallway and felt my legs give out as I was told that one of my friend’s had been in a fatal car accident.  I covered my mouth with a hand as I tried to wipe my tears away with the other, leaning against the hallway wall for support.  JC opened his door and offered his hand to pull me up without saying a word.  I timidly held my hand out and he wrapped an arm around my waist as he keyed into his room with his free hand.  As the door closed behind us, he wrapped his arms around me into a tight hug.  I stood there with him in the entryway of his room, tightening my grip around him and feeling his heartbeat through his sweater.  We must have stayed that way for almost twenty minutes.  He slid his hands down my arms as he slowly moved away, searching my eyes with his own to see how I was.  It was in that moment that I fell for him. 

I tried to talk myself out of it.  First of all, he was in a relationship.  There was also the immediately obvious threat that my feelings for him posed to my job.  Not to mention the baggage that would come with being involved with a celebrity, if we were to even get a place where we were involved.  I tried to suppress my feelings, leaning on the fact that he had a girlfriend as my best line of defense between my head and my heart.   It was no easy task.  Every time we interacted, I felt little butterflies in my stomach.  He and I seemed to have an understanding ever since that night and I found him opening up to me.  He always laughed at my jokes, even the worst ones.  There was a chemistry happening between us and the absence of his girlfriend on tour made it easier for me to deny the reality of the situation.  He even showed me some of the songs he was writing, playing a riff on a guitar or singing a few lyrics.  This was the ultimate form of trust from him.  I had finally convinced myself that, maybe, if his current relationship ended I would consider telling him how I felt.  Consider. 

One night, I had drunkenly admitted to Lance that I had feelings for JC.  He was all too excited to hear this.  “Emma, you have to tell him!  You would be so cute together!”

I shook my head, “No, Lance.  He’s in a relationship.”

Lance leaned in and gave me a knowing look.  “He might not be if he knew you were a possibility.”

I shook my head.  “He must know.  I mean, I flirt with him all the time.  I feel like everyone knows.”

He laughed and shook his head.  “JC is the most oblivious person I have ever met.  You pretty much need to tell him exactly how you feel for it to sink in.  And, even after that, you may need to hand it to him in writing to read and review.”  He took a swig of his beer and smiled.  “Emma, you should tell him.  Promise me this – when JC is single again, because let’s face it, she’s not sticking around, tell him.  Otherwise, you’ll just wonder what could have been.  You’ll just end up torturing yourself.”

“I’d consider it.”

“Well, consider it.  Otherwise, I’ll consider telling him myself.”

“Laaance!” I slammed my hand down on the tabletop.

“You’ll thank me later after the two of you hook up.  I expect full details.  I’ve always wanted to know how he-”

“Alright, alright,” I rolled my eyes and chuckled. 

Months went on and my feelings for JC only deepened.  Right before Thanksgiving, he broke up with his girlfriend.  He didn’t seem to be troubled by it, in fact he seemed liberated.  The night of my birthday was also a concert night, so I went out to dinner with two friends.  I was content to call it an early night and headed back to my hotel room afterwards.  A knock on my door surprised me around midnight.  I opened the door to meet his warm blue eyes.

“Happy birthday, Emma,” he smiled, shyly.  He seemed to be debating whether or not to hug me, still wearing the sweat-ridden clothes from the show. 

“Thanks, JC,” I smiled back at him as he did, indeed, hug me.  Being in his arms reminded me of the first time we had embraced and I felt that familiar dizziness again.  A knock at the door broke the spell and we quickly broke hold as I opened it.  Joey was standing there with flowers. 

“Hey Em, just wanted to give you these from all of us,” he said, handing me them.  He surveyed the situation and then laughed to himself.  “Sorry, didn’t mean to cock-block.”

JC’s cheeks reddened and he ran a hand through his hair nervously.  “I’m going to head to bed.  Goodnight Emma.”  He quickly darted out the door. 

Joey frowned, “Sorry, Em.”

I sighed, “It’s alright Joey.  Thanks for the flowers.  Thank everyone, okay?”

He nodded and waved good bye as he closed the door behind him. 

Anyway, this brought me to the night of December 22nd.  The boys had been on a short album publicity tour in Europe in between legs of their Pop Odyssey Tour.  London was the final stop and we were all supposed to leave to head home for the holidays on the 23rd.  They had a private jet charted to fly them to New York, but I had booked my own ticket to fly direct from London to D.C.  It would be much easier for me to get home to Maryland and I was looking forward to a quiet testosterone-free flight. 

JC was still single.  He was a serial monogamist and I was afraid that if I didn’t tell him how I felt, he’d find another girlfriend and I’d lose my window of opportunity.  That night I had decided I would get up the nerve to tell him how I felt.  It had taken me so long to get to this point, but with Lance’s encouragement I was ready.  I figured that at best, he would tell me he felt the same way and we would be together.  At worst, he would tell me I was crazy and he never wanted to see me again.  But, most likely, he would be nice and gentle so he would politely turn me down and tell me he just wanted to be friends.  Any such scenario, I knew I wouldn’t have to see him after I told him for another five weeks.  We had the time off for the holidays and then since the tour wouldn’t be up for a few months, I would be working out of the office.  No face-to-face interaction for a little while.  Just enough time to get through this in one piece. 

I was fired up as I headed to his hotel room door.  In my head I had practiced what I would say about a hundred times, but with every footstep I was forgetting my speech line by line.  With shaking knees, I knocked on his door. 

“Oh, hey Emma,” he yawned slightly, in his pajamas.  “What’s up?”  He looked at me and his expression changed when he saw how nervous I was.

I took a deep breath.  “Look, JC.  I like you.  I like you a lot.  I’ve felt this way for a long time and I just thought you should know.  I don’t expect you to feel the same way, but I still felt like you deserved to know.  But, if there’s a chance that you do feel the same-“

“JC, who’s there?” a female voice called out from his room.

He stood frozen in place with an expressionless face as my eyes widened.

“JC?” she called out, the voice getting closer.

He turned from me, “Heather, just a minute.”  He turned back to me, with the same expression.

I just turned on my heels and headed down the hallway, without waiting for an explanation and ignoring him as he called out after me.  I had just put my heart on the line and completely humiliated myself.  He had already moved on with another girl.  I waited too long and it was too late.